A/N: This story has been a labor of love for me and I couldn't just let them go off into the sunset. I warn you that what is ahead is rough and gritty. I apologize for any hurt it may cause in advance. Expect every trigger that I haven't hit yet. I can't even pretend that I know where it is going but I do know how it ends and hopefully it will be satisfying. I really don't believe in concrete happy endings because life just doesn't work like that but I will say that it does end better than it starts. Te Prometo! A/U (and obviously I don't own Glee)


Chapter 1: Fade to Black (Metallica)


I have spent years setting myself up to fail but somewhere along the way all of that changed.

Somewhere along the way I realized that the self sabotage was just a projection of other people's failures.

I decided that I had to live for me.

I had to grasp my future by the balls and not let go.


"Slow down NoNo! Tell me what happened..."

I sat there stone faced as I listened to one of the toughest guys I knew as he sobbed in my ear like a baby.

I knew that this couldn't be good news.

I knew that in my time knowing him, Noah has never dropped a tear, except for the day that he had to say goodbye to Beth.

I hoped to God, that nothing had happened to her because if he was bad I knew that Quinn would be ten times worse.

I was getting a headache as I stood outside of Isaac's room. I waited patiently for him to catch his breath.

I waited an eternity for him to break my heart into a billion pieces and when it finally happened, when Noah finally told me what had happened, I felt like someone had punched me in the face.

I was speechless.

My stomach was turning and my head was spinning...I had to sit down.

I had to breathe.


I closed my eyes and tried to wake up from the nightmare that I knew that I was caught in.

This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening.

It was just senseless...desperate.

It just made no fucking sense to me.

I could feel anger and sadness at war within my own heart.

I had an uncomfortable itch under my skin...it was something I hadn't felt in months.

It was the tremor of an addict.

It was an itch to numb myself with cocaine.

I swallowed back the frustration that I felt and then ran a hand over my flat stomach.

The baby was my anchor.

It was the only thing keeping me from walking out the door and seeking out the first dealer that I saw.

I was dedicated for the baby and I could only thank God for that.

I had forgotten that I was still clutching the phone until I heard Noah breathe out in nothing louder than a whisper,

"TT, are you there? Are you okay?"

"I'm going to uhhh...I'll call you back okay?" I stuttered.

I couldn't handle his tears.

They reminded me that this wasn't some horrible dream.

"Okay. Call me...don't forget!"

I remember graduation and I just nodded without any other response.


After I hung up the phone, I just sat there at the top of the steps like a zombie.

I couldn't stop replaying things in my head.

I could have prevented this...I was sure of it.

I was torturing myself with the semantics.

I knew on a conscious level that over analyzing this, wasn't helping me deal but it was just the way my mind was working.

I just couldn't wrap my mind around it all.

It was all wrong and I felt like on some molecular level I was being punished, that living with this pain would be my penance for all the bad that I had done.

Leave it me to think like a Catholic at a time like this!

I can't even continue along that vein of thought though because the implications...ugh!

I was so fucking pissed.

I just wanted things to make sense.

I just wanted some kind of warning...anything, to let me know that this was going to happen.

But I mean how much can you prepare for death...even when you are expecting it?

And why...why couldn't things just continue to be happy like they had been since we arrived in New York?

It had been two whole months since we left Lima, two months of happiness, laughter, and memory making.

I mean I was even getting along with Rachel Berry as if we were bffs.

That is how good things were in my life at that moment.

Everything was just so amazing and so happy in our lives, that we didn't stop to think about the bad stuff that had happened in the past year.

We were all learning our new surroundings and doing everything to make that townhouse our home.

The house had come alive with Quinn moving in and Rachel staying for the summer.

Britt and I were in an insanely good place in our marriage, we had good days and bad moments but nothing major like Frankie.


All that mushy, silly stuff that most people think is romantic was what our daily lives consisted of.

I am not one for the corny stuff but seeing Britt smile and laugh was all that mattered as I humiliated myself for her enjoyment.

Life was good and to top it all off, Isaac was healthy.

I couldn't ask for more. I was actually happy, everyday!

But of course...the world, shit the whole fucking universe can only take a happy Santana G. Lopez but for so long.

I had my share of happiness and so now it was time for the madness to begin again.

Just my luck!


Rachel and Quinn had gone off on date night and were going to be home soon so that we could all watch bad reality shows and have cheddar popcorn (my craving of the week), when Puck called the first time.

I had rushed him off the phone and told him to call me back in an hour.

He didn't argue because Isaac was currently screaming in my ear. He hated bath time.

It was the only time he cried and no matter what Puck wanted, it would have to wait until my baby was clean and in bed.

So, color me surprised that Puck had been crying during the first phone call, I barely heard him over Isaac.

I had just put Isaac down for the night when the phone rang, call him a slacker all you want but Noah has always been punctual, at least when it comes to me.

If I could go back that would be something I would have wished differently.

I wished that I could have put off the phone call until someone else was home with me.

Maybe I wouldn't have spent so much time over analyzing everything.

I should have known that something was up because I hadn't talked to Puck all summer, not since he was working and studying every chance that he got so that he could get into the state police academy.

So, I, of course, was excited that I finally had a free moment to talk to him...but it wasn't a social call like I had assumed it to be.

Like it should have been.

No, this call was one that I'm sure he never wanted to make and one I never wanted to receive.


I sat at the top of the steps sobbing as I kept replaying the word over and over again.

"Dead...dead...dead."

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I had conquered the world it seemed and then as soon as I thought I had everything figured out the world came crashing down again.

In truth I had come to expect bad things back when we were still in Lima but the happy months somehow made this kind of news that much more unbearable.

If I had still been a little numb and not so soft, then maybe when Noah called with the news, I would have been able to take it standing up.

I cursed my happiness and vowed to never allow myself to become that invested in my own happiness ever again.

I knew that I should have wanted to be happy forever but now that the world had righted its greavious error of allowing me time to smile, I wouldn't be so foolish again.

I was staring unseeing out of the stained glass window that was above the landing of the steps but I wasn't really seeing anything.

I was trapped within my own head, trying to patch together the pieces of my broken soul and shattered heart.

Why had it come to this?


"San? We're back! Where are you?"

I heard Q and Rachel coming into the foyer, a floor below where I was sitting but I didn't move a muscle, they would find me soon enough.

I didn't even attempt to wipe the tears from my face, they would just be replaced with new ones, so why even try?

My throat was closed up and clogged from my tears. I could barely speak enough to whisper, let alone call out my location in the house.

I couldn't process anything past the phone call.

Where was Britt...I needed B. Of all days for her to have a night class...why now?

My knees were drawn against my chest as I sat against the banister at the top of the steps.

I could have easily tipped down them but I was certain that moving was not happening.

I couldn't get myself to move if I wanted to.

Thank God for my skinny ass.

There was at least a foot between me and the edge.

I buried my face in my arms, effectively, covering up my tears, I had tried to wipe them away before either of the girls found me but it was useless.

I knew better.

I didn't bother to raise my head when I heard light pounding on the stairs.

I had told Rachel about that. Isaac's room was literally right across from the stairs.

It was how I knew it was her because everyone else had listened.

I was angry.

Angry with her fucking heavy elephant foot steps and angry because my world had just crumbled and all I could think about was her waking up Isaac.

I could easily put him back to sleep...so why was I stressing?


"She's up here babe!" I heard Rachel say as she hovered above me. "She's uh crying Q."

I shouldn't have been mad about her yelling but I was.

Why didn't she understand that there was a baby sleeping in the room just behind me?

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" I heard Quinn mumble from the bottom of the steps.

Puck must have texted her just like I knew that he would.

I knew that he would be worried about me throwing up my walls and he was right...I was trying to numb myself to the best of my ability.

Quinn came sprinting up the stairs but still wasn't like her girlfriend.

I raised up my head just enough so that I could see her.

Quinn's face was flushed and she looked like I felt.

She pushed Rachel to the side gently and then leaned over and wrapped me in her arms the moment that she saw me.

"Oh my God...I can't...believe this is even happening! Do you know anything? Of course you don't...Puck said you didn't."

I looked up at her and the moment that I saw her eyes tearing up, I felt a new wave of tears crest up and fall down my cheeks.

This was bad.

My whole body was shaking with a need to numb myself with coke.

My stomach ached, because dinner had been on hold until Quinn got home.

My head felt like it was going to split in half from all the crying.

I just couldn't handle this kind of stress but I had no choice but to accept it.


I had just hit my third month in a very healthy pregnancy and was completely stress free up until that moment.

Brittany had done everything in her power to make sure that I was happy.

That I was safe and that I didn't think about snorting coke.

It was a daily struggle for me in the beginning but with Britt by my side it got easier and easier.

I had adapted well to a stress free life, I hadn't dropped a single tear in months and now I was inconsolable.

I was trying my damndest to throw up my walls but couldn't manage it alone.

I needed my wife. Nobody else could help me feel guarded and safe like Brittany and at that moment that was all that I wanted and needed.

"I need B...where the fuck is B?" I finally managed to say.

Quinn looked at me and nodded her head in understanding.

She looked up at Rachel who was still fucking hovering while Quinn sat wrapped around me and immediately Rachel whipped out her phone and began texting.

Finally, she was doing something fucking useful!

I must have been glaring at Rachel because Quinn put her hands on either side of my face and leaned close to me so that I would only look at her.

My eyes flicked to hers, the flecks of gold in her eyes, shining behind her tears.

"Have you eaten?" She whispered.

It took me a moment to absorb her words and then to remember if I had eaten.

"No." I said quietly.

"Do you want something?"

"No. I'm nauseous." I said as I looked into her eyes.

I was starving and she knew it but she didn't push me like Britt would have.

"Come on...let's get you in bed. Britt's class should have ended ten minutes ago...she should be home soon."

I had already showered and was in my pajamas when Noah had called, so getting me into my bed was no problem at all.

This was the only night of the week that Britt had a night class...it was the only night I ate dinner alone...

I curled up and cuddled my body pillow.

The moment that I could smell Britt's fragrance I began sobbing.

I felt so alone and dead inside.


Alone...dead and alone.


I laid in the darkness and buried my head deeper into the pillow as I looked out of the window at the city skyline.

This was supposed to be a good time in my life.

Senseless.

My mind was just going around and around.

I felt so cold inside.

Quinn had gone off to call Britt and had left me to my own bitter thoughts, my body still throbbing and aching.

I wanted to use.

I bit into my lip and tried to calm my breathing.

It would be so easy to do just one line...it would work so well at numbing me.

I felt the flutter in my stomach and tried to keep breathing.

"I know baby...I know you're there."

If it was a year ago something like this would have caused me to go on a week-long coke binge, pregnant or not but now...now I had nothing but my tears to console me because I was going to keep this baby safe, even from me...especially from me, no matter what!

The door creaked open and then closed quickly.

The lamp by the door was clicked onto the dimmest setting but I still buried my eyes and blocked out the light.

I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to see the look in her eyes...I just craved her touch.

"Ana? Baby I'm home. Puck called me. Q told me what happened...are you alright? Can I get you anything? I know that you didn't eat."

"No...not hungry...just come hold me...okay?" I mumbled half into the pillow, hoping that she wouldn't try to shove food down my throat.

"Okay."

I let out a sight of relief when she accepted my words...a first.

I heard her kick her shoes off and drop her bag to the floor.

I knew that in four huge steps and a jump she would be right behind me, spooning me and trying her best to make me feel better.

One...

There was so much to figure out.

Two...

Could I have changed this?

Three...

Did she really get the ache this caused me?

Four...

I just need to wake up from this nightmare!

Jump...

Brittany. Peace.


I curled up more around the pillow, the moment that I felt the warmth of Britt's body surrounding me.

"We are going to have to fly back to Lima, there's no time to drive." she whispered after a while.

"I know."

"Do you think Isaac can handle the flight?"

"I don't know." I shrugged.

"I don't know if I'm going to be able to miss my classes, its finals week."

"Then don't miss them."

"I want to be there with you."

"But you don't have to be...I'm fine...ok?"

"Please, don't shut me out Ana. We moved passed that part of our relationship."

"I know."

"Just talk to me."

"I don't know what you want me to say, B."

"Just tell me what you need."

"Ian...I need Ian."

"That's not possible..."

"No fucking kidding because he...he fucking killed himself this morning and I...I don't know how to fucking handle it! I could have saved him!"