TWITTERPATED:

a two-shot by CierraLuv97

Hi, everyone! I'm here with a new two-shot, written for WeasleySeeker's The Bloody Hell! Competition. Basically, you had to write a Ron one-shot featuring the line "Bloody hell!" in it. Ron is like my favorite person in the entire series (maybe the reason I write so much RonxHermione is because I secretly want to date him... ;D), so I was very enthusiastic. Anyway, here's part one - part two will be up soon. I've basically finished it, there's just some tweaking to do.

Part One:

Melted Gelato

The only reason Ron ever found Luna that day was that he was exhausted from all of the searching, and he wanted an ice cream.

So, he clenched his fist and closed his eyes and Apparated to Gusto Gelato, which became the best place for ice cream related treats when Florean Fortescue disappeared during the Second Wizarding War. It was a bit sad, really, that the main reason why the snooty little shop was so popular was the death of someone else, but Ron tended to forget that when faced with a triple cocoa gelato sundae topped with toffee treacle bits.

Anyway.

Ron stepped out of nothingness and onto the pavement, and who does he see sitting outside the shop but the very person he'd been looking for all over wizarding London since three o'clock that day. Luna Lovegood herself was sitting at a table outside of the shop, a bowl of neglected gelato on the table.

She hadn't seen him yet (of course – she was watching the grass as if it was an intense Quidditch match instead of, well, grass), which may have been a good thing. Since Ron really didn't know what he was supposed to say. Hermione's instructions had been somewhat vague.

"If you see her, please, please be tactful," she'd practically begged him before he'd left the three bedroom flat he shared with Hermione, Harry, and Ginny. "Try to convince her to go back to him – they probably had a really stupid fight, and she's just upset. Luna's very proud."

"I don't understand why I have to go," Ron had complained. "Me and Luna aren't as close as you and her are –"

"Now you're just making excuses," Hermione had said, quickly pulling out his blatant lie. "Luna and I, we're friends, but we don't understand each other, not really."

"And me and her do?" he'd asked incredulously.

"She thinks you're hilarious. Come on, Ron, no one has seen her since it happened, and Ginny's worried sick…"

"Ginny's worried about everything nowadays. She bloody started crying yesterday when Harry bought whole milk instead of 2%." At nine months pregnant, and with the baby due any day, Ron's sister had been slightly… off. Ron had been at her side constantly, partially because he considered it his personal duty to make sure his best mate wasn't killed by his hormone crazed sister.

Although, if that happened, it could just be bad karma from Harry knocking her up in the first place, which disturbed Ron to no end.

"Seriously, though, I think she's lost it," Ron had added to Hermione. "If this is what women when they're like when they're pregnant… my poor dad. No wonder he plays with plugs."

"Ron!" At this point, Hermione had decided to play dirty. She reached up, running a hand through his red hair. "Please?" she'd whispered. "For me?"

Ron had swallowed heavily. Breathe, Ron, it's just Hermione. "But Ginny…" he had managed to mumble.

"She'll be fine," said Hermione soothingly, dismissively. "Please, Ron? Please?" Her hand slid down to his face, her thumb running along his cheekbone. Ron, in the back of his mind, noted that the words just and Hermione really didn't seem to agree with one another. Damn her.

Because that was the in the very back of his mind, since the rest of him was absorbed in her…

"Erm, okay," Ron had finally said. Great one, Weasley. That's intelligent. Not that it mattered anyway, because Hermione had then smiled sweetly, completely losing her sexy edge, pecked him on the cheek, and practically booted him out of the house, warning him not to come back until Luna was found and her mind changed.

Not even a proper kiss, thought Ron to himself as he stood awkwardly in front of Gusto Gelato, people staring and whispering to one another – oh my goodness, it's Ron Weasley, best friend of Harry Potter and heroic lover of Hermione Granger! He is so incredible, hopefully one day I will be as brilliant as him, or something along those lines, anyway. This didn't change the fact that it all still made him distinctly uncomfortable.

The only positive Ron could think of was that after this, Hermione was going to owe him. She was the only reason he was here at all, trying to figure out how best to attempt to convince Luna to go back to her fiancé…

"You've been standing there for quite some time, you know." Despite the voice's placidity, Ron still jumped a foot into the air. Luna was watching him, her head slightly cocked to one side.

"I expected you to ask to sit down a while ago," she went on, as if she'd never stopped. "You look quite tired."

"I am," said Ron. He sat down in the only other chair at the table. The two scoops of gelato, one scoop pale lavender and the other dark green, were not only distracting, but melting. "I don't suppose you're done with that?"

Luna glanced carelessly at the gelato. "You can have it, if you want," she answered with a sigh, pushing it towards him. Ron glanced up at her, caught off guard by the strange tone in her voice. It was almost… sad. Funny (well, not really), he couldn't really remember Luna ever sounding so sad, so depressed.

"You all right?" he asked as spooning a good sized portion of the lavender gelato into his mouth. It tasted like vanilla and white chocolate and herbal tea. Not his style, but after all, gelato is gelato. He quickly gulped down another spoonful.

"Oh, I'm fine," Luna assured him. "I'm just… thoughtful."

Ron was pretty sure she was sad, but he didn't push it. "About what?" he asked, digging his spoon into the green gelato. When he lifted it into his mouth, he nearly choked at the absurdly strong taste – like mint and sour apples and gummy candies. "What flavour is this?"

"I believe it's called Weasley Wonders."

Ron choked again. "My family has a gelato flavour?"

"You have a gelato flavour," corrected Luna. "Because of the anniversary coming up, they came out with a flavour for a couple of people who fought in the battle – you, Hermione, Harry, Neville, Ginny, and me – although, I've only tried Weasley Wonders, and my flavour, and A Helping of Hermione."

Ron dropped this spoon, his ears burning. "That sounds …" But he couldn't even say it. He was definitely going to have to talk with Gusto Gelato and ask them exactly how drunk they'd been when they thought of that name.

"Yes, it's a bit weird, isn't it?" commented Luna, completely unperturbed.

"Completely," agreed Ron fervently. Despite the fact that next month was the fifth anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts, Ron was still bewildered by the incredible perseverance and determination of sixteen year old witches, and all for his name scribbled on a napkin. It was absolutely ridiculous (and Hermione thought so to, although Ron liked to point out that it was probably just raging jealousy making her agree with him, since she normally never did).

"The lavender gelato is me," went on Luna. "They called it Love Good Gelato. Get it? Because my last name is Lovegood?"

Ron grinned. "Yeah, I get it," he told her. His grin faded as he realised that here was the perfect point to bring up the whole reason why he was really here. Great. How the hell was he, Ron Weasley, supposed to convince Luna, who always did whatever she wanted and believed what she wanted, to marry someone she apparently didn't want to? "Luna, speaking of last names…" He trailed off, unsure how to begin.

"Hermione sent you here, didn't she?" prompted Luna softly.

Ron glanced up at her. "How did you know?"

He was half-expecting her to mention Wattle Nungers or Snucker Devils, but all she said was, "Well, she is your fiancée. I've noticed that you tend to do what she says more often than not."

"Not all the time," protested Ron feebly. She was right, after all.

"I never said all the time," pointed out Luna. "I just said most of the time."

"Well… well, you would, too. Hermione's bloody terrifying." And incredibly gorgeous. "Don't tell her I said that, though."

Luna let out a light laugh, one that sounded like wind chimes. Then her expression abruptly became solemn again. It was disconcerting. "Hermione means well, and she's my friend," she said quietly. "But I can't go back to Dean."

"Luna," began Ron uncertainly. Deciding to just take the plunge, he said, "The wedding is in a week."

"Was in a week," corrected Luna, not at all rudely. "We can't get married if we're not engaged."

"He's a really good bloke, Luna," continued Ron as if he'd never been interrupted. "And he really loves you. What more could you want?"

Luna studied him, a tired expression on her usually child-like face. "Everything," she answered seriously.

Ron thought for a moment, trying to figure out exactly what the bloody hell she was saying. After a few moments though, he finally had to give in. "Could you clarify a bit?"

Luna hesitated for a moment, searching for words, before her face brightened. "Well, Ron, you love me."

"Not like that," said Ron quickly. "Like, not romantically."

"And you're a good person," went on Luna.

"Well, yeah," said Ron awkwardly, feeling it would rather pompous to disagree. "What does that have to with anything?"

"Should we get married?" Her eyes were wide and earnest.

Ron nearly spit out his gelato. "Come again?" he said weakly after several moments of gaping at her. It had to be a joke, but Luna could very well be serious. He could never tell with her.

"Exactly my point," said Luna serenely. "We're both good people, but that doesn't mean we can get married. It doesn't work like that."

"Oh, thank Merlin – no offense or anything," he added hurriedly.

"I'm not insulted. But I don't understand how no offense changes anything. If I told Hermione she was bossy sometimes and then said no offense, she would still be bothered. Of course, that might be the Nargles," mused Luna to herself, drifting into her own world.

Ron cleared his throat. "Er, Luna?" She came back with a start, the faraway look disappearing.

"Sorry, I was thinking - oh, look, there's some men taking pictures of us. Over there in those bushes." She pointed not so discreetly at a cluster of rose bushes, the roses in full bloom and charmed to sing Italian opera. Huddled in the bushes, Ron could just make out a camera and somebody's hand.

He swore. "Damn Rita Skeeter," he grumbled. No doubt she had commissioned her photographer to follow him around. He could just see the headlines tomorrow: Ron Weasley Caught On Romantic Outing With Loony Lovegood. Or possibly worse, even. Now that the old cow was writing for Witches' Weekly, where gossip and made-up stories were encouraged, there might even be a made-up interview from him (or, God forbid, Hermione), or bewitched photographs that have him punching a photographer. And now that Luna and Dean had split…

Ron sighed, coming back to the matter at hand. "Look, was there – I dunno, did you two have a row? They're completely natural in relationships, Luna, take it from me."

Luna shook her head. "I can't go back to Dean," she repeated calmly. "He's a wonderful person, and I thought I loved him… but something has changed."

"Like what?" demanded Ron, sick of cryptic answers.

"My feelings," decided Luna after a moment. "They wouldn't let me be."

Well, at least it's not cryptic, Ron thought sarcastically. He was about to make a comment when he saw that Luna's eyes had that faraway look again, and she was focusing on something in the distance. Ron couldn't resist the urge to turn around and find out what she was staring at, even though it was probably something no one could see besides her. But, instead of nothing, he in fact did see the something that Luna saw. Or rather, the someone.

He was about their age, or perhaps a bit older. Nothing to look at, really; the man was short, wiry, with tanned skin and sandy hair down to his shoulders. He was wearing a fishing hat of some sort and intently studying a book (which instantly made Ron think of Hermione), and as he highlighted different passages in the book, he muttered to himself.

"Who is that?" asked Ron. It may have come out a bit louder than intended, for the man looked up. Ron quickly snapped his head back to Luna.

"He comes here every day from four to five," sighed Luna wistfully. "And he always wears that hat."

"No, I mean who is he? As in, what is his name?"

Luna blinked, and almost reluctantly, looked back at Ron. "I don't know," she shrugged. "I met him here yesterday – he was in front of me in line. Everyone here knows him, he asked for 'the regular'. And then he left. I didn't get to ask what the regular meant. What flavour of gelato do you think it is?" Her eyes slid back to Fishing Hat, her chin propped up by her hands.

"You – you cancelled the wedding for some guy?" Ron spluttered, knowing without being told that it could only be the truth.

"Maybe Banana Bonanza," murmured Luna, ignoring him.

"That's ridiculous," stated Ron bluntly.

"Oh, you're right, he looks more like the Lollipop Licks type –"

"Luna!"

She looked up at him, and Ron suddenly felt young, child-like, immature. "I really am sorry, and I told Dean that. He tried to understand, but I don't think he can. I just… well, you know what I'm talking about, don't you, Ron?"

"I do?" asked Ron, bewildered.

"I think they must be the Twitterpaters again," concluded Luna. "They're very active during the spring time."

"I still don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't be silly, Ron, of course you know." And she fixed him with such a penetrating look that Ron felt that not only did he not know, but Luna knew what he didn't know, and she wasn't going to tell him until he figured it out.

But one thing he did know is that whoever that guy was, and whatever Luna meant about Twiddly Peter's or whatever the bloody hell they were called, the wedding was definitely off. And, unlike Hermione, who might have pushed the issue farther than healthy, Ron just let it be, staring into the gelato form of his soul.

Anyone know where I got twitterpated from? That's right - Bambi. I love that movie so much, and I felt it applied/was something that Luna would so totally say. Anyway, what do you think? Good, bad, etc? Please don't review without leaving a review!

~ Cierra, who has the COOOLEST math project ever! (And I don't even like math!)