Title: "3 In the Morning"
Author: FrenchBeats aka Rot-chan
Prompts: not seeing the forest for the trees; 'diary', 'trap', 'hotel'
Rating: T
Summary: Sasuke's rollers, Juugo's iguanas, & Suigetsu's fish-shaped pillow. What do they have in common? They're discovered in room 247, inside the hotel of horrors where insomnia is the beast . . . or is something eviler lurking? Taka crack one-shot.
Notes: I felt like writing a crack one-shot, based on the horrors of spending the night in a hotel when it's unplanned. Dedicated to everyone who hates Karin, loves Sasuke, and/or has had a bad stay at a horrid motel. Review, please. How do I do with crack? Let me know.
Somewhere in Sound - 11 PM -
After traveling all day, and tiring of hearing Juugo talk about the mating cylce of iguanas, Sasuke found at the last minute (key word: last minute) a nice cozy road side motel, complete with a howling dog and the sound of someone throwing their whiskey bottle at their prostitute.
And once again, the Taka was awake at 3 AM. But this time, it wasn't from Suigetsu 'making love' to his fish shaped pillow in his sleep (that had happened two hours earlier) or from Juugo staying up to read Naked Lunch again – it was from something much more disturbing, as Karin had screamed in her sleep, waking everybody up.
Rubbing his eyes, Suigetsu yawned, "Geez, hag, can't you like, start dreaming about something good for a change?" He fumbled for his water bottle – and cringed when he found an old bottle of used KY Adultery Apple under the bed instead.
"Hey Karin, wanna get it on tonight?" Suigetsu asked cheekily before tossing her the gross bottle, grinning as she squeaked and threw it elsewhere, straight out the window. Oops . . . .
Still flustered, Karin said, "You're disgusting! And don't you remember how you, you - 'sexed-up' your pillow? And anyway, you have no business asking me about my dreams."
Suigetsu smiled, "O-ooo-h, so it was X rated then."
He stuck out his tongue at her and dodged the corny nightstand bible Karin threw at his head in rage. Karin said venomously, "Why am I having so many weird dreams? Because I have to look at your face before I go to sleep!"
Juugo, who had been woken up from their screams, said wearily, "Dreams are just a look into the subconscious mind."
Suigetsu rolled his eyes and said, "Wow, thanks professor, what ever would you do without your bank of knowledge?"
Flushing with anger, Karin screeched, "Stop being such a jackass!"
Taking a drink, Suigetsu paused at her words at her words, his grin almost cracking his face. "Awww, look at this – Karin is HOT for Juugo! You were dreaming about him, weren't you?"
"I-I was certainly not!-"
Ignoring Karin's stammering and Juugo's blush, Suigetsu sang, "Firecrotch 'n Meathead, sittin' in a tree. K I -"
A low voice from across the room uttered, "Suigetsu . . . ."
"- S, S, I, N-"
"Enough!"
Everyone turned to stare at a white ghost looming over them – Karin on the single bed, Suigetsu on the window sill, Juugo on the too-tiny air mattress wheezing under his weight – but oh wait, that wasn't a ghost. It was Sasuke, unfortunately.
Suigetsu started laughing when he took in the Uchiha's disheveled appearance. The boy's spiky hair was now a rat's nest, filled with down feathers and chewed up spit balls – and was that a roller in the back of his head?
Sasuke had ended up on the water bed of all places, which was glowing and throwing him around, his usually keen reflexes failing against the bed with dead goldfish and sparkly gems floating around inside.
In a sleepy haze, Sasuke narrowed his eyes and threw the closest thing he could find, a tacky glass Siamese cat, at the other man -
- and the laughter died and turned to horrified and girlish screams when the vase, which was really an urn, exploded against Suigetsu's head, sending ashes everywhere.
"I-I-I have a. . . a dead person on me!" Karin gasped, horrified, dusting herself off and throwing off the sheets in disgust.
Suigetsu opened the other window, and the . . . corpse cloud disappeared. A few minutes later, everything had calmed down and Karin shakily began to 'angst' about her woes in her diary.
"You're writing in your diary now?" Sasuke asked incredulously, before the water bed somehow rippled up and bitch slapped him across the face.
"What's it to – wait. This . . ." Karin held up a weird black book with banana scratch-and-sniff stickers all over both sides. "This isn't my diary."
Suigetsu shoved Juugo's head out of the way and peered over Karin's shoulder as Sasuke fell off the bed and, with some dignity still in tact, dusted himself off and went to see what all the commotion was about.
"Dear diary . . ." Karin began slowly.
"Today I went to the store and bought more cupcakes for Bertha."
Suigetsu laughed and said, though a bit anxiously, "Wow, this is pretty stupid!" Sasuke, silencing him, read where Karin left off.
"Dear Diary . . ." Sasuke read suspiciously.
"Bertha is getting restless. She scratches at the door at night. I must keep her fed, or else . . . . The bad people will come again." Everyone was silent as they stared at what seemed to be a strange porpoise humanoid drawn in a childlike way beside the strangely neat scrawl.
"Um, this is really weird," Karin said, her voice shaky, having the unsettling feeling that someone was watching them. (cue the disturbing horror music.)
Sasuke backed away from the book, going back to the waterbed to search for his sword . . . but it was no where to be found.
"Dear diary . . ." Juugo read, breathing shallowly.
"Bertha is growing. She is so beautiful. Her teeth are already 3 centimeters long, and . . . her songs, she sings for me . . . so beautiful . . . . the perfect creation of my intelligence and genius. They cannot tell me otherwise!!. . . ."
Karin felt the walls beginning to close in as she took in a crude drawing of the half-human thing swallowing a stickman whole; it was the bloody smudges all over the pages that made her have a terrible chill crawl up her back.
Grabbing the book, Suigetsu read aloud, "Dear Diary . . . I must keep Bertha in room 247, in the motel. I MUST SHE CAN'T GET LOOSE BERTHA HUNGRY SKIN ITCHY ITCHY TASTY -"
Too immersed in the horror of the book to notice the strange thumping sounds lurking towards their room, their backs to the door, Sasuke said, "We're – we're in room-"
"T-two f-fourty seven!" They shrieked at once.
Suigetsu, still holding the book, read aloud, "Look behind you." "What. . .?-"
Then, Karin screamed.
–
"Great job, Sasuke."
"It's not my fault that this is happening."
"Sasuke. We're being SEX TRAFFIKED. To MEXICO! Or something."
"You picked the hotel, chicken ass!"
"Right, says the one with the fluidic anatomy."
"SHUT THE HELL UP IN THERE!" A booming voice called to the back of the train car as the four froze in fright. Well, they couldn't exactly freeze, since they were tied up to each other.
"Ah, well. At least we're together," Juugo said with an unnaturally cheerful smile, which made everyone squirm uncomfortably.
"Yeah, I'm stuck next to this guy. How lucky," Karin muttered, frowning as her glasses slid down her nose, unable to push them back up do to her lack of arms at the moment.
Sasuke sighed. "So the hotel was a trap along. I should've known. Maybe if someone wasn't talking about how iguanas hump each other, we wouldn't be here right now!" Sasuke said. Did I mention that when he got no sleep, he developed a third (yes, a third) personality?
Karin sighed and said, "Oh, Sasuke. You're so dreamy when you're verbally abusive."
And so ends another day with the Taka.
And who was Bertha? Bertha was a lizard with a biting problem, born with seven toes, who barked.
End.
[End notes: well, how did you like reading this piece of crack? I had fun writing it, and wanted to end the story explaining the 'horror', which was really just a weird person's lizard. I'm not sure why I wanted the Taka to get captured . . . well, I guess it's just because I want to write a sequel called 'We're Going to Mexico!' or something. It was fun writing how dense they can be when tired. And why did Suigetsu's head break the vase? Because I don't like him ;) Hope you liked it.]
