Plant Obsessive
"I love you, Ivy."
"Mmm, I love you too, Michael," breathed Poison Ivy, as she drew away from her psychiatrist, smiling seductively. "But if you wanna have Ivy, what have you gotta do for Ivy?"
"Break her outta here," murmured the doctor.
"That's right, Michael," she whispered. "And once I'm free, we can be together forever and ever."
He seized her hand. "I'm getting you out of here tonight, baby. You won't have to spend another minute in this hellhole. We can leave Arkham, and leave Gotham, and start a new life together someplace far away…"
"Of course we can, Michael," interrupted Ivy. "But what have you gotta do first?"
"Break you outta here," he repeated. "I will, baby, I promise. Be ready to go tonight."
Ivy beamed at him. "I love you, Michael," she whispered. "But I think our time may be up."
Guards entered the interview room at that moment, and escorted Ivy back to the cell block. "Piece of cake," she sighed happily. "A piece of cake made out of artificial flour, of course," she added. "It's about time I got outta this dump."
She entered the Rec Room, looking around at the inmates currently incarcerated in Arkham Asylum. She had to admit, she wouldn't be sorry to see the back of any of them. Particularly the pasty-skinned, clown-faced moron playing a hand of cards with her ex-boyfriend, Two-Face.
"You're looking very smug, Pammie," said the Joker, looking up from the card game as she entered and grinning at her. "What lucky guy have you let water your garden today?"
"Make all the jokes you want, Joker," retorted Ivy, sitting down on the sofa and picking up a magazine. "I'm not letting them get to me today. I'm gonna be free as a bird this time tomorrow."
"Yeah? You planning on busting outta here?" asked Joker, picking up a card. "Seems rude not to invite the rest of us."
"I would say I'm sorry for hurting your feelings," replied Ivy. "But I'm not."
"And might one ask how you're going about making your escape?" said Joker, casually.
"If you must know, I'm having help from a certain Dr. Michael Green," said Ivy, flipping casually through her magazine.
"Gotta be careful how you use the shrinks, Pammie," said Joker. "If you ain't, you may just end up with a permanent ball and chain clamped around your ankle and dragging you down. People never warn you that a little harmless mind manipulation and casual sex can lead to things like a committed relationship. But I hope at least my tragic fate can be a timely warning for you."
"What kinda slut do you think I am?" demanded Ivy. "You think I can't spend five minutes alone with an attractive guy without jumping him?"
"Yes," replied Joker, firmly.
Ivy slapped him hard across the face. "Hey, everyone was thinking it – I just said it!" he snapped.
"I admit I have a bit of a well-deserved reputation for enjoying men," began Ivy.
"You got that right," muttered Two-Face, picking up a card and avoiding her gaze.
"But when I just use men to do things for me, I know when to draw the line," she retorted. "Anyway, you get sick of faking orgasms after a while."
"I think she's talking about you, Harvey," chuckled Joker.
"She didn't fake anything when she was with me," growled Two-Face. "Did you?" he demanded, glaring at her.
Ivy shrugged. "Not as many as I usually do, I have to admit," she replied.
"You think I can't tell the difference?" demanded Two-Face. "You didn't fake a goddamn thing, you lying tramp!"
"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Harvey," retorted Ivy. "No guy is one hundred per cent satisfactory all the time, but they try so hard, and you feel like they deserve a little reward for all their effort, so it's better to fake one than hurt their feelings. Every woman's faked an orgasm at some point."
"I don't think that's true," said Joker calmly, putting down a card.
"J, I guarantee Harley's faked an orgasm," snapped Ivy.
"Well, why don't we just ask her?" said Joker, grinning, as Harley bounced into the room. "Harley!" he called.
"What is it, puddin'?" she asked, skipping over to him and hugging him tightly.
"You know when we have playtime, and we both get to the point where we pop the can o'snakes?" asked Joker. "You ever…just pretended to pop?"
"What J means to ask is, have you ever faked an orgasm?" demanded Ivy.
Harley stared at him. "No, puddin', why would I do that?" she asked.
"Harley, don't be ridiculous," snapped Ivy. "And don't lie just to spare J's feelings. I've told him it's nothing to be ashamed of – every woman does it."
"Well, I ain't ever done it," retorted Harley. "I ain't never needed to. Mr. J's just the best lover in the whole wide world, and he always makes sure his Harley girl is nice and satisfied, doncha, puddin'?" she purred, kissing his cheek.
"That's right, pumpkin pie," he murmured, patting her on the head and smiling smugly at Ivy.
"Harley, c'mere," growled Ivy, seizing her arm and pulling her into a corner. "It's ok – you can tell me the truth," she said. "I promise I won't tell J. But you gotta admit, once or twice, you just…pretended that he'd pushed you over the edge, didn't you?"
"I wouldn't lie to puddin' like that, Red," said Harley, firmly. "And like I said, I ain't never needed to. Mr. J gets me revving hard and makes my engine explode every time. He's such a bad boy," she sighed.
Ivy stared at her. "Harley…the clown can't actually be that good in bed…"
"He is, Red," insisted Harley. "He's incredible, I'm telling ya. He's a genius, and that don't just mean he's great with his mind. He's also great with his hands and with his…"
"Thanks, Harley, I'm sorry I asked," interrupted Ivy. She looked at Harley. "Every time?" she repeated.
"Every time," said Harley, nodding.
"I've just…never heard about that happening to any woman before," said Ivy slowly.
"Guess other women ain't never experienced true love," replied Harley, shrugging. "But that's what Mr. J and I got, and it's like we're just perfectly synched in the bedroom. That's why I get to pop the can o'snakes for both of us because we always finish off together…"
"Harley, please, that's not really an image I wanna have," said Ivy, hastily.
"Well, then, you shouldn't have asked," sniffed Harley.
"I've learned my lesson, believe me," retorted Ivy.
"Why do ya wanna know anyway, Red?" asked Harley. "Is there a new man in your life things are going really well with? I hope so. You deserve to have the same kinda happiness me and Mr. J have."
"No, Harley," sighed Ivy. "I was just saying I've seduced Dr. Green into helping me escape from Arkham tonight, but I'm not going to take our relationship any further after we leave. Playing with guys just gets boring after awhile, y'know?"
"Uh…no," said Harley. "But then I don't have any experience playing with guys…"
"No, I suppose you were just played with by one guy, weren't you?" sighed Ivy. "And you've never got over that particular game. I can only hope Michael isn't the same way, or I may be forced not to let him down easy."
Harley stared at her. "You mean you've seduced your shrink just so he'll help you break outta Arkham? Gotta say, Red, that's pretty low."
"Your boyfriend did the exact same thing!" shouted Ivy.
"He did not!" cried Harley. "Mr. J's always loved me! We fell in love from the moment we first met, but it was an impossible love – he was a homicidal, psychotic maniac with a passion for twisted humor and cruel jokes, and I was his bright, sweet, innocent shrink. But we threw aside convention and propriety and confessed our love for each other, and then I chose to bust him outta here, because I love him! But Mr. J certainly didn't have that in mind all along, did you, puddin'?" she demanded. "You didn't just seduce me to bust you outta here, did ya?"
"Of course not, pumpkin pie," replied Joker, casually.
"You're such a filthy liar," muttered Ivy.
"I'm a fantastic lover, though," retorted Joker, grinning.
"Like I said to Harley, don't give me images like that," growled Ivy.
"All I'm saying, Red, is that it's a cruel thing to do to anyone, using them for superficial reasons and then dumping them the moment they've outlived their usefulness," said Harley.
"You shouldn't be surprised at her cruelty, Harley," growed Two-Face. "There's a reason she's called Poison Ivy."
"Oh, just get over me, Harvey!" snapped Ivy, rounding on him in annoyance. "I'm sorry things didn't work out between us, I really am, but you don't see me going around being all mopey and passive-aggressive about it! I'm moving on with my life – why can't you?!"
"Yeah, you're really moving on, ain't ya?" snapped Two-Face. "Playing with this guy, and then the next, and then the next, until you get bored with 'em and start all over again, in a never-ending series of men! Well, you ain't ever gonna be happy that way, Pammie, and the sooner you realize that, the better!"
"Let me tell you what makes me happy!" shouted Ivy. "Not being tied down to any clingy, needy, pathetic male who wants to chain me up in a committed relationship! My freedom makes me happy, and my independence makes me happy, and I'm not going to sacrifice any of that for some guy!"
"Then don't expect some guy to sacrifice anything for you!" yelled Two-Face, throwing down the cards and standing up. He stormed from the room angrily.
"Looks like I win, then," chuckled Joker, helping himself to Two-Face's poker chips.
"Red, doncha think that was a little uncalled for?" asked Harley, quietly. "Harvey's a nice guy…"
"You know what I'm sick of, Harley?!" interrupted Ivy, furiously. "Guys! Nice or not, they're all alike, and I'm gonna be so happy when I'm free and outta here tonight, and I won't have to set eyes on another guy for a long, long time!"
She stormed away to the opposite end of the cell block. "Guess that was Pammie coming outta the closet, huh?" chuckled Joker.
"Mr. J, don't joke," muttered Harley. "It ain't funny. She seems really unhappy."
"And what's not funny about that?" he asked, grinning.
"Red's my friend, Mr. J," murmured Harley. "I don't like seeing her unhappy."
"Aw, cheer up, my sweet, sensitive little Harley pooh," said Joker, embracing her and kissing her nose. "I know what will make Pammie feel loads better."
"What?" asked Harley.
"If the two of us escape with her and Dr. Green tonight," replied Joker. "Nothing like a little company to put a smile on someone's face, am I right?"
"Yeah, that's true, Mr. J," agreed Harley, nodding. "And what if we brought Harvey along too? I hate to think of him and Red parting on a sour note like that. I'm sure if we all escape together, Red and Harvey can't stay mad at each other. We'll all be leaving Arkham tonight laughing and smiling, you'll see."
"I will, pumpkin pie," agreed Joker, beaming. "I most certainly will."
