I was watching her. She was looking at me. I was looking at her looking at me with her hate filled black eyes. It's strange to see that in a captain but there wasn't much I could do about it.
"I'm going." I say, picking up my bag and heading for the door.
"You will stay here until I tell you otherwise." She snaps. I think it's funny that she wants to keep me on board.
"I have to see my family."
"You have no family." It's an old argument. She's of the belief that pod-borns can't ever have a Zionian family group. But I do, kind of. They're really a crew, but they're in Zion too.
"I'm sorry, I can't miss this chance to see them."
"If you leave you are not coming back onto my ship." I pause to think about this threat and I realise that she has finally said what I have always wanted to hear. That I don't have to leave with her. I don't have to be an unused and annoying part of a crew who I don't work well with. I feel the smile struggling to stay hidden as I turn back to my captain of one year, one very long and tediously horrible year.
"Then I'll wish you all the best now. I'm not coming back Helen." My footsteps echo in the cold hull of the ship but I feel the energy flooding back into me. The light shines through from Zion's dock and the tears are prickling at my eyes. There they are, my family, the crew of the Shadow, but they are still my family. My feet hit the dock and I'm running, calling out to them. My best friend in all the world turns, her smile as bright as mine and we're locked in each other's arms.
"It's so good to see you!" We say together against the other's ear. We laugh happily and are enveloped in a hug from the rest of the crew. The Shadow's people take a step back as my captain approaches, she is going to drag me back, I can feel it.
"Get back on the ship you ungrateful bitch." I swallow, waiting to feel the heavy weight of her hand on my arm, tugging me along.
"Captain Helen, is there a problem?" Commander Locke had approached, alerted by the arrival of my ship. It's strange, I wonder how long I will claim it as mine now that I have left it.
"This, girl," it is said like I'm dirty, too foul to own a name or a face or feelings. My family stand taller behind me, I know they do because the Commander looks at them over my shoulder. Even he doesn't want to look at me.
"What has she done?"
"Disobeyed my orders. I told her strictly that she would not leave the ship until she had finished all her duties. There are still grates to clean." Her eyes are flashing at me, and I feel afraid. Even when she is angry she is beautiful, I would be a fool not to admit as much. I look to the Commander, he has turned to me.
"How old are you?"
"19, Sir." I reply softly, I can feel the tears and I know they will make him send me back on that ship. I try to hold them back.
"How long have you been in the service with Captain Helen?"
"A year, Sir."
"Since you joined the fleet?"
"Yes, Sir." I raise my eyes to his, begging that he let me stay in Zion. I don't care what I would have to do, I would tend to the pit of the dead if it meant I wasn't going on that ship again.
"I will see you in my office in an hour." His voice is cold and he is talking to me. "Until then you must remain with the crew of the Shadow. One of them may bring you to me. Captain Helen, come with me." He turns and walks away, she leans forward and hisses,
"You'll see, girl, I'll make your life hell." She follows him and I can feel the hope with which I had left the ship turn to the coldest reaches of despair. The captain of the Shadow enfolded me in his strong arms. He was my father figure, he had been the one to say I was ready for the service.
"Hush now," he whispers against my grubby hair, "hush now. Everything will be alright, you'll see little one, you'll see." I couldn't hold the tears back any longer, I was so afraid and there was no chance I could be part of the crew that cared for me. A new set of arms takes the place of the captains and he guides me to a small alcove where I may cry in private. He stokes my disgusting hair and I realise what I must look like to him, I cry more.
"It's ok, Herse, you'll see. I promise, everything will be ok. I'm not going to let anything happen to you." I sniffed, looking at him with my undoubtedly puffy and red eyes.
"I know Mercury, I know." But I was lying, holding the tears in my throat. He seems so sure that all will be well, it's like he has heard it from Locke himself, or the Councilors, or even his captain. But I've learnt not to hope. The only hope you have on Captain Helen's ship is that she doesn't see you as a threat to her power over the men. If she does, you end up like me, forced to do endless tasks that don't really need doing, sleeping only in snatches and never being allowed into either the construct or the Matrix. Just incase the grubbiness falls away there and reveals that you have a face, or hair, or anything, to compare to her. She is the Queen of the Spartan. No one can deny it and no one will. And it will never change.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A/N: Mercury is the Roman name for the messenger god, Hermes. Herse was an Athenian princess beloved of the Greek god named Hermes. Helen was the Queen of the Spartans before she went off with Paris to Troy. "They (the Greeks) for one woman and her unlawful love, unleashed the hunt for Helen, and sent ten thousand men to death." Euripides, Trojan Women (Women of Troy)
