Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to the wonderful JK Rowling.
A/N: Okay. Long long Lupin fic, because we all need Lupin angst in our lives. Well I do. I'm terribly bad at updating usually. But this time I just accidentally wrote this massive thing, so you have a whole bunch of writing queued up for you before you need to worry.
This story starts October 31st 1981, shortly after the attack on the Potter's house. Please enjoy, and know that I absolutely adore reviews.
Last light fades.
A lone wolf howls.
A man stands tall against the darkness
And waits for the creeping shadows to devour him too.
Friends lie dead, love long fled,
But there might still be something worth fighting for.
At least there's something to die for.
1. The Darkest Night
His eyes shot open as he heard the door crash shut. He fumbled for his wand, rubbed his bleary eyes, and clambered out of bed. He could hear his heartbeat, and beyond that the sound of someone moving around down the hall. Still in the kitchen. How the fuck had they gotten in? He held his wand out, preparing himself. A stunning spell. One that'd knock them out. Before they knew he was-
'Sirius?'
He kept his wand raised, uncertain.
'Remus, thank fuck.' he breathed. He closed the distance between them with just a handful strides, and caught his mouth with a hungry, urgent kiss.
'Sirius,' Remus said softly, drawing back, 'Aren't you meant to be with Peter? What's going on? What happened?'
A trembling hand traced the outline of his face.
'I... Peter's gone, Moony. He just wasn't there. And I somehow doubt he just decided now would be a great time to take off on a vacation without letting anyone know.'
'Oh, Merlin...'
'But why... Why would they just go after Peter? And then... Then... I was so scared Moony, I thought... ' he broke off and met Remus' eyes for the first time since walking through the door. The familiar brown eyes, usually bright with excitement, looked haunted. I thought they might have come for you too.
Remus nodded, and moved one of his hands to rest at the base of Sirius' neck.
'But I'm okay. I'm here and we're safe.'
'When I got here I thought I could just go find you. But, fuck, the thought of not finding you... I just couldn't make myself move.'
Sirius ran a still shaking hand through his hair.
' 'Sokay, Padfoot. It's all okay,' he murmured as he leaned into another kiss, gentler than the last.
This time it was Sirius who pulled away.
'Fuck, I wish I could stay. I'll be right back, I promise. But I need to check... I probably shouldn't have stopped here but I just had to make sure...'
He stole a quick kiss before properly pulling away. And then, slipping through Remus' fingers, he out the door, back out into the night.
With a quick flick of his wand, flames lit up beneath the old dented kettle resting in his stove. He pulled out his box of tealeaves feeling vaguely unsettled. For once, the familiar rough wood did nothing to calm him. There was no reason for Peter to be a target, he'd probably gotten spooked and gone into hiding. But there had been something off about Sirius. Distracted, worried, on the verge of panicking. And holding back.
His visit had felt surreal, immaterial. Already the feel of his hands, of his lips, was fading. Maybe if he focussed hard enough he could bring Sirius back to him. Or find the madness that'd reveal this night as a dream.
He watched the tea steep, the leaves swirling out, the colour darkening and deepening. Fingers wrapped around the mug, he slunk into a chair. Watching his tea. Watching the door. Worrying. Waiting.
Sirius had said he'd be back soon. There was no point trying to sleep now anyway.
Two hours later, just before dawn, Alice Longbottom's fox-shaped patronus found him still sitting in that chair.
Sirius still hadn't come home.
Her voice was soft and soothing. Well, it would've been soothing, if it didn't keep catching. Each hitch a barb, painfully pressing against his heart, refusing to let him forget the news she was bearing.
James was dead. Lily was dead. Harry was all alone.
He felt numb.
Her words continued to wash over him. Voldemort was gone. The war was won. It was finally over, but celebrating was last thing he felt like doing. Then something caught his attention. And the rest of his small world fell apart.
'Alice, wait, what was that?'
'They were attacked at home. The whole house has been gutted. We're still trying to get a hold of everyone, and find out what's going on. But, I know they had a secret keeper. And either they were betrayed, or someone else is dead. And then they were still betrayed by someone,' she choked back a sob, 'I'm so tired of burying friends and discovering traitors. Remus. I just…' She stopped, suddenly noticing his face had somehow gone whiter. 'Remus?'
'Sirius. It was Sirius. He was their secret keeper. I just… How can he be dead?' His voice cracked. His Sirius. His best friend. His lover. His everything. Gone. With James. With Lily. And probably Peter too, it was that kind of night.
'I wouldn't be so quick to mourn him. He was alive and in good health when he stopped by the Potter house this morning.' Her voice was clipped and cold. 'I'll have to pass that along.'
'Sirius would never betray James. Alice, you know that.' He could feel the panic and hysteria bubbling up in his throat. He wasn't sure whether he wanted Sirius dead or alive. He wanted yesterday. He wanted James and Sirius and Lily and Peter sitting in this room with him. He wanted his Sirius. He wanted him alive. He wanted him on his side. As he should be, no matter what fight.
He wanted Sirius to not be the secret keeper. But he'd stood next to him outside the Potter house, and whispered the address in his ear when Harry was just two months old. And then kissed his neck before pulling away.
'He was alive. If he was their secret keeper, then he betrayed them. Sirius might've been your friend, Lupin, but he was also a Black. In the end, blood is thicker than water'.
And then the silvery creature vanished.
And Remus was all alone.
