Disclaimer- All I own of the X-Files are the nine DVD boxsets. Mulder and Scully belong only to each other.
Summary- Scully has trouble dealing with her beliefs and doesn't want to confide in Mulder. Short Thought-fic.
Scully- Sometimes, I want to tell him. Sometimes I want to tell him so badly, it seems as if the words I want to say will jump out of my mouth without me even realising it. But he doesn't need to know.
I know he cares about me, sometimes it's obvious. In the little things. The soft touches, the small smiles, the quick looks. These little things make me sure that if he were to share my burdens, he would help me, but it would hinder him.
It's better that he doesn't know my problems. He has so much of his own to worry about. I know he never stops thinking about the conspiracies, he probably dreams about them, and I know that Samantha is never far from his mind.
I'm sure he can already see some things, how the cancer has affected me, my pain at losing Emily.
But he doesn't know how I really feel about some things.
Like my infertility, the knowledge that I will never be able to have children eats me up inside.
He also shouldn't have to hear about my fears about my beliefs. He's my partner, not my shrink.
He doesn't need to know that I am questioning my strong faith in factual science , although he may be slightly pleased to hear that I am opening my mind to extreme possibilities.
He doesn't need to know about me not knowing what to believe in, or if I can even believe in anything anymore.
The things I've seen, ever since I met Mulder, have been so horrific, and a great number of them, as much as I don't like to admit it, are unexplainable.
I don't want to believe, I want my confidence in the laws of science to return.
Sometimes, when I'm unsure of what to think, even holding my weapon I can still feel so vulnerable.
But as much as I trust Mulder, he doesn't need to hear all this. He doesn't need to know.
Mulder- What is she thinking? Why wont she tell me? I want to know.
