Disclaimer: As always, nothing you recognize from the show belongs to me.
A/N: Sigh, another season of Once, another season of missing moments (read: MISSED OPPORTUNITIES) for the Charming family. I'm going to attempt to fill them in for us because the feels potential must be realized. This wasn't beta'd, so any mistakes are mine!
Obvious spoilers for 3x01.
The waves of nausea come suddenly and strong, making her freeze in her tracks. She allows Regina and Hook to pass her and hopes they don't notice how pale she has become – although, to be fair, they probably aren't even looking at her face. Her head is pounding from the impact of hitting whatever that was that fell from the Jolly Roger, and she squeezes her eyes shut as her world begins to spin.
"Emma?"
The last thing she wants to hear is her mother's voice, that sweet tone dripping with concern. She wishes she had the strength to tell Mary Margaret to ignore her, just as Regina and Hook have, but the words don't come. When she opens her mouth to speak, the dam is broken and she begins to violently cough up more water.
"Emma!"
She crouches down, hiding her face, her embarrassment, as more sea water comes up. She is supposed to be their leader, she has given herself that mantle, but she is failing them now, brought low by her own shortsightedness.
She feels a hand on her shoulder that she knows belongs to Mary Margaret, but she doesn't look up. To her chagrin, she distinctly hears footsteps stop, and knows that the entire party has stopped and is waiting on account of her.
"Go on, I've got this," Mary Margaret says from Emma's side. Apparently no one has moved because when she says "Go" again, her tone is harsher, more final. Emma hears the footsteps moving again and knows that Regina and Hook at least are moving forward. She's not sure what David will do, if he will try to fulfill his duty as father by staying by his sick daughter's side, or if he will give her the space she so desperately wants.
When she hears footsteps again, she knows that David has chosen to leave, and she's grateful. She tells herself she'll find a way to thank him later, and then remembers she hasn't even thanked him for saving her life. She's not sure what's more embarrassing: the fact she needed saving in the first place, or the fact she can't bring herself to thank him because it would just be too damn awkward.
Mary Margaret's hand has moved to her back and is moving in circles. The tenderness of her mother's touch makes her feel even guiltier for snapping at her earlier. In this moment, when it's just the two of them in some godforsaken jungle, she remembers what it was like to be with Mary Margaret, her friend, her roommate, and not Mary Margaret, her mother, Snow White.
"Are you feeling better?" Mary Margaret asks softly.
Emma shrugs, not wanting to say no, but knowing she can't get away with saying yes. Instead she sits back on her heels, pushing herself away from the pool of regurgitated sea water on the jungle floor. Mary Margaret sits down next to her and raises a hand to brush Emma's long hair from her face.
"Don't," Emma hisses, harsher than she has intended.
Mary Margaret's eyes widen as though she's been slapped. "I was just – I only wanted to-"
"I know what you wanted," Emma says. She glares at her as if to say, But I don't want to be mothered.
Emma sighs and turns away. She knows she's hurting Mary Margaret, and that's not her intention, but she can't deal with the affection. She doesn't want to be touched, be reassured, by someone her own age. She spent her whole life wanting a mother, but she doesn't want this. She'd tried to convey that to Mary Margaret and David earlier, that it made no sense for them to talk about life wisdom as though they had lived longer, as though they'd had more life experiences than she had, when they clearly hadn't.
"You shouldn't have done it," Mary Margaret says.
Emma narrows her eyes at her. "You wouldn't stop fighting. I had to do something."
"But risking your life like that?" Mary Margaret looks almost scared that Emma would have even considered taking such drastic action. "Emma, you have to think about the consequences of your actions. It's not just you anymore."
"Yeah?" Emma challenges. "Well, excuse me for taking a bit longer than you'd like to get used to that idea."
She expects her to recoil, maybe even get up and leave, but instead Mary Margaret just looks at her sadly. "When are you going to let me in?"
"Maybe once I know you're not going to let me down."
Emma wonders if she's being unfair, but she doesn't take back what she said. Not even when Mary Margaret's eyes fill with tears and she quickly turns away so that her daughter can't see them. She can't comfort her now, can't even process everything she's feeling. She feels like her heart has been ripped out and smashed into a million pieces on the floor. Losing Neal, losing Henry. Her growing frustration and fear that she'll never see her son again. It's all too much to bear, and the emotions come in such a rush, she's glad her mother can't see the tears that have crept into her own eyes.
"I'm so sorry," Mary Margaret whispers finally.
"For what?" Emma asks.
Mary Margaret looks at her, and Emma's relieved to see the tears are now gone. "For everything," she says earnestly. "For fighting. For scaring you. For whatever else you blame me and your father for. Just – I'm sorry, Emma. I'm so, so sorry."
Emma sighs. "I'm sorry, too." She pauses and then decides that she trusts Mary Margaret enough to say it. "I'm scared."
Mary Margaret nods. "I know. I am, too."
"Your optimism scares me," Emma admits. "I – I'm not like that. I didn't grow up like you did. I didn't grow up believing everything would be okay."
"And I'm sorry for that, too," Mary Margaret whispers.
"I don't need you to be sorry," Emma says. "I don't need sorry. I need action. I need you to understand me. I need you to see what I don't see the world the way you do. Why there isn't just one way to do things, some magical right way that will just appear and somehow always work. I just need things to work. And sometimes they might not get done the right way, and that's okay."
"Emma-"
"No, let me finish," Emma cuts her off. "You and David only understand doing things the so-called right way. But you don't see that the world isn't black and white. You don't see that it's not a choice between good and evil. It's not a choice about hero or villain. It's about everything in between." Emma hesitates and then adds, "I thought you saw that when Cora died. That there is dark and light in all of us. And we're all capable of both."
She sees in Mary Margaret's expression that this possibility scares her, that she doesn't want to even consider the possibility that Snow White could have any inkling of darkness inside of her. Emma doesn't need Mary Margaret's world view, her moral compass, to change entirely, but she can't have Snow White's morality getting in the way of her attempts to find her son.
"How do you know?" Mary Margaret asks. "How do you know that what you're doing is good and not evil, if it's not right?"
Emma bites her lip. "I don't know," she admits. "You don't always know. But you can't always do what's good in a way that's right." Mary Margaret looks confused, so Emma tries to clarify. "When I'm faced with a choice between fighting to the death to get my son, or losing him forever, I'm going to fight to the death."
"But aren't you scared about what that will do to you?" Mary Margaret whispers. "Inviting that kind of darkness into your heart?"
"No." Emma shakes her head.
"Why?" Mary Margaret wants to know.
Emma smiles. "Because I have faith that I'll know when to stop."
A/N: Would people be interested in reading a missing moments chapter for each episode? Please review and let me know!
