Chapter one
As my mother used to say people are not meant to fly.
Unfortunately I didn't take this advice soon enough and proceeded to jump off the garage roof for the third time that day, tearing my underpants and showing my ass to the entire Burg. I have a strange feeling that this might end the same.
My name is Stephanie plum and I am a bond enforcement agent, working for my cousin Vincent Plum. I'm not the greatest bond enforcement agent but I'm not the worst either. A seriously hot guy with the name Ranger who could quite possible be Batman would be the best and my sometimes partner Lula is probably the worst. Right now I was standing in the driveway of Damian Gad with Lula, watching him standing on the roof of his house in a super hero costume. He was wanted for public drunkenness and public tinkling. Catch, handcuff and bring in a fat balding man in Spandex, easy.
"Damian come down! Bond enforcement!" That hardly ever works but it was worth a shot right?
"I am not coming down and for the last time my name is Exaggerateto! I will shock you with my superpower of knowledge!"
"More like baffle us with bullshit." Lula yelled up. "If you don't get you bony white ass down I'm going to shoot it down."
"You'll have to come and get me!" he taunted Lula whilst hopping from one foot to the next, then losing his balance and grabbing onto the television antenna. There's a large part of me that wanted him to fall just to make it easier to catch him.
"That's it! I'm coming up there!" and with that she stormed in the house. Lula was a ho' in her former life and is now working as filer at Vinnies bail bonds and spends more time with me than she does at the office filing.
"Lula wait!" I don't want to miss this. I ran after her. The house reminded me a bit of a tip. Empty bottles and beer cans were sprawled all over the place and I don't even want to think about the smell. I stepped over what used to be a loaf of bread I think, but is now a bag of blue fuzz. Eww.
"You don't scare me!" he shouted from the roof.
"You should be afraid as I shoot lots of people, right Stephanie?" truth was Lula shot at lots of people, she hardly ever got them.
"That's it I'm sending Stephanie up there to kick your ass."
"Me, why me?" I said shooting a glare at Lula.
"He's your FTA."
"It was your idea to go after him I was just going to wait until he fell off the roof!"
"Fine I'll go get him, but you owe me lunch for this." said Lula as she started up the stairs but stopped half way.
"You sure you don't want to come up?"
"Positive." She made a hand gesture and climbed the rest of the way and disappeared into on of the rooms. After a few minutes of silence I herd noise from up the stairs.
"Oh shit!"
"What? What's wrong?" and I came running up the stairs to see Lula looking out the bedroom window.
"He don't seem to be here and neither does your car." Damn it! If there is a god he'll let my car be in perfect condition when I find it. Deep down I know that's highly unlikely. I stormed outside with Lula behind me. I grab my mobile phone out of my bag and punched in Joe's number. Joe Morelli is a extremely hot Trenton cop who has been causing trouble for me ever since I was six years old where he took me in the garage in the promise to learn a new game.
"Hey, an FTA stole my car."
"Cupcake, you've had that car for only one week and it's already gone."
"It wasn't my fault." I could just imagine him smiling to himself.
"It's never your fault. Hold on I'll come pick you up, where are you?" I gave him the address and then I disconnected and looked at Lula.
"Do you want a lift with Morelli and me?" even as I said it I knew what the answer would be.
"No thanks I think I'll call Connie for a lift. Cops still give me the creeps." Connie was the secretary at the bonds office. Connie looked like a short Betty Boop with a moustache.
"Ok, but I don't know why your still have this fear thing about cops." Lula called Connie and within five minutes she was gone. While I'm waiting I might as well call Ranger. I dialled his number.
"Yo."
"Yo yourself."
"Babe, what happened now?" men, always jumping to conclusions.
"Nothing just calling to see how you are."
"You shot someone? Your car blew up? You quit you job again? You joined the circus?"
"No to all of them. I had my car stolen by an FTA."
"Babe." Then he hung up. Morelli pulled up just as I put my phone away.
"Who was that? Hang on, don't tell me." we sat in silence as we drove. We pulled up at his house.
"This is your house."
"I figure while I had you in my car I might as well take you home to my house because Bob hasn't seen you in ages." Bob is Morelli's big orange dog. He was mine but he decided he liked Morelli's house better, go figure.
"Using Bob as an excuse?" I raised an eyebrow.
"He does miss you, but I miss you more." He replied as we pulled up his drive way. I hopped out of the car and let Morelli go to the door first. I had to brace myself for the attack of Bob the over-excited dog. As soon as Morelli opened the door Bob bounded out side past him and hit me square in the chest sending me falling on my ass. I gave Bob a hug and then followed Morelli inside.
"What do you want for dinner?" he said closing the front door behind Bob.
"Doughnuts."
"Pizza it is." Morelli said shaking his head as he headed towards the phone to place an order.
"How's work going?" I asked once he came back.
"Not much to talk about. Gang killings are going up again, but the good thing is they only really kill people from other gangs and the occasional pimp." I heard to pizza delivery car pull up in the drive and I made it to the door just a bit slower than Bob. My job is to hold back the over-energetic Bob while Morelli pays the delivery man. He sat the pizza on the coffee table and fed bob a piece which Bob ate in 2 seconds flat. Bob has an eating disorder, he eats everything. Shoes, clothes, couches, toilet paper and even car seats. I filled Bob's bowl with fresh water and grabbed a beer for myself and Joe. We sat on the couch eating pizza drinking beer and watching television.
"Heard you were working on the Tim Cox case. Any luck?" I said throwing my crust to Bob.
"It's ok, a bit dull though. Have a lot out on it. So far nothings came in though." Tim Cox disappeared four days ago. He was about 45 years old going on 260 years old. He was a respectable man who owned a house just outside the Burg and ran a bakery on the corner of Stark Street, not a great location but it got heaps of business as it was the only bakery on Stark to pass an occupational health and safety inspection, best not to think wether or not he bribed them though. He used to be one of the main bookies in all of Trenton but one day he just stopped and focused entirely on the bakery business. Four days ago he just didn't come home from work. His wife was the one who told the police.
We finished off the last of bits of the pizza and watched television in silence for a few minutes.
"Remember when you swore off sugar?" Morelli said sliding his arm around my shoulders pulling me in closer.
"Yeah." How could I forget? I felt like I was on Prozac and Morelli's 'boy's' fell into a coma.
"Want a night like that?" Morelli whispered in my ear.
"Bed?" and with that he scooped me off the couch and carried me up stairs. He placed me on the bed and leaned above me smirking.
"Very macho."
"You don't know the half of it, cupcake." He kissed my mouth, my neck, my collar bone, my stomach, my… ohmigod.
I woke up at 7:30am with Morelli whispering suggestions in my ear. Not being able to sleep we made the most of the time. After that I went to have a shower and I guess we made the most of the shower time as well. He got out and went down stairs while I did the whole hair rollers and mascara thing and pulled on a pair of jeans and a well fitting low cut tee-shirt. I could smell coffee brewing as I climbed down the stairs. There is a god.
"What are you doing today?" I asked while pouring a cup of coffee and sitting next to him at the table.
"Nothing much, probably look for your car." God I hope they find it in one piece and untouched.
"Cupcake, you want a lift to the office?"
"Sure. I think I'll go see if they got any new FTA's. I'm don't feel like chasing after Damian the balding superhero today." I finished the rest of my coffee and rinsed the mug.
"Ready?" Joe said walking towards the door.
"Hang on!" I ran upstairs and grabbed my jacket. Ran back down and jumped in the Morelli's car. We reached the bonds office.
"Have a safe day Stephanie." Said Morelli kissing me as I got out of the car. The sad thing was we both knew that my day would result in me rolling in garbage of some sort.
"I- I…like you." Shit! Why is it so hard to say?
"I love you too Steph." Said Morelli shaking his head as he pulled away. I walked in to the bonds office which was unusually quiet, which meant Ranger was in here somewhere. He was sitting on the couch reading a file labelled 'Granger' on the outside.
"Girl you got that smile on your face." Stupid smile.
"Do I really?" I tried to make it go away but it wouldn't go away.
"Yeah you got that smile you get when you have something sweet for breakfast."
"Must have been some cake." Connie said fanning her self with a file. I turned to see Ranger with a slight smile on his face, he was laughing at me on the inside!
"Anything new?" I said shuffling thought the files trying to change the topic.
"We just got-" Connie started before she was cut off by the sound of Ranger's phone ringing. He answered it and talked for a few seconds before he hung up and came and stood behind me.
"Babe, got some good news and some bad."
"Tell me the good first."
"They found your car."
"Please say its ok."
"That's the bad news, your car was crushed to the max then was burnt."
"God damn it!" my poor car. For once why can I keep a car for more than 3 weeks. Ranger turned his attention to Connie.
"Where's Vinnie?" asked Ranger. Vinnie popped his head out of his office. Vinnie is my cousin who owns the bond office. He's a couple of inches taller than me and has the slim boneless body of a ferret. He's the family's pervert and sadly is one of the most normal members of the family. He is married to Harry-the-Hammer's daughter and is said to have once been romantically involved with a duck.
"You going to take the case?" Vinnie asked looking hopeful.
"I'll work on it when I can but I'm a bit busy right now with some stuff with Rangeman, I could use some help."
"Fine you can have Stephanie." Vinnie said going back in the office and locking the door.
"Lucky me." Ranger said walking up behind me and leaning in and whispering in my ear.
"Cake huh? Talk to you later about the case I have to leave now. Later, babe." And with that he left the building. No one said anything until he drove off in his shiny black Porsche Turbo. Connie was sitting there fanning her self once again.
"I think I just ruined my good skirt." Lula said getting off her chair to check it.
How was it? This is my first Stephanie Plum Fic! Reviews please! Thank you! xx
