AN: I do not own Twilight or any of these characters. If SMeyer were dead, over in her grave would she roll.

"Oh Carlisle, I don't know what to say...what a thoughtful gift!" Esme was in raptures, her golden eyes glittering with excitement as she gazed at the book in her hands. She pulled Carlisle to her for a kiss.

Carlisle's latest book, Born to Bleed: Hemophilia and other Rare Blood Disorders, had just come in from the publisher and Carlisle had revealed his Valentine's Day surprise for his wife on the dedication page: "To my beloved soulmate Esme, whom I will cherish for all of my days."

"Sweet...but a little morbid, Carlisle..." Rosalie said with a laugh.

Bella and the Cullen's were seated around the Cullen's spacious living room, recently redecorated by Esme's amazing talent for design. All of the couples were seated together: Emmett and Rosalie were lounging on the loveseat -- hands all over each other as usual -- Edward and Bella were sitting opposite them on the couch, Alice was perched daintily on the arm of the couch with Jasper standing warily behind her, and Carlisle and Esme were standing in the doorway with their arms around each other, satisfied smiles plastered on their faces.

"Morbid?" Alice repeated, wrinkling her brow at Rosalie's comment. "I don't see what's so morbid - it's a very lovely inscription."

"Yo, she doesn't mean the inscription, Alice," Emmett said with a roll of his eyes. "She means it's kind of messed up that a vampire would become a hematologist."

"I don't know how you do it, Carlisle," Jasper said with a shake of his head. "You must be a masochist to spend so much time around blood." He looked over nervously at Edward and Bella, who blushed. Edward tightened his hold on Bella but gave Jasper a grim smile.

"Well I think it's a very noble pursuit, Carlisle," Edward reassured him. "No one but a vampire could study blood with such reverence and attention to detail." Even though his words were not directed at Bella, she shifted uncomfortably.

"What did everyone else get for Valentine's Day?" Bella asked, who, as the only person in the room with a pulse, was obviously hoping to steer the subject away from blood. She looked expectantly at Alice.

Alice sighed dreamily and gazed at Jasper. "Jasper's trying to surprise me with something, so he's avoided making any concrete plans in case I saw a vision of it in the future - isn't that so romantic?"

Jasper smiled, but cleared his throat uncomfortably. Edward had to fight to keep from laughing out loud as he heard Jasper's thoughts racing: Damn! I completely forget about this stupid human holiday - what the hell am I supposed to do now? It's not like you can just take a vampire out for dinner and a movie...

"And what did you get for Jasper, Alice?" Edward asked for the benefit of those in the room who could not read minds.

"Well," she said, wringing her hands in anticipation at telling him. "Jasper's been trying to get in touch with his Southern heritage, so...." She presented him with a small box topped with a bow.

Jasper smiled at her and kissed her on the cheek before greedily tearing open the box. A set of keys tumbled out into his palm. "What's this?" he asked.

A grin broke out over Alice's face and Edward started laughing in earnest now. "I bought us some ATV's. I heard those were popular where you from...."

"Alice, he's Rhett Butler-Southern, not Nascar-Southern!" Edward said in between bouts of laughter.

"That's so...um...," Bella trailed off with a grin.

"...AWESOME!" Emmett shouted, leaping out of his seat and accidentally smacking Rosalie in the face with his elbow. "DUDE TAKE ME TAKE ME!" He yelled. Rosalie, pissed at being knocked in the face, slapped him so hard on the ass that he fell over and skidded on his face on Esme's new berber carpet.

Jasper's face lit up like a little kid's on Christmas and he picked up Alice in a big hug. "Thanks, sweetheart, this is the best present!" Alice smiled. Of course, she had already known he would love it since she'd seen it in a vision.

Emmett, sat up, spitting carpet fibers out of his teeth. "Well, fine, Rosalie, if that's how you feel I'll just take back your present."

Rosalie looked stunned, mouth open. "You...you actually got me a present?" she asked, incredulous. She smiled cautiously.

"Hells yes I did. What kind of an ass do you think I am, not getting my girl a present on Valentine's Day?" Emmett said. If vampires could blush, Jasper would be beet-red by now.

Esme shot Emmett a look and chided, "Emmett, language, please!"

Ignoring her, he pulled a box out from under the coffee table. Rosalie took it and very carefully pulled on the ribbon and unfolded the paper.

Emmett rolled his eyes, "Babe, you're taking too long." He yanked back the box and within seconds had shredded the wrapping.

"Well, I can see you didn't get me stami- I mean patience for Valentine's day," Rosalie said drily.

"Open it," he pleaded, anxious to see her reaction.

Reading Emmett's mind, Edward started, surprised. "Why, Emmett...that's actually very...sweet."

Rosalie gingerly took out a small glass box with a ballerina figurine on it. She looked at it curiously, then at Emmett. "Go ahead, open it," he said with a shy smile.

She opened the delicate glass box and immediately a pretty little melody began playing. Her mouth opened with surprise as she took out a pair of opal earrings.

"They were your grandmother's," he explained. "Carlisle helped me find them at your old house in Rochester."

"Awww!" All of the women in the room said in chorus. Carlisle smiled.

"Dude, gayest present ever," Jasper said, earning an elbow in the ribs from Alice. "What?" he asked in confusion. She glared at him. Oh crap, he thought with panic, she knows I forgot.

Rosalie showed her appreciation by planting a full-on kiss on Emmett's lips. "You'll get your present later," she cooed. Edward shuddered as he suddenly got visions of Rosalie in a nurse's outfit borrowed from Carlisle's hospital.

Still smiling, Emmett turned to Edward and Bella. "Hey, I got you guys a present, too."

Alice looked confused, "I didn't see any vision of you getting them a present."

Suspicious, Edward tried to read Emmett's thought. He could only hear Emmett repeating over and over: box, box, box, box... which he must have been doing in an effort to keep Edward from seeing the surprise. "You're only supposed to get Rosalie, a present, Emmett. I already got Bella a present," he said, looking at her with adoration. Bella smiled and touched the beautiful sapphire necklace she was wearing, given to her earlier in the day by Edward.

"I asked Jacob to pick it up for me a while back so you wouldn't be able to see it, Alice. Though he was sort of pissed when I told him what it was for..." Emmett explained. He handed them another wrapped box with a very sneaky look on his face. Box, box, box, box, box, he continued to think.

Edward frowned, but took the box from Emmett and handed it to Bella so she could open it. "Thank you, I guess..." he said.

As Bella started to open the present, Alice got a cloudy look on her face that meant she was getting a vision. Snapping out of it she groaned, "Oh Emmett...no....NO!"

Emmett started to giggle uncontrollably. Bella opened the lid of the box and looked at the contents with confusion.

"Since you two are bound to get serious pretty soon, I thought maybe you could start off with some, uh, practice," Emmett said, now guffawing without restraint.

Bella pulled the first item out of the box and eyed it, "Emmett, what is this?" She peered at it more closely. "Is this....is this....a hot pocket?"

He nodded. "There's more," he whispered before putting his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing. Hot pocket, hot pocket, hot pocket, he thought.

Bella's face twisted in confusion again as she pulled the second item out. Alice was covering her face and groaning. Jasper's mood had caught on to Emmett's hilarity and he started to chuckle as well.

"What is it?" Esme asked with curiosity. Rosalie gasped when she caught sight of what was in Bella's hands.

"It's a...it's....a glitter....popsicle?" Bella stammered out, staring at the long plastic tube in her hands, filled with ice and covered with glitter. "What is it for?"

"Oh my God..." Rosalie said. "Is that a dil..."

"EMMETT I WILL F***ING KILL YOU!" Edward interrupted with a roar as he suddenly understand what the gifts were meant to signify.

Emmett, laughing hysterically, yelled, "You'll thank me later, man!" and ran out of the room. Edward followed in hot pursuit. He was so pissed Bella half-expected him to rip open his t-shirt a la "The Hulk" and turn green.

Carlisle and Rosalie stared after them with horror. Esme was so shocked she would have fainted if she could, her lips had frozen on the words: "Edward, language, please!" Jasper suddenly got very uncomfortable from all the negativity in the room combined with his spasms of giggling. Bella looked like she was about to cry.

"I knew his being sweet was too good to be true," Rosalie hissed, and Alice got a vision of Emmett spending the night outside in the garage. From the other room the sound of furniture breaking was punctuated by Emmett's maniacal laughter.

"Um, Bella?" Carlisle said gently. "I'm not so sure you should give Edward your gift to him quite yet."

Bella nodded, her cheeks still blazing from embarrassment, and slid the box containing a pint of her own blood under the couch.

THE END.