The Last Memory: Chapter 1
She came back
Author's note: This author's note is going have to be underlined, since the story is from three different points of view, and I'll be needing the bold later. So, I know it's ugly and all, but bear with me. This is my first Fanfic, (though I've always loved writing), (and I've always loved Snape and Lily) so I'm not exactly sure how this thing works, but from what I understand, I have to introduce the story a little, and then have a little disclaimer, amirite?
DISCLAAIMERR: So, obviously, I don't own any of Jo's characters, Lily and Severus belong to her and her only. I'm just borrowing. Though seriously, Jo, if you ever wanna give one of your adoring fans a little present, Severus would be very welcome here ;)
By the way, italics is Lily, Normal text is Snape, and though he hasn't been introduced yet, bold is James Potter. because he shouts a lot. Get it? Got it? Good!
Well, now that that's over, without further ado, here's my story, hope you enjoy :)
She came back
She came back for me, once.
She came to apologize. She came to ask for forgiveness. Or perhaps to give forgiveness.
Or perhaps to ask me to join her.
She came in the dark of the night, a year after she married him.
I'd had enough. I couldn't face him anymore. With his work as an auror putting so much pressure on him, he'd become moody, arrogant, angry. He lashed out and put that pressure on me. When he saw what he'd done, he was apologetic, of course. He didn't want to hurt me, I knew, because he loved me. But he still did it.
James had never been the nicest. He'd been the one who teased and taunted, never seeming to care what others thought about him, just never caring what others thought at all. He was never compassionate, could never put himself in anyone's shoes apart from his own, and those of his dearest, closest friends.
And yet, he was a beautiful man, convinced that he was doing right. And most of the time he was. He was a powerful wizard, an accomplished auror and a core member of the newly formed Order of the Phoenix, as was I. He had been strong and fast on the Quidditch pitch, and bright and clever in classes. He'd excelled effortlessly in most subjects, or at least the ones he thought important.
It was the little, personal, individual things in which he failed. And each personal failure made him even more frustrated. And each frustration, he bottled up inside, saving face at school, and now, at work, waiting to let it out when he was away from the crowd. When he was home.
I'd seen both sides of him, and I thought I loved him. I did love him. Somehow.
But now, I'd had enough.
She came, and she said that she missed me.
She said she wished things had been different, that they could have been, that she hoped they could.
She came and she kept her distance, but I knew it was no plain visit, for I could see her eyes, burning as bright as her hair.
She came, and she was pleasant, polite, ignoring my dark cynicism, and grim expression. She came, and in that moment, she was so beautiful, innocent. Like we were still children, when now, there was no way we could ever go back.
I considered going to Sirius, but decided he had enough to deal with without his best friend's wife complaining to him all the time. He had bigger problems.
I almost went to Remus, and once again decided against it. He too had problems. And he could be dangerous, around this time of the month.
Alice and Frank were... somewhere, on business. Something important for the Order, something secret, even I didn't know all the facts. They were on a mission with the Order's double agent, or so told the rumors. I still didn't know who it was, and didn't plan on figuring it out; Dumbledore had specified it was to stay a secret until he was sure he could trust everyone who might hear. All that to say, those were two friends I certainly couldn't go and talk to.
I was loath to talk about anything with Pettigrew, that little rat. I knew he hung around my husband and his friends, but I'd never trusted him myself.
And then, there was one person left. One person I'd missed desperately, but not wanted to see. One person who I loved and hated at the same time. One person, who, frankly, confused me. I hated being confused. One person I needed to talk to, but had been trying to avoid.
One person who felt exactly the same about me. I had to see him.
So, concealed in James' cloak, I went to Spinner's end, to meet my old friend.
She asked me how I was, like she hadnt blocked me out of her life for the past 4 years, like I hadn't gone from her best friend to best-friend-sorted-in-the-enemy-house, to friend, to acquaintance, to… completely gone.
It was my fault. I should never have called her that filthy word. Mudblood. Just to impress them. Just to feel like I, Severus Snape, rejected by all those I knew, could belong somewhere. I knew it was a bad place to belong, I knew I shared nothing with them. The only thing that drew me to them, or drew them to me, was our dark outlook on life. Mine, sad and apprehensive, perhaps hoping for revenge, but nothing more, whereas theirs was hateful, and fraught with the kind of twisted, sadistic glee I would come to be surrounded by in the next few years.
After that, she didn't care to see me, hear me, hear of me. I who had been her best friend was now the object of her most manifest distaste. With one word I'd betrayed and lost her. In the mix, I'd lost myself.
But she had come back.
I supposed she wanted only to convert me, when it was clear she'd come too late. But as the night wore on, and we continued talking, detached at first, then cautiously opening up more and more, it became apparent something else was troubling her.
It was hard, at first.
It was hard to go back to Severus, to start our friendship where it had left off, because we'd both changed and been changed so much.
We'd both seen the world for what it was; a dark, cruel place. And we'd seen it from opposite sides.
But as the night wore on, I found more and more of Sev and Lily, and less and less of Snape, agent for the dark side, and Lily Potter, tired auror, tired wife, tired of living. As we gingerly and very gradually settled into our old comfortable friendship, all my inhibitions seemed to leave, and as I talked, that night, I said more truth about myself to him then I'd ever said to my husband.
Finally, she broke.
It was Potter. That arrogant fool had been putting too much pressure on her. The foul loathsome cockroach of a man had hurt her. And so, she'd come to me.
They'd married the previous year. I remember hearing of it and wanting to stop it, but not trusting myself to go anywhere near her.
And also, I remember wanting her to be happy.
Now, all I wanted was for her to go away. I loved her, but I didnt want to be the person she went to when her first choice had disappointed her. I wanted to be the first choice.
And yet, I wanted her more than I wanted pride and dignity. So I stayed with her. I comforted her. I let her talk, I let her cry. I stroked her hair. I healed her cuts and gave her a potion for her bruises. I tried to make mysef believe that I eased more than her physical pain, that evening.
She asked for a place to sleep that night, and I was glad to let her stay.
I wanted her to be near me, but not so I could take advantage of her.
I wanted her to trust me, I wanted her to know I was there for her whenever she needed me.
I wanted to hold her and touch her and let her know I still loved her like she said she never would.
I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to love her, but I didn't plan on doing any of those things. That night, I was her friend, the one who helped her when she was in need.
He let me stay the night. He brought me tea, tucked me in. Cared for me. He was a great friend, but in that desperate moment, I found myself wanting more of him.
A/N: Well, I hope you liked my first chapter, there are many more where that came from. Meanwhile, If you're wondering what else to read, for something a little less serious than this story, Lovetobefaith is pretty awesome, and I beta her stuff, she's the one who introduced me to the sweet sweet world of .
Update: Thanks to duj for pointing out some anachronisms I hadn't noticed.
Oh, and before you read the next chapter, just note that it's pretty much a sex scene, and though it's barely explicit at all, (having no experience whatsoever except what I read, it was kind of awkward for me to write it, but in the end, I got by with a little help from my friends) just, you know, be warned. Like if you're twelve. Siriusly, if you're twelve, you should not be on this site. But just in case. Got it? Perfect :)
I'm sure we'll be great friends, you and I. Now, what are you waiting for? Read the next chapter!
