I do not own Naruto nor make any money from writing this.

KONNICHIWA BITCHES! Wow, that feels better. Like a gag finally being taken out after a long-(cough)... Anyways!

Betcha wondering why is this re-posted? Well, my title was obscene. Thus I lost all the reviews and stats because one word in my title was objectionable. There was no note from the admin asking to change it, which I would have. Just out of the blue, bam! It's all gone and irretrievable. But it was because of fanfic's reputation that I started double posting on Aff in the first place. So here it is again. Aside from some editing, this story is the same. I don't expect much in the way of reviews because, lets face it, it's been around for over four years and a fair number of people have already read the story.

Those of you coming across this story for the first time, here is the original Author's Note:

Yes, there is another OC pairing, but only as a means of torture. Very mature slapstick humor and strong Terry Pratchett's 'Small Gods' influence.

Enjoy!

"Ain't Karma A Bitch!"

Uchiha Itachi woke up to overwhelming darkness around him except for the strange white tile flooring under his feet and a weird office door with a large "P" in front of him. He peered around waiting for something to jump at him from the shadows, but was met with nothing. He still wasn't quite sure what was going on, until he found Kisame standing next to him looking just as dumbfounded as he was. It was then that the Uchiha's memories returned.

"Oh," he murmured as he sadly looked down at his feet, "That's right. Sasuke-kun killed me."

Hoshigaki crossed his arms and huffed, "He did have help though. I told you we should've taken out the Konoha nin when we had the chance the first time."

"Well, it's too late now," sighed Itachi. Then both men turned around when they heard an easily recognizable voice grumble its way toward them.

"First fucking chance I get, I'll pummel that fucking Nara kid into the damn ground. Seriously," Hidan shook off the last of the dirt clinging to him and strode up to Itachi and Kisame.

The shinobi stared at the foul-mouthed man in shock until he shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know why the hell I'm here, so don't bother asking! One minute, I'm underground in pieces, cursing out the damn Leaf-Nins and the next I'm standing here, all put together like fucking nothing happen."

"So I guess that just leaves Tobi, Pein, and his partner, huh," sighed Kisame as he nervously fumbled Samehada, "All I can say is... good luck to the lot of them."

"Tobi-san and the others still have a few tricks up their sleeves," said Itachi calmly.

The shark nin grinned, "I wasn't talking about them."

Hidan shrugged, "Well, it's not our fucking problem anymore. Now wherever the hell we are, lets get going. I just got out of that hellhole and I need to stretch my legs." The violet-eyed man stalked up to the office door in front of them and pushed it open. The door opened up to a sterile office waiting room with several tables and to the three shinobi's surprise, the tables were occupied by familiar faces.

Kakuzu, Deidara, and Sasori looked up from their work and gave the new arrivals friendly waves.

"Hi guys," said Kakuzu as he turned back to his papers, "Figured you'd get here sooner or later."

Deidara and Kakuzu had huge piles of paper on the left sides with much smaller piles on their right. The smaller piles had signs in front of them labeled "Done" except for Sasori, whose paper piles were opposite. The studious puppet-master had a rapidly disappearing "In" pile being moved into the "Done" section.

"Uchiha Itachi, Hoshigaki Kisame, and Hidan," said a strange nasal voice from the head of the room, "Please come to the front desk. Your files are here, ready and waiting."

The three shinobi walked past their concentrating comrades and looked down at a flamingo pink-haired woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties, chewing bubble-gum.

She looked right back at them with a wink, "Hiya sweeties! Since you're gonna be here a while, let me introduce ourselves. We're your case-workers, the name's Gladys and over there's Maureen."

"Helloooo," sang a blond beehive from behind a bookshelf along with a waving hand covered in liver spots.

As the shinobi blinked in confusion, the pink secretary stood up and handed several stacks into the bewildered men's arms, "Welcome to Purgatory. You guys need to fill out all these forms in triplicate then turn them in for processing. When you're done, a suitable afterlife will be chosen for you according to the information you provide." The secretary hurriedly placed more sets of files on each of the newcomers, before she lost more valuable manicure time on these lost souls.

"There ya' go," she smiled at them before making herself comfortable in her heavenly ergonomic chair once more, "Take a seat where ya' like. There's pencils and pens at the tables."

"This can't be right," said Itachi as he peeked through the folders, "Our culture is Buddhist and Shinto, not Judeo-Christian."

The secretary nodded as she waved a nail file, "Yeah, hon, but apparently your ancestors put it to a vote and they want nuthin' to do with ya. Therefore redirecting your afterlife to the default point here... Purgatory."

"That's leaves us with the Buddhism option, un" said Deidara as he picked up one paper form for the three shinobi to see, "So we're all trying to apply for Karma."

"Hey," Kisame sat down at a table and looked around the office, "Where's Orochimaru? I thought he would be here too"

"It turns out he was clinically insane," said Sasori without looking up, "Something to do with suffering from a hormonal imbalance from the reptilian DNA in his bloodline trait. Seems all the pain and destruction he caused was just glandular and he was waved right on through."

Hidan shook his head in disgust, "Why that lucky slithering muthafu-!" The white-haired man didn't get to finish because Sasori rushed from his table and covered the man's mouth with one hand.

The "Immortal" Shinobi's violet eyes grew big as the puppet master whispered in Hidan's ear, "What seriously?"

Sasori nodded his head as he returned to his seat, "Seriously."

"Aw, fu... fu... fuuudge," Hidan's shoulders slumped as he shook his head sadly, "It just don't work!" He grudgingly made his way to a table to drop the stacks on top.

Blowing a big pink bubble, the secretary simply grinned at him, "I didn't make the rules, hun. I just work here."

Itachi picked up his stacks and sighed as he took a seat with his fellow Akatsuki, "So I take it we're all up the creek without a paddle."

"Maybe you suckers are," rebounded Hidan as he remembered his religion and proudly swung his three-bladed scythe, "But I've got a god who likes what I do. Go on, woman! Just look up Jashin then let me through."

Rolling her eyes, the secretary sat her nail file down and her manicured fingers flit across her computer's keyboard, "Jashin. Jashin. There's no Jashin here on the Gods registrar. Let me look in Demi-gods. No, maybe Demons? Nah, not there eithah. Ahah! Here he is! Yeah, he's now under the 'Figment' section." The woman turned the monitor and pointed to the computer screen for Hidan to see for himself.

"Fig-, fig-," the rabid cultist was going into conniptions from seeing his precious god reduced to barely a thought.

"Figment of the Imagination," helped the secretary as she gave him a cheerful slap on the cheek, "Yeah, he no longah has god status anymore. Apparently, you were his only true followah and worked real hard to keep you alive too. When you became unable to fulfill all the ritual requirements he set on you, he ended up dying for lack of religious fervor. So when he died, you died, but he died because you died. Are you following me, honey, cause you look like you're about to pop a blood vessel." She snapped her gum at him, causing the man's eye to develop a nervous tic and his neck began twitching to one side.

Teeth clenched tightly, Hidan walked over to the wall and started banging his head against it, relishing in the soothing pain.

"What's wrong with him," Kisame nodded towards the frustrated man.

Sasori sighed as he placed another paper on the 'Done' pile, "He's upset because he can't swear. It'll just give him more paperwork to fill out."

Itachi scowled as he watched the spazzing Hidan attempt to knock himself senseless, 'If I was able to skip through the Konoha Academy in one year, surely I can find a way to slip through the cracks of this shithole.'

Kisame looked up from his forms when his partner stood up from his table, "Hey, where are you going?"

"I'm just going to talk with the lovely lady over there," Itachi's velvet voice dripped with honey and his dark eyes glowed a sultry red with his Sharingan.

Gladys the secretary stopped in the middle of her "Filing" when a distinctly male body leaned against her desk and she glanced up at the dashing young man with strange red eyes, "Can I help ya' handsome?"

The Uchiha worked hard to keep a blank face when the woman's accent grated on his ears, 'I'm going to need a really strong genjutsu for this.'

"Why yes, you can," Itachi glanced down at a finger as his tomoe swirled in his red pupils then he bent close to Gladys, nearly murmuring on her bright red lips, "I couldn't help but notice some of the incidents in my forms were exaggerated. I feel that the so-called 'Victims' did, in fact, enjoy themselves and are still alive today. Those certain files really don't need to exist. Do they?"

"Oh my, my," with a slight blush rising up her cheeks, the woman subconsciously fussed with her flamingo hair.

Itachi smirked triumphantly and held out a hand, "Please, allow me to make my argument in private."

The rest of the Akatsuki quickly threw their heads back down and pencils scratched at top speed. None of them looked back up until Itachi and Gladys disappeared into the bathroom and locked the door.

"Oh man, un! If I had done that when I first got here, I'd have been long gone," grumbled Deidara as he glared at the bathroom door, "But then she never made eyes at me, un."

"Probably because she thought you were a girl... un," said Sasori dryly.

Then they heard nasally gasping and moaning echo through the walls and ventilation., "Ohh-ooooh..." The secretary's irritating voice reverberated into the waiting room and needled it's way into the Akatsuki brains.

Hidan eyed his scythe wondering if cutting off his own ears would make the torture stop. Kakuzu unraveled some of his strings, stuck them deep in his ears, then sighed in sweet relief.

Deidara rubbed harshly at his poor forehead before signing the bottom of his paper, "It sounds like they're having a good time, un."

Kisame nodded as he started in on another form, "Yup, he says it helps to use a genjutsu."

"Seriously," Hidan looked up from his writing in disbelief, "Itachi uses genjutsu on women to get them in bed?"

Kisame frowned at the impossibility, "What? Nah, nah, it's for him!"

"Aaaah," they all chorused.

The room went silent when the bathroom door opened and the two "Lovers" walked out. The secretary had the glow that happens to a woman who spends twenty minutes alone with a Uchiha male. Itachi had the unreadable mask that he wore when he didn't want to remember a particularly horrifying experience.

"So do we have a deal," the young man prodded carefully.

The woman smiled happily as she patted down her pink hair and purred, "Of course! It would have been a terrible crime to deprive all womanhood of such expert skills. Just bring your files over here."

Itachi gave his grousing friends a smirk as he picked up his stacks and handed them to the secretary. She searched through all the different folders and pulled out the one marked, "Sex". Then she fingered through the many forms and pulled out three slips of paper.

"There ya' go," She pushed the huge stacks back into the surprised Uchiha's arms, "Oh and you'll have to fill out another form for seducing a celestial employee, but don't worry it's an easy one." With a wink, the damn bitch placed one more paper on top of the pile.

"HAH," laughed Kisame as he ribbed a grinning Deidara with an elbow, "I never thought I would see the day when the player gets played!"

The brooding Uchiha looked down at the folders in his arms, "I'm in hell, aren't I."

"Aw, such a sweet talkah! No, handsome," the secretary lovingly pinched the stoic Uchiha's cheeks with both hands, "You should be so lucky! In hell, all you guys are so populah, even King Herod wants your autographs."

Sasori, who prided himself on historical figures, looked up rather confused, "King who?"

"They're Japanese, luv, not Jewish," sang a robust voice from behind several bookshelves.

The secretary nodded as she flicked her wrist and snapped her gum, "Oh, right! See, he's this old king who's claim to fame was ordering all these baby boys to be killed. But I can tell ya' here and now, that wasn't what did him in."

Already regretting listening in, the other Akatsuki stopped their writing and looked up from their tables.

She curled a finger to bring a curious Itachi near, "Apparently, the biggie was ordering his brotha killed... so he could marry his sister-in-law... so he could screw his underage niece!"

And she slapped her hand on the desk for emphasis, "You should've seen the size of THAT file, I tell ya'!"

Itachi tried to keep his cool, but the horror still flickered across his face, "Big was it?"

With eyes wide, the secretary nodded and whispered harshly, "Apparently, she was his favorite."

Deidara covered his mouth with a mouth as he felt bile rising up his throat. If Sasori still had a stomach, he would've been emptying it. Kakuzu kept writing in blissful ignorance until he noticed the strange gagging coming from Kisame.

"If you hurl chunks on my suit, Sharkie, you're paying for the dry-cleaning," warned the shinobi as the strings pulled out from inside his head.

Hidan shook his head in disbelief, "All we did was kill countless numbers of innocent people, but some freaky pedophile gets special treatment?"

Deciding never to engage this woman in conversation ever again, Itachi quickly made his way back to the table and start filling out his paperwork. If Sasori had the discipline to be nearly done, so did he.

As the hours went by, eventually the secretary stretched and stood up from her chair, "If you'll excuse me, Maureen and I need to attend a little employee meeting. Stay out of trouble."

All the men let out a sigh of relief to see the pink-haired woman disappear behind the bookshelves. Then they heard echoes of the two secretaries giggling and gossiping happily from the back room.

"Not bad, Gladys," trilled a lusty mature voice, "Not bad at all! I just wish there was a chance at love for an ol' broad like me... this sixty year old bod just does not bring in the fellows like it used to."

"Oh, I tell ya, Maureen, those guys have been giving me the eye since I started spraying my hair pink. If you want to get lucky, change from blond to pinkette. That Itachi kid has got talent!"

The rest of the Akatsuki turned to look at the Uchiha, whose pen started moving faster. If Itachi wasn't already dead, he would have committed Sepuku.

"I don't know, Gladys," the robust voice seemed to come a little closer as a blond beehive peeked out from around the corner, "That Hidan one looks like he favors blonds and I really wouldn't mind playing with his 'Scythe', if you catch my drift!"

Said man sprung from his chair and proceeded to freaked out, "NO! NO! There is no BEEPing way in muthaBEEPing hell that I am going to let an old BEEPity-BEEP get BEEPing near me! Seriously!" Five papers popped right on top of his mile high "Swearing" pile.

Everyone glanced around every time an odd beeping noise covered Hidan's cursing and Kakuzu chuckled heartily, "It sounds like there's an automated censor in the speaker system. Must be top of the line to keep up with Hidan's cursing."

The redhead puppeteer kept writing through his "Thievery" folder, "Now you've got five more forms to fill out, Hidan. Better be careful."

"I don't give a flying BEEP anymore!" Hidan picked up his scythe and sliced the papers apart accidentally hitting some of Kakuzu and Deidara's stacks.

"Careful with that, un," grumbled Deidara, "And it looks like you got a new one too."

Sasori smiled as he worked through his second to the last folder before heading off to 'Reincarnation', "It won't do you any good, Hidan. The papers will just repair themselves."

The masochistic shinobi swung his three-bladed scythe around the room, venting all his anger and frustration on anything in his path, "BEEP! BEEP!" Unfortunately for Hidan's former partner in crime, the blades hit the green-eyed man's head and knocked over Kakuzu's carefully organized forms.

"OI! Didn't Deidara tell you to watch it!" Kakuzu unraveled his arms and tried to tie the violent Hidan down. Roaring, Hidan spun his weapon on Kakuzu and chopped the extending hands off.

Kakuzu ran to reattach his flopping extremities, "I'll get you for that, BEEP-head! BEEP! Now you got me doing it!" Kakuzu ducked Hidan's scythe then kicked at his partner. The kick missed and instead hit Deidara in the head.

"If you two don't settle down, I'll shove my clay down both your throats, un," shouted Deidara as he watched the two men wrestle each other to the ground, "Give the rest of us some peace and quiet!"

Hidan and Kakuzu pulled away from each other to silently agree on a truce. They both jumped the Deidara from behind, knocking him out of his chair and pushing all the papers to the ground. The blond Akatsuki growled angrily as he worked his exploding clay in his hands.

"I warned you, un!"

Deidara threw some clay spiders at Hidan, who swung his scythe like a bat and redirected them straight for Kisame before they detonated in the shark-nin's face.

Kisame fell backwards in his chair, screaming and clutching at his burned face, "BEEP! BEEP! That BEEP-ing hurts, man! I can't BEEP-ing see. Itachi, can ya' get those stupid BEEP-holes!"

Itachi calmly watched his partner writhe on the ground in pain and sucked on his teeth in thought, "Hmmm, why not... I was getting bored anyways." The Uchiha whipped out his arsenal of shuriken and thew them into the bunch of quarreling men

Hidan, Kakuzu, and Deidara were alternating slicing, choking, and dodging as they scrapped inside the waiting room. Tables went flying over as shields and chairs were broken for impromptu weapons. Itachi was having fun making choice shots at his colleagues, hitting a cheek here or cutting a leg there.

As the others were either fighting or rolling around griping about silly flesh wounds, Sasori calmly pushed through his paperwork, being careful to duck the occasional leg or shuriken. It wouldn't be long, if he could just finish these forms in this very last folder, then he'd be reincarnated back to Earth. It didn't matter if he found himself a tiny little insignificant ant crawling across a tile floor about to be crushed by a stylish high heel. It had to be better than this!

"THAT'S IT, UN!"

Sasori looked up then gave a tired sigh as he recognized his partner's ultimate bomb jutsu start to erupt.

"What," sneered Hidan as he and the others watched Deidara's body change, "We're already dead what the BEEP do you BEEP-ing think that's gonna d-"

BOOM!

Hidan woke up back in the darkness of Purgatory's hallway, "Oh."

Everybody patted their bodies down to check for injuries then looked at each other over. A highly annoyed Sasori stood in front of the group, arms crossed and foot tapping.

The redhead stared the sheepish shinobi down, "May I suggest a truce. So we can finish our paperwork in a timely manner or we'll keep ending up here instead of back down there."

The other Akatsuki nodded in agreement and let Sasori take the lead into the office. As the puppet-master pushed open the office door, he eager looked forward to filling out the very last form before heading straight for "Reincarnation".

Gladys didn't bother looking up from her nail buffing as a lazy smile curled on her over-rouged lips, "Welcome back, fellas! Have a nice break?"

While the others looked around to see the office all cleaned up and the pink-haired bitch completely unharmed, one redheaded puppeteer angrily glared down at his table to see five more forms on his murder file and one new full folder for 'Disturbing The Peace in a Celestial Office'.

The other five Akatsuki backed away from the shaking Sasori as several months of intense diligence and strong self-control finally snapped.

"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP it all to hell! You BEEP-ing mother-BEEP-ing sons of BEEP-ches! I am going to BEEP-ing kill every single BEEP-ing one of you! F-BEEP! Fu-BEEP! Fuc-BEEP!"

Even Hidan raised an eyebrow to hear the redhead's swearing start to outpace the Celestial Censor and shook a shaming finger, "Tsk, tsk Sasori. Now you've got eleven more papers to fill out."

"Argh! BEEP!"