Are you tired of the candidates who the media has been harping on for the last year or so? Come on, we all know that the election is as follows:
Bush: Tweedledum
Gore: Tweedledee
Buchanan: Views of Tweedledum, vote for Tweedledee
Nader: Views of Tweedledee, vote for Tweedledum
Clearly, we need a leader who will give us a change. That is why, the WRITE-IN party is proud to give you its campaign:
LAGUNA LOIRE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2000!
Why Loire, you ask? He's already proven he can handle a presidency, having led Esthar for the past year, and he has beaten all four of the "mainstream" candidates in hardcore heaven matches for the ECW promotion.
Questions:
BUT WHAT DOES LOIRE STAND FOR?
The following are his views on the "hot button" topics:
* Censorship- Against it.
* Defense spending- Lower it.
* Campaign Financing- He's yours for the right price.
* Health Care Plan- Put the people up in some small town where the barmaid nurses them back to health.
* Eminem- Strap him to a nuclear missile, drop said missile on France.
WHAT SHOULD WE KNOW ABOUT A LAGUNA LOIRE PRESIDENCY?
As you may know, the service that the President has that is arguably the most important is who they get to put on the Supreme Court. With as many as 5 judges likely to retire during this campaign, it could be dangerous to let Bush into office (think of the government sneaking into your room to look for condoms.) Likewise, Gore's people would be just as dangerous (think of him razing your city to grow a forest for one spotted owl.) Who will Loire put on his Supreme Court? Some of his likely appointments:
Kiros Seagill. Quote given to the campaign (on the controversial "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy: ) "Gays in the military? Good. Gays in *me*? BETTER!"
Ward Zabac. Quote given to the campaign: "..."
WHAT ABOUT HIS VICE PRESIDENT? WHO'S GOING TO BE THAT CLOSE TO THE PRESIDENCY?
As you know, it would be a very bad thing to let Gore into office, as his vice-president on tap is known to be video gamers' worst enemy. In order to counter this evil, the soldier turned journalist turned revolutionary turned President picked out the only person he could get, student turned fanfic writer turned founder of a cheaper substitute for the Church of Scientology "Alan Smithee." According to Loire, "Who else could be a better choice to make the deciding vote for the Senate?" According to Smithee: "COOL! Put me in touch with some guy named Vinny, ok? There's a good lad."
ARE THERE ANY...SCANDALS WE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT?
Well, aside from the whole "Being caught in a tryst with the mother of his son's girlfriend" and "Never being married, but always being around the younger daughter of his late girlfriend" things, Mr. Loire is a very sane choice for President.
The proof is right here. On November 7th, write in Laguna Loire for President. Because he's the lesser of the evils.
PAID FOR BY LAGUNA LOIRE FOR PRESIDENT 2000, A subsidiary of "Put Alan Smithee as Puppetmaster of a Shadow Government Y2K."
Bush: Tweedledum
Gore: Tweedledee
Buchanan: Views of Tweedledum, vote for Tweedledee
Nader: Views of Tweedledee, vote for Tweedledum
Clearly, we need a leader who will give us a change. That is why, the WRITE-IN party is proud to give you its campaign:
LAGUNA LOIRE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2000!
Why Loire, you ask? He's already proven he can handle a presidency, having led Esthar for the past year, and he has beaten all four of the "mainstream" candidates in hardcore heaven matches for the ECW promotion.
Questions:
BUT WHAT DOES LOIRE STAND FOR?
The following are his views on the "hot button" topics:
* Censorship- Against it.
* Defense spending- Lower it.
* Campaign Financing- He's yours for the right price.
* Health Care Plan- Put the people up in some small town where the barmaid nurses them back to health.
* Eminem- Strap him to a nuclear missile, drop said missile on France.
WHAT SHOULD WE KNOW ABOUT A LAGUNA LOIRE PRESIDENCY?
As you may know, the service that the President has that is arguably the most important is who they get to put on the Supreme Court. With as many as 5 judges likely to retire during this campaign, it could be dangerous to let Bush into office (think of the government sneaking into your room to look for condoms.) Likewise, Gore's people would be just as dangerous (think of him razing your city to grow a forest for one spotted owl.) Who will Loire put on his Supreme Court? Some of his likely appointments:
Kiros Seagill. Quote given to the campaign (on the controversial "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy: ) "Gays in the military? Good. Gays in *me*? BETTER!"
Ward Zabac. Quote given to the campaign: "..."
WHAT ABOUT HIS VICE PRESIDENT? WHO'S GOING TO BE THAT CLOSE TO THE PRESIDENCY?
As you know, it would be a very bad thing to let Gore into office, as his vice-president on tap is known to be video gamers' worst enemy. In order to counter this evil, the soldier turned journalist turned revolutionary turned President picked out the only person he could get, student turned fanfic writer turned founder of a cheaper substitute for the Church of Scientology "Alan Smithee." According to Loire, "Who else could be a better choice to make the deciding vote for the Senate?" According to Smithee: "COOL! Put me in touch with some guy named Vinny, ok? There's a good lad."
ARE THERE ANY...SCANDALS WE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT?
Well, aside from the whole "Being caught in a tryst with the mother of his son's girlfriend" and "Never being married, but always being around the younger daughter of his late girlfriend" things, Mr. Loire is a very sane choice for President.
The proof is right here. On November 7th, write in Laguna Loire for President. Because he's the lesser of the evils.
PAID FOR BY LAGUNA LOIRE FOR PRESIDENT 2000, A subsidiary of "Put Alan Smithee as Puppetmaster of a Shadow Government Y2K."
