Prompted by Girisha1's "Don't forget me" fic I read earlier. Hope you like it! Please review if you can and let me know your thoughts, -Sophie x
"Dear all,
This is my note. My last one that I will ever write, and anyone will ever read. This is my suicide note.
This decision wasn't taken lightly, I can tell you now. But this year has been the worst of my life, and it just feels like I'm digging myself a hole that's going deeper and deeper and deeper. There's no ladder, no light, no life. Nothing.
I know I came across as bit of a bitch, but that was my mask, my secret identity, a curtain. It was something to hide behind. In reality, I am like a broken mirror- razor sharp shards everywhere, just waiting for someone to come along and fix me, but there was no-one.
These past 12 months have been hell for me. Firstly, leaving my job with Elliot Hope upstairs. That parting broke me inside, the first crack in the mirror.
Then it was my arrival in the ED. None of you took to me very well, and I know that was my fault. I was a woman in a man's world, and like many others, I had to stand my ground.
Then of course, it was the crash. I don't know if any of you knew but I blamed myself for what happened. If it wasn't for me, Jeff wouldn't be gone and we would all be back the way we were. I broke down that day, in my office. Charlie, you'll remember- I'd just snapped at the driver of the other vehicle. Well I went into my office and collapsed to the floor, my legs –like the rest of me since- too weak to go on. I sat and sobbed on that cold floor, flashing images of the crash hitting my vision like a slap to the face.
Just after the funeral, I got a call from Grace's school saying she'd been expelled. That little incident showed me how much I had failed as a mother, and how little I was needed in my own daughter's life. I couldn't face up to the consequences, and fell into an even deeper depression. I couldn't eat, sleep or function properly for days after her tantrum in resus. I took to alcohol- drinking my sorrows away each night to ease the aching pain in my body that was too long gone to fill. I knew my end was coming then, I could feel it.
Soon after that, you came back Zoe. You helped me realise that I wasn't coping, that I was a shadow of the woman I used to be, once upon a time. For that, I thank you.
However, it was the final straw when the complaint made against me was finalised and my day came in front of the judge. I walked into that courtroom as a cracked mirror, and emerged a pile of shards. That was when I knew I had to do it, and soon before someone cut themselves on my sharp edges.
Being a consultant, I obviously know the most painless ways to die. All I needed to do was sneak into the supplies cupboard, and that I did with ease.
By the time you read this, I will be long gone- my broken pieces glued together by the peacefulness of death. But before you finish reading, there's a few things I'd like to say;
1. Please, none of you blame yourselves. I am the only person to blame here.
2. Tell my Grace I will always love her, despite the fact she's been labelled as "troubled".
3. At my funeral, I want "Perfect" by Emma Blackerry played. Ignore the irony, listen to the lyrics.
4. In my will, my money was originally left to family. But I changed it recently so it all goes to the ED. You all deserve it for the amazing work you do day in day out, and I can think of no-where better to send it.
5. Please don't forget me, because wherever I end up, I know I'll never forget you all. Deep down, I cared for each and every one of you, I just didn't let it show.
Stay safe,
Yours always,
Connie x
(P.S- dry your tears, I'm in a better place now, I promise x)"
