Chapter 1
Victoria awakens slowly, turns and sees her sleeping husband beside her, his chest moving up and down in his normal rhythm. She watches him, marveling at his strong, good looks, and smiles. She snuggles up to him, and, in his sleep, he pulls her closer. It's early, about seven, and time to get up as she has a busy day planned. As she starts to move, a slight feeling of nausea hits her, causing her to run to the bathroom. Before she can finish brushing her teeth, Billy is standing in the doorway. "Are you alright?" he asks. Victoria can hear the concern in his voice and answers him. "Just felt a little sick, but I'm okay", she responds. As she turns to exit, the nausea returns, and she is sick once again. Billy watches her as she kneels over the toilet. "You are not okay. What's wrong?"
"It's probably nothing. I was feeling a little funny last night; it's probably just a bug. I'll be okay". She brushes her teeth again and leaves the room to go check on Johnny. Billy follows her and they both find their son still sleeping, surprisingly. Victoria starts to head downstairs; Billy stops her.
"No, go lay back down. I'll go get you a cup of tea; it might make you feel better." Billy leads her back to their room; Victoria climbs back into bed, as Billy pulls the covers up over her. "Stay there, I'll be right back." he says as he leaves the room.
As he makes Victoria's tea, Billy is angry with himself. He's thinking how much he has been leaning on Victoria since Delia's accident. Not in the way she would like, since he still can't express himself with his wife as he does in group or with Kelly. But he realizes all of the things he has left to Victoria to handle. Victoria has somehow has managed to do all of the Christmas shopping; he hasn't bought any gifts, not even for Johnny. Victoria has taken full charge of Johnny, the cooking, cleaning, doctor appointments, everything that's needed to run a family and a home, she has done it all. "Damn, no wonder she's sick." He realizes how many times he has said, "Victoria is taking care of it." Or, "I'm sure Victoria is handling that." whenever anyone asks how things are going or if he or Johnny needs anything. That's been his answer for almost everything, Victoria.
Billy, cup of tea in hand, reenters their bedroom and finds Victoria sleeping. A glance at the clock tells him that she is sleeping later than usual; it's now well after 7. Normally, she would be up, dressed and ready to start her day, but not today. She is tired, so he will let her rest. He walks around to the side of the bed to look at her. Even while sleeping, she is so beautiful, but he can see the exhaustion on her face. He looks at her full, red lips and realizes he can't remember the last time he kissed them. Her long, brown hair is spread out across the pillow, those silky tresses that he used to play with and twirl around his fingers; he hasn't done that in a while. He can see the outline of her slim, toned body under the covers, those long legs, and imagines how incredibly sexy she looks in her thigh high boots with the four inch heels. Wow. Now he remembers; the last time he kissed his wife, that night, when he knew the she wanted to make love but he couldn't, his mind had been too busy, to full of thoughts of pain and grief and vengeance and guilt, so much so that he couldn't love his wife.
"What the hell is wrong with me?" he mutters to himself. It wasn't too long ago that they could hardly pass each other in the hallway without a kiss, a touch or at the very least a smile. Making love to this beautiful woman has been one of the greatest joys of his life, since the very first time and far surpasses any distant (or not so distant) memories of the countless other women from his somewhat sordid past. Yes, there have been more than a few, but none compare to Victoria; he admits that he misses the feel of her naked, soft skin next to his. But, now, it's almost painful, because he knows he still can't give her what she needs; that part of him is somewhere else. It almost seems wrong to want to make love, or any number of other things he used to do; it would be like he's not honoring his little girl; like losing her doesn't matter if he does that. Doesn't make any sense, but that's what it is. Victoria hasn't tried since then and part of him is glad, he hates telling her no; he loves her and wants to show her in that special way, but he can't. Billy sets the cup of tea on the night stand and leaves the room.
An hour later, Victoria comes downstairs and finds Billy feeding Johnny his breakfast. She smiles, and sits down at the table with them. She still appears tired, but refuses when Billy offers her some breakfast, the thought of sausage and eggs makes her cringe. Without her asking, Billy gets up, goes into the kitchen, and in a few minutes, returns with a cup of herb tea and a slice of toast.
"You don't feel any better?" he asks. Victoria looks at him, shakes her head and takes a sip of tea. She nibbles on a piece of toast, "I'm just tired. I think I just need a day to rest and I'll be okay. Can you take care of Johnny today? Hanna's not available, so, can you?" "I was planning to go the group this morning; they are having extra sessions, since it's the holidays and all."Victoria looks at her husband and replies, somewhat impatiently, "Well, I guess you'll just have to figure something out, then. After all, he is your son, too. I'm going back to bed." Victoria gets up to immediately head upstairs, leaving a dumbfounded Billy alone with his son.
She doesn't go right to sleep, mentally going through her to-do list for the day. With it so close to Christmas, there are a million and one things she should be doing. But, not today, as long as Johnny is taken care of, everything else can wait. She realizes she was short with Billy regarding Johnny's care, but, he has to handle it, she's not asking him to do anything she hasn't done, every single day. She yawns; stretching her long arms overhead her head, rolls over and closes her eyes, her mind still racing.
New thoughts, those unrelated to the upcoming holiday, jumbled thoughts, thoughts about Kelly, and Billy, and, god forbid, Kelly and Billy. She knows what can happen, it's happened before, with Nick and Phyllis. Can it happen to us, she wonders. She's cheated before and been cheated on, but this is different. Victoria is a fighter, but she doesn't know how to fight this. Chloe and Chelsea were easy, even though her suspicions of Billy and Chloe having an affair turned out to be a result of her own imagination working overtime. In business, she can and has been ruthless, underhanded, calculating and sometimes downright mean in order to win; she's done it before, and is not ashamed of her actions, usually. But, in this, she's not sure where the battleground is, other than her bed, where she and Billy no longer seem to connect. She brushes the memory of that night from her mind.
"Maybe I can make her ass disappear, it wouldn't be hard It and it would serve the bitch right!" she muses, jokingly, but not really. Another wonderful thing she has picked up from Billy, the correct use of really foul language. Funny, it feels strangely liberating, even when talking to herself! She remembers Billy cracking up and making fun of her the first time she'd used those words at him. It was a silly argument, before they were married, but he wouldn't give in, just kept taunting her, trying to make her mad. He was successful. She just turned around and screamed at the top of her lungs, "Fuck you, Billy Abbott!" Billy had laughed so hard he cried, and then they made sweet, sweet love. "Yes, the good old days."
She wonders; how in god's name did she end up here, so in love with this man? Where's that wall, the wall she's always depended on to protect herself? She knows what happened; Billy Abbott is what happened. Billy came into her life, assaulting all of her defenses, making them useless. So much about her has changed, because of him, being with him taught her how to truly love someone, and she is grateful for that. Yes, he can be a little reckless, but that recklessness and daring helped her out of her Newman ice princess shell. Plus, he somehow manages to put up with her father; he deserves a medal for that. She just can't imagine her life without him, and that little bit of fear of losing him is slowly growing with each day. Without him, she might go back to what she used to be, and that frightens her.
She needs to think of something else. Reaching for the phone on her bedside table, she dials the number. "Hello, good morning. This Is Victoria Newman. Is there any way the doctor can see me today? It's a bit of an emergency."
Downstairs, Billy is with Johnny, who is his normal, happy self, happier to be with his Daddy. "Dada" Johnny says, with a big grin on his face. Billy can't help but laugh out loud, as Johnny repeats his name over and over again, banging his toy on the tray of his highchair.
Billy checks on Victoria after bathing and dressing Johnny. She's still sleeping, but he goes over to her side of the bed, and shakes her gently. "Vickie? Honey?" She opens her eyes, yawns, stretches and smiles at him. "I'm taking Johnny out for a little while. Will you be okay while we're gone? We should be back in a couple of hours." Victoria nods, smiles, and says, "I have an appointment this morning, so I may not be here when you get back. You and Johnny have fun, okay?" She closes her eyes once more and rolls over, her back to him. Billy is once again surprised by her attitude, but leaves the room without saying anything more.
