A Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 3 Re-Write: For F#ck Sakes Not Another One! And queue intro theme. Chapter 1 - Anne
Author's Notes: Guess who's back….back again….Rider's back, the king is back, yes he's baaaack…..danananan…nannana. So yeah, it's another season 3 rewrite. However, it's my version. So you can expect sex, the Chosen Two, more sex, the comedy styling's of one Xander Harris and Mayor Wilkins the Third, the episode where Buffy can hear people's thoughts, the band candy episode, battles which will stand the test of time, more sex and much more….sex. So I'm going to attempt to go by each episode in season 3, rewrite it as it was written plus add in my own stuff, and/or add in a few episodes of my own. Also, note that when you see a bunch of sentences in italics which tells a story or explains a situation past or present, that's the narrator narrating…Basically me pretending to be Andrew from season 7. Think of the scene stopping before the italics begin and your favorite narrator sitting in a chair explaining something. When the italics stop, the scene goes back to what is actually happening. Got it? Good. You people are so smart!Oh and Willow + Oz? Oh HELLZ No. Oz's character had this whole werewolf 'rage of the beast' thing going for him, and then they make him this carefree barely audible lead guitarist? Next!
Angel + Buffy?...Yeah Angel + Buffy = fuck that in this fic.
Xander and Cordy? = How? No seriously, how the fuck does a rich brunette bombshell who is also the head cheerleader…hook up with pre Nick Fury, shitty Xander Harris? I mean, unless she is just a cock sucking slut….hmmmmm….Guess who just got an iddddeeeaaa!
Giles and Joyce one night stand on the hood of a cop care twice? Ooh fuck no! All night long baby!
So as you can see I plan to alter the pairings. Also, any movies, music, television, or media of any kind used in this fic, will most likely be recent and not Madonna singing about how horny girls just want to have fun. Although, I may use some wedding songs if the time is right…you know the ones.…
SO
….Come with me now, gentle viewers, as I wave my arm invitingly and sit in my chair with my bath robe on and a bottle of wine in my hand. Join me on an adventure, an adventure I like to call. 'Buffy, Slayer of…the Vampyre's' *takes a swig*
Our Journey starts in a town called Sunnydale of the state of California. The night air was unusually chilly and the ground hardened from the cold. The graveyards of good o' Sunny D grew quiet in the recent weeks, not a rising for days. But tonight was different. Tonight…the dead rose. 'Andrew Hoelich, 1981-1998' the gravestone read. Now won't the gravestone company's faces be red when they realize they made a mistake. The date from life to death should read '1981 – X', reason being, Mr. Hoelich was now rising out of his grave with each passing second. "Hey there big boy" A pair of legs somehow said. The legs turning into knees, then a stomach, and then into the face of a red headed teenage girl as the dead man looked skywards.
"That's right big boy, come and get it". With a snarl and one final push, the dead man….started walking. Well, he would have if not for some mysterious figure latching onto the back of the vampire's shoulders and held Mr. Hoelich's hands behind his back.
"Now!" The figure hollered.
With no warning at all, another shorter figure appeared from the darkness with a wooden stake in hand. However trying as hard as the man could, he reached for his stake to fast before leaping out from the bushes and was now fumbling with the wooden weapon as not to drop it.
"Any time now!" The original man screamed as the vampire he was holding was starting to overpower him.
With horrible luck being sprinkled over the first man, the vampire he was holding became free from his grasp. The vampire turned to face the man and then struck him square in the jaw with a wild left that sent the man crashing to the ground. Yet all hope was not lost as the second man finally had a firm grasp on his weapon and charged for the vampire's heart. Unfortunately, the vampire turned to see the other man charging, side stepped, pivoted and called upon his super human strength to hip toss the mortal overhead and crash right into the first man who was trying to get up. Walking up to the two fallen males, the vampire growled with evil intent. It looked rather bleak for the two young men as death was staring them in the face…in the form of ashes…wait, ashes?
With a blood curdling scream, the vampire who once stood tall over his prey now soiled the ground with his remains as a young red headed woman stood behind the dust pile with the point of her stake thrust forwards.
"I did it…I did it!" The woman screamed with gleeful joy.
"Way to go Will." The taller young man congratulated the woman as he helped the shorter ginger male to his feet.
"…Come and get me big boy? Willow have you been watching your dad's old porno's?"
"Xander! I did not!"
"Let's be happy that we got this one." The ginger male spoke out.
"Well if somebody didn't stop to mark his territory before, maybe we would have gotten the first one." Xander replied.
"Xander! Leave Oz alone, he can't help that he's a werewolf and pee's everywhere like a dog before my dad hits him on the head with a newspaper and….I'm babbling again, you guys are supposed to stop me when I do that." Willow told her two male friends.
Alas it's true. Oz was bitten by a lycanthrope last year and since then turns into a fearsome creature when the moon is full. In fact, that's how Xander and Willow met Oz. The two best friends since kindergarten managed to shoot Oz during his, 'time of the month", with a tranquilizer gun without knowing who the werewolf was. The next morning when Oz awoke naked in a steel cage inside the high school library, Willow, Xander and the Librarian who is really an instructor and freedom fighter for a worldwide secret organization designed to protect mankind…. Taught the young man about his condition and how to live with it, even use it for good. Oh, and the Librarian who is a Librarian but also part of a secret organization to preserve mankind? Yeah, he's British. Anywho…
"We like when you do that, brings out the colour in your cheeks" Xander replied, getting a bright red blush out his best friend Willow.
"And you, aren't you supposed to have super strength to? Haven't you ever seen Underworld or something?" Xander asked his male friend.
"I'm not the Slayer Xan, I can't just go superman because I decide it's convenient." Oz replied slightly irritated.
After a brief silence and seeing the look on his friend's faces, Oz spoke once more. "Sorry guys, I shouldn't have-"
"No! It's ok, she abandoned us and her responsibilities. Let's go check in with Giles. Wherever she is I hope she's happier without us." Xander exclaimed before the trio walked out of the cemetery.
***Somewhere in a Diner Located in a Town That Nobody Really Gives a Shit About***
"Anne, table two looks like their ready to order."
"Got it Maude" Anne said with a sigh, whipping out her pen and pad of lined paper as she walked to table two.
When Anne finally got to table two, she saw a young couple fawning over each other.
"Riicccckiiiiee, not in public." The dirty looking blonde told her boyfriend, her boyfriend who had his hand high up on the young woman's upper thigh.
*Ahem* Anne cleared her throat. "So what will you two have?"
Smiling, the couple looked up at Anne before Rickie went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. "What can we get for this?"
Looking quickly for larger denominations, Anne ran a quick menu check through her head until she got confused and said fuck it. "Two slices of apple pie."
"Well take that then," Rickie told his waitress.
Before Anne could go tell the cook to heat up a frozen apple pie, Rickie spoke up. "Excuse me….Anne?" Rickie started as Anne turned to face the couple and show her nametag upon her breast. "We got these today, what do you think?"
Looking down at the tabletop, Anne was now staring at two opposite pieces of a heart on two young forearms. Rickie's said Lily and his girlfriend's said Rickie.
"Nice tats," Anne told the couple before going to get the bill for another one of her tables.
"Okay guys, here's the bill, take your time." Anne told the older, fat bearded truckers.
"How about I pay you off sugar?" One of the truckers replied, getting laughter out of the rest of the table.Pretending not to hear that comment, Anne turned around to tend to her other duties. However, before Anne could get far, the same trucker rose his hand and brought it crashing down upon Anne's young firm ass….except…he couldn't. Without turning to look at her sexual assailant, Anne brought her arm backwards and caught the trucker by the wrist. While looking forwards at her old cunt of a manager flirting with the young blood of the place, Anne turned her attention to the mirror on the wall behind the counter. Anne could see the surprised trucker and his table of buddies sitting there, motionless and in shock. Using her peripherals once more to ensure Maude was still trying to get the dish boy to eat her out, Anne turned her full attention to the mirror. She smiled ever so slightly….right before she slid her grasp right below the truckers palm, dug her thumb into the back of the trucker's wrist and violently pressed downwards with all her might.
Before uttering a sound, loud snapping sounds were heard in the diner followed by a thud as the trucker fell to his knees on the diner's floor tiles; the man holding his wrist as if someone just chopped of his hand. Still standing in the same spot where she broke the trucker's wrist, Anne turned her attention back to where her manager and the dish boy were standing and found that they were gone. Thus, without having to worry about being caught, Anne the waitress walked to the counter to refill the sugar shakers, while the table of truckers looking at the woman as if she were a ghost.
****Meanwhile, in the Hall of Justice….aka the Sunnydale High Library*********"So you were only able to get two out of the three?...Oh yes, pre-Shakespearian literature is over there beside the medieval history section." Giles pointed out to a student who was looking to rent his English books for the new semester.
"Only two? Hey G-man give us a break. We're not endowed with super powers," Xander reminded the Watcher while sitting on the front desk counter.
"Or attended Watcher 101," Oz added in as he strode over to the front desk in the Sunnydale High Library and handed the Librarian a book.
Now you may be wondering what a Watcher is, and thus you will now learn. But first you must learn the story of the first Watcher and how the cause started. …..Way back when, when the planet was still young, demons of the old ruled the earth. These demons were massive in size and scope. Their influence and power spread throughout the entire world and they constantly fought for king or queen-ship of the entire planet. Eventually, the most powerful demons of old were banished from our plane of existence by a higher power that most supernatural historians believe to be the God of Christianity and Judaism. Left behind were demons of great size but limited power. These demons are believed to be what modern teachings consider dinosaurs. Apparently the Vatican and other national organizations believed that people can't handle that demons and evil of that size actually existed. But I digress. But one day, one day the eldest of elders whom were also the most powerful of shaman's throughout the three biggest colonies of man All hope seemed lost to the village elders. That is until one sunny day the eldest elder witnessed his youngest daughter and his village's children all playing together. And then the next day the elder observed his daughter helping the village healers in healing the sick and injured. Granted princesses or people of importance back in the day didn't exactly have the luxuries that modern day Monarchs have, but they sure as hell didn't have to do anything except order other people around and make decisions that would affect the entire tribe. Yet here was this woman healing the sick and playing with the children. The elder couldn't help but think and thank whatever greater power that was out there The eldest of the village elders personally performed the ritual, along with the other two elders of different villages. The eldest elder watched as his chained daughter convulse and contort in pain and agony as he and the other two channelled the essence of the demon into her. Thus, the youngest daughter of the eldest village elder was the first woman to ever be imbued with the power and essence of the demon. And that my friends, is the story of how the very first Slayer was created. …..What does that have to do with the Watcher? Well, although having super powers gave the first Slayer the ability to fight the demons and the rest of man's enemies, she was still part of a gender which never learned how to fight. Enter the Watcher. The best and oldest warrior that man had to offer taught the Slayer how to do battle in all types of combat. Eventually, the warrior and Slayer formed a bond and through the older man's guidance, the Slayer grew to be a powerful weapon for mankind. Some say that it was a woman's maternal instinct that prevented the first Slayer from giving into the demon's influence within. Other's believed it was the bond between Slayer and teacher that kept the Slayer pure. Regardless, ever since then, every single Slayer since the original was mystically chosen or activated before womanhood and assigned to an older person to be her Watcher; A wise, talented and caring individual chosen to teach the woman how to fight and guide the young woman through life….Now back to our feature film…
"Which is exactly why I want you three to be careful. You're not trained nor properly equipped to deal with Sunnydale's demonic problem," Giles told the three teens.
"Well maybe we would be if you let me take a look at your more advanced magic books." Willow piped up from behind her book, seated by a nearby table.
"Got to admit G-man, having Blaire Willow in our corner wouldn't suck." Xander stated.
"Xander!...I'm not the Blaire Witch." Willow scolded the boy with a sad pouty look, in a sad pouty voice. A combination which makes the red headed teen such a cutie without her even knowing it.
To those who don't know, our geeky, red headed cutie pie Willow Rosenberg, is a practising apprentice in witchcraft. She started last year and at one point, the young woman successfully performed a ritual that re-ensouled a soulless vampire named Angelus. A vampire over one hundred and fifty years old, whom had a gypsy family put a curse on him that ripped his soul out of heaven and stuffed his soul back into his body. This way, the vampire now made man will feel remorse for all the lives he's destroyed, an eternity of suffering. Oh how silly of me, you couldn't possible understand what vampires and souls have to do with each other.You see, in a nutshell when vampires are created the person dies. The soul of the person goes to heaven or hell and the soul of a demon which wanders around in the ether of our plane of existence, has a window of opportunity to enter the person's dead body and live in that person's body. It's all very complicated but the short end of it is vampires are created through the use of blood magic. A type of magic which was believed to be infused within the being of the first vampire and then carried on throughout the ages as vampires stared to populate this plane of existence. Which would make sense since the soul of the demon wandering around in, 'Never Never Land', would be able to enter any dead body if the turning process didn't involve a vampire's bite. In any event….
"Children enough, we have been over this before. Magic can be a dangerous and volatile thing. Magic is both a force of nature and a force from Hell. There is always a price for using magic, especially offensive elemental magic." Giles blurted out in frustration.
"So then let me learn how to make defensive barriers or how to use the energy of Gaia to heal us if we get hurt." Willow pleaded.
"Willow, as noble as your requests are, the price I speak of could kill you. Your mind may be ready to take on the challenge but I'm telling you that your body isn't. Need I remind you that you were in and out of a magically induced coma for a week, in addition to the constant headaches, nose bleeds and flashes of fatigue when you re-ensouled Angel?" Giles asked his pupil.
Apart from learning the theory and terminology, before a Slayer is entrusted to a modern day Watcher, all Watchers are trainer in combat as well as magic.
"…..No, no remindies," Willow groaned under her voice with her arms crossed over her chest and a pout plastered over her face.
"Good" Giles uttered. "Now get to class all of you, I'll see you all after last period."
*****Outside Anne's Apartment Building, Walking on the Sidewalk***********
Holding her coat closed tightly as she walked, everywhere Anne looked she was reminded how much of a ghetto, piece of shit town she was really in. There was trash everywhere and graffiti covering the buildings. Whores, pimps and drug dealers waited around every corner while homeless beggars slowly shivering to death beside their tin cans. If that wasn't a clear indication of a bad neighbourhood, the sounds of the town clearly gave it away. Every few minutes sirens made their calls, whores screamed with fake pleasure, and gunshots advertised their models. All this, and Anne lived in the better part of town.
While walking down the craptacular sidewalk, Anne saw a familiar face. A local shelter operator was crouching down and talking to what looked to be a runaway teen, huddling himself, while sitting on the curb.
"Excuse me miss."
Nothing changed as Anne continued on her way.
"Excuse me, Anne!"
This time, Anne stopped in her tracks and turned to face the world.
"I'm sorry if I seemed to startle you by knowing your name. I've been by the diner you work at a few times and I overheard." The seemingly normal, warm-hearted man responded.
"What do you want?"
"Oh please don't think I'm out to get you Anne, I just wanted to make sure you have somewhere safe to go to…you do have somewhere safe right? If not you can always come by the shelter-"
"Oh this is priceless," Anne interrupted as she looked skywards in disbelief.
"I don't want to trouble you Anne, but it's dangerous for a young woman such as yourself to be out at this time of night, alone. I just wanted to see if you needed any help."
"Thank you but I'm fine," Anne replied.
"Alright, well if you ever need a place to stay for a while or know someone who does, please don't hesitate to come by shelter." The man told Anne as he handed her a sheet of paper with the shelter's details and his name on it. 'Ken, Helper helping the helpless. Shelter Operator' was what Anne read as Ken went on his way.
Continuing on her way with eyes cast upon the sidewalk, Anne's ears suddenly caught the distant sound of ghetto music being pumped out in combination of an engine roaring in the distance. For no real reason what so ever, Anne took a peek upwards to see an older woman crossing the road with a black station wagon barrelling down on her. Looking back down to the cracked sidewalk, Anne continued to walk on her way without a care for anything or anyone around her. Yet with each passing second, the chariot of death approached closer and closer until…WHAM!...
"What the hell is wrong with you lady!?" Anne demanded from the old woman she just football rushed out of the street and onto the sidewalk. The Station Wagon's tire marks now freshly stained upon the cracked pavement while the driver's foot remained clinging to the brakes for dear life.
"I'm no one, I'm no one…"
"What?"
"No one, I'm no one…" The lady replied over and over as she stared off into the distance, the driver of the Station Wagon hightailing it out of the area.
When Anne let go of the woman's arms, the elderly woman continued to ramble on and walk in the direction from which Anne came while continuously uttering, "I'm no one, I'm no one."
********Meanwhile, Back at Sunnydale High Library*************
"Yes? You have? Oh thank you! Thank you! I'll be arriving within a few hours."
"Giles?" Willow asked with concern.
"I have a lead, a friend in Oakland just told me a blonde teenage girl was seen fending off a pack of vampires by herself." Giles admitted as he looked at his watch. "If I leave now I should be able to avoid rush hour."
"And what makes this different than the last ten leads?" Xander asked.
Looking back at the young man after just putting on his tweed jacket, Giles replied. "Because it's Buffy Xander."
After several moments of silence, the dark haired male teenager sulked back into his seat and responded with, "Go, we'll hold down the fort"
**Skip Scene to Anne Walking Back to Her Apartment with Groceries in Hand**
"Anne?"
"…Anne?!"
"B-!"
Suddenly, with paper bag in hand, Anne turned around to face the person calling her.
"Lily, what's up?" Anne asked.
"How...you remember me?" Lily asked.
"I sure do Chantarelle, care to tell me why you're following me? I can't turn you into a vamp so you're out of luck," Anne replied.
You see, Anne has met Lily before, in a different town and by a different name. Lily, or Chantarelle as she called herself then, was unfortunately another teen obsessed with the paranormal and occult. The young woman was part of a teen cult which worshipped vampires and even wanted to become one. Luckily, Anne put a stop to the cult as she found herself trapped in a bunker with the cult. Trapped by her oldest and first friend she ever made when she used to live in LA. The poor boy was suffering from terminal cancer and saw becoming a vampire as the only way to live on. Try as she might, Anne tried to convince the lad that being a vampire is a fate worse than death. The demon walks and talks like you, but it isn't you. You get to watch from another plane of existence as you rape, feed off of and murder everything and everyone you ever loved. Yet in the end, as vampires flooded the bunker, Anne fought them off and helped the cult members flee but not before witnessing the true nature of the beast. The vampires fed and raped whomever they pleased during the altercation. Meanwhile…
"Oh…you remember…." Lily spitted out.
"Yeah, I do. Last time I saw you, you were trying to become a soulless monster. And if that wasn't enough-"
"Rickie!"
"What?" Anne asked after being interrupted.
"It's Rickie, he went to give blood today and some other stuff…but he hasn't come back yet. I think he may be hurt," Lily answered.
"Has he been gone for long before?" Anne asked, to which Lily responded by shaking her head.
"Lily, Rickie could be anywhere doing anything. He may just be asleep somewhere. You shouldn't w-…" Anne stopped herself as she was looking past Lily to see some old man slowly crossing the street. It's true, an old guy crossing the street is nothing special, but Anne was more concerned with the black Oldsmobile speeding its way towards the elderly man.
Squinting to see the driver past the windshield, Anne was able to make out the driver tilting his neck upwards to take a swig of some something out of a bottle.
"No! Not Rickie! He wouldn't….wait, where you going?" Lily asked in confusion as Anne started to gallop past the other young woman.
While following Anne with her head and eyes, Lily's eyes grew wide in horror as she witnessed Anne run onto the street and push an elderly man out of the way of a moving vehicle. The old man seemed to be ok which was great, but Lily's horror came from seeing Anne's knees smash against the grill of the car while the side of her head and rib's almost completely shattered the windshield.
"Oh my God!"
"Somebody call an ambulance!"
As a crowd started to gather in the street, Anne shook the cobwebs loose and looked through the strands of her hair to see the man she saved on the ground next to her repeating, 'I'm no one, I'm no one'. It wasn't until Anne heard the unmistakable sounds of sirens did she regain her bearings and remember what just happened. Getting back to a vertical base, shards of glass cascaded off Anne as she slowly rose to survey her surroundings, as if she was a super hero un-phased by the car accident she was just involved in.
"Don't get up!"
"Oh my God! She's ok!"
As Anne looked around at the members of the crowd and then to the groaning driver with his face in an air bag, she panicked.
'No, they can't see me. They can't know who I am', Anne thought before she bolted down the street at top speed, turning the corner and running through an alley to evade any followers.
Thinking she lost them, Anne turned her head to see nobody following her, but that made her miss the sight of Ken the Shelter Operator.
"Umffff" Both parties grunted as they collided, only Ken falling to the floor.
"Oh jeez, I'm sorry." Anne started to apologize. "…..Ken?"
"Anne?" Ken asked as he looked up, Anne then bending down to help the man pick up his shelter flyers.
The two continued to pick up the dropped papers until they both rose and Anne handed her stack to Ken.
"Anne….you ok? You look stressed." Ken asked as he studied Anne's face.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Anne replied.
"You don't look fine," Ken said. Getting Anne's, 'I'm about to punch you so drop it face'. You know, that face you get when your eyes widen so you can feel the skin around your eye sockets tighten and your upper lip forms a beak that contorts over your lower lip? Ya, imagine looking at the Slayer while she's sporting that right back at you…yikes.
Noticing Anne's facial features, Ken quickly followed up while Anne ran her tongue across the back of teeth on her upper jaw. "I'm not judging, but it looks like you were running away from something, or someone. I know your part of the small populous of this town that can actually survive on its own, but in case you need any help. Stop by the shelter. We don't turn away any young people in need."
"Thanks but I'm fine."
"Of course you are Anne, of course you are." Ken replied with a smile before continuing past Buffy through the alley, but not before turning back to leave the scene. "If you ever need any help! You know where to find me!"
**********We Now Take a Visit to Inside the House of One, Joyce Summers***
Looking into the home of one Joyce Summers, mother to, 'blonde bombshell', Buffy Summers, Joyce finds herself is sitting at her kitchen counter. The woman is currently going over the bills when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. With ears perked and a heart full of hope, Joyce gets off her padded stool and power walks to the door.
You see boys and girls, Joyce's daughter Buffy…well she can be a sweetheart but raising her has not been a walk in the park. Countless times Buffy comes home after curfew, refuses to tell her mother where she was, gets into all kinds of trouble at school, makes friends with the socially unaccepted kids and has even been accused of burning down her old school gymnasium in Los Angeles; the reason why single mother Joyce Summers and her daughter moved to Sunnydale in the first place. Joyce thought that moving to a smaller town would not only humble Buffy, but would help her proper development into womanhood with less gangs, sex and drugs around. But alas, such was not the case. At the end of the last school year, Joyce discovered that her daughter had sex for the first time without protection with her boyfriend, a young man who turned out to be a psychotic murderer. And if that wasn't bad enough, Joyce thought her daughter had joined a drug-using cult what with Buffy telling her mother that she is this one super hero in all the world, who can fight demons and vampires and monsters. Now, granted that Sunnydale has a surprisingly large number of supernaturally claimed incidents; ranging from ghosts to vampire sightings and attacks. But in an age where vampires and other monsters have made a comeback in the media, most parents think that their kids just want to live in a fantasy world
Now coming back to present day with Joyce going to answer the door while inwardly praying for the untold time that her daughter was on the other side of that door waiting to be held by her mother, the woman turned the knob and whisked the door open.
"Oh…it's you." Joyce replied.
"Yes, quite. May I come in?" Giles asked.
"No luck I assume?" Joyce asked as she closed the door after Giles stepped in the house.
"No, just some children wearing heavy makeup and listening to horridly loud music." Giles answered.
"I should never have said those words to her. She would have still been here. What if she out there and needs my help?" Joyce asked.
"Joyce." Giles started. "Buffy is the most capable child I have ever met in my entire life. I firmly believe that no harm will come to her so long as she keeps her wits about her. You mustn't blame yourself for-"
"I don't," Joyce cut Giles off. "I blame you."
