A/N: DaPrincess007 and I present to you, this romantic sit-com crack-fic: "Smoky Passion"! The characters are definitely OOC, and while we understand how most of you here on FFN prefer more canonical fan-fics, we just wanted to try our hand at crack-fic writing. This is a revised version of the original, which I'd deleted. But we're back! Enjoy!

Warning: There WILL be subtle yaoi/yuri lemons in future chapters. If you're not into that type of thing, don't read it. I've revised these chapters so that the yaoi/yuri lemons are in italics. That way you can skip past them and move onto the fun stuff.

Rated M for adult language, heavy romantic scenes (both straight/slash/yuri), etc.

R&R welcome!


-Inside the Lin Kuei temple-

(Tundra's POV)

I was lying in bed wondering how the fuck it was even possible that my best friend, Smoke, was engaged to be married to Jax's younger half-sister in the next three months.

However, in the middle of my thoughts, my annoying older brother, Bi-Han, sauntered into the room, promptly throwing a bag of what looked like marijuana in my direction. Luckily, I caught the bag before it smacked me in the face.

"Where the fuck did you get this, Bi-Han?" I asked incredulously. Everyone knew that drugs were forbidden in the Lin Kuei temple.

Bi-Han, code-name Sub-Zero, simply smirked at me. "Kuai Liang, do you even know what day it is?"

Rolling my sapphire orbs at my elder brother's irrelevant inquiry, I looked at the calendar on the wall beside my brother's bed.

Damn. April 1st. This wasn't good.

I had nearly forgotten that it was April Fool's Day. "I'm assuming you're going to pull a prank on Tomas, then."

My brother now glared at me, his smirk disappearing. "No, dumb-ass. Smoke's not the target this year."

I rolled my eyes again. "Then who? Please don't say you're gonna try Scorpion. He nearly beat the shit out of you last time you made an attempt to prank him."

Bi-Han smacked a palm to his forehead. "NO, TUNDRA! Even though I should get Smoke back for what he did to me last year, this time I'm going to get Xiang and Tyrone."

"Wow, bro. Seriously?" I said as I started laughing at my brother's plot. It was obvious that he didn't really like Sektor, but it was nothing new. No one did, since he was the Grandmaster's brother.

And both of them were assholes, even without Cyrax around. Also, the only reason I had cracked up was because I still couldn't get over Cyrax's real name.

Tyrone.

Who the fuck names their non-American son "Tyrone"?

Anyhow, I calmed myself down upon the sound of my chamber door opening. Bi-Han and I looked in that direction, only to see that it was Tomas.

"Hey, guys," the Enenra greeted, as my brother jealously eyed his rump.

Faggot.

What had happened next was inexcusable.

Bi-Han suddenly slapped the Enenra's ass, which prompted the latter to whirl around and sock the former right in the balls. With a painful yelp, Sub-Zero fell to the floor near the bed he occasionally slept in (he has his own room), groaning in pain while Smoke and I tried hard not to laugh at him.

I decided to taunt my brother instead. "Damn, Bi-Han... Tomas got you good."

Smoke smirked wickedly as he casually tossed a grenade in the air, catching it every time while leaning against the doorjamb. Bi-Han remained writhing in pain on the carpeted ground, clutching his swollen manhood.

It was funny to see the mighty self-proclaimed Macho Man, "Sub-Zero," acting like a damn ninny. I sometimes couldn't help but wonder why Kai had even given him that code-name.

Besides, "Sub-Zero" wasn't a very fitting name for Bi-Han.

The Enenra and I waited for my older brother to try talking in that squeaky voice. Which he did.

"Fuck you guys!" he yelled in the aforementioned voice pitch, causing both my best friend and I to engage in nearly hysterical laughter.

Bi-Han continued to hurl insults at both of us; he even resorted to using Mandarin profanity, which made Smoke and I laugh even harder.

After a while, Smoke had finally recovered from his cackling. He walked over to where my brother lay. "Dude, aren't you a damn Cryomancer? Stop being a bitch and ease your own pain."

Realization had finally hit my brother like a cold, hard slap across the face. His cheeks flushing bright pink from embarrassment, Bi-Han reluctantly let the ice from within flow through his veins, out of his right hand, and onto his aching groin. He flipped us off with his left middle finger before falling out almost immediately.

Tomas looked at my unconscious older brother with mock pity, shaking his head. "You never learn, do you?" Smoke then grabbed my brother, propping his weight on his left shoulder, before throwing the poor idiot on the floor just outside my chamber. Tomas even went as far as spitting on Bi-Han, before stepping back inside my room, closing the wooden doors behind him.

I couldn't help but laugh at the sight of my older sibling being manhandled by a demon in disguise. Smoke smirked at me once I'd regained my composure, before asking, "So, Kuai Liang, what's with your idiot brother all of a sudden?"

Sighing in false bliss, I pointed to the calendar. "April 1st, 2013, Tomas."

Tomas' grey eyes widened in shock as he cursed in Czech, before muttering something inaudible.

Curious as to what he had said, I asked, "What did you say, Smoke?"

He groaned and sat down on my computer desk chair. "April Fool's Day. No wonder Bi-Han has that weed. He was gonna set me up for what I did last year, wasn't he?"

Not surprised at his reaction, I chided, "Nope. He's planning on setting up Sektor and Cyrax this time."

Tomas' grey eyes widened in surprise this time, as he started laughing.

"Oh, my God! Bi-Han's a fucking GENIUS!"

Shaking my head in disgust, since Bi-Han was definitely no genius compared to me, I got up from the bed, and grabbed my towel. All that bonehead knew how to do was joke around and cause mayhem in the Lin Kuei temple.

Maybe my morning shower would calm me down before I finished Tomas' job by deep freezing Bi-Han's nutsack.

Realizing that the Enenra was still in my room, laughing his fucking head off, I growled in annoyance. I crept toward my best friend with bitterness in my icy glare, charging my right hand with my Cryomancy.

I wanted Tomas to get the hell out of my room, and fast. Smoke was far from stupid, quickly taking the hint and teleporting to an unknown destination.

FREEDOM!

Or not.

Just when I was gonna hop into my shower, my cell phone rang. I jogged towards the nightstand to see who it was.

My true love, Aya.

She must have been calling from the new iPhone that I bought her so that she could be able to keep in touch with me.

Honestly, I was very glad that Smoke had left, because I was sure looking forward to having a nice jerk off while hearing my beautiful girlfriend moan for me while she pleasured herself on the other end.

I was so fucking excited to bust a nut that I'd inadvertently answered the phone with a sultry voice. "Hey, babe. You know I've been thinking about you, right?"

Aya answered me in an equally sexy voice. "Yes hunny, I know. I know that I make your dick hard all the time. If you could just see me lick my lips... Just imagine. Imagine my slick little tongue all over your dick, Kuai Liang..."

Oh, dear Gods...

A growl reverberated from my throat as I felt my light blue jeans getting tight near my crotch. Just hearing Aya talk in that silky voice was enough to make me go haywire.

Recently, Aya and I had made love for the first time, after having been together for about a good several months or so. It wasn't my first time with a woman, as I'd been with several in the past.

However, I was Aya's first, and she knew that I'd had trouble maintaining a stable relationship because of how sleazy women here in Earthrealm usually were.

But, if there was one true thing about Edenians...

...It was that the women are loyal. Once they fall in love with you, you become a permanent part of them. They'll always want to be by your side, no matter what.

The first time I'd had sex with Aya, it was in the mess hall. She'd snuck to the temple, despite her mother's orders, and we got down to business right there on one of the tables. It would have been great had Cyrax not walked in right when I was finishing Aya off...

Still, to this day, Tyrone's lame ass never let me live it down. It's a good thing no one else knows about it, though. My brother and Smoke himself would shit on me for the rest of my life if they ever learned about that...

I looked down at the bulge beneath my jeans and bit my lip. Even though we'd finally gotten the chance to become one, we were both always hot and horny all the time for each other.

Kuai Liang... Calm down. Control your urges. Even though you've just scored an Edenian, you're a grown ass man. You need to control yourself... You're NOT Bi-Han!

Before I was even able to open my mouth, dumb ass Bi-Han barged into the room. His eyes were wide open. It was as though he'd shot lines of crack in his veins.

And Cryomancers can't fuck around with coke, as the drug causes more harm to our bloodstreams than what it does to a normal human being.

But the way Sub-Zero was grinning at me... I couldn't help but wonder if he smoked that fat bag of weed.

My brother was still trying to get my attention, while I tried very hard to focus on Aya (whom was moaning my name out loud while pleasuring herself) instead.

After so many failed attempts, I turned to face Bi-Han with an exasperated expression.

I was pissed now. The cock-blocking faggot brother of mine was going to get told. And he did. "Bi-Han... WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!?"

The fucker acted as though I'd never yelled at him. "Kuai Liang! Do you wanna play truth or dare?"

I smacked my forehead with my phone, while my girlfriend still moaned in the background. I lobbed an ice ball at my brother as a last resort, which he had easily dodged. "Fuck you, asshole. Can I ever jack off without you coming in here to cock-block me?"

My brother smirked as his blue eyes gleamed with manic joy. "Tell Aya to come over so we can play some X-Rated truth or dare. I would love Aya to do things to-"

Smacking my palm against my throbbing forehead harder this time, I yelled out in anger. "By the Gods, Bi-Han! Don't you have Pílar? Play truth or dare with her!"

Sub-Zero needs to just die already...

"Nooooooooooo!" my annoying ass brother cried. "It will not be fun enough with just her."

I rolled my eyes. "Why the hell not?"

"Cause..."

"'Cause what?"

"Because..." Bi-Han now stared blankly at the floor.

Now I was getting even angrier. "Ugh... Because what?"

"Well...?"

Readying another ice attack, I screamed in pure rage. "BI-HAN! What the fuck! Answer the damn question!"

"Fine! Fuck you, too!" my brother pouted.

I sighed and shook my head in slight agitation; Aya was still on the line, pleasuring herself into oblivion. I bet she didn't even know that my brother was bugging me, because she was moaning so damn loud.

But my brother's obvious boredom reminded me...

"Bi-Han, where is the weed? Aren't you going to pull a prank on Sektor and Cyrax today?"

My older brother looked on in question for a second. It wasn't too long (thank Raiden!) before it dawned on him. A mischievous twinkle flashed through his eyes as he remembered his April Fool's prank.

Then I saw his lips curl up into an evil grin.

He giggled quietly, before sneaking out of my room. I watched him close the door as I shook my head again. Aya was still moaning out my name, and I was glad to finally be able to have my nice morning wank.

I was more surprised that Bi-Han hadn't noticed my hard-on when he popped into my room out of nowhere. Smirking, I listened to my girlfriend scream out in her passionate ardor as my large hand reached down toward my clothed boner. I panted lightly upon grasping the zipper, pulling it down as my erection was set free. The tip of it glistened with pre-cum as I knew I was ready to satisfy myself by hearing my sweet Aya moan for me.

But it was too late!

Fucking Bi-Han...

"Mmm, Tundra? I have to get off the phone. Mother has summoned me," Aya said quietly. A small tone of regret was evident in her voice.

I frowned in annoyance as she said, "I love you, sweety. Talk to you later."

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! Why does this chick have to get off now! Does she not know that I am horny and my balls are tight? FUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK! This is all due to that damn Bi-Han! As usual... that motherfucking cock-blocker. Shit, man! I want SEX!

Sighing, I told my girlfriend that I loved her and that I would see her soon. I hung up, before slamming my head down onto the huge pillow. An exasperated sigh left my lips as I stared up at the ceiling in slight disgust.

I swear to God... Bi-Han! I will get you someday! I said in my mind, raising my fist in the air.

My blue eyes fixated on my hand for a second, before they wandered right back to my hard manhood. I shrugged my shoulders and let my hand pass over my erection.

Might as well put it to good use...


-Meanwhile, in the Grandmaster's office-

(Sub-Zero's P.O.V)

I swore I had a mean grin plastered onto my face, it was a damn good thing that Tundra reminded me of my plot. And April Fool's Day was the best day for me to put my scheme into action.

But, to be honest, I'd always believed that the holiday shouldn't be called "April Fool's Day."

What would it be called if not that?

Simple, bitches! "Bi-Han Fool's Day."

Why, you ask? Simple, I just thought it should! HAHA!

The Grandmaster's office was usually always closed whenever it was vacant. But, for some reason, the doors were open.

My eyes widened as a very devious idea came into mind. I knew that I wanted to pull the ultimate prank on Xiang and Tyrone.

I had to get back at them for stealing my underwear.

And they weren't average underwear, either.

These underwear happened to be thongs in different colors. Pink, purple, yellow... You name it; I owned it.

My favorite pair were the ones with a cat's face and glitter on the pouch area where my groin was supposed to be. Above the face, it had the slogan, "Scratch me! I'm frisky!"

I know you're wondering if I'm really on the down-low.

BUT!

I'm not! I just love myself a lot, that's all!

Thongs are an amazing way to accentuate one's handsomeness here in the Lin Kuei and trust me... I'm handsome! I just loved making Tundra and Smoke jealous of my perky ass!

Oh wait...

Dammit! Tomas has a sexy ass already! Aw, man! Fuck it...

Anyway, I had the large bag of marijuana that I was about to open in my hand. I carefully pulled the bag apart, careful to not inhale it. Being a Cryomancer meant a bunch of shit.

No drugs, especially cocaine. That shit could kill myself or Tundra instantly, because the chemicals were so strong that it could literally freeze our bloodstreams. I knew this because I'd seen some show on TV about my ancestors and how certain chemicals affected us.

But, I don't give a fuck. I'm Bi-Han, and you know what I say?

YOLO, BITCH.

Anyway, the weed's strong scent rushed through my nostrils, and I had to be careful with that; I didn't want to die.

I grinned again as my eyes caught sight of the Grandmaster's large steel desk with important documents topped off with a coffee mug. My neck craned to the right, ensuring that nobody was around.

Usually, the Grandmaster's office was heavily guarded by two of the Elites. When I noticed that neither guard stood on either side of the entryway, I had finally decided that it was time put my plan into action.

I silently walked over to the Grandmaster's desk with a smirk tugging on my lips. Sighing, I sat down on the black, leather chair. I took in my surroundings carefully, before I spotted a book. The Grandmaster's real name had been exquisitely embossed across the center of the front cover. I smirked in delight once more, as I traced my fingers over the intricate gold lettering.

Kai Murimoto.

I smirked to myself, knowing that the grandmaster was also Sektor's older brother. This motherfucker had the temper of a pregnant woman.

And to be real, I sometimes wondered if Kai was a tranny. Shit, the fucker looked weird as hell... With that Albert Einstein get-up...

Well, his hair looked like Einstein's...

The Grandmaster... None of us liked him. We would always say to Xiang that he and his master needed to get laid. I mean, shit. Sektor and Kai never seemed able to get a date with women. Let alone score a nice piece of scrumptious, womanly ass.

BECAUSE THE GRANDMASTER WAS GAY!

Kai, especially. He always did this incredulous flirting with any attractive woman he encountered. And the vast majority of the Lin Kuei are no better than him. Grandmaster was almost as much of a douchebag as Johnny Cage, but everyone around here knew that I am THE douchebag!

Douchebag. With a capital D.

Remember that, bitches!

I will always be number one at everything here, for my name is Bi-Han and I. Am. A MAAAAANNNNNN!

Also, Grandmaster loved money. Not as much as I did, of course, but still. He had a vault here that I could just break open... that I could just BREAK OPEN!

Another idea made its way into my already fucked up mind.

Oh, this was gonna be good.

My sky blue orbs darted back and forth from the vault to the desk. I grabbed a hold of the important papers on top of Kai's desk with a devious grin, scattering them all over the office floor. I left a few stray sheets of paper on his desktop before finally grabbing his golden coffee mug. It actually had coffee inside of it.

Stifling the urge to burst into hysterical laughter, I froze my mouth shut with my powers. It felt icy cold, but it wasn't much of a deal. Besides, I figured everyone could use a break from hearing me speak.

At least for now.

Now, I poured the coffee all over his office floor. The hardwood, cherry floor happened to be adorned with a fresh, crème-colored carpet. I sported an evil smile as I watched the contents from the mug splash onto the carpet, coloring it brown. And I slammed the coffee mug onto the steel desk, making the edge of it break and fall onto the floor.

Now was the best part: I grabbed the bag of marijuana, sprinkling the dried up cannabis leaves all over the desk and floor. I decided to leave just enough to create a blunt for later use.

Part two of my prank: My arms outstretched, I grinned beneath my ice mask, watching as my own powers flowed through my palms. My eyes gleamed with pure evil once the door to the money vault had been completely encased in ice. Using my other hand to punch a hole into door, I grunted in approval as it revealed numerous loads of money, coins, and fine jewelry.

Snickering wildly, I grabbed a handful of money. I ran out of the office, with the marijuana and money leaving a trail behind me. I was so excited to get some money, man...

But then the rest of my plan came into my mind.

I crept slowly to Sektor's chamber, which were a few doors down from his brother's office. I heard very loud snoring coming from the room as my smile broadened even more. I froze my lips shut once again, because the ice guard had now melted, judging by how it was easy for me to smile again.

Quietly, I opened the door to Xiang's room. As I looked around in awe at the lavish room, I inwardly growled in envy. His chamber was huge; much, much bigger than those belonging to every other warrior's.

This faggot's bedroom was even more monstrous in size than my own.

Bastard! Why couldn't I receive the royal treatment!? I mean, our bedrooms were actually pretty luxurious for being Lin Kuei warriors, but this was just different. I figured that there were perks to being related to the Grandmaster.

Rolling my eyes at the thought, I placed the money and jewelry down on the floor. I stood around, making sure Sektor didn't stir.

Once certain that the bastard was literally out cold, I smirked inwardly once again, taking out some of the weed remnants from the plastic bag it had originally come in. I gathered the leaves into a tiny bundle, smirking madly as I created a single roll. I used the tip of my index finger to slightly freeze the drug, thus creating a joint.

This was too damn good...

Now, since Sektor had still been sleeping, I looked over to see his peacefully sleeping form. I was trying so hard to keep silent. One noise would mean my demise. As I held the drug in my hand, I leisurely walked up to him and saw his mouth wide open. He'd been lying in his bed like this for hours. Sleeping and snoring.

The nerve of this man... Taking my panties when I needed them to impress the other Lin Kuei members. These men needed to be inspired to look as good as me!

This was awesome. I was so damn proud about my awesomeness shining through as I quickly placed the blunt into Sektor's retracting mouth. Smirking like a wild man, I quickly moved away from Sektor and looked to my direct left, noticing Cyrax dead asleep on the floor besides his buddy's bed.

Perfect... Now I could hit Cyrax for taking my panties, too. Didn't he have the lime green one?

I walked over to the Botswana male, careful to not wake him. I knew he was a light sleeper, so I had to make this as quick as possible. Taking out the last remaining bits of weed, I placed it on top of Cyrax's nose. I gently grasped onto the ends of his cornrows with my fingertips, pulling his head back, which in turn caused his mouth to open. I couldn't help but grin as I placed the bits of marijuana on the tip of Cyrax's thick ass tongue.

Nigga probably didn't get any pussy, though... He had that virgin tongue. But this was going to be soooo good!

I watched as Cyrax closed his mouth, involuntarily chewing the mind-altering drug.

MUAHAHAHAAAAA! SUCCESS!

Now, the funny part of my prank was gonna go down. Grinning wildly, I found it pretty hard to keep quiet while I laid out several dollar bills over Sektor's floor and placed a silver crown on Cyrax's head. My grin was so outstretched across the lower half of my face that it was hurting, but I didn't care. I'd even decided to place a bead necklace along with some giant hoop earrings on Sektor's already pierced ears.

I moved away from the man as I gathered the rest of the money and fine jewels I had taken from the Grandmaster. Silently creeping out of the lavish chamber, careful not to laugh, I giggled lightly to myself as I noticed the apparent trail of marijuana and paper dollars from the Grandmaster's office.

Hmmm... I was even thinking about making Kuai Liang and Tomas jealous for some money! Oh goody!

But the fun shit was about to go down in T minus 10...


A/N: Well, I deleted the original since the chapters were too long. As such, I'm splitting them all up into smaller sections and uploading each one as a separate chapter. Just thought I'd make things easier for you guys; after all, reading extremely long stuff online isn't good for eyesight, so I kept my readers in mind!

Also, before I start getting hateful reviews about how OOC the characters in this story are, I'm going to inform you right now that myself and DaPrincess007 know that. It is a crack-fic, and that means anything goes. So if there's a problem with Sub-Zero (Bi-Han), don't come to me complaining about him. The idea to make Bi-Han metrosexual and severely bipolar was DaPrincess007's, so take any concerns up with her. I've already had my troll talking shit about this fic when it was still up on the archive, so that's why I'm saying this.

Once again, reviews and suggestions are always welcome!