I contemplated doing this one for TRC having an AU where Fai and Kurogane were married and Fai has Kurogane wrapped around his little finger but unbidden the image of Yuuko came into my head along with a rather overworked Watanuki (and then I started laughing which caused my husband and roommate to stare at me like I had grown a second head). So I set the story up along those lines. I haven't modified the lyrics to my own use except where it says rule within because when I went searching for the lyrics it just gave me question marks so I had to rely on what I hear in the song. The word wife should not be taken literally unless you are of the joking type in which case all the power to you. I also recommend hearing the song unless your not a big fan of Celtic -jig-Newfoundlander music. By the way I am just guessing that Watanuki is living at the store now in the manga cause they don't have any more shots of his home and he keeps waking up in a bed I can only envy.

Disclaimer – I don't own them and Watanuki keeps hiding from me cause if Yuuko caught him it wouldn't be pretty

"Scolding Wife"

(Or the ballad of the indentured servant to Yuuko)

(Cause we all know Watanuki is whipped)

Well I came into a scolding wife a few short years ago
And ever since I lead a life of misery and woe
My wife she is a tyrant around the rule within(1)
Ah I'd sell her to the devil for a glass or two of gin

Sometimes Watanuki had to wonder why he put up with Yuuko's drunken antics. Until of course he had to go home after work then he wondered why his wish couldn't be granted faster. He had been working for the Space Time Witch for about 2 years now and still had yet to have his wish granted 'Surely no wish can cost this much time' the thought came unbidden to his mind (conveniently forgetting the fact that Sayoran sacrificed much more then 2 years of his life in a glass tube of sorts in order to keep him from disappearing), as most thoughts of that kind appeared he ground nearly to a halt at the thought of working for the rest of his natural life for the conniving woman. The thought of numerous and possibly life threatening situations in which Doumeki was his protector also gave him pause and a mental wince however it would certainly pay the wish faster the witch said.

As Watanuki went to work the following day he continued musing on how long he would actually have to work for Yuuko before his spirit plagued life would revert back to a semblance of outward normalcy that he had never had. As if picking up on his thoughts when he walked into the shop Yuuko was waiting for him eyes half lidded voice somber saying

"Normal doesn't exist Watanuki."

Watanuki could only stare at her completely confused at both her mood and the statement that had just come his way

"Why do you say that Yuuko-san?"

"Because normal is based on outside influences from each individual. Consider how someone in your position may react to not having spirits or the connections you've forged with Doumeki or Himawari-chan."

"But that would be normal Yuuko-san." Watanuki said exasperated at having this more than slightly convoluted conversation with Yuuko

"Would it I wonder? To you perhaps but to someone else that type of life may be indescribably dull. Now I want Sake and lots of it." Yuuko's voice went back to the happy-go-lucky state that he has come to associate with her near constant inebriation.

Watanuki could only hang his head as he went to the kitchen both confused and exasperated

Sure I'll get up and go to work as mild as any man
And she'll get up and dress herself and go and have her dram
And I chance to say a word it's well I know my due
She'll follow me with the fire shovel up and down the room

And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang meself if I get married again
And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
Though I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

Between his boss' strange moods as of late and the near-constant want for anything alcoholic Watanuki was feeling a little ill-used so school and consequently dealing with Doumeki was at the bottom of a rather long list of things to do. However he couldn't put off the inevitable and exams were coming up so he had to grin and bear it. 'Though' he thought 'if I have to keep on grinning like this I think my proverbial cheeks will fall off'.

"Oi" Doumeki's voice penetrated his thoughts like a foghorn

"What?" Watanuki's curt reply emphasized to anyone within a 40 foot radius with an iota of intelligence to leave him alone

"Why are you so moody lately?" and apparently Doumeki wasn't one of those people

"You mean aside form Yuuko-san's outrageous demands of alcohol and increasingly hard to make foods the manjuu and the girl's antics and Mugetsu's need for affection?"

"Yes aside from that." Gold eyes drilled into Watanuki's bi-colored eyes

"That's it really." Watanuki said and turned his head

a sigh reached Watanuki's ears and he turned his head to see Doumeki's retreating back

"Ask her for a day off then" Doumeki started walking away back to class "And if you get it I want California rolls for lunch tomorrow"

"I DO NOT TAKE ORDERS!!!" Bellowed Watanuki form where he stood


When I get up at breakfast time she'll tap me on the head
When I come home at dinner time I'll find her drunk in bed
When I come home at supper time at patience I must stop
'Cause she drinks what's in the teapot and I must drink the slop


And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang meself if I get married again
And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
Though I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

As the situation regarding Watanuki deepened he was forced to move into Yuuko's home which made the restraints on his sanity, questionable at best, practically snap with Yuuko wanting such things as Beer for breakfast. 'It's a wonder the woman's liver hasn't imploded with all the liqueur she drinks hell I think if she had an IV with a direct infusion of Sake the world would be a better place-' His thoughts were cut off by Yuuko who had come up behind him while he was cooking and said, her tone distinctly amused

"Yes I could do that but it would leave an unsightly marking on my arm and I much prefer adding alcohol to my system the old fashioned way."

Watanuki jumped and nearly burned himself on the stove in his flailing. Yuuko 'tsked' at him disapprovingly

"Though I admire your paranoia and the flailing is really an impressive feat of gymnastics in a closed space don't you think that's it's a tad overmuch?"

"With you Yuuko-san anything is possible I prefer to keep my guard up."

"So you think you will be attacked while you are here?"

"Not exactly but between you the manjuu, the girls and Mugetsu its better to be safe then sorry." Watanuki said and suddenly was smacked on the top of his head by Yuuko's fan.

"I let you live here have you make my food do my chores all in order to grant your wish and you think I'll attack you?" Yuuko sniffled

"You just did!" cried an outraged Watanuki clutching his head

"Nonsense that was merely a tap to get the brain stimulated."

"I classify that as attacking!" huffed Watanuki

"Better finish making those bento's or your going to be late for school" chirped Yuuko as she traipsed out of the kitchen "oh and I have left money for you to get me the ingredients and the list for tonight's dinner and refreshments as well as plenty of wine." Continued Yuuko seemingly oblivious to Watanuki's moan.

Well once I asked me scolding wife if I could go to bed
She scare gave me an hour on the pillow to lay me head
When like a roarin' lion she came bustin' down the door
She caught me by the middle and threw me naked on the floor


And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang meself if I get married again
And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
Though I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

He was exhausted by the time he came back to the place he now called home between dodging spirits and shopping he all but collapsed on the front step.

"Nuki-chan is home"

"Yay Nunki-niisan is home." Began Maru and Moro.

After Watanuki took off his shoes and hoisted the heavy bags up and around his shoulders he had to make his way carefully to the kitchen without breaking any of the fragile bottles inside the bags or tripping over the girls. He almost had a spaz blowout when Mugetsu practically choked him and it was with much relief that he got his items to the kitchen as well as himself in one piece. After making supper for Yuuko and himself and setting up the required bento for Doumeki cause he did indeed get the evening off in a way because all he had to was make supper for the two of them so in all fairness he made the California rolls 'because I have the ingredients on hand' the thought to himself unwilling to admit even now that the archer was right. He went to bed in preparation to be able to sleep in somewhat and was woken up scarcely 3 hours later by Yuuko stating that he had to do an emergency job (which happened to be just a liquor run) by the time he had went to the store and come back Yuuko was asleep and he was wide awake and fuming.


Now me and my companions go to a public place
She'll search around the neighborhood until she finds my face
She'll hoist me up in ridicule before the company
Sayin' 'Petticoats is your master and forever more shall be'

And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang meself if I get married again
And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
Though I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

He was in foul spirits (pun not intended) when he finally dragged his way to school the next day. He barely was able to muster enough energy to properly greet Himawari-chan and since greeting Doumeki required no energy at all he didn't, which prompted a

"Are you sure you slept all right?" out of Doumeki

"No." was the curt reply

"what happened?"

"Yuuko-san dragged me out of bed at 2 in the morning for a damn booze run and when I get back after doing the damn thing she WASNT EVEN AWAKE!!"

Unable to contain his anger anymore he ranted all the way to his class prompting Himawari to laugh at his antics.

When school let out later that day it was with much trepidation that he made his way back to the shop so instead he cut around though the park sitting on the swings trying to relax but not fall asleep. Also ignoring the spirits he felt more then saw them leave as he heard familiar footsteps come up behind him.

"Shouldn't you be at the shop?" Asked Doumeki form behind Watanuki

"Shouldn't you be minding your own business?" Countered Watanuki but with no real heat

"I saw you take a different way so I wanted to make sure that you weren't about to be attacked."

"I'm fine you can go anytime now"

"Your not fine and your being careless again."

"And you care because?"

"Who else makes me lunch" Watanuki heard the smirk in Doumeki's voice

"Gee thanks for making me feel so appreciated." Watanuki said scathingly back to Doumeki

"Oh but you are appreciated Watanuki" Said an all too familiar voice behind Watanuki suddenly

"Yuuko-san" said Watanuki startled at her sudden presence

"I was worried because you hadn't come back yet" Yuuko continued

"Yuuko-san" Watanuki said proverbial stars in his eyes

"Who would make me dinner if I had found out you had been attacked?" She continued oblivious to Watanuki's spectacular nosedive off the swings. Watanuki got up and dusted himself off and started back to the shop arguing with Doumeki about the bento he was going to make tomorrow "Because Doumeki was kind enough to stay with you when it was getting dark" Yuuko had quipped and not for the last time he wondered how long he was going to be the indentured servant to both Yuuko and Doumeki.

And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang meself if I get married again
And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
Though I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to God I'll hang meself if I get married again
And if the devil'd take her I'd thank him for his pain
Though I swear to God I'll hang myself if I get married again

"By the way Watanuki" Yuuko said as they were entering the shop

"yes Yuuko-san?"

"I want BOTH wine and sake for dinner tonight." She started laughing as she preceded Watanuki into the store

"YUUKO-SANNN" wailed Watanuki