COMPLETE
The water was so cold. Freezing, just like his touch. She missed him. The swirling waters were making it difficult for her to find her center. It was like gravity didn't exist anymore and up and down were mere figments of an old imagination. At first she panicked, her lungs and throat were burning in her need and desire for oxygen, but the constant violent movement of the waves around didn't allow her to compose herself long enough to look for the surface.
She was dying. She didn't want to die. Not without seeing him one more time. Him. Her Edward. His name didn't hurt anymore. It seemed that, now that she was finally going to die, the blindfold in her heart was lifted and she saw all that she couldn't see before. He loved her. He lover her so much, her death would his too. His words took new meanings, his looks instead of empty became pained. The voice that talked to her, that kept her well. All her memories were revealing themselves to her as what they were meant to be, and not what she thought of them in her most fatal mistake. She longed for Edward. To apologize for not trusting him. To hold, to kiss him. To make sure he was safe.
Safe.
No! If she died, he would be dead too. He would seek the Volturi, he would make sure they killed him. I had to live. Even if it was just to keep him safe. With this new motivation, strength returned to her weak body, forcing herself to push forward, looking for air to keep herself alive.
Finally she broke the surface and took a huge gulp of air.
He loved me.
He loved her, and she loved him. Determination coursed through she and she swam across the storm to the shore. Jake was looking franticly for her. He pulled her out as soon as he saw her bobbing form, and hugged her tightly. Letting his warm body comfort her shaking limbs. He kept repeating: "I'm so sorry, we shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry." Over and over again. As she regained any semblance of calm, she pulled out of his embrace and looked at him.
"Jacob, look at me," he did, but he didn't really see her, still shuddering with tears in his eyes. "Jake, don't be sorry," she put one hand on his cheek, "I'm not. I'm happy, Jake. Oh! So happy! I was so blind, you see."
He looked at her weirdly, she certainly wasn't acting like someone who just had a near death experience. She looked to the sea, at the raging storm. While the maelstrom continued all around them, all she could feel was peace. She finally felt complete again. After half a year of feeling empty. After half a year in which more than her other half, her whole self was missing, she was complete. It was as if she'd never had the black hole in her soul. She turned back to him.
"He loves me, Jacob, and I was too blind to realize it, too self-absorbed, too selfish. I couldn't see it. But now... he really does love me, Jacob. It all makes sense. Why they left, why he didn't want me to follow. He thought I would be safer. He really does love me," As she said the last words, it finally came to her that they were true. She laughed freely. Warm despite the cutting wind and pleasantly cool despite Jacob's body.
Jacob looked sad, but he understood, she knew he did.
She couldn't say it enough, "He loves me, Jacob, and I love him so much. He will come back to me, I know. When he does, I'll be waiting."
Life had passed. Miserable as my existence had been without her, it had moved on. I had stopped the threats that kept her unsafe. I killed Victoria, after years and years of tracking. I kept away, imagining how her life would be. Would she have a family? A husband, children, grandchildren? I always imagined that she had had many children. Enough of them so that she could received the proper amount of love she deserved. And as much as it pained me, I imagined her deathbed, something simple. With all her family around her, all the love, as her frail heart finally gave away, and she passed away with a smile on her face.
That she had been happy. That she had loved again. That was what kept me going. I couldn't go back and risk her life again. Her sanity, and mine, were all dependent on the fact that I had to keep away. A hundred years had passed since I had last seen her, and finally, we were coming back.
We arrived at the old Victorian Mansion, its sight made my dead heart leap in hope. But it was vanished as soon as it came. She was dead now, I only came to say my final goodbyes to her and my family, before going to Italy. I couldn't live without her anymore. It was too much. Too much pain, too much suffering. Misery had been my constant companion, but no more.
My family looked at the house, and then looked at me. There had been anger when we left. Anger and pain and resentment. We had fought, violently. Alice and Emmett had been the most ardent in their arguments. In the end, I had won, but there was still a small part of me that wished I hadn't. We entered the old house and the memories buried me. Memories of a happier time. I fervently wished she hadn't believed me. It was, naturally, my fault that I was in such pain; but a small part of me felt resentful that she had forgotten my love so quickly. I waved the part away, and locked it safely in the corners of my mind. She wasn't to blame. For any of it.
After settling in, my room was exactly the way it had been then. But like in the other houses we had lived since, it felt empty. She wasn't here. I had hoped that, maybe, her lingering presence in the house would make me feel a little more complete. It hadn't.
It felt so empty.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave the house and think. It was still too much.
I went to our meadow. A place that had been mine, before it had been ours. My place to think. I needed to be at peace.
So I ran, enjoying the feel of the wind, catching the stray ray of sunlight through the trees. Thinking how beautiful it all was, but how none of it could compare to her. How much she would have loved to see it all through my eyes. As I came closer to my goal; a strange, familiar smell assaulted my senses. I knew the scent, but I also knew it couldn't be. I ran harder. I had to see catch this enchantment before it faded, to smell it longer, to feel the burn in my throat. The burn, that until now had been painful, was joyful. Hope filled me. She was here, but she couldn't be. Death was part of human's life. As the sun broke through the trees ahead of me, I slowed down.
I could hear a heart thumping slowly, peaceful.
It wasn't real, it was just God tempting me, torturing me. I had tried to atone for my sins, but it was obvious that it wasn't enough. This was my special brand of hell. Heaven and hell all together.
I closed my eyes, I couldn't see. I took a deep breath, letting her scent fill me completely. This wasn't hell, but it wasn't heaven either. Not when she couldn't be with me. I could hear the heart beating. Calm.
I heard her voice sigh, "Edward." It was more beautiful than anything I remembered. My name in her lips. I had to be real. Please God let this be real. I opened my eyes.
She was there. More amazing than anything I could have remembered, even with my senses. Her back was to me, sitting on top of a fallen log. Her flowing hair glinted in the sunshine. Reds, golds, purples, and browns converged in her head. It had always amazed me. So many colors that she couldn't see. They made her all the more beautiful. She was wearing a white long, sleeveless gown. Her pale arms looking as young and strong as they had when she was young. But surely couldn't be. She had to be at least 118 years old. Medicine had advanced, it kept youth and age at bay, but this was preposterous.
Still, I couldn't keep it to myself anymore, as I breathed her scent, I let out her name, "Bella."
She turned, quickly, like a scared rabbit, at the sound of her name. She was everything I had remembered and more. She was more than I could have imagined. She was still young. Not a day older than the way I remembered her last. It was too much. She was here. I felt complete.
She smiled.
"Edward." Her smile was everything. It lit up her brown eyes and her pulse accelerated. She was still human. I came closer, only inches away now. I couldn't hear, smell, see, or feel anything else but her. She really was here. Slowly, I pulled her into my arms, afraid she would disappear. She closed the space and kissed my lips softly but full of emotion. It was a chaste kiss, but I wanted more. As she pulled away ever so slightly, I held tighter and kissed her with all the passion and love and regret I could muster. She deepened the kiss, reciprocating the feelings.
This was my paradise.
As we pulled away to let her breathe, she looked deeply into my eyes, all the love and forgiveness shining out of them. She forgave me. She forgave this stupid old monster. She still loved me, of that I was sure. I found heaven in her eyes.
"Edward," she said softly, "I missed you."
I wanted to say "I missed you, too". So much that I couldn't breath, I wanted to say so many things at the same time. To beg for her already given forgiveness, to express my devotion to her, to love her. But all the words got stuck in my throat as I tried to express the tangle of feelings.
She spoke again, in light teasing tone, with no amount of resentment, all love; "What took you so long?" she asked, but didn't let me continue, "I've been waiting."
With that, she took her lips to mine again and kissed me deeply. As we pulled back again, we gazed into each other eyes.
"Ho... how?" I tried to ask. She shook her head, she didn't know. And didn't care. I realized that I didn't either. It didn't matter. At last, I knew, I was home.
Finally, my heart seemed to breathe, I am complete.
A/N: So this is corny, and takes mushiness to a whole new level, but I like it. Quick vignette of what could have been. I tried to take parts of the realizations of both Bella and Edward in New Moon, I hope it's not too out of character. Just playing with words really.
Written to the sound of Rachmaninoff's Concerto No.3 in D Minor as performed by Vladimir Horowitz and the New York Philharmonic (directed by Eugene Ormandy) at the Carnegie Hall, in 1978.
Please let me know what you think of it, how do you think you could expand, what could be written differently, etc. Enjoy
