Arthur groans deeply and leans forward to rest his head on the cool panes of the window's glass in his chamber. He looks out at the cold, dark courtyard, clenching his fists over the window's pane.

He doesn't want to think about him. He won't think about him. And this is exactly why he can't stop thinking about him.

Arthur has been thinking about Merlin almost constantly, he is a continuous presence on his mind. It's hard for him to focus on council matters and the training of the knights when all Arthur can think about is Merlin.

He couldn't stop picturing his tearful eyes the last time he'd seen him, his face: filled with hurt, anger and disappointment. He couldn't stop thinking about his choked, broken voice.

MERLIN. MERLIN. MERLIN . It's all he ever seems able to think about.

Merlin, who didn't come back with Gwaine a month ago, after rescuing Gaius. Merlin who went away because couldn't bear the sight of Arthur. Merlin who left him, because Arthur betrayed his trust and loyalty. Merlin. Oh, Damn him.

He feels the familiar mix of anger and guilt stirring inside him, overriding the nagging numbness and emptiness which has been persistently there in his heart- since that wretched day.

And he couldn't stop his mind from replaying that scene over and over again.

Arthur had been dreading that moment. He had known that Merlin would react badly to the accusation of Gaius. He knew Merlin well enough to know that he wouldn't just let it go and accept it without a fight. He expected shouting and raging. And he hoped Merlin would be able to get over his anger and hurt and he'd understand.

But he's never thought of anything like this. Nothing like this.

And he's never thought to see Merlin like that. Never like that.


''Gaius is The Traitor.'' Aggravaine declared with emphasis in his voice.

Arthur sent a quick look at Merlin. He knew how much Merlin loved Gaius. He knew Merlin must be pissed like hell and knew how much it must have hurt Merlin to listen to Agravaine's accusations.

Merlin's face was tight, his jaw clenched with anger.

Arthur prayed for Merlin to keep his big mouth shut. Because on top of everything what happened that day, he didn't want to put Merlin into the stock for insolence. But thankfully, with his fist clenched behind his back, he seemed to keep a tight lid on his anger and didn't say a word. Not while Agravaine was present in the room.

'' I'll send out search parties as soon as possible.'' Agravaine offered enthusiastically.

''No. Let him run.'' Arthur said quickly. Because, even if Gaius was really a traitor, he couldn't bear the thought of executing him.

''As you wish sir.'' Agravaine answered with a bow and turned to leave the room.

As soon as Agraivane turned his back, Arthur's eyes darted towards Merlin and he kept his searching gaze on Merlin's face.

But Merlin refused to look at him. He stood there stock-still, his face static as his eyes were transfixed motionless on a point before him. Like the perfect, invisible servant he schould be, the one he's never been and the one Arthur's never wanted him to be.

It's foreign and there is something very... very wrong.

Arthur felt coldness sunk to the pit of his stomach that sent chills throughout his body and an irrational edge of panic flared inside him.

''How can you believe this?'' Merlin asked as soon as the door closed behind Agravaine.

Arthur was taken aback by the thick accusation, pain and disappointment in Merlin's voice. He swallowed hard as guilt griped his heart and he felt a lump forming in his throat.

He had to look away, he couldn't bear the sight of Merlin's pale, hurt face, the stiffness in his shoulders. His whole body rigid: taut with tension.

Arthur felt sick and something twisted in his gut as regret trickled through him.

Because he was the cause of that, he was the one who put Merlin in this misery.

He averted his eyes and dropped them down towards the table; he closed them for a moment and took a deep breath. When he looked up again, he focused his eyes on Merlin's face, and he couldn't quite manage to keep out the despair from his voice when he finally answered Merlin's question.

''I know how you must feel. We questioned him. He's been consorting with sorceress. He more or less admitted to it.''

'' And… that... makes him a traitor?'' Merlin asked with heated voice, his face hardened.

''Why run if he had nothing to hide?'' Arthur asked almost pleading and with a great deal of wretchedness in his expression. He desperately needed Merlin to understand the decision he had to make.

''He's given his life to this kingdom. He'd never betray you.'' Merlin pointed out , his face became paler with every second and it's very, very taut and hard and serious.

It doesn't look right on him.

Not on his Merlin….

And he is still not looking at him…

Arthur could feel Merlin slipping away from him, and he swallows down the knot that rose into his throat and tells himself that there's no reason for the dread that's started to slip into his chest. No reason at all. Merlin will understand. He is going to get over it. He is going to forgive Arthur as he always does. Because that was what they did for each other: forgave the liberties, the insults, the mockeries, the trespassing...every bloody fault in the other's character.

He will not lose Merlin.

His throat tightens, and his next words are forced through a constriction in his throat. ''Then explain his actions.''

And for the first time this evening Merlin turned his head at that, and he bored his red rimmed, unblinking, steely eyes into Arthur's. ''Aha,'' he snapped, his eyes watering and the ever resident light in his eyes for Arthur has been dimed out of them. His beautiful, dark blue eyes lifeless as he searching Arthur's face for a moment before he says vehemently. ''They are lies. Gaius'd never run of in the night.''

Arthur broke the eye contact and bowed his head . He squeezed his eyes shut on a hard wince as the sting of guilt returned.

He opened his mouth again, willing to say the words that will wipe away that look on Merlin's face. There was so much grief, pain, heartache, agony and anger in Merlin expression and is his voice that Arthur couldn't endure it… A desperate need surges through him, pushing inside of him to do anything to soothe Merlin, to chase away the pain .

Arthur gripped the arms of his chair tightly. He took in and out a long, steadying breath, trying to push back all the emotions which want to break free.

When he looked up again his eyes were filled with concern and sympathy, and there was an unguarded tenderness in his expression. But his tone belied the emotions on his face as he managed to school his voice into a distant, contained tone when he said.

''Look! I know it's hard. No breakings were reported. His possessions are missing. A horse has been stolen.'' Surely Merlin will see reason?

''He won't leave without saying goodbye to me!'' Merlin bursted out. His voice broke in the end, a small choking voice escaped his mouth, his lips quivered and his blue eyes shone with tears before he snapped his head away. Away from Arthur.

And Arthur felt as if he's been stabbed. He felt like his heart leaped into his throat and for seconds he couldn't breathe properly.

Merlin's crying. His lively, cheerful, happy Merlin is crying. And it's his fault. He made Merlin cry.

Arthur felt overwhelmed with the affection and love he feels for Merlin. He had a sudden, primal urge to cross over to him and take Merlin in his arms, he wanted to hold him and comfort him. He ached to touch and smooth away the tears on Merlin face. He wanted to kiss away the hurt on Merlin's delicate face until Merlin would smile again, and he would look at him with his beautiful, bright, private Arthurs's smile again. He wants give up his Kingdom and wants to lay the whole world at Merlins feet , if it would make Merlin smile again.

NO. NO. NO. Arthur's inner voice cut through the haze of his emotions because it terrifies him: the things he would do, just to see Merlin smile again. He clenched his fingers so hard it broke the skin- blood slipping in his palm- at how much he wants to – Oh, Dam it all to hell - just give in.

The want in his chest has been there for 9 years. He'd spent the last 9 years trying to ignore his feelings for Merlin. Actually, he's become very good at it. Because he knows if he would let his emotions for Merlin free, it would flood out from him and would destroy every reason which stood in its way.

It's not a path he can afford to travel. He has duties for Camelot. He needs to marry. Camelot needs an heir. Merlin is a man.

So, he pushes back all the emotions swirling inside him, because by now, he'd become quite an expert in this. He swallows them down in his throat, took in a few slow, deep breaths as he shifts his attention on Merlin's face again.

'' Agravaine has made this story up.'' Merlin cried, and he was severely overstepping his boundaries, but no longer seemed to care. His face was still turned away from Arthur; he was stubbornly looking toward the door.

Arthurs swallows, his voice is gentle and he sounds resigned in his reply. '' I shall ignore that last comment.''

''Because he is your uncle. You vill not see him for who he really is.'' Merlin snapped back with an equal measure of hurt, agony and anger in his voice.

''Merlin!'' Arthur shouted, his voice harsh and sharp like a whip. Because he was fucking frustrated and tired, and he felt wretched and Merlin was skirting dangerously close to cross the line.

Then he saw Merlin wince and swallow hard -as if Arthur'd struck him, and it was enough to temper Arthur's ire. His voice transformed rapidly from furious into something intense and serious and tender and he said softly. '' I've had my heart broken enough already today. I don't want to lose another friend.''

His hands came up and he made a gesture that fell somewhere between pleading and demanding.

He wants, No, he needs Merlin to look at him. He aches to reach His Merlin, to get through this cool, distant, taut and rigid person who stood there unmoving, unresponsive.

But Merlin didn't turn his head. He refused to look at him. Like he couldn't bear the sight of him. He could have been a statue, carved from stone and hurt and grief. A beautiful, cold…tearful statue.

Merlin's refusal stung. Merlin always believed in him. More than he deserved. More than he believed in himself. He could count on that belief.

Arthur couldn't take his eyes off Merlin. He was glaring at Merlin's stiff, too pale, stubborn face. The way he just stood there, perfectly frozen. He had never reacted to him like this before. Irritation mounts inside him mixing with resentment at Merlin's unmovig, rejective posture. The longer he looked and the longer Merlin kept his head turned away from him, the stronger the need to lash out grew inside him.

Something snapped in him.

Arthur was blindsided with the many conflicting emotions twisting inside his chest, wanting to burst out. He felt a rush of anger, all his pent up emotions during the night suddenly broke loose, a shimmering rage mounting inside him.

How dare he ignore him?! How dare he behave in such an insolent, withering manner?!How dare he question his decisions?! How dare he condemn him?

He is the bloody King of Camelot. Even if it means nothing to his fucking manservant.

His face hardened, his jaw tightened as his temple throbbed furiously. He narrowed his eyes and a tight, determined curl spread his lip lips as he stood up abruptly, straightening himself into the posture of a Regal dignity. A second later he was every bit the haughty, cool, unapprocable and businesslike King of Camelot again.

His eyes never left Merlin's face as he grabbed the book up from the table and with long, angry steps strode towards Merlin. His voice was distant and battlefilled- commanding while he showed the book up as the ultimate proof. ''Gaius's condemned himself.'' He slammed the book down hard on the table. ''It's no more to be said.'' He snapped with harsh, imperative and cold finality and stormed out of the room.

And it was the last time he saw Merlin.

Because Arthur betrayed him again, dismissed him again, stepped over him again.

And Arthur Misses him. He feels like half of his body have been torn out, and he doesn't know just how much longer he can go on without his other half...