Part Two of the memories lost, love found series
Rose watched at the Doctor moved around the medbay, hands flitting from one machine to the next, a study in constant motion. It was easy to tell that the Doctor was trying to distract herself from the situation at hand by staying busy, by running scans on the futuristic looking tech that occupied the room. Rose bit down on her bottom lip, nerves finally starting to creep up on her.
"So, this all looks a lot fancier than the NHS," Rose commented, trying to draw the other woman back into conversation. They had talked easily back in the other room, like they were the best friends the Doctor claimed they were despite Rose's distinct lack of memory. Every one of her instincts was screaming at her that the Doctor should not be this quiet and contained, that she shouldn't be so scared.
(Rose wasn't entirely sure how she knew the Doctor was scared but she was certain that it was the truth.)
"Bit more advanced than what they have available to them," she said, shooting Rose a wan smile.
"They telling you anything interesting?"
The Doctor let out a heavy sigh. "Nothing that I didn't already know. You've got a concussion but no further brain damage that should be causing this memory loss." She stared at Rose, mouth tight as the gears in her brain turned. "I supposed the Xilians could have had some sort of toxin on whatever they hit you with that's affecting your brain chemistry and blocking memories. They were rather cross with us."
"X-Xilians?" Rose asked, bewildered. "What are Xilians?"
She saw the panic flare in the Doctor's eyes before she tamped it down, replaced it with a neutral gaze. "Can we talk about it in just a bit? I want to finish these tests before we get into everything."
"You're making it sound like I'm not going to like what you have to tell me about the bits of my life I can't remember, Doctor," Rose said, hating the way her voice was starting to shake.
The Doctor stepped forward and put a hand over where Rose's were clasped in her lap. "I promise it's nothing bad, Rose. It's just going to be a lot to take in all at once and I'd much rather get into it over a cup of tea in the library rather than here."
"You have a library on a ship?"
"I have many things on my ship," she boasted. The Doctor squeezed Rose's hands and then stepped back, making a beeline for the machine bank she was working on.
"A library and a medbay straight out of Star Trek. You know how to impress a girl, Doctor."
"Years of practice," she replied smoothly. Rose spied a flush staining her cheeks though. "I'm going to need a blood sample to test for the toxins I mentioned earlier."
Rose made a face. "Not my favorite activity but get on with it."
She held out an arm and focused on the white wall to the left of her, not wanting to see the needle. To her surprise, she felt a prick on her fingertip and then the Doctor was moving away again.
"That was it?"
"That was it." The Doctor's eyes sparkled with mischief as she looked over the top of a screen at Rose. "Being a bit sci-fi has its advantages."
"Being a bit sci-fi has all the advantages," Rose agreed. "How long until we get a result?"
"Could be anywhere between thirty seconds from now to another hour." The monitor beeped right as she stopped talking and she raised an eyebrow at it. "Or right now."
The Doctor threw an inscrutable glance at the wall. "That was quick, dear," she muttered.
Rose got the distinct feeling that she was talking to her ship and couldn't manage to suppress the small smile that curled the corners of her mouth upwards. She did know how to pick them.
"So, what's it say, then?" Rose leaned forward.
"Just a preliminary result, I'm afraid. The more in-depth tests are still running." The Doctor's eyebrows were drawn together as she skimmed over the readings on the monitor.
"And?"
She let out a deep breath. "Looks like you were exposed to some sort of neurotoxin. It hasn't been isolated yet so I don't know what it is but I'm assuming that it is the cause of your memory loss."
"Is that good news or bad news for me?" Rose asked.
When the Doctor gave her a slightly puzzled look, she continued. "I mean, does the fact that my memories are gone because I was exposed to this toxin thing instead of because I was whacked over the head mean that it's more or less likely that I'll be able to get my memories back?"
"If you remember, you were also whacked over the head."
"Don't remember much of anything. Sorta the problem here."
"Can we go ahead and move to the library? It will be more comfortable and the TARDIS will let me know when the tests are complete." The Doctor said, moving towards Rose, presumably to help her down from the exam table.
"Stop trying to distract me! You didn't answer my question." Rose protested, crossing her arms across her chest.
The Doctor tugged at the ends of her hair in frustration. "I don't know the answer to your question, Rose! I don't know what the toxin is and I don't know why your memories are gone." She met Rose's eyes, her own sorrowful and scared. "I don't know how to fix it."
Rose bit down on her bottom lip, trying to ignore the way her heart was sinking towards her stomach at the Doctor's words.
"You seem like the type that likes a good problem, though, right?" she ventured after a moment.
"Not when the problem involves you," she responded softly.
Rose didn't have an answer to that so she just reached out a hand and waited for the Doctor to take it. There was no doubt in her mind that she would and within a second, the woman's long fingers slid into place between Rose's.
"Library?" the Doctor asked quietly. "I try to spend as little time in here as possible."
"Is there somewhere we can get that tea you mentioned, first?" Rose let the Doctor help her off the exam table this time. "I could really use a cuppa."
The Doctor cocked her head to the side like she was listening to something. "There will be tea waiting for us in the library," she said.
"And you know that how?" Rose asked as they stepped out into the impossibly long corridor. For the life of her, Rose couldn't figure out what kind of ship they were on.
"The TARDIS told me," she said simply. "Come on now, don't want it to get cold."
"You have so much explaining to do," Rose muttered.
The Doctor's mouth pressed into a tight line and Rose saw a muscle jump in her cheek. She could only hope that the tea and the library would soothe the Doctor enough that she would get a proper explanation of everything that was going on.
The library was a ways down the corridor and each door they passed gave Rose more questions but the moment the Doctor opened the door to the library, every single one of them flew out of her head.
The room was enormous with tall shelves extending further than Rose could make out. It was grand to be sure but not intimidating. Rose itched to run her fingers over the spines of the books and see what they were but the Doctor's fingers kept her anchored to her side.
"I forgot what it would be like to see this place for the first time again," she said with a wry smile. She tugged on her hand and led her to the left where there was a sitting area and a fire burning in the hearth. The pot of tea the Doctor had promised was sitting on the coffee table in front of the sofa along with two cups and a plate of nibbles.
"You have a library and a fire on a ship," Rose said, still slightly shocked.
"My ship is… slightly unusual," the Doctor hedged. She sat down on one end of the small sofa and pulled Rose down to sit next to her. "Tea?"
Rose nodded and the Doctor poured two cups of what smelled like earl grey. She quickly stirred sugar and a tiny splash of milk into one and squeezed a lemon wedge into the other. She picked up the first one and started to hand it to Rose before hesitating.
"Oh, I forgot to ask how you'd like it. I don't know if that's something that's changed with the memories."
"It's perfect," Rose insisted, taking the cup. She didn't remember taking it with milk but if that was a recent change then she was sure her taste buds would still approve.
The Doctor took the one with lemon for herself and took a sip. Rose followed suit and hummed when the tea hit her tongue. It really was good this way.
"Where do you want to start?" the Doctor asked, settling her cup on her thigh. She was tense still but getting out of the medbay had definitely helped her relax, Rose thought.
"How long have we been friends?"
"We've known each other for about two years and got along well from the start." The Doctor's expression turned thoughtful. "Can I ask a question?"
"Doesn't seem like you need my permission," Rose shot back with a smile.
The Doctor shook her head slightly, mouth curling up in a smile. "You're hopeless."
"Friends with me anyways, apparently."
"That I am."
"What's your question, Doctor?"
"What's the last thing you do remember?"
Rose leaned back against the arm of the sofa, searching her damaged memories. "Um, I remember being with my mum at the flat. I don't know when that was, it's like any other day, you know? Getting up, getting ready to go to work, that kind of stuff."
"Where do you work?"
"Henrik's. Do I work somewhere else now? I hope so, retail's not my favorite thing."
"That's where you worked when we met but you don't work there any longer, no. You left shortly after we met."
"So what do I do now?"
"You travel with me."
"Seriously? I don't have an actual job?"
"Well, if you don't want to count saving towns or civilizations from disaster on almost a daily basis as an actual job…then no you don't," the Doctor answered.
"That sounds a bit mad and like it doesn't help my mum pay the rent."
"It is a bit mad but we do always make sure Jackie has enough money to pay rent. You insisted upon it very early on."
"Good," Rose said, taking another sip of her tea.
The library was silent other than the crackling of the fire as she contemplated her next question.
"So you said your ship was unusual and it seems bigger than a ship should be," she started.
"Go ahead and ask your question, Rose," the Doctor said gently when Rose paused.
"What did you mean by unusual? And how is it going to let you know about the test results? And how was there already tea here? Is there someone else on board?" The questions bubbled out.
"The TARDIS, my ship, is sentient and telepathic so she will let me know about the test results and also provided the tea. She doesn't do that often but she's being indulgent today," she explained, hands fiddling with her half empty teacup.
"That's why you were talking to it, her, earlier? Back when I woke up and in the medbay?"
"Yes."
"Okay, I feel like I should be freaking out about a sentient ship but I'm really not," Rose said. Her eyebrows drew together in a puzzled expression. "It's like, I still know things somehow even though I don't remember knowing them? But when you say things like that, it just slots in like the knowledge is supposed to be there."
"Hopefully that means the actual memories are just waiting to slot back into place as well," the Doctor said.
"Yeah. So what else is unusual about the ship? Can't just be that she's sentient, she's still a lot bigger than what I normally associate with a ship."
"TARDIS stands for Time and Relative Dimensions in Space," the Doctor said. "Which in short terms means that she travels through time and space and is almost infinitely big inside even though the outside of the ship is small."
"You're kidding, yeah?"
"I'm not."
"We're on a spaceship? For real?"
"And a time machine. We can go anywhere in time and space."
Rose leveled an assessing gaze on the Doctor that was mostly ruined by her excited smile. "You're more than a little sci-fi."
The Doctor's laugh was full of relief. "I suppose so."
"So where did you come across a time machine, then?"
"You realize you're asking me more questions about myself than about the life you don't remember, right?"
"You said we were best friends and that we travel together so learning about you is kinda like learning about my life," Rose argued. "So, time machine, spill."
The Doctor took a deep breath. "My people grow them," she said softly, barely meeting Rose's eye.
"Your people?"
"I'm not human, Rose. I'm a Time Lady."
"Okay."
"Okay? You're just going to take that in stride too? You have no context for any of this and you're just going to accept it when I tell you I'm an alien?" She was incredulous.
"Told you it feels like I already know all of this. And I'm assuming I knew all of this before I lost my memories and was fine with it so, if I can't trust myself, then who can I trust? Besides the whole time machine and alien thing explains the equipment in the medbay and all of this," she waved a hand at the library around them."
"You're amazing, you know," the Doctor said. Her blue eyes were twinkling as she smiled at Rose.
Rose just smiled and sipped her tea.
"What do we do if you don't get your memories back?" The Doctor asked. "There's no guarantee that finding out what this toxin in your system is will help me fix any of this."
"Would telepathy help anything?" Rose mused. She took in the Doctor's shocked expression and hurried to continue. "You said a minute ago that your ship was telepathic and it just seemed like maybe it could help unlock the memories? Is that wrong?"
"No, but I wouldn't suggest it except as a last attempt."
"Why?"
"Going into someone's mind like that is incredibly intimate," the Doctor said, voice caressing the last word.
"Even for your ship?" Rose asked, confused.
"The TARDIS doesn't have the finesse to perform something like a memory retrieval. It would have to be me," she explained.
"You're telepathic too?"
"A touch telepath, to be specific."
Rose bit her lip and ducked her head. "I don't think I'd mind."
"Rose, you don't even know me right now," the Doctor said slowly.
"Not consciously, no. But for some reason I can still read your facial expressions and body language like I have years of practice and talking to you feels easier than anything even though this conversation should be like pulling teeth because I don't remember you. Then there's the fact that I keep reaching for your hand like it's a habit and you haven't said otherwise or reacted like it's strange so I assume that it really is. Somehow I still know you even though I don't remember you."
The Doctor looked down at her hands almost bewildered, like they had betrayed her somehow. "I didn't even realize," she whispered. Then she looked up and locked her gaze with Rose. "You are constantly surprising me, Rose Tyler."
"I'm good for that. And I doubt that I would complain about you getting into my head even when I did have all of my memories. Some things just don't change."
"We could still maybe fix this with the right antitoxin and the some time," she argued.
"Do you really think that's going to work?"
The Doctor mutely shook her head after a few moments.
Rose leaned over to set her cup back on the table and then faced the Doctor again. "So, tell me Doctor, do you have any hesitation about trying to bring my memories back by using your telepathy?"
"You don't really know what you're asking, Rose. You can't give informed consent to this when you don't know." The Doctor's normally smooth voice sounded a bit hoarse.
"Then explain it to me! Or is it the intimacy that you're opposed to?" Rose stuck her chin out stubbornly. There was something freeing about facing this situation without all of the baggage of her memories and their years of friendship to complicate the issue and make her hesitate.
"It's not that," the Doctor insisted.
"You said we were best friends," Rose said quietly.
"I meant it. We are."
"Why does it feel like that doesn't quite cover it? Are we more than that?"
The Doctor shook her head again but Rose spotted the blush tinting her cheeks.
"But do we want to be more than that?"
"I can't answer for what you want when you have all of your memories, Rose."
"But I didn't lose my emotions and they still remember the last two years and they're telling me that being closer to you, being intimate in any way is more than welcome." Rose reached out and put a hand on the Doctor's knee. "I'm not going to pressure you into trying this, I just want you to know that it's an option, I guess. That you don't have to be scared of asking to do it just because it means it might push us over the edge to something more."
"I'm going to be scared no matter what," the Doctor admitted, letting out a shaky breath. "I'm supposed to be the one with the memory problems because I can almost always fix it since my brain works differently. But the human brain is so finicky about things like this and no matter what I do, I can't promise to make it right. I'm scared that you might never remember all the places we've been together and I'm scared of losing my best friend. I'm scared of not knowing how to make this better. I'm scared of what might happen if I do go into your mind to help trigger your memories. You scare me, Rose Tyler. Always have."
"Blimey, you can talk," Rose said with a wobbly smile. "But there's nothing to be scared of. It's just me and I'm one of the least scary people ever."
"You're not just anything," the Doctor admitted quietly. "You're everything and I don't want to lose you."
"Aren't you losing me in a way if I don't get my memories back? I'm obviously not going to leave but it won't be the same."
"After this conversation, I'm not sure anything will be the same regardless."
Rose leaned closer to the Doctor. "Then what have we got to lose?"
She saw the Doctor's eyes flit down to her mouth momentarily and she was about to call her on it, see if she could call her bluff and see if those lips were as soft as she thought they were when an insistent beeping started up.
The Doctor pulled back. "Test results are ready."
