My stakes in claim mean nothing. My attempts of possession are in vain.
I am just a servant to all words, destined to be a master of none.
-Disclaimer-
Two
*The Antlers*
Chapter 1
In the middle of the night
I was sleeping sitting up,
When a doctor came to tell me,
"Enough is enough."
Kagome
"What are you doing?!"
Miroku's probably staring at Inuyasha with a disgusted look on his face. I can hear it in his voice; his tone is passive but filled with rage. I've never heard him like this before. I mean, it's happened so many times before that really it shouldn't be a surprise. But Miroku's never been this passionate about it. He's never shown this much emotion. It doesn't even really have anything to do with him, but here he is anyways, taking a stand.
And it makes me wonder, why does he care so much? Have I been that transparent? Has it always been this obvious? How much it affects me? How much it hurts? I've been so caught up in my own emotions lately that I've failed to realize how much it was affecting the people in my life.
Except now I can see. Miroku's not happy. You can tell right off the bat. Just 1 simple question, yet the conviction behind it relays so much more than the words themselves do.
And I can tell. I can tell he's not happy. And coming from a guy who can smile and laugh as he gets slapped for grabbing yet another girl's ass; it's kinda scary.
Is it really that bad? I'm dealing with it. Not with a smile on my face, but I'm dealing. But then that begs the question, where does happiness fit in? Because Miroku's not happy. And I don't think I'm happy either.
Because you're supposed to smile when you're happy. I don't even remember the last time I smiled. It's been months, almost half a year since I've given a smile away to brighten someone else's day. And it sucks to know that I can't even offer someone a smile. It's depressing to think that all I can do is bring people down to my own miserable level.
People laugh when their happy. God knows I wish I could. Just once, I'd like to laugh because I mean it. Because the hysterical chuckles that occasionally escape me are not laughter. They're merely masks to hide the pain. And they're starting to crack under the pressure. Pretty soon, people will be able to tell something's wrong … if they haven't already. Because people who are happy can generally tell when somebody else isn't feeling the same way. Happiness is the only disease we ever wish to incur, because when you're happy, you're free. Free from disappointment. Free from misery. Free.
But people who are free aren't supposed to want to stop breathing. People who are free never end up passing out as they hold their breaths, surrendering to the darkness. They don't starve themselves.
And I can't stop. I want to. I want to be able to stop the world for just a moment, stop the ever-present ache in my heart. But I can never seem to reach that point.
"I can't believe you."
Miroku's voice pierces through my thoughts and I'm drawn back to my phone.
"Do even know what you're doing to her? Every time you leave like this? She -"
"I'm not stupid Miroku!" Inuyasha's voice cuts into Miroku's. "I know it hurts her! Do you think I don't see it? The tears? Do you think I can't hear her crying every time I come back? Do you think I'm blind? Or deaf? Do you?"
"Yeah, I think you are." Miroku retorts. "You are totally blind to what you're doing to that poor girl. You don't see the look that flashes in her eyes when you leave. You don't have to face those sad little smiles of hers whenever someone mentions your name. You don't know what it's like when you're not there, because that's just it. You're never there."
I gasp loudly. Hearing the words come out from someone else's mouth hurts like a bitch. Because it's the truth. And it's been staring down everyone else in the face, clear as day. I thought I was hiding it. I thought it was impossible to see. Turns out, I haven't been hiding it properly at all.
The sound of glass shattering reaches my ears, followed by a thump. Inuyasha must've thrown something. A few footsteps later, all I hear is silence. Until…
"What do you want me to do about it Miroku? I love Kikyo. And I love Kagome too. But she can't be depending on me like this." I hear Inuyasha whisper her name, drowning out my own. And then the words surrounding the names start to filter through my head, dropping into place.
Cue the tears.
Miroku pipes in again. "Inuyasha? She's your best friend. She just lost her mother. You're supposed to be consoling her. I shouldn't have to tell you this."
"Don't you think I know that?" Inuyasha growls back at him, his voice raw. "Don't you think I want to more than anything? But I have a life! A life with Kikyo. We're engaged, don't you get it?"
Knees giving in, I drop. And sitting outside on the pavement near the employee door, I can do nothing more than let the tears fall. Puddles of my grief begin to form around me. Anyone who walks and turns to look down the alley can see me blubbering. But I don't care. The door that's cracked open behind me carries sounds from the busy coffee shop, and order after order rings through, but I make no motions to move. Everything just sort of falls away as his words repeat in my head.
And I can hear Miroku's voice pick up again, continuing to fight for me, continuing to demand answers for me, but his words no longer reach my ears.
"She thinks I've been cheating on her."
All of a sudden I find myself grasping the phone tightly, practically crushing it in my hand.
"With Kagome. And I tried to convince her she was wrong. I tried to tell her there was nothing between me and Kagome, that she's only my best friend since forever. But you know Kikyo, her trust is so hard to earn. And even harder to keep. So she gave me an ultimatum: move to France with her, or break the engagement… And I don't know what to do Miroku. I don't think I can live without her in my life."
"She's giving you an ultimatum?!" Miroku asks incredulously. I can just picture him in my head, whirling around, grabbing Inuyasha's shoulders and shaking him as he speaks.
"Are you even listening to a word you're saying?! Your best friend's mother just died in a car crash 2 months ago, her grandfather just a few months before that and you're thinking of leaving her?! During the time that she needs you the most?!" Miroku's yelling now, getting increasingly louder with each sentence.
"What do ya want from me Miro –"
But Miroku's not done yet.
"And what do you mean move to France?! You don't even know how to speak proper English! How the fuck do you think you're gonna learn fucking French?!"
Oh wow. He's swearing. This is a whole new level of Miroku that I've never personally come across. It's nice to know someone's on my side. Even if it's not the one person that counts.
"It doesn't even mat –"
"And let's forget about your own personal wants for a minute, you selfish bastard! What about Kagome?! How can you do this to her?! She's got no one! Everyone in her family is now gone except for her little brother that she now has to support and comfort on her own, plus her adopted son and you're gonna up and leave her? Her best friend, the one person who should be there for her the most is going to leave –"
"I KNOW! I know Kagome needs me!" Inuyasha roars, his voice the only thing I can focus on. And with those words, comes hope. And that hope fills me and rejuvenates me and returns the feeling back to my body, giving me the will to stand up again because I've got my lifeline back.
But just as quickly, I lose it. All I can do is watch as Inuyasha cuts the precious thread that binds us to one another with his next words.
"But I love Kikyo. And if she leaves me, I'll have nothing. And then, who's gonna comfort me? How will I be able to comfort anyone, let alone Kagome, if I'm not gonna have anyone to comfort me?"
Silence fills the air, and I think for a moment that I've dropped the call. That maybe Miroku realized his phone was on, and that I could hear the entire conversation. Because, do I really want to know the outcome of this argument?
And it's then when it crosses my mind. I'm not supposed to be hearing this conversation. But what's a girl to do when someone pocket dials her and mentions her name? Curiosity killed the cat, and I guess there's more that rubbed off on me than just Buyo's solitary nature.
"Do you see what I'm seeing right now Inuyasha? Because I don't think you do." Miroku's voice is monotone. The difference between his last spoken words to now is overwhelming. It's like he's shut himself down.
But still, he continues. "God, you don't have a fucking clue do you? You're so self-centered, you don't even give a damn about anyone else's feelings! Did you ever think about what will happen to Kagome when you leave? Like maybe about how much this is going to affect her? Do you even care?"
"Of course I do! But I don't want to lose Kikyo, Miroku. I can't. I don't want to have to deal with the pain." Inuyasha says roughly, his voice raspy and thick with emotion.
The phone starts to slip through my fingers. I can't find the strength within myself to hold it up anymore. And as it slides out of my grip, tumbling and twirling to the ground, the last words I hear come from Miroku.
"I don't even know who you are right now. Because the Inuyasha I know wouldn't be able to say something like that. But think about this, Inuyasha. When you're off living the good life in fucking France, Kagome is going to be here, battered and broken, with no one to turn to. Which is kind of like how it is right now anyways, right? Because you might still be here, but you might as well be in France for all I care."
And with that it seems Miroku's finally given up. And for good reason too, because Inuyasha's just gone and done it. He's decided. And now he's leaving. He's leaving me for her. And I guess I knew it would happen at some point. It was inevitable I suppose. But denial is a beautiful thing. It has to be, if it can create such beautiful and distracting lies.
The phone finally succumbs to the will of gravity, clattering to the ground. I follow it, back against the wall as I slump down. The reverberating echo of plastic hitting conglomerate is all that I register. And I wouldn't be surprised if the noise made it through to Miroku's end. Maybe they'll finally realize that somebody can hear every goddamned word that they're saying.
And after a few seconds, they do.
"Shit!"
I bring my hands to cover my face as Miroku's voice emanates from the cell phone below me.
"Oh fuck. Kagome? Kagome! Are you there? Can you hear… Oh shit. Did you hear all that, Kagome?"
But I don't respond. I just sit there in the back of the alley, slouched beside the garbage bins, and cry. Because that's all I am. Garbage. Something that once was attractive and useful, but all-in-all is nothing more than waste that is destined to be left behind on a curb.
And nobody cries over garbage. Nobody, but the garbage itself.
A/N: This was originally going to be a oneshot. But, apparently I like to ramble on and on and on when I get in an angsty mood and so, now it's not. Estimated length is 41 chapters of varying length and expect multiple POV's. This one is kinda of special to me, which will be elaborated on at the last chapter so I'd really appreciate feedback.
Drop me a line.
