Do Tarus Dream of Existential Meats?

Special thanks to Anonda for inspiring the story, and to Genjistar and Karinastar (no relation) for helping me get the facts straight!

Part I

"Fire IV!" Bolotto-Totto chants, and with those few words a nearby monster's flesh is frosted with phantom flames. "Take that, you wicked wyvern!"

Bolotto-Totto defeats the Mamool Ja's Wyvern.

The scent of its burning body wafts over to Bolotto-Totto, a level 75 black mage who, like many tarutaru, lives for the tantalizing taste of spuds and sweets, fungus, veggies—anything but meats. In fact, the thought of any meaty delight would make his belly burble with disbelief and disgust. But this portly practitioner of magic possessed a particularly peculiar preference for popotoes. For Bolotto-Totto, a day without popotoes was like a red mage without Refresh, a bard without Ballad. But now, the normally sickening smell of this cooking creature seems to have snuck into Bolotto-Totto's center of hunger, and a hankering for heartier fare settled into his stomach. Suddenly, Bolotto-Totto could find no satisfaction in popotoes and pies, and he begins to dwell deliriously on his delicious new dilemma.

"Popoto, popoto…" he mumbles, waddling back and forth on his stubby tarutaru legs. The green grass of Bhaflau Thickets brushes against him, and he nearly Head Butts, Mandragora-style, a murderously close Mamool Ja Mimer. "No more popotoes…" His apparent preoccupation has plucked his attention from more pressing—and dangerous—party matters. Those rumored tales are terribly true; the grumbles of an unsatisfied taru tummy can most definitely drown the sounds of fists and swords, the magical battles of beastman hordes.

"Popoto, popoto…"

"Pssssst," Kukiki the white mage whispers, but Bolotto-Totto is so withdrawn from the waking world that he merely continues to wildly pace. "Pssst! Hey, Mr. Black Mage!"

Kukiki pokes Bolotto-Totto.

Kukiki pokes Bolotto-Totto.

Bolototto-Totto turns to face the poking tarutaru. "No more popotoes!"

"Well of course not, silly!" Kukiki exclaims, her cutesy high-pitched voice sweeter than the wild honey rumored to be hoarded in her beehive hairdo. "Popotoes won't boosty your INT! What you want is pie!" Bolotto-Totto clutches his belly while Kukiki carelessly burrows through her gobbiebag, humming happily to herself.

"Popotoes and pies! Popotoes and pies!" Kukiki ignores Bolotto-Totto's crazy cries as she casts a few crystals and crab shells aside in search of some crusty cuisine. "Awww," Kukiki sighs. "I'm freshy out of pie!" Kukiki's eyes brim over with tears.

"R-really that's quite alright! I've reached my limit. Looky here, I'm passing on pies for the next ninety years!" Kukiki pretends not to hear his pathetic pleas. She paws through her pockets for the perfect pie replacement.

Kukiki smiles warmly. "Oh oh oooooooooooh! I have just the thingy! Cookies!"

"But cookies are—" Bolotto-Totto begins to protest.

"Just what you needy! You'll get back your magic points before you can say 'More pie please!'" Kukiki interrupts, taking a moment to tend to the pending battle. "Oopsy! One seccy there, Mr. Black Mage!" She turns toward the paladin, a gallant galka in shining armor who is surely trying to protect the party, even as his hit points and magic points climb closer to zero. "Cure V!" A burst of light surrounds the galka, granting him greater chance of survival in the next round of attacks. Kukiki, now drawn in by Bolotto-Totto's dilemma, forgoes resting for the sake of food.

"Ok then! A sugary wizard cookie will sugarly hit the spot!" She hands her treasure happily over, but Bolotto-Totto simply stares. "Saaaaay, Mr. Black Mage, don't you want my cookie?" Kukiki's eyes brim over with tears.

"Popotoes and pies, popotoes and pies! Curses to the cooks who caused popotoes and pies!"

"Whoa there! Whatty are you talking about? This is a cookie!" Kukiki looks thoughtful. " Oooooooooooh, I see! You're waiting 'til after the skillychain so you can rest more magic points! Of course! That must be it! No taru would ever say no to a deliciously sugary cookie!"

Bolotto-Totto, barely evading the sweet sugar taste, feels a sudden, though small, sense of relief. But his brain is still baffled, and as the red mage casts Haste in preparation for the mob's demise, Bolotto-Totto's head is so cloudy with cravings that he does not pay attention to his party performing the finishing maneuvers.

"Fear the power of the beast unleashed through my feet!" cries Chaz, a dark-haired monk of hume descent. "Dragon Kick!" The Mamool Ja Pikeman stumbles back from the swift and sturdy blow as Byron, a blonde hume ranger, aims his Martial gun at the miscreant Mamool Ja.

"Feeling a little weighed down? Heavy Shot!" Byron's bullet makes its mark, leaving the Mamool mob just enough life that a well-timed black mage magic burst would procure the party a perfect victory, free of casualties. A circle of light surrounds the Pikeman, damaging him with a dazzling spectacle of the spectrum.

Bolotto-Totto, facing away from the mob, is fascinated more by famine than feats of skill. "Popoto IV!" He yells. Of course, nothing happens, nothing bursts forth, as there exists no such magical verse in Vana'diel. His party is left wondering why his words did not more closely resemble "Thunder IV" as the Mamool Ja Pikeman, weakened and wanting revenge, walks within poking distance of the ranger.

"Heal!!" cries Byron, bewildered by the sight of his own bleeding blood.

"Cure V!" Kukiki screams, the sound of her sweetness rising in pitch with proportion to the problems now posed to the party—low hit points, low magic points, and a Mamool Ja Pikeman with a pointy spear reaping revenge on a paper-armored ranger.

"Get over here, you dumb Mamool Ja Pikeman! Provoke!" The galka in shining armor fearlessly incites the foe, but the Pikeman feigns disinterest and feverishly fights the more easily damaged hume, whose hit points are hurriedly falling beyond hope of heals.

The Maool Ja Pikeman uses Firespit. Byron takes damage, turning his total hit points to the low two hundreds.

"Cure V! Heeeey I'm about out of magicky points here so you better hurry up! Mr. Black Mage, your spells will sugarly help us out!"

Bolotto-Totto, sensing at last the seriousness of the situation, summons a spell. But sadly, that one small second of his usual quick thinking was clearly clouded. He casts the first spell that comes to his mind. Unfortunately not Burst, not Blizzard IV, Blizzard III, or even Blind, which would have worked wonderously better in such a situation. No, "Warp II!" was all he could cry, with Kukiki the targeted tarutaru. Unfortunately, the party would have probably preferred another attempt at Popoto IV.

"Hey….hey wait! Mr. Black Mage, Whatty are you dooinnnnnnn" her voice trails off as she is returned reluctantly and unwillingly to Windurst.

Chaz fumes.

Byron motions angrily, but pulls off a panicked Barrage.

Byron defeats the Mamool Ja Pikeman.

"D00d…" Chaz turns to Byron, the bashed and bruised hume who happens to be the party leader. "I told u we didn't need a black mage!"

Byron shrugs. "I have a level 75 black mage, and I never miss a magic burst. And they always do like 50,000 damage. It's not my fault you insisted on inviting a n00b. Hey red mage, can I get a heal here??"

Chaz fumes. Chaz points Northeast. "Our red mage already joined another party… d00d, I told u, we shoulda made a melee party. Oh, oh, there's a bard seeking! There's a red mage in my linkshell who wants to join us. Big Unicorn," Chaz motions to the gallant galka in shining armor, "go switch to Warrior!"

"D2 please," Big Unicorn demands, ready to desert his noble deeds to deal more damage.

Bolotto-Totto sighs and selects his second target. "Warp II!" he mutters, and is soon surrounded by the magical light that leaves him washed up and wary in Windurst.

"D00d. Worst. Black Mage. Ever."