Title:Dorian Gray's New Groove

Rating: T – for some comedic violence and mild language

Disclaimer: I own none of the material here. The Emperor's New Groove is a property of Disney, LXG is a property of 20th Century Fox, based on the graphic novel by Alan Moore, all literary characters are property to their respective authors.

Note: This just popped into my head one day. What if I could parody Disney films with the cast of LXG? Not all the films, but the ones that the characters could fit into. I started with The Emperor's New Groove because it seems the easiest. It's been ages since I wrote LXG fan fiction, why not have some fun with a parody? I'm going by memory on this, so things might not seem right.


Chapter 1: How it Started

The scene opened in a deep jungle setting, it was dark and raining. Sitting and sulking on a rock, centered in a puddle, was an odd looking llama. What was odd about the llama was the mass of dark hair on its head along with the mustache and goatee.

"It's a pathetic sight," started Dorian Gray's narration, "that llama being drenched in the rain wasn't always a llama. That llama used to be a person, a ruling emperor, this is his story. That llama is me." The llama sadly trotted from the rock to under a large leaf, only to have water splashed over his head. "Pathetic. I was popular and powerful, then my life was ruined for no reason!" Llama Dorian began to sob.

"To explain how it all started, lets go back." Flash back to when Dorian Gray was a toddler playing with a stuffed bunny. "That's way too back, but oh! I'm so cute!" Little Dorian ripped the stuffed bunny's ear off and he started crying, then more stuffed bunnies were offered to him and he giggled.

The flashback changed and there was Dorian, wearing a gold crown, a red elaborate tunic, large earrings and sandals. He was lounging in chair while servants waited on him.

"This is what I'm talking about, that would be me, ruler of my own glorious Empire!" The scene changed back to llama Dorian. "Not this loser!" The scene showed emperor Dorian. "Winner!" Cut to llama Dorian. "Loser!"

Back to Dorian enjoying himself as emperor. "Being emperor is great! I have servants who bring me stuff." A bunch of servants come to Dorian and offer him platters of food, trays of beverages and a fancy display of wardrobe. "A guy who does my theme song." Appearing was Rodney Skinner wearing what looked like a silly disco costume, holding a microphone and singing.

"He was born and raised to rule.

No one else would be as cruel.

In centuries of aristocracy.

An enigma and a mystery.

In world wide history.

The narcissist, that is he."

As Rodney dances across the stage, a whole bunch of soldiers (from M's fortress) do a silly river dance.

Dorian got out of his chair and started dancing in his own groove. He was dancing backward until he bumped into Allan Quatermain.

"Hey!" shouted Dorian. "You threw off my groove!" He crossed his arms in a huff.

"I'm sorry," M said to Allan, "but you threw off Dorian's groove."

"Sorry!" yelled Allan as he was thrown out the window.

Dorian went into the next room where he met with Sanderson Reed, who was holding a clipboard and pen.

"Oh, you're highness," said Reed, "it's time for you to pick your bride." A whole bunch of Dorian Gray fan girls lined up.

"Hmm…" mused Dorian. He walked along the line of fan girls. "Nope. Hate your hair. Nah, nah, nah," he glanced at the last one, "oh, and I suppose you have a great personality." He turned away from them.

While the fan girls sulked at the rejection, Dorian continued business with Reed.

"What other news do you have for me?" Dorian asked.

"Well…" started Reed, "…umm…." He began flipping through his clipboard and babbled away. Dorian stared irritably.

"What was with this guy?" Dorian narrated. "He was like the man who would never shut up!"

"You do have an appointment with that village representative," Reed said finally. "I was informed by the guard he just arrived."

"Show him in," said Dorian.

Coming in through the doorway, was Mycroft Holmes (from the graphic novel if you haven't read it). He wore a brown cap and a green wool robe.

"Oh yeah, here is a guy who was responsible for what was done to me! He might look harmless, but he's not what he seems."

"You wanted to see me, your highness?" asked Mycroft.

"Yes," said Dorian, "I need your expertise on something." He walked to a chart table and began stroking his goatee.

"I don't know about expertise, but I'll help." Mycroft noticed the chart table. "Hey, is that a model of my village?"

"Yes, I just want to know where the perfect location is."

"Oh," said Mycroft. "On the very hill top, where my house is located, you can hear sweet music when sunlight touches it." He indicated the location with his index finger.

"Perfect!" Dorian slammed another model on top of the model village. "Just the place to build my summer house!" He activated the model and it opened like a music box and a carving of Dorian's head was spinning in the middle. "Graytopia! A birthday gift to myself!" He hugged the model summer house.

"You're going to build a summer house in our village?" asked Mycroft.

"Yeah, it will have a pool, and a broad view of the valley!" Dorian squealed with delight.

"But where will we live?"

Dorian paused for a moment. "Don't know, don't care," he answered. "That's all the help I need, thank you, and you can go on your way." Dorian trotted off to his throne room, leaving Mycroft to be very disappointed.

In the throne room, a peasant was explaining a problem to the occupant of the throne. It wasn't Dorian who occupied the glamorous chair, but a sleek, pale woman in a dark dress and a frill behind her that resembled bat wings.

"Meet my advisor, Mina Harker," Dorian's narration continued. "She's living proof that vampires exist." Mina frowned as she listened on and impatiently drummed her delicate fingers on the arm rest. "Mina always tries to rule the Empire behind my back, which is all she can do."

Standing beside the throne was a large, hairy, ape like man wearing a yellow and purple tunic and a silly gold hat. "That large freak is Mina's right hand man, his name is Edward Hyde." While Mina was listening to the peasant's problem, Hyde became distracted by a fly landing between his eyes, he tried to crush it but the fly fluttered off and Hyde hit himself in the face.

"Well," said Mina, "it's no concern of mine whether or not your family has…"

"No… food," the peasant said.

Mina cackled. "Then you should have thought of that before you became peasants!"

The peasant fled the room, terrified of Mina's voice. By then, Dorian had entered the throne room and was ascending the stairs to the throne.

"Having fun?" Dorian asked.

"Oh Dorian," said Mina pleasantly, "I was just taking care of business during your absence."

"Right, now who is in my chair?"

"Oh, oh, pick me," said Hyde, "Mina's in your chair!"

"That's good Hyde," said Dorian. "Here's a snack." He tossed a dog biscuit in the air, Hyde tried to catch it with his teeth but he missed and fell down the stairs.

"Oh alright," said Mina, standing up. "Here's your chair, your highness."

Dorian sat on his throne as Mina got off of it. "By the way," Dorian added, "you're fired." With a snap of his fingers, a servant gave Mina the pink slip.

"Fired?" asked Mina with a hiss.

"If you prefer, you're being 'let go', 'sent on a new path', 'forced to change', whatever. Everyone has a time and place, and it ends, you hit it off when we broke up a while back."

"But, your highness, I have served this Empire for many years! I have leadership skills that can't be compared." Mina continued to chatter on why she should not be fired.

"Bloody Hell," narrated Dorian, "she never is satisfied." Dorian stared at Mina's extended lashes, blushed cheeks and overdone lip shine. "I thought I was vain! She really takes immortality for granted." There was a neck sinew caught between her teeth. "How long has that been there?"

"Sorry Mina," said Dorian with a hint of slyness. "I think you have done enough for this Empire."

"Fine," said Mina. "Come on, Hyde." She stormed out of the throne room with her burly henchman following her.


End Note: Well, that is Chapter 1 of this weird story. It seemed right to cast Dorian in this, since he is a selfish, spoiled jerk. There will be violence ahead, and much more swearing. Hope this first chapter is alright, because I won't carry on if it's not.