Coming Of Age

Part One: Explanations

A week has passed since we celebrated Hunter's nineteenth birthday. It was just family and friends, but even so the house seemed to be full, and we partied late into the night. I was extremely proud of the birthday cake I'd made. It had been a definite improvement on the one I'd made for his sixteenth birthday.

I still found it hard to believe he's nineteen; it seems only yesterday that Ben and I found him asleep outside our apartment door. He's grown into a wonderful person in those years and makes Ben and I proud at every turn to be his parents.

I sometimes wonder if he ever thinks about his life before we took him in. I like to think he's managed to put those demons to rest, that the love and security we give him is enough to push those painful memories from his mind. Outward appearances make me think it has. He's doing great at school, is popular, and I think had lost much of that mistrust he had of the world back then.

I worry about him though; guess that's part of being a parent. He's healthy, which is all we can ask for. He still grumbles every time I remind him it's time for his check up but he goes because he now realizes the importance of it. It took a while for Ben and I to make him understand that; probably because in his mind if he didn't think about it, it would somehow just disappear.

If he has any worries or questions about his health, he goes to Ben which I understand. They will always share that bond of blood, but he surprises me at times by coming to me when it's just been the two of us at home. He has that embarrassed – sharing with your parents is not cool – look on his face, but I keep my silence until he's ready to talk. I'm never quite sure what his questions will be, and if I would be able to answer them but the fact he even comes to me shows how much he has changed from that withdrawn sixteen year old who thought that everyone in the world was out for what they could get.

I came out of my day dreaming as the front door slammed, and Hunter walked into the room, dropping his bag on the floor, a mumbled 'hi' all I received as he made his way to the kitchen. I could hear cupboard doors opening and shutting, and he finally walked back into the room, cookies in one hand, snapping open a can of soda with the other and dropped onto the sofa next to me.

"How was school?" I asked, reaching out and grabbing one of the cookies.

"Fuck off!" He snapped as I grabbed another one.

I laughed, knowing he didn't mean it, but knew better than try to sneak another one.

"Michael?" He said, nibbling at his cookie.

"Yeah."

"I've met this girl…."

His voice wandered off, and I had an idea where this conversation maybe leading. To be a straight and positive teenager was a difficult place to be, and I wondered if he'd have an easier time of it if he was gay. The understanding of HIV in the gay community compared with the world he mixed in was very different and through a couple of previous conversation we'd had over the last two years, I knew he was concerned about how much he had to tell a girl he wanted to have sex with. He'd done the right thing with Callie, but it had taken him a long time to accept that.

He was a good looking kid, and girls were starting to notice him more and more and although there didn't seem to be anyone special in his life. I wondered if that was about to change. He'd never told me directly whether he was having sex with the few girls who seemed to come into his life and then disappear just as rapidly, but I got the impression that he wasn't doing the fucking around that most kids his age were doing. Whether that was because of his positive status, or he was scared of getting hurt again or because Ben and I had managed to instill a lot of self respect into him, I don't know, but whatever it was I was proud of him, not just for coming to me, but also because he cared enough about the possible ramifications when he told a girl the truth.

"What's her name?" I asked, sneaking another cookie without him noticing.

"Amanda"

I noticed the starry-eyed look in his eyes as he said her name and couldn't help but smile.

"Shut up." He said, grabbing another cookie.

"I didn't say a word." I replied, but not able to take the smile from my face. I decided to cut him some slack.

"Is she pretty?" I asked, and I saw his face light up.

"Fuck yeah!" He replied.

I could see I wasn't going to find out in a hurry where this conversation was leading.

"Ok….so details!" I said.

"She's not very tall, about your height probably…."

"Hey I'm not short!" I stated.

"Yeah, right!" He replied. "I'm surprised you don't have to stand on a box for Ben to kiss you."

I tried to ignore that but as always had no intention of letting him having the last word.

"Don't be a smart ass, and for your information Ben thinks I'm the perfect height." I said smugly.

"Yeah, and Ben likes tofu and soy bean loaf, so his opinion doesn't hold a lot of weight with me." Hunter retorted, moving quickly as I lifted my hand to smack him around the ears.

He grinned at me, and I felt a surge of love for him.

"So tell me more about Amanda!" I demanded.

"She's got long black hair and brown eyes, and she's real smart." He began. "And I can't figure out why she's interested in me." Hunter shook his head slightly.

"Hey don't sell yourself short. You're good looking; you can tell her you take after your handsome father if you want." I ignored the snort from him before continuing. "And you're kind and considerate."

"And don't forget smart!" He laughed.

"Yeah well, I think you can thank your other father for that part." I laughed, before continuing, "So how did you meet her?"

"We got paired up for a science project." He answered. "And afterwards we went for a drink and we've been seeing each other after school a lot."

"Really…."

"Yeah, and we just sit and talk for hours." Hunter said; that dreamy look in his eyes again.

"And did you tell her about your two dashing young Dads?" I asked tentatively.

He laughed before answering.

"Yeah, and she thought it was kinda cool."

I breathed a sigh of relief. One hurdle out of the way.

"But I haven't told her that….." His voice trailed off; that closed off look, which I recognized so well, crossed his face.

"You're positive?"

A slight nod of his head was the only response I got, and I now knew where this conversation was heading and hoped that I could find the words to answer the questions that I knew would be coming.

"Have you two had sex?" I asked quietly.

"No." He answered.

"But you want to?"

"Yeah."

"And you're worried about what she will say if you tell her?"

"Course I fucking am!" He snapped.

I didn't say anything for a moment waiting for his next words.

"Sorry…I didn't mean to….."

"Yeah, I know." I replied. "I understand you're worried, but you know what Ben and I have always told you."

"Yeah…but what happens if she hates me when she finds out, or she tells everyone."

"Do you think she'd do that?"

He sat quietly for a few minutes before answering.

"No." He replied hesitantly "I don't think so, but what if she wants to know more….like how I got it…what do I tell her then?"

"That's up to you Hunter." I answered, wishing he didn't carry this burden from his childhood around with him. "I think you'll know from her reaction how she feels and then you'll just have to decide yourself exactly how much you tell her. If you really have feelings for her…"

"I do…..I mean….I think…. I'm in love with her." He interrupted, and I saw a light blush cover his face.

"You haven't known her very long." I said doubtfully.

"And how long did you know Ben before you knew you loved him?" Hunter asked an innocent look on his face.

I knew he had me there; he'd heard the story often enough of how I had fallen in love with Ben the moment I saw him.

"Thought you may have forgotten about that.." I grinned at him.

"How the fuck could I? you tell that story every time the two of you get all soppy and romantic."

I laughed at the look of disgust on his face and a smile twitched his lips.

"Perhaps I take after you two more than I thought….which when I think about it, is actually fucking scary." He said, shaking his head.

"Hey there's nothing wrong with a little romance in your life." I replied, thinking of the candle-lit dinners and romantic weekends away Ben and I had shared over the years.

"Hey…get your mind out of your pants and back to me!" Hunter's voice broke my thoughts, and I focused back on him ignoring the smirk on his face.

"Sorry…where we were…oh yes……Amanda and you and….."

"What do I tell her?" He asked, the smile disappearing from his face as fast as it had appeared.

"Do you think she feels the same way about you?" I asked.

"Yeah….we've sort of talked about a future together…she's not like all the other girls…she's not into the party scene…even though she takes school really seriously, she talks about wanting a family too….which is another problem isn't it."

I knew what he was talking about, and once again the anger I felt at the legacy his mother had left him overwhelmed me.

"Let's just concentrate on one thing at a time." I said. "What you should tell her."

"And how I should tell her…it's not like I can say…..by the way I'm HIV positive, and I used to fuck guys for a living…and even if I do manage to tell her, and she's ok with it…which I fucking doubt anyone would be….what happens when we actually want to do it, and she gets scared or something."

Memories of a night standing in a cold bathroom flooded my mind at his words, and I felt a shiver go through my body. The hurt I'd caused Ben with my words still haunted me, and although Ben had understood and in the end everything had turned out fine, I wished I could have taken back that moment. The pain I'd seen in Ben's eyes at my words was something I didn't want Hunter to have to experience. He was still a kid, and I wasn't sure he would get over it, especially if they were said by someone he loved.

"How much have you told her about your childhood….I mean before you came to us?" I asked, my mind skipping ahead trying to see if there was a solution to this problem he was about to face.

"Just that I ran away from home 'cause my mother was a psychotic bitch." He answered.

"Yeah well that about covers it." I replied, and received a small smile from him. "What did she say to that?"

"She asked how I lived?"

"And you said……" Trying to get information out of him was like pulling teeth, but I was patient, and I knew he had to work some of this out for himself, and talking about it was part of the way to do it. I also knew I would find out a lot about this girl who seemed to have stolen my son's heart if I just let him talk in his own time.

"On the streets." Hunter replied. "She didn't say anything for a while, and then just wrapped her arms around me and gave me a hug and said 'that must have been so hard for you'.

I decided at that moment I liked this Amanda verymuch.

"Did she ask anything else?"

He shook his head. "No, but I could tell she wanted to."

"If you really care for her….."

"I DO!"

"Let me finish." I answered, holding up my hand. "Then you have to tell her the truth. I don't mean every detail but starting a relationship built on lies is not a good idea. And if you don't tell her the truth, at least a watered down version of it, how are you going to explain your positive status?"

The weight of the world seemed to be on his shoulders as he sunk lower into the sofa.

"And what if she reacts like Callie did….telling me all she could think about when she saw me was all those men doing things to me!" He demanded. "And why wouldn't she?"

"From what you have said about her, I don't think she will. I think she may need time to think about it and perhaps want to ask more questions. How you answer you will have to decide at the time, but it's a chance you have to take Hunter, especially if as you said you are talking about a future together."

He seemed to consider my words before speaking again.

"That makes sense. But then the next part….."

"If she wants kids?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, we need to look into this if you want to. Or do you want to wait until you have talked to her?"

"No. I want….need to know everything cause if she can handle what I tell her about my past, I think she deserves to know what our future maybe like."

He sounded so much older than his nineteen years when he spoke, and I reached out and gave him a hug. He didn't pull away, and I gradually felt the tension leave his body.

"Come with me." I said, standing and walking to the computer, flicking on the 'on' switch and grabbed a chair for him. He sat down, fiddling with a pen on the desk as it booted and I put some keywords in the search bar and waited. The words that Ben had told him a few years ago. 'they're working on it,' entered my head, and I hoped that some of that work had come to fruition.

I scrolled down the screen until I found something like we wanted and hit the enter key. My eyes skimmed through the article quickly, and I knew what it said was not what he wanted to hear.

He leaned forward and began to read from the screen:

Several studies have been done on relationships where one partner is positive and the other is negative. This is called mixed status or HIV discordant couples. Even if the HIV (+) partner has a healthy immune or defense system (low viral load and good CD4 count), the possibility of infecting the HIV (-) person is still very real.

A baby can only be HIV positive if his/her mother is HIV positive. Medicines, such as AZT, can be used during child birth to prevent the virus from spreading to the baby. However, mixed status couples that continue to have unprotected sex in an attempt to "get pregnant" run the risk of infecting both mom AND baby.

Unfortunately, at this time, there are not many options. I strongly recommend condom use (male and/or female) during sex between mixed status couples.

I listened to him as he read and heard his voice shake slightly by the time he had finished.

"So much for having kids!" He almost shouted, and I reached out for him but he pulled away.

"Hunter, listen to me. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but there are two things in your favor."

"What?" He asked, and I could see that he was struggling to contain the anger that I knew he must be feeling at the moment.

"You are still young, which means when you decide to have kids, things may have changed……"

"Yeah right. Ben told me….."

"I know what Ben told you, and I still believe it will happen." I replied trying to stay upbeat for him.

He shrugged, and I could tell he didn't quite believe me, but at the moment was willing to grasp any hope that might be thrown his way.

"And what's the other thing?" He finally asked.

"That Amanda would be willing to accept this because she loves you. And remember adoption is a possibility if you both decide you really want to have children." I answered. "I mean, we adopted you, and it's not too bad is it."

A smile actually touched his lips for the moment, and this time when I reached out, he allowed me to give him another hug.

"So you're saying take the chance and tell her everything?" He asked.

"It's not my decision Hunter but yes, I think you should." I replied. "And one more thing."

"Now what?"

"When do we get to meet our future daughter-in-law?"