But For Now – Chapter 1: Talk about my future
A/N: Quick pre-cursor to the story: 1. I'm not sure how long this will be or how much of it will actually get posted, but feel free to follow, as there will most likely be more. 2. We're all going to pretend Mary is actually an exceptional dancer, because as we all know, her dancing in the movie is not anything super special. But hey, she got a full scholarship to MAPA, so we'll just pretend. Enjoy.
May 2009
Dancing was everything to her. She couldn't just leave it all behind so that she could follow him around the world or some shit. He knew this! He knew better than anyone how important dance was to her. He had spent her second semester of Senior Year living in a cute little apartment in Manhattan, to be with her while she danced! He'd even left Dustin in Beverly Hills with Tami, because he knew Manhattan Academy of Performing Arts was where Mary had to be, and to him, that meant it was where he had to be too.
And now he was asking her this? Who did he think she was? She thought that they had spent the last year getting to know each other, to really care about and love each other. And now… well, he was asking her to just up and leave her chance at a real dance career, to play the part of back up dancer on tour with him.
"I'm asking for us! If you came on tour, we could be together! We'd be able to see each other every day. Fall asleep together and wake up next to each other. It'd be perfect. Everything that I want."
"Joey." Part of her couldn't believe he was even asking her.
"I know what you're gonna say Mary," he interrupted. It just made her more upset. "That you can't just give up on a dance career. But I'm not asking for you to do this forever. I just… you can join a company when we get back next year! I'm only asking for six months, a year tops!"
"Joey, no!" she yelled. He looked at her, startled at her outburst. "I might not ever get this kind of chance again! And if I say no now, they might not want me again in six months or a year!"
"Mary, that's ridiculous! You're an incredible dancer, anybody'd be lucky to have you!"
"Joey. You don't just say no to Alvin Ailey and expect them to take you back whenever you're ready." She turned away from him, because she couldn't look at him while she said this, in case she started to cry. "I can't believe you're… you're even asking. Do you remember what you said to me, a year ago, when we were roadtripping to New York?"
"Mary! Yes! Of course I remember. And I meant it!" He took her arm and pulled her around to look at him.
She looked at the floor instead of at him. "Then why are you asking me?"
"Mary, I… I'm doing this for us. For our relationship."
She shook her head and pulled her arm away from him.
-|xxx|-
June 2008
His eyes were on the road and he looked deep in thought; Mary was looking out her own window and not expecting him to speak.
"You're gonna kill this, you know?" She jumped, startled by him. He laughed. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."
She laughed too. "It's fine, you just hadn't said anything for a while."
He smiled over at her for a moment before returning his attention to the road. "I'm serious. You are perfect for dance school."
She raised an eyebrow. "Don't you mean dance school is perfect for me?"
"Nah, for real, they need you at Manhattan Academy Mary, to show 'em how it's done." He nudged her knee playfully and smiled. "Everyone is going to be in awe of you."
She just smiled. "Thanks. I'm really nervous. What if no one likes me?"
"Mary. Please. All of the girls will want to be you, and the guys had better stay far away from you, as hard as I know it's gonna be for them." Joey smirked at her.
Mary blushed. "Joey. Tha-that's ridiculous! Psshh." Joey just grinned even bigger at her adorable awkwardness at the idea.
"Mary, despite your unwillingness to believe it, you're an appealing person! I was into you way before the whole dance thing, I just didn't know how to approach you. And then… I don't know, I guess I convinced myself I had something special with Mystery Dance Girl, which I most certainly did, and so I dismissed what I felt for you."
"Really? Is that true?" she said shyly, blinking up at him.
"Of course it's true!" he answered. "Mary, I would never lie to you." He drummed his hands on the wheel. "And you're going to be an amazing dancer. You already are. And you've got a whole career ahead of you."
"You think I could… you think I can make it as a dancer?" she intoned nervously. "Because I can't stop thinking about it. What if I waste my senior year trying to be great at something I'm not, and it all just… what if I crash and burn?"
"Mary." He reached his arm across the space between them to rest behind her neck in reassurance. "You have some crazy skills. And I mean that in the best way possible! You are going places!" He smirked and chuckled. "And hey, if you don't land some sort of crazy amazing contract after you finish high school – which I know you will, by the way – you will always be welcome to dance with me."
Mary sighed. "I don't want to just have a job that I know I got because my boyfriend happens to be in the business. I want to know I earned it."
"And you will Mary. I promise. Everyone will want you! And I will be sad not to have you in my show, but I get it. You never have to work for me if you don't want that." He smiled and gave her hand a squeeze before returning his to the wheel.
-|xxx|-
May 2009
"Joey, this isn't for 'our relationship'," she put air quotes around it. "You said it yourself, it's just what you want. But you're not thinking about what I want!"
He sighed and put his hand to his forehead, massaging his temples in stress. There was silence between them for a minute, and he took the time to sit down on the couch nearby.
"We don't usually fight, do we?" he asked quietly.
Mary perched across from him in an armchair. "No. Only about big things."
"Things that matter," he added.
"Right. Because we fought about where you were gonna live, before you moved out here."
He chuckled, but it wasn't an amused sound. "We fought a lot, about where I was gonna live."
"Still the worst two weeks of my life." She gave him a wide-eyed look. "And Domi-freak raised me! Go figure!"
He laughed, despite their argument. "This is considerably better than those two weeks."
-|xxx|-
October 2008
"We can't keep doing this Joey." She hated that they were having this conversation over the phone. "I am sick of pretending like things are fine with us, like being apart the past few months isn't affecting us. I want to be with you, I do, but you can't expect me to just sit here and wait for some magazine pictures or internet articles to come my way, showing you with this girl this month, and that one the next!"
"Mary, I don't… I don't know what else I can say to you!" he answered, as riled up as she was. "I have told you time and time again that these girls mean nothing to me. I have not given even one of them a second thought, it's just people taking pictures and twisting the truth! Half of them are just girls from the dance school, who want to take advantage of the fact that you're not here! This is what they want, to come between us!"
"Well it's working!" Mary intoned. "I'm sick of seeing pictures of you with girl after girl after girl everywhere! Literally everywhere I go I'm reminded that you're with a bunch of other girls and not me!"
"What do you want Mary? What do you want from me?"
"I don't want anything," she said sadly, quietly all of the sudden.
That worried him more than the yelling. "What do you mean you don't want anything?" The panic had crept into his voice. "What does that mean, Mary?"
"It means… Joey, it means that I just can't go through this anymore. I love you." She paused and swallowed. "I love you and I'm so grateful for how much you've done for me, for my dancing… everything."
"Don't say 'but'," he interjected before she could continue.
She ignored him. "But right now, this isn't right for us. We're spending our time worrying about the wrong things. This year was supposed to be about you taking a break and focusing on you, getting back to your roots; not some girl you happened to meet right at the beginning of it."
"Mary," he sounded hysterical now. "Mary, you're not just some girl. You're everything to me."
"I shouldn't be. You're 19, you need to take time for yourself, you need to focus on your career instead of focusing on maintaining a long distance relationship with someone you haven't even known for eight months."
"Mary." Just from the tone of his voice, Mary could imagine him putting his hand to his forehead in stress. "The amount of time I've known you doesn't mean shit to me!" He fell silent for a moment. "Just. Let's not do this over the phone. I'll come to the city tomorrow night, we'll spend the weekend together, and we can talk about all this then."
"Joey. No. You can't just come here for the weekend. You need to stay in the Hills, you need to focus on what's important."
"What's important to me is this relationship! You're important to me, Mary!" He was raising his voice again. "I'm not letting you… I can't let you do this over the phone, for gods' sakes! We need to… we have to have a proper conversation about this. Face to face."
"Joey." He was making this so much harder than it had to be. "We just… we're in different places right now. Physically, yeah, but… in other ways too."
"No." He was shaking his head. She might as well have heard him doing it. "No, no. This is not happening. No."
"Joey, listen to me!" She said it in a hushed voice, but there was a quiet authority about the words. "This isn't… it doesn't have to be permanent. Maybe… maybe when I graduate… I don't know, we can see each other again and… we can see what happens, you know?"
"Not good enough. That's not enough Mary."
"Joey, you can't just stick your fingers in your ears and pretend like this isn't happening, okay?"
There was silence between them for several moments.
"There's another way. There is. We just have to… find it."
"Joey."
"Stop… stop just saying my name sadly like that. We're going to work this out. Mary, I'm not… you're my muse. I can't do what I do without you. The whole point of taking this break was to… to figure out what I was doing. To find my mojo. And the thing is, you are my mojo. And without you I'd just be… back where I started. Okay? Do you get that?"
"Joey, you can't just… that's not fair!" She was getting teary now, which was frustrating, because she'd promised herself she wouldn't cry till they'd gotten off the phone. "You can't rely on me to always be there just so you know who you are! You've got to find yourself without me! I can't be by your side all of the time! Even if we were in the same place, I couldn't do that."
"That's not… that's not what I'm asking! I just have to know that you're… out there. That you're out there supporting me, and that I get to talk to you when I need you, even if it's just… hearing your voice."
"I just… I don't think it's helping either of us anymore, Joey."
"You're wrong." He stopped, because he wasn't sure what else to say. "You're so wrong. It is helping me. It's everything to me."
Mary didn't say anything. She couldn't keep pushing this when she knew it was something that would break her heart. But it was better for both of them. It would be better.
"Mary, let's just take some time. Please. Just… a week or… something. Anything. Let's talk about it again after we take some time away to just think through things. Please."
She sniffed and steeled herself. "Okay. Just. We'll… let's think about things for a little while. And we'll… I'll call you in a week or so."
"Mary." It was his turn to sound forlorn. "Mary, we can work it out. I told you before, we were meant to be together, and I meant it."
"Mm." She bit her lip. "Yeah." She was so close to tears. "Joey, I… I have to go."
"Okay. Mary... I love you."
She just nodded, tears running down her cheeks, too choked up to answer him. She hung up instead.
-|xxx|-
Mary had been wracking her brains all day trying to figure out what his text message had meant. It was the first correspondence between them in over a week, and she felt like he was expecting her to know what to take away from it.
I'm sorry, I can't handle this anymore. We have to do something.
And that was all it had said. She'd tried to call him a few times, but he wasn't answering. She'd left voicemails, she'd texted him back, she'd even tried to get a hold of Dustin a few times, but nothing seemed to be helping.
When she'd spoken to Tami, her friend had explained that she'd not seen Joey and Dustin since the day before, and Tami couldn't get a hold of her own boyfriend either. They'd promised each other to call the moment they worked out what was going on.
As she was getting into her dorm building, her phone dinged with a text from Tami. It had been a tiring day, and she was usually long settled into her dorm by 7pm, but tonight she was struggling up the stairs loaded down with five grocery bags and a deep set need to collapse on her bed.
Despite all this, she manoeuvred her phone out of her pocket to look at Tami's text. In violation of her 'always take the stairs' policy, she stopped on the first floor and called the elevator. Thankfully, it opened right away and she stepped inside, letting her grocery bags drop gently to the ground and reaching for the 8th floor button. She finally turned her attention to her phone to see what Tami had to say.
Hey, everything's fine, I'm with Dustin now. He said that Joey is planning to get in contact with you tonight. I'll talk to you tomorrow. 3
And that was it. Mary rolled her eyes in frustration at how vague that was, after the panic they'd both been in earlier. She started to text Tami back, but the elevator dinged and the doors opened, so she shoved her phone back in her pocket and pre-occupied herself with picking up her bags and getting out into the hallway.
She walked to her door and fumbled her keys out of her pocket, finally stumbling through her doorway and dumping the bags on the floor by her mini fridge. She turned around to dump her handbag on her desk chair and jumped in fright.
"Argh!"
Joey stood up from her bed. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to startle you!"
"Oh my god!" She put a hand to her heart and took a deep breath. "Joey. How did you even get in here?"
"You're, uh, bathroom buddy let me in," he answered, pointing towards the door that led to the bathroom she shared with the two girls in the dorm next door. "I was camped out in the hall by your door and – Hallie? Was that her name? – anyway, she recognised me and said she'd be happy to let me into your dorm to wait for you in there. That was, uh–" he checked his watch, "two hours ago."
"Oh god, Joey, I'm so sorry, if I'd had any idea that you were here waiting for me, I'd–"
He smiled. "Mary, it's fine." He stood and put his hands on her arms. It felt good just to be touching. "I don't mind, I was just teasing. And waiting in here for a few hours was much easier than the hour and a half I was waiting for you in the hallway." He grinned teasingly. "I had to sit on the floor out there! At least your bed is comfortable!"
"Honestly Joey, you should have told me! I could have gotten out of my last rehearsal this afternoon! It was planned last minute anyway." She looked guilty and he just put his hand on her neck.
"Mary, it's fine, I promise. I didn't mind waiting." He looked away from her eyes, over her head. "And I was afraid you'd tell me not to come, if I had let you know. Like… well, like you did last week."
She buried her head in his chest and wrapped her arms around him. He settled his arms around her shoulders in turn.
"Joey, I'm so confused." Her voice was muffled, but he heard her regardless. "What are we supposed to do?"
He led her to the bed and they sat down together, one of his arms still around her shoulders.
"Mary, I hated not being able to speak to you this week. It was awful."
She didn't respond, just sniffed and looked at her hands. He moved his arm from around her and took her hand in his.
"Maybe it was easy for you. I don't know. I'm not sure if I could bear you actually saying that out loud to me, but I just know that I have had a hellish eight days not speaking to you. Eight days, Mary. I honestly… I don't want to have to go through that again, let alone all the time."
She still didn't look up or speak, so he continued, shuffling his position on the bed, so he was facing her, one knee propped up. "You know what I kept thinking? I was so caught up in how awful I was feeling all the time, and I had all these intense emotions about our relationship and I just kept thinking, 'I'll call Mary and tell her about it.' But I couldn't. And that was the worst part. You were the person I wanted to share it all with and that was the last thing I was supposed to be doing."
She opened her mouth as if to respond, and then closed it again. He creased his eyebrows at her in question. She looked at him for a minute before trying again. "I… don't… I'm…" She took a deep breath and started again. "It was horrible for me too. I hated it, and knowing that the last thing I'd said… or." She looked sadly up at him from under her eyelashes. "Well, the thing that I didn't say!"
He looked at her confusedly, so she continued. "You told me you loved me! And… I was so upset, I couldn't say anything, and I just… hung up. Instead of telling you that I love you too Joey."
He let out a breath and pulled her into a hug. "Mary, babe, I know you love me. And I knew why you couldn't say it. I knew you were hurting too much. I'm hurting too. I… I'm so afraid of what's going to happen with us. I don't… the last thing I want is for this to be over. The last thing," he emphasised, holding her at arm's length and making sure she was looking into his eyes.
"Joey, it's not that simple! I don't want that either!"
"Then we'll find a way!" he insisted, still looking intensely into her eyes. She looked away uncomfortably. He dropped his hands and relaxed against her pillows.
"Joey, I just don't know how much longer I can do the whole long distance thing." She looked at him sadly again. He hated that look on her. He'd prefer that she be happy all the time. "With you being on the other side of the country, I can never figure out what's going on with you. I just see pictures and gossip columns and shit everywhere, I feel like I can't escape. And it's like, every time I don't happen to see your face somewhere, with some other girl, one of the five people at school who actually know I'm dating Joey Parker just feel like they have to go ahead and shove it in my face."
Joey frowned, his brow furrowed. "Wait. Is that what this is about? That other people think I'm cheating on you?" Anger was creeping up on him, which was not good. He had to keep this as non-hostile as possible.
She looked hurt by that. "No! Not… not really! I don't know!" That hurt him, that she couldn't even admit it to herself. "It's much more than that. Yes, it does bother me, because it makes my friends think that I'm… I don't know, that I don't value myself or something." She took his hand, an intimate gesture at least. "But Joey, honestly, it's more than that. I want to be able to… I don't know, come home from classes every night and have you here telling me stories about so and so crazy fan that you ran into today that did such and such. Then I'd know. But… life can't be like that. Not right now."
"Well." This was the moment. He'd talked to Dustin about it, they'd been up all night discussing the possibilities, he had the green light from Tami, it was just… Mary. He had to convince Mary it was a good idea. "What if life could be like that?"
She furrowed her brow. "It can't Joey. You have to start being realistic, we can't keep living in a fantasy world where everything works out fine."
"I'm…" He sighed, took a deep breath in. "I don't mean in some far off fantasy land Mary. What if… well, what if I moved to New York?"
She froze. She was looking at him one second, and the next she was looking right through him, her eyes glazed over, not moving a muscle.
"Mary." He squeezed her hand, which he was still holding. "What do you… think?"
She snapped back to herself, took one look at him and got up off her bed, turning away so he couldn't see her face. "I'm… not sure. I mean." She whirled back around. "Joey, you can't do that. You can't move to New York. Your career, your whole life is in Beverly Hills."
"No," Joey said seriously, shaking his head. "Actually, you're here, in New York. And look Mary, you can say what you want about it, but you're a big part of my life now. The biggest part. And I can't do this without you. I don't want to." She didn't respond. "I really don't want to," he added quietly.
She just stared at him. "So you're going to uproot your entire life and career to move to New York just so you can be closer to your girlfriend, who you only met in February? You're… you're acting like a lovestruck teenager!"
He rolled his eyes, standing up from the bed to get on her level. "I'm not sure if you realised this Mary, but I am a teenager!"
She spun away from him again, putting one hand on her hip and the other to her forehead in worry. "God, this is ridiculous!" Her hand was thrown into the air as she looked heavenward, like she was praying for something. "This is why you should have an actual adult for a manager! Maybe then you wouldn't make such ridiculously stupid decisions!" She turned around to punctuate her last words with a haughty look. "I suppose Dustin thinks this is a stellar idea! He'd probably love to come hang out in NYC with you for a while, see the sights, really get the feeling of what it's like to be a real New Yorker! He'd love that!"
She was pissing him off now. "Dustin's not even going to come, Mary. He wants to stay in Beverly Hills, with Tami. Speaking of lovestruck teenagers."
"Oh right, so you'll move here alone will you, and sit around for eight months waiting for me to finish high school? Joey, you can't honestly think this is a good idea!" She was gesturing around wildly with her hands as she spoke; that was how he knew she was riled up.
"I do!" he replied, raising his voice a little. "I do think it's a good idea, because I want to be with you, I want to prove to you that we can make this work! It's about compromise! And seeing as you can't exactly compromise on your high school education, because that's pretty damn important, I'm doing the compromising!"
"There are other ways to compromise you know. Uprooting your life and career for some teen romance is not one of them by the way," she added snarkily, narrowing her eyes at him.
"Oh right. That's all this is to you." He raised his arms as if to indicate their relationship. "A 'teen romance'." He added the air quotes and all. "I didn't realise our future together was something that you approached so flippantly."
"What future together?" she shouted, holding her own arms up in question. "I am seventeen years old Joey, what do you expect from me? Did you wanna get married next month, over Thanksgiving break maybe? Or were you going to fly me to Vegas as a surprise for my birthday in January? We could have a lovely winter themed wedding!" She put a hand to her head. "What is wrong with you?"
He took a step back from her and put his own hands on his hips, looking slightly to the left of her face; he didn't want to see the look of contempt there. He was sure the hurt was plain on his own face, and tears sprung to his eyes. God, he felt like an idiot. He turned partially away and wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. He heard Mary sigh, but he didn't look back at her.
"Joey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just… I don't want to be the reason you mess up your career. Don't do that for me." She sounded genuinely apologetic, but it didn't fix what was hurting inside him.
He looked sideways at her, both hands back on his hips. "How about, it's my choice what I do, and it's my career?"
"Well," Mary said carefully. "We're both in this relationship. And… I just… that's not what I want for us right now."
"Mary, there's not another option." She opened her mouth to speak, but he just held a hand out to stop her. "No, breaking up is not a compromise. That's just an ending. And I am not up for that, just so we're clear. I will fight till I die before I let that happen, okay? Do you understand?" He looked at her pointedly, to make sure she knew he was serious.
She sighed. "Okay. Yes Joey, I understand. I don't… I don't agree with you. But I don't want to break up either! I just… you'll move here, you'll live in some boring apartment alone and you'll have nothing to do. Dustin won't even be here to run your life, and you'll resent me for it! I just want you to remember, when that happens, that I was not on board with this plan!"
He rolled his eyes and sat back down on the bed. "That is my problem. And I will not resent you! Mary, I love you. What about that are you not getting? I am choosing to do this. And your resistance is duly noted, okay?"
She nodded and sat next to him again. "Well, I'm not going to stop convincing you not to come."
"And I won't start listening. Now," he placed his hand on the back of her neck. "I don't believe you have given me a proper New York greeting just yet."
She rolled her eyes and grinned, despite herself. "You are a real handful, you know that?"
"Oh, I know." He just smirked and pulled her in for a kiss.
-|xxx|-
May 2009
She sighed. "Joey, it won't be if I come with you. Honestly, I'll be in hell knowing what I could have had, and wondering where else I could be!" She stood and crossed the space between them to sit beside him. She took his hand, but he didn't look up at her, just stared at the floor between his elbows.
"Joey, I don't want to spend that much time away from you. I don't. I love you. You know that. And when you come home, we'll move in together like we talked about; we'll get a little apartment and fill it with shit that reminds us of us. And we'll get to go to bed together and wake up next to each other every morning, just like you want. And it will be perfect.
"But we can't do that just yet." She leaned into him, her head resting on his shoulder.
"It's something to look forward to," he conceded with a sigh, slinging an arm around her and pulling her into his chest for a hug. "Are you gonna be okay here in the city on your own?"
Mary smiled. "I won't be alone! Tami will be here. And we'll miss the two of you together." She sat up, a hand still on his chest. "Another good reason, by the way, that I could not possibly go with you. It would be positively cruel for us to all go off together and leave Tami here on her own!"
"Oh come on, Tami is always welcome to be wherever Dustin is. And oftentimes where he's not, also. She's much more tolerable most of the time." He grinned.
"Like she would give up school at Parsons to follow her boyfriend and his diva best friend around on some stupid tour," Mary said, punctuating with an eye roll.
Joey looked shocked and offended. "Are you calling me a diva?"
Mary nodded. "One hundred per cent, yes. Definitely." She grinned as he lunged for her and started tickling her as punishment.
"You're gonna get it now, Mary Santiago!" She screeched and started hitting his hands, but he didn't stop until she was giggling madly, him kneeling over her on the couch.
When he finally stopped, she took a minute to catch her breath, smiling up at him. He surveyed her seriously. "I just… I'll miss you so much." He looked so sad, she almost felt sorry for him. Except he'd be the one off living like a rock star on tour, while she stayed in New York and worked her ass off, dancing for Alvin Ailey. So she rolled her eyes instead and pulled him down for a kiss.
It seemed to distract him for a moment. When he pulled away, she said, "Joey, of course you'll miss me. I'll miss you! But we'll see each other. You'll be back for Christmas. I can come visit you when you're in cities on this side of the country! And hey, maybe I can get some time off next year to come with you to Europe. Just for a couple of weeks of course, but it's something! We'll see each other!"
He sighed and lifted himself off of her, sitting back on the couch. She sat up too, her legs slung over his. "I know. I know we'll work things out. We can work it out." He shook his head, like he was clearing it, and looked over at her. "When are you starting with Alvin Ailey?"
Mary's smile grew. "Well, I don't start till after their summer season! They spend from about March through June getting ready for the season, so they don't start training new recruits until around October! So I've got a few months!"
Joey smiled too then. "Okay. October. I can work with that. And then I'll come home for Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and then if you come see me in, you know, February or around then. And then I'll be back for the summer season, to see you perform!" He could handle this. October. He had till October. "The tour doesn't start till August, so we've got a couple months to just spend some time together! We could go somewhere crazy, the four of us! Like Hawaii! Have you been to Hawaii? You would love it there, Mary!"
Mary laughed and put her hands on his chest. "Calm down Joey. We've got plenty of time to talk through all of that! I've got exams to get through!"
"Right. Yes. And I have an album to finish recording." He smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. I got a bit carried away." He fell silent for a second, but his insecurities got the best of him. "But you're into this, right? We spend the summer together?"
Mary smiled and ran her fingers through his hair. "Joey, that sounds amazing." She leaned in and kissed him, his arms wrapping around her and pulling her closer.
-|xxx|-
