Not supposed to love you.
A Merlin/Morgana songfic after series 3. On a rainy night both Merlin and Morgana ponder their lingering feelings. Angst.
AN: Wow, it's been a while since I've written anything...
I own nothing. Not the show characters or the song.
I was listening to this song the other day and this idea just came out of no-where, I think it fits. It's raining outside at the moment so the weather is helping me write this... sort of. Lines in italics are the lyrics.
Morgana OOC? You tell me.
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She wakes abruptly, the nightmares shaking her from sleep once more. Sitting up in bed she looks around at the silent room, her heart hoping for the one she can never again have.
Merlin.
His name tastes bitter on her tongue now. She sighs mournfully and throws off the blankets; she knows that sleep will not come to her now. The stone floor of her chamber is cold against her foot yet she hardly notices it as she crosses the room and steps out onto the small balcony. It is raining and before long she is dripping, but the cold is only a distraction from the pain in her heart.
Standing alone in Morgause's fortress she looks towards Camelot, a single testament to her heartbreak making its lonely way down her pale face.
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In Camelot a young warlock is also restless, thinking about the one he lost. Looking out into the rain lashing at the window, as though it is angry at the castle or those inside.
We agreed that it was over
Now the lines have all been drawn
He remembers their agreement, it had been a few weeks after the almost death of her half-sister. They had met a final time in a forest that had once belonged to Cenred.
"We can't do this anymore Merlin," her voice had been a mere whisper
"I know, you have chosen your way, and I mine." He had felt as though he had something caught in his throat as he tried to speak.
She had pressed a chaste kiss to his mouth, a silent good-bye, and then had walked away. He went back behind his line, she behind hers.
The vows we made
Began to fade
But now they're gone
A bitter smile twists his lips at the promise she had once made him, that she would marry him as soon as Uther died. Arthur won't mind that you have no noble blood. He supposed he should have known it was too good to be true. The divisions between them had begun to show before the sleeping enchantment. She had stopped opening her heart to him. Eventually they had stopped talking at all.
Put your pictures in a shoebox
And my gold ring in a drawer
Once Morgause had taken her, Merlin had packed away everything that reminded her of him, pieces of paper where they would practice magic together, letters carried through Gaius when Uther went through protective phases while trying to find her a husband.
And the ring she had once given to him. A promise ring her voice whispers through his mind.
It all resided in a small box concealed under a loose floorboard of his bedroom, gathering dust.
I'm not supposed to love you anymore
They were supposed to be enemies now.
Now, Sherry says she's jealous
Of this freedom that I've found
Gaius told him that she had been jealous of his entwined destiny with Arthur, and the fact that he accepted that he had to hide his magic, whereas she hated lying to everyone, she wanted to be recognised for what she was.
If she were me
She would be
Out on the town
The old mentor had said that if she had his immense power then she would have taken Camelot from the father who had lied to her.
And she says she can't imagine
What on earth I'm waitin' for
Morgana had once asked why he didn't just take Camelot for himself. What are you waiting for? That had been after her return to Camelot, as a changed woman.
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I'm not supposed to love you anymore
She was supposed to want him dead.
Oh, I shouldn't care or wonder where
And how you are
Standing in the rain she couldn't help herself, she couldn't help but wonder, was he in Camelot still? And how was he?
She berates her foolish heart for these thoughts but she cannot shake them off.
But I can't hide
This hurt inside
My broken heart
Another tear mingles with the rain on her skin. She didn't care that she wasn't supposed to think about him, she couldn't lie to herself. Her heart had never healed after he had poisoned her.
I'm fightin' back emotions
That I've never fought before
Morgana fought back the urge to sink to the floor and pour out her feelings in tears, it would not do for her sister to know she was still linked to an enemy. Back in Camelot she had never denied her feelings for him, but what choice did she have now?
'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore
She shouldn't still feel like this for him.
Now I'm writin' you this letter
And it's killin' me tonight
Going back inside she goes to her desk and sits, pushing her wet curls from her face. She picks up her pen with shaking fingers and begins to write. 'I wish things could be different, I'm sorry for how things are between us but it cannot change...'
That I agreed when you believed
It wasn't right
They had said hadn't they? That there could be nothing between them anymore. But yet it felt like a knife through her heart that they had done so. Morgana stood and changed into daywear, she had to do something to shake the thoughts of him that kept coming back. Walking from her chambers, though her heart ached, she did not look back.
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And I couldn't sleep up on the bed
So I'm down here on the floor
Merlin hadn't been able to sleep on his bed, or his room. Getting past Gaius had been easy enough. Now he was in Morgana's old chambers. It looking like she hadn't been gone a day. The door clicked shut behind him and he stumbled backwards against it. Sinking to the floor he tried to deal with the emotions crashing through him.
Where I'm not supposed to love you anymore
Gaius said he'd get over her easily, but he had been very wrong.
Oh, I shouldn't care or wonder where
And how you are
He can't help it, though he knows he shouldn't
"Where are you Morgana?" his whisper fading into the silence of the room, he should have been able to stop wondering.
But I can't hide
This hurt inside
My broken heart
He couldn't keep it inside, how much he hurt. How much he still hurt, even now. Broken though it was, his heart kept beating, for her.
I'm fightin' back emotions
That I've never fought before
Merlin fought the emotions, something he had never been used to. He fought back the tears.
'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore
He lost that fight. As the tears spilled the young warlock put his arms on his upraised knees and pressed his face into them. His shoulders shook as he cried for the woman he used to know, the one he still loved, though he knew he shouldn't.
I'm fightin' back emotions
That I've never fought before
'Cause I'm not supposed to love you anymore
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Thanks for reading :-) Sorry about all the angst...
S
