He remembered when it started; when his brother began to fall in love. His pace grew exceedingly faster and faster until he was past the horizon. Then all Kaoru could do was stand there and watch the sunset alone.
He stared out to the sea, wondering if he should throw himself in. His brother certainly wouldn't notice. Kaoru had been silently crying himself to sleep every night after Hikaru told him they shouldn't sleep together anymore. In fact, Hikaru also told him they shouldn't hold hands anymore.
Kaoru blamed it on Haruhi. She would think it was weird, right? So Hikaru didn't do it. These thoughts only worsened Kaoru's feelings. He despised that he pushed the blame on Haruhi, trying to find a scapegoat so he could feel even the tiniest bit better.
He couldn't help but wonder, was it his fault? What did he do that could've made the only person he ever needed to leave? His twin didn't even notice his brother's absence at the host club sometimes during breaks, or when Kaoru disappeared to sob in a bathroom stall at the loneliness eating away at him.
The people who did notice didn't realize how isolated Kaoru felt. Tamaki lent an ear to listen, but Kaoru wouldn't talk; Honey-senpai tried to give him cake, but the taller boy refused to eat anything; His mother and Kyoya suggested a therapist, but Kaoru ended up snapping at them and storming out; Haruhi tried to talk to him, but Kaoru couldn't look at her without being regretfully envious; Hell, even Renge tried to help him. But he got nothing from his brother.
He stopped thinking Hikaru even cared.
One night, feeling especially empty, he felt terrified he was just a shell, an empty object in which life had already faded. He needed to make sure he was still human.
It started with just a simple twitching in his hands. He didn't think much of it until his hands crept up to his scalp. Then next thing he knew, he was scratching his scalp. It hurt, yes, but he loved it. He loved the feeling of being alive and the reassurance that he wasn't empty. He needed more of it.
He scratched and clawed at his arms, so much he started to bleed. He pressed his nails down harder as he wondered if Kyoya was going to take the twins' package off of the options in the host club because of the distance between them. He had never been more glad to have long-sleeved uniforms.
Kaoru thought of everyone as strangers. He couldn't recognize them anymore. They were all blurred together by pity and worry that he didn't want. It was eternal suffering. He really loved his brother and he thought those feelings were reciprocated, but Hikaru was too blinded by his own fantasies to notice how he shattered his brother's heart.
The night Kyoya took the Brotherly Love package off of the options, Haruhi and Hikaru went on a date, leaving Kaoru alone again. He decided to try something new. Kaoru grabbed a pair of scissors and attacked his arms and legs. He was a bloody mess and he wouldn't stop bleeding. What if he didn't stop? It was stupid that the thought had only occurred after he committed the act and he wished he'd thought it through.
Well, he was correct. He didn't stop. The warm, sticky red liquid only kept gushing out. He started to panic. He called out in fear, in terror of disappearing without anyone knowing he was there, in his previously shared bedroom by himself.
His worried mother answered his cried, who screamed at the sight of his mangled body. She called the ambulance and they took him away with his mother crying by his side. He begged her not to tell Hikaru, to not disturb his date for him. She agreed, although reluctantly, to not tell anyone what happened.
He stopped talking after that day. He stayed in the host club, but his charm was now being a, quite literal, silent boy. Yes, Mori was the silent type as well, but he was untouchable, and Kaoru was the perfect candidate as a mysterious mute. Although, all the girls who requested him could detect an underlying loneliness that glazed his eyes when someone mentioned his twin or Hikaru passed by. It was an unspoken rule that no one mention Hikaru near Kaoru and that no one ever asked about the week he was gone from the host club. No one really knew of what happened, but that didn't stop rumors.
Their bond was only blood, and blood is something Kaoru didn't want to think about ever again.
