Pony: I am redoing all the chapters! Yay! I couldn't bear the horribleness of them. So anyway, this is sticking true to the end of the book, but not true to the new trilogy that is coming out. Anyway, if you've already read this once, you'll recognize chunks of the chapters, but I'd suggest reading them through again. I added quite a bit. Also, I'm going to attempt to listen to the reviews you darlings gave me. (:

Poneh: We don't own Sonea, Dorrien or any other character in this story. They belong to the wonderful Trudi Canavan.

Holding On


Chapter 1: The First Step to Moving on is Denial

Sonea opened her eyes, wishing she hadn't. The previous few days flooded through her, causing her to curl in a ball, wishing to feel him next to her. Even though they had been together such a short time, she still expected to see him wherever she looked. Perhaps it was because, even before she knew him she always looked for him. However, no amount of wishing would bring him back. A weak moan escaped her lips. Her throat was sore from crying and her eyes stung as light filtered in through the window.

"It's time to wake up, Lady Sonea." The servant said fearfully, staying back from the Black Magician. Last time she had touched Sonea to wake her she had nearly received a broken arm. Sonea had apologized profusely and healed the bruises, but Tania was still careful now. She had known Sonea since she first entered the Guild, and the changes in her young mistress distressed her.

Sonea was no longer the young girl from the slums, ignorant of the magicians problems, only looking out for herself. It seemed like overnight, the novice had taken on the weight of the guild. She had sacrificed everything she loved to save the people who were now treating her like a disease. Over the past few days, Magicians had tried to get in to talk to the young black magician, and Tania had resorted to asking Rothen to lock the door and place a ward on it so none could enter uninvited.

Tania didn't know the details of what had happened since Sonea became Akkarin's apprentice. She doubted she would ever understand what had caused the girl to wake up in such a fright that she instinctively lashed out at everyone around her. Whatever it was, Tania could only wait and pray that her mistress would grow to trust the world around her again – if the world around her could accept her.

"Of course, Tania." Sonea sat up, taking the bitter drink from the servant. She felt her senses numbed and felt almost giddy with relief. She didn't know what was in the drink, and truthfully she didn't care. It almost made her feel alive again. When the liquid was gone, she looked up at the servant and nodded.

Tania was holding her new robes. Just a week ago she had felt like an imposter wearing the robes of a full magician. Now it felt odd to don the robes of an apprentice. She was not an apprentice anymore. She would not be attending classes with the rest of her year. What would she do if she was expected to step back into her role as dutiful novice?

She had seen more horror than any of the other magicians. No, that wasn't fair. The Guild Magicians had fought the Ichani without any hope of winning. They had laid their lives at risk just as she had. Many had lost family and friends, brother and sisters, lovers, husbands, and wives. Still, she had given up the most. Only one person had given more than she had, and he was dead.

The robes slipped over her head and she felt the cloth against her skin. Her throat constricted. Akkarin's Colors…Why did they make me wear them… She held back the tears with a slow stream of Healing power. It didn't erase the memory, but at least it eased her sore throat and itchy eyes. Feeling refreshed, she looked at Tania.

"Lord Rothen and Lord Dorrien are here to see you, my lady." She said, smiling at the young magician. "And you do look lovely."

"Thank you, Tania." She regarded the servant carefully. She knew Tania was worried about her, and summoned a smile that she hoped would reassure the woman. It felt more like a grimace, though. She ignored the plate waiting for her on the table and swept out of the room into the entrance room where her old Mentor and his son were waiting.

"You look well, Sonea." Rothen regarded her curiously. She met his eyes briefly before flicking them away.

"Thank you, Rothen." She said quietly, looking at the floor beside his feet. She still felt as if she had betrayed him, even though there had been no other choice. She only hoped he understood that.

"Do you feel well, Sonea?" Dorrien asked. He looked nothing like his scholarly father. Dorrien was tanned and strong from working in his mountain village. And he gave that up for me… She refused to meet his eyes. She knew what she would find if she did. He had never stopped loving her, even after he found out about Akkarin. She could only ever love him as a friend. Would it be enough for him?

"Yes." She looked up at him and managed to squeeze out a smile. He grinned widely in response.

"He would not want you unhappy, Sonea." Dorrien said, walking across the room to sit across from her. Rothen nodded and Sonea's gut clenched. They acted like they knew him. Neither one had been willing to believe him when he spoke at his hearing. They had condemned him and her to exile rather than show any shred of trust. It wasn't fair, though. They had only wanted what was best for her. And even though they hadn't known him, she knew what Dorrien said was true. If he had loved her, he wouldn't want her to be depressed like this.

"I will see you later, Sonea. Dorrien. I have a meeting with the High Lord I'm going to be late for." Rothen strode out of the room. He looks so old… Sonea mused. She had only recently noticed his aging features. Dignified. She decided instead.

"I believe you spoke to the Higher Magicians the other day?" Dorrien asked when his father had left the room. She nodded, managing to keep eye contact.

"And they said I am to be your instructor? Along with Lady Vinara." She nodded once again. "Unless you'd rather someone else." He said. She smiled again and shook her head. She had been glad that the Head of Healers had still been willing to teach her. Of course, she was just glad she wouldn't be thrown out of the guild with her powers locked. She was a traitor, and would not have resisted. Of course, once she was out in the world again she wasn't sure how long she would be able to survive. She had gotten used to magic.

"It will be nice to have a friend around." She said softly. She reached out and put a hand on his arm. It was good to feel something real again. She had been lost in dreams for too long. "Can we begin today?"

"You're ready already? Are you sure?" His eyes widened. She did not seem to be upset at all. In fact, she looked as she had that day almost two years ago. It was disconcerting, to see her standing before him as if nothing had happened. Tania had warned them that she was a wreck, never leaving her room, eating only enough to keep some semblance of life.

"I'm fine, Dorrien. Why is everyone so worried about me? Besides," She took a few steps back, frowning. "I want to learn how to heal. There's so much pain right now. So, when do we start?"

"Tomorrow. You may think you're fine, but I'm still recovering from a few bruises." He lied. "I'll go speak to the High Lord and Lady Vinara to get the appropriate books." He embraced her tightly, her own arms hanging limp at her side. Instead of letting her go, he held her at arms length, studying her face intently. She blushed and looked away. Sonea knew he was trying to see past her façade, but she wouldn't let that happen.

"What's so interesting?" She asked, pushing his hands aside. She let her eyes meet his with defiance.

"I'm glad you're well, Sonea." He said. He turned abruptly and strode out the door. As soon as she could no longer hear his footsteps, she let the Healing magic stop. She couldn't find the strength to remain standing as tears threatened to consume her. She sank to the floor, one hand resting on the wall and the tears begin to flow down her cheeks.