AU after S3E7

DISCLAIMER: I don't own QAF, the characters…blah blah blah. You know the drill. If I had any right over these characters, the finale would have never have happened.


I'm pretty sure that even Debbie would have gotten tired of my drama, if I had made my way back there. I couldn't stay at Daphne's forever. Served me right. This is what happens when you depend on a man for all the necessities of life. A very important lesson that teenage girls are slowly being taught; someone should include gay guys into the target market for that particular PSA. From Dad's to Brian's to Debbie's to sort-of Brian's to Ethan's to Daphne's. And the housing crisis was the least of my problems.

I needed to grow up. I needed to sort my life out. The question was how the fuck to even begin doing that.

I saw Brian watching me as I fucked that guy last night. To be honest, watching Brian watch me was the biggest turn-on of the evening. Or maybe even the whole month. Not that I'm keeping track. Anyway. If last night didn't tell Brian what was going on (or not going on) in my relationship with Ethan, his caustic probing at the diner this morning certainly did.

What I told Daphne wasn't a lie; leaving Brian was a terrible mistake. But…at the same time, it wasn't. I loved Brian. Even when I was with Ethan…I mean, who am I kidding? I'll always be in love with Brian. First love, last love…not total bullshit, as it turns out. But what the fuck good was that? Brian didn't love me. I mean, ok, he did. Sort of. Maybe. Who in the fuck knew. Maybe I shared some exalted space with Michael and Lindsay, as the chosen lucky few. All I know is that Brian cares about me, a lot. Enough to pay for my tuition, even after I left him.

But he didn't care enough about me to ask me to stay. To stop tricking. To stop fucking around with every gay man in north eastern United States. I didn't care what Michael said about Brian loving me and blah blah blah. At the end of the day, whatever he felt, it wasn't enough to make him want to give me what I wanted.

And what I wanted was for him to want only me.

I wanted him to say that he loves me. That being with me is enough. But he's never going to say that. So…I had to live life my life on his terms. Or…

Or.

I had to figure out that 'or'.

Someone told me that a man knows when to ask for help. Ok, ok. We all know who said it; no need to dwell on people I can never have.

First things first. I needed a proper place to live.

1. Rent a place on my own

2. Debbie

3. Brian

4. Mom

5. Mel & Lindz

6. Daphne

The list pretty much ended there. The sum total of my life was one friend, one parent, and a host of people related to Brian. Whose name was the first to be crossed off the list. Bad enough things are what they are between us, bad enough he is paying for tuition…I couldn't as well ask him to sort out every other aspect of my life, especially seeing as how this entire mess was utterly foreseeable.

I knew who Brian was, I knew who dad was, I sure as fuck knew that I was just seventeen. Eighteen. Whatever. If I swallowed my principles, and wanting to be with Brian, maybe a business-arts double major at Dartmouth…

But noooo. I had to go and be myself.

Anyway. I'm getting distracted.

1. Rent a place on my own

2. Debbie

3. Mom

4. Mel & Lindz

5. Daphne

Mel and Lindz were expecting their second child, and it wouldn't have been fair to them in any event, to pitch them as a wall between myself and Brian. Besides, with Lindz and Gus there, he'd be in and out of that house. Ditto for Debbie.

1. Rent a place on my own

2. Mom

3. Daphne

I couldn't stay in Daphne's dorm room forever…maybe we could share an apartment, if I could make the money work and she started the next semester.

Or maybe, I needed to save every little penny, because I'm not some rich kid with a safety net anymore.

I moved into Mom's with as little fanfare as possible. I didn't tell a soul. Well, except for Daphne, obviously. Not even Debbie. I think she thought I was still living with Ethan. Everyone thought that, and I let them think that.

Well, until Brian fucking ruined it.

Debbie was there. I think Emmett was there, but I honestly can't remember. Pregnant Melanie and newly working Lindsay were there.

Debbie started it. She told me to take the night off. To go have fun with Ethan. I just thanked her for the night off. I was so casual about the whole thing.

"So you made up with the fiddler? White picket fences and eternity are back on the menu then? Congratulations."

I wanted to fucking kill him.

"Aw, Sunshine, did you and Ethan have a fight? Is everything ok?"

"Yeah Sunshine, is everything ok? Did the two of you make up?"

I really wanted to fucking kill him.

"Ethan and I broke up, Deb."

I really really wanted to fucking kill him.

And thus started the outpouring of condolences from everyone around the table. Well, every female around the table.

Brian just smirked. Leaned back, smirked, watched me squirm. Looked devilishly handsome, slick hair, fancy suit, check-mating me at every turn.

I was so mad at him. And so in love with him.

That's when I knew. I had to stop seeing him. I would end up doing something, saying something, and I'd end up back in his bed. And the same old story would start. Brian would fuck me, he'd also fuck every other guy in the Pennsylvania, and he would give me just enough to keep me coming back for more.

At the end of the day, it was deceptively easy. No one came to Mom's place. She lived across town. I lived so far from Liberty Avenue – and Tremont Street – running into the 'gang' was not bloody likely, unless I did it on purpose.

I stopped going to Babylon. I stopped going to Woody's. Emmett asked me once why I didn't come to Babylon anymore. I told him that it was because Brian was going to be there.

No one asked me questions after that.

I half hoped expected Brian to say something about that. He didn't. I hoped figured that maybe no one told him why I was ignoring my usual haunts.

I didn't want to quit Rage. But it was absurd to think that I could keep working on a comic based on Brian himself and still successfully extricate myself from orbiting around Brian. And there was the whole Michael factor. The idea that I could keep working with Michael and somehow be as far away from Brian was pure nonsense. Plus, it would be too much temptation for me.

So I told Michael that I couldn't work on Rage anymore. I told him he could find another artist to replace me. I think he was mad at me, but I'm not sure. I think he might have simultaneously been mad and relieved.

I walked home after that meeting with Michael. I hadn't expected it, but I felt hollow. Rage was my first…my first…it was mine. It was more than bringing somebody coffee; it was art, and it was mine, and it was fun, and it could have been the beginning of my career. It meant something to me. And now it was gone. All gone.

What a crock of shit it was, about love conquering all. Love didn't change anyone. People were who they were, and you either accepted that, or…

At times like this, I wondered if I was making yet another mistake. I was so good at that. Would I grow out of wanting Brian to be happy with just me, if I stayed with him long enough? Would Brian change eventually, if he realized how devoted I was to him? And the bashing…we both went through so much together, and he has done so much for me, and was I just being an unrealistic son of a bitch by wanting more than what the world could give me?

But…he hadn't change. And I hadn't stop wanting him to. I mean, l loved him for who he was, his fuck-the-world attitude, but I had always been fighting for the top spot when it came to him. Whether it was trying to steal his tricks, or King of Babylon nipple rings or whatever…it was all so he wouldn't want anyone else.

And yet, he still wanted others.

I would end up resenting it, and hating him, and loving him, all at the same time. I would end up driving him crazy, and driving myself crazy.

If I wasn't sure that I could be happy with Brian's terms, then I had no business hanging around him, hoping for heaven knows what.

I had to avoid the diner.

I got a job as a cashier in a supermarket. Across town. I told Deb that it paid me more. Which it didn't, but, whatever.

I didn't know what to do about the tuition. I didn't have any money to pay Brian back. Neither did Mom. It would be years before I would be able to think about paying him. He wouldn't stop with the tuition; if he paid it when I was with Ethan, he would pay it when I was without Ethan. Plus, his pride was involved.

There wasn't anything I could do, so I left it. Stick to the original contract; pay him back with interest after I start working. Till then, I was taking his money and running, which was probably worse than…worse than something, I don't know what. I decided to not think about it again until I had the outlines of a solution, which would not be for quite a while.

I started cutting down on my shifts, and after two months, I told Deb that I had to quit, because it was exhausting working two jobs and juggling school.

She asked me if I was quitting because Brian was at the diner.

I guess nothing is ever that easy.

I wanted to lie to her. I really did. But I couldn't. And, she'd never believe me in any event. So I told her that yes, I was trying to avoid Brian, because all of this was too much for me to handle.

She told me that Brian loved me. She told me that he would take me back if I went to him.

Hearing her say it broke my heart.

I knew that. I fucking knew that if I went to him, he'd take me back. I didn't want him to take me back. I wanted him to want to be with me. It wasn't my choice to leave. It was his. He practically told me to go with Ethan.

I was the twink who never went away. And that was fine, for a while. Because I had grand romantic notions, you see. I thought that if I persisted enough, stayed long enough, Brian would come around. He didn't.

No one saw me as having any amount of self-respect. No one saw me as having my own needs and wants that maybe should be met. Deb (and Michael and probably everybody else) thought that I should accept Brian's terms and that that should satisfy me. Because Brian was limited in how he showed - felt? - emotions, that should be ok, I should accept it and settle for that and be happy. What I wanted didn't count. Brian didn't think what I wanted amounted to anything either; that's why he told me to go with Ethan. He wasn't even going to make the effort, what I wanted didn't warrant even the effort.

Even Ethan. Look how many times you forgave Brian. That's what he flung in my face when we fought. Because. Of course. That was the story. Brian slept with whomever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and little Justin took it, accepted it, forgave him for it, and moved on. That was everyone's narrative.

What about what I wanted? When was that going to start to matter?

I told Deb that it didn't matter. That I knew he'd take me back, but I wanted to fall out of love with him instead.

She cried.

I cried.

She gave me my apron and told me that she hoped I'd find my way back someday.

I wasn't so sure that I would be able to.

I went home and cried all night.