Trigger-Warning: Suicide.
One
If you're reading this, then I'm certain I'm already dead. You'll have found my body hanging from the attic rafters, lifeless, maybe already cold. And, if you're reading this, you're all asking a very important question: why?
Why would A kill himself? He was so bright. He was first in line. He had so many friends. Why?
As with many things in life, there is no one answer. No, nothing can singularly explain that which I have done. So let me break it down to you. Look. See the extra papers? Of course you do. You're the world's brightest detectives in training, aren't you? Count them. Figure it out for yourself.
Or don't. I don't really care.
But I won't waste any more of your time. No, not today. Sweet, quiet little A isn't so sweet and quiet anymore. So let's get started. And Quillsh Wammy? I'm not even sure where to begin with you.
I like to think you weren't always this way, that at one point you maybe did have a heart. After all, you had to have to have adopted L, right? He was only a child, maybe three or four. Granted, I suppose all of us were that way when you found us. I like to think you didn't see him as a tool. That you saw him as a scared little kid in need of a loving home, one you didn't provide for him. One you didn't provide for any of us.
Did you know he would be the world's greatest detective? Did you know he'd be as smart as he turned out to be? Well you had to have. Otherwise you wouldn't have put him through so much studying, so many days without sleep, so much pressure. You wouldn't have adopted any of us to be backups for him, now would you?
I was five when my parents were killed. I was five when you found me. I was five the last time I had any hope in the human race. You said you were there to help me. You tested me. You said I scored well enough to be taken in by you. You took my name away. You called me Alternate, sometimes A. I did nothing but study and study and study. I cracked everything you gave me. And still I would never be good enough to be the great L.
And we were all like that, weren't we? Living in a shadow of a man we barely knew. Living in a shadow of a reputation, something some would doubt even existed. I can only imagine what you put him through.
But I wasn't alone for long. No, you brought me a friend, a Backup to the Alternate. And you pitted us against each other, told us only one could succeed the great L in the future.
Were you always this cold and secretive, Watari, as you're known to the public now? Have you always viewed children as nothing more than tools to obtain the goals you have? But why would you? You get none of the credit. Oh no, that all goes to L. So why do it then? Why give us a glimmer of hope only to take it away? Why pit us against one another? Why take our names?
I guess I'll never know. It's likely those there now will never know either. I only hope it was L or Roger or you who found me. Because Mello, Near, Linda, and Matt? They don't need that. They've already been screwed over enough just by being brought here by you. And Backup? We know he's walking a fine line. We know he's a second away from snapping.
And this might be what finally undoes him.
You should blame yourself for that one too.
