He will. They all have. How can this time be any different?
It won't be any different, you are the world's biggest fucking screw up and you are sure as hell that you're going to do something to make him turn on you.
You just know.
There is no logical explanation for why things play out the way they do. Maybe God is playing a cruel joke on you, just to make you suffer. To make your life a miserable existence that you will have to live through.
You are KARKAT VANTAS and you have just been kicked out of society, your friends have turned their backs on you. They won't even open the door when you show up in person, you always leave with a sinking feeling that worms it's way into your beating bloodpusher and even further down into your stomach.
You want to cry, but you've cried too much that you have no more tears to shed. Not another drop of red will fall, not now...and certainly not in the future either. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't do it again.
You've been broken down and beaten, shoved away, and thrown unceramoniously out on your ass by the very people who you believed were your friends.
You feel empty, almost numb inside after the latest attempt. No one wants to seek you out, not unless it was to scorn you in person. You've had it hard and you're tired of all the shit you've been through, some days you just sit around and hope that whatever mystical being that was tugging your strings would just strike you down. That he will put you out of your misery like the wounded animal you know you're turning into, you don't want to but there's not a damned thing you could do about it.
You no longer eat more than once every twenty four hours, sleeping away the rest of the time that your body isn't demanding food of you. Though, you don't always want to eat, hoping that somehow that your lack of eating will permit you to just die off in a painless manner. But you still hang around, sleeping in your recuperacoon just to be doing something other than just being a useless sack of bones and flesh.
You have grown considerably thinner over the passing weeks, even despite Crabdad's attempt to get you to eat more than once a day. There's little that your lusus could do to convince you to eat, despite the food he brings and the attempts he makes to get you to eat. Surely, you're intent to make yourself suffer. There's no reason why you shouldn't, since it's your own fault that you have no friends. Half the time, you're sure your lusus wants to give up on you for being so stubborn.
It's a wonder that Crabdad has yet to, but you shouldn't be surprised. You know that the only way he'll leave is if he dies, but that's not likely to happen anytime soon. You're grateful that he's still around...even if you won't admit it, you need the comfort of his presence since he's all you have now. Even if it won't last forever, you're still glad...
You want to be coddled by him as you were when you were just a grub, hiding in the shelter of his shadow and behind his powerful claws from the monsters of the world.
How you wish you could turn back the clock and fix everything...but it's too late and you know you can't. Not even if you talk to your past self, you know that you won't listen. You are alone now, stubborn and just as angry as ever. Even more so since you quit eating, quit talking, and quit doing anything but sleeping except when you need to eat. Though you eat less and less every day, your body sucking out the nutrients it needs from your skin and making your gray flesh tighten up considerably around your bones. Especially around your torso, though it's just now barely starting to show.
