My name is Justice Freedom Joy America, and this is my story.
The year was 1787, the day was May the fifth. For those of you who are ACTUALLY familiar with American history, that was the first day of the constitutional convention. I'm not even going to add that though.)
It was the first day of the constitutional convention.
Tensions were high. Like, SUPER high. Like, almost that kind of sexual tension that you experience with another teenager in the grocery store. Not that I'm a teenager. I actually died in 1832 and was already in my mid 200s by this time, so I was 100% legal at this point. (*wink wink nudge nudge* *Not a fucking lemon you sick fucks get your fucking minds out of the proverbial gutter**) ANYWAYS, I had the absolute blessing of being invited to this convention by none other than Alexander Hamilton himself. I was invited as the spiritual consultant for whatever the hell we were doing. Freeing the mole people who lived under the capital, or whatever.
For several years I had been running a very unsuccessful store for basic magic supplies. I catered to the needs of local wiccans, witches, warlocks, satanists, etc. But now was my time to really show that apathetic, pile of cinders I called my fire of passion.
It was 3 am. I think. This was 17 fucking 87, I didn't have a wristwatch.
So I looked at the sundial I had permanently implanted into my arm, but it was totally useless since the sun wasn't even OUT yet.
"Useless sundial." I fumed pushing the long locks of my pointed black hair that I will henceforth refer to as my quills away from my eyes. My chariot was supposed to be here by now. I rolled my amber, gray, blue, orange eyes towards the ground, so it looked more like I was looking forlornly at the ground but I have a sigma or something with my eyes so #don'tjudge. I was really annoyed.
Suddenly, a huge ass gap in the earth tore my fucking driveway apart and my chariot came out of the ground, surrounded by a black mist. The Hell Horse Orphnaeus touched noses with me and I pushed him away.
"Control yourself you animal" I blushed, my cheeks turning a deep forest green. The color of a green forest. I looked up at my chariot driver.
"Sup"
"Hades? What the HELL?" I screamed, brushing off the black mist the horse had left on my left cheek. My face cheek.
"Dude, chill it's like, 3 am. I think." He said picking me up gently by the neck.
"asdFDSGJ" I gasped. He dropped me onto the floor, blushing a deep forest gray.
"Sorry, I didn't know how else to make you be quiet. I'd hate to wake up your neighbor over there." He said one of his thumbs gesturing to the saguaro cactus I had stolen on one of my many adventures to the wild west. I made a waving gesture to indicate that it was fine.
"He's fine. Sometimes I have to register noise complaints, so I don't feel bad if he wakes up TBH." Hades shrugged and gave my cactus the 'I'm watching you' face which consisted of him barring his fangs and performing and elaborate apache war dance. I gave him a questioning look, my eyes full of questioning.
"What? Cultural appropriation is fine if you're the God of the Underworld."
I shook my head vigorously, displaying my blatant disgust for the patriarchy.
"Just get in the chariot." He sighed. I also sighed. The space between us was filled with sigh. It smelled like roses. And embalming fluid. I heaved my scuba equipment onto the death machine. Hades glanced at my shoes, a questioning look in the black hole that was his mouth. I looked at my neon pink flippers.
"No, the shoes are not too much.' I fumed. ' They are the height of fashion and functionality." I had to defend the honor of my shoes. Hades ignored me, and reached into his pocket, pulling out a roll of batman themed duct tape. I snatched it out of his hands.
"Yeah, yeah I know what to do." I artfully ripped a piece off and threw the roll onto the street before smoothing the tape over my mouth.
"I actually wanted the rest of that roll. You could have just handed it back to me." He mumbled, then took the reins made from braided daisy chains into his talons.
We were on our way to the constitutional convention! I was so excited, I wanted to scream but the duct tape made that super duper hard to do. This was the next chapter of my life and I was ready to start it off right. My quills rustled in the wind, making beautiful metallic windchimey sounds in the crisp night air. This was exactly what I wanted to be doing. Duct taped, with my scuba gear and the God of death driving me to my personal equivalent of Junior Prom. The prom I never got to attend due to a tragic snowblower accident in my living room. I absentmindedly stroked my hook hand with my non hook hand. Tragic. I lost my favorite hand hook that night. It was the red velvet one with real live salamanders tied to the base. *sigh*
