It hurts you know. I have everything I've ever wanted, I'm the mate of the Marrok, second only to him...
My victory tastes like ashes.
He'll never love me. Never care for me. I am a replacement, a tool. I know what he's done and that only makes it worse, I know what I am. There was a time when that didn't bother me, but now I can barely stand to look at him. Or myself.
It was my fault as much as his. He's hurt me, but I could have changed that. People talk about love as though it is set in the stars. It isn't. I could have made him love me, just a little; Just enough to soften that cold indifferent gaze. I would settle for respect.
Once, I wouldn't settle at all.
They think I'm ice, don't they know how much it hurts when I hear them speak of me? They never do it to my face, too respectful towards him. That hurts worst of all.
I know what I am. After all these years I could hardly avoid it, but don't they understand?
I'm the best mate he could ever ask for. I am what he needs more than anything else. I don't make him happy, but I keep him content. I suppose that is enough.
I know he still loves her. I know why. She was more beautiful and exotic than I could ever be and she was kinder than I could ever bring myself to be.
So, all of you, feel free to judge me. Make scathing remarks, bare your teeth at my back and privately complain to Bran about me.
It doesn't matter.
I may be eating ashes, but the rest of you are eating mud. Let me keep my delusions.
If I don't he won't be the only one going mad...
When I see him with his sons and his friends, I see him relax. He'll never do it completely around me, but I see it. I am not so stupid after all, hmm?
He has no idea how angry it makes me. That just by virtue of existing they have more than I have. Something that shouldn't be possible.
He can never read this. He's hurt me. Stripped me of everything... everything except my pride.
I am sorry for agreeing to this sham.
I am a person, I have emotions!
I used to anyway.
I can't bring myself to feel anymore. While I see him confident and sure, it seems my life is slipping more every day. I see myself clawing to keep him and only making him push me away harder.
Well, I've had enough.
Damn him. Damn being a good mate.
I don't care anymore.
The sad thing is, I don't think he's taken enough notice of me to be aware of any change.
Well, Bran, take note of this.
Nothing belongs to me.
