Alone. I am alone. I have always been alone and I always will be. The Varden comes first, and I do not regret that but sometimes, in my few moments that are not full of activity I think about it and my heart breaks.
What does it break for? I have never known love, how can I be deprived of it? I long for something I have never had. It does not seem logical.
Logic! My days are ruled by logic! Logic, strategies, wisdom I pray I have. I try to deny my emotions, never make decisions based upon them, but at times they burst forth and I must fight to keep my composure.
I, who won the trial of the long knives, am bested by my own feelings? It sounds ridiculous. And yet, here I stand, forcing back tears.
The only person ever to love me was my father, and he is gone. Eragon views me as a friend...and his liege lord. And that is how it ought to be. I must not allow anyone to get in the way of myself leading the Varden to victory. If I say it, I will believe it.
Murtagh...no, I must not even allow my mind to wander there. He is our enemy, a piece in the game I play, nothing more. Is there anything that is more?
In an hour I will speak with Orrin. I should ask him for his hand in marriage. It would be beneficial to have such an alliance...but I cannot. There are some things I cannot do.
Choke back the tears, Nasuada, you do not have time for this. Go to your tent, study the maps again. Or visit Jeod! Ask him about how he and Brom got into the castle to steal the egg. Or talk to Eragon about the eldunarya. Do something! You have an hour of time, do something productive with it.
Or perhaps not. Perhaps I will simply lie here and look at the sky for once.
I'll take five minutes, just for myself. Five minutes.
Was it any good? Constructive criticism welcomed!
