SPOOF!

The AFTER Math….

Why am I here? I thought. Why? Because of that stupid Imprint. Imprint? Well for you less brainy individuals its pretty much Love at First Sight. Yah you heard me right, there is such thing. SO With whom? Well, with my best friend's once toddler daughter. NOW! Before you punch me scream Pedophile and call the cops (Yes I've had people do that…) I CAN EXPLAIN! She's 15 now and I don't love her THAT WAY… At least not yet (O.O) well I don't think ill ever really love her THAT way. ANY WAY! My love for her is kinda like the Godfather (Or what ever the hell you call it) making sure that precious little bundle of Joy (IN this case vampire/human) Iz Ok. Sadly that also means I have to travel to dumb Fucking places (Like London England) In search of said STUPID bundle of joy, in hopes of finding said person and in the process finding out stupid things that I never even thought of. Wait I'm getting ahead of myself. You see, this all started out in Forks, Washington. I'd just come back from a "friend's" house (*cough* Leah *cough*) and was tired from a night of "pleasure and poker" and got a oh so unnecessary call from said bundle of joy aka Renesmee (Nessie) who was at the airport using granddaddy's credit card to catch a flight to London.

"JAKE! Guess What?!?" She greeted me excitedly. OH GOD!

"Nessie where the hell are you? Your Parents are calling me nonstop and I think im gonna go Awl!" I yelled into the phone. She laughed on the other end apparently she wasn't hearing the seriousness in my voice.

"IM at the airport! I'm getting on the next flight to LONDON!" She said/yelled like it was a good thing.

"WHAT THE…! You will not get on the Fucking plane!" I said pissed. WTF Nessie?

"Jakie…I-…" She Started I cut her off.

"GET YOU HYBRID ASS OUT OF THE AIRPORT AND BACK HOME YOUNG LADY!" I Screamed into the Phone. This was probably a bad thing to say at the moment but I was pissed, tired, had to pee, and I was sick of this teenage crap.

"Fuck Off Jacob" She yelled into the phone "I'm Not a baby any more!" Then she hung up. I held the dead phone in my hand until it started beeping from the lack of another living being on the other end.

"FUCK! BELLA'S Gonna Kill me!" I yelled to no one in particular. I was done for…

Chapter 2

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU YELLED AT MY BABY!!!!!" screamed a VERY pissed off Bella Swann/Cullen.

"I was tired…and I REALLY had to pee." I said sheepishly, "Give me a break!"

Edward chuckled to himself. "Now your gonna get it," he stage whispered. Bella turned 5 different shades of purple in 5 seconds.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, EDWARD!!!!" Bella and I screamed in unison. Then we looked at each other.

"Geez…one vampire/human hybrid runs off to Europe and everyone turns into a total Victoria/James mix." Murmured Edward. Emmet chuckled in the background and Jasper looked puzzled. Bella gave me a death glare.

"So you're saying that because you were TIRED my daughter is now gallivanting across Europe?!!" she demanded. I shrunk back slightly.

"Well, when you say it like that…" I broke off.

"You go get my daughter back or you will be officially ridden of your male genitalia." All the guys in the room gave an involuntary shudder.

"Hey, I kinda need that…" I said jokingly. Edward narrowed his eyes.

"For your sake you better not need it for my daughter!" He hissed at me. I should of stopped there but I couldn't pass up the chance to piss of the Crazy vampire dad.

"Hey, Buddy I cant help it she's 15 and with a sexy women's body." I said casually putting my arms behind my head coolly. He snarled and before I knew it I was up against a wall bright white teeth snapping at my throat.

"JESUS CHRIST MAN!" I yelled at him.

"Not so tough when deaths staring you in the face. Huh tough Guy?" He Screeched at me. DAMN HE WAS MESSED UP!

"OHMIGOD! Edward Not On the carpet!" I heard Esme. JESUS LADY! Your house means more to you then the life of a human being! These Vampires were nuts. Bella put her hand on Edwards shoulder. He relaxed and stood up. I got off the floor and with one last hiss he stomped away like a child. I guess there was a reason Bella was my friend.

"Thanks. You should put him on a leash you know… he could really hurt someone… or something…" I said smiling.

"You deserved it you Ass. Next time you won't be so lucky. Now go get on a plane before I let a can of Jasper On your wolfy ass." She said slyly. Jaspers head Perked up (Shit) she didn't have to tell me twice, I was outa of that nut house in a heart beat.

Chapter 3

The airport was a mess. People where EVERYWHERE!!!!!! By the time I made it to the front desk, I'd been in the building for a half an hour and Nessie's plane had been in the air for three hours. In 5 hours she'd have free reign all across London.

"Excuse me," I asked the lady at the desk. "When's the next flight to London?"

"The next one leaves in an hour." She said, clearly bored with the conversation.

"One ticket please." I said.

"First class or…" she eyed the dirty rags that I had on. (I had "run" to the airport.) "coach." She said the word repulsively. I smiled to myself. Since I was using the blood sucker's money…

"First class, please." I said, slapping the platinum debit card down on the shiny counter. She stared at it like it was a personal insult to her. She wordlessly picked it up and rang up my ticket.

"Any baggage?" she asked quietly with a little more respect.

"Nope." I replied She practically threw the card and my ticket at my face.

"Have a nice flight…sir." She spat the last word out with her voice dripping with venom. I smiled.

"I certainty will!" I said rubbing it in her over make-up-a-fied face. She Smiled crookedly the looked behind me

"NEXT!" She yelled. I moved out of line and walked prestige-ly toward the security checkpoint. When I got there a FAT guy behind the computer looked at me and a guy behind the metal detector looked up from his playboy. I walked through. No beep.

"Baggage…?" The guy in front of the computer inquired.

"Nope." I said walking away. Looking back once to checkout How Friggin FAT the guy was "Jesus" I whispered. Werewolf or not if that guy sat on me I would BE DEAD! I gagged as he took a bite from a hidden jelly Doughnut (trying not to imagine where it had just resided). Then I peeked at the magazine cover (Yah I'm a perv. But A guy has NEEDS! And Mine hadn't been fulfilled today… Maybe once I find Nessie we can spend a little alone time… Maybe I really did need that Male genitalia). It had Some Busty Blonde chick… Same As Always! I'd moved on to the starbucks (Located so Conveniently near the security checkpoint! I wondered if that's where the fat guy got most of his jelly doughnuts.). Got myself a coffee. And moved on to the terminal. There was a lot of open space (Like only 5 people were sitting there for some reason. London struck me as a place that people visited often.) I took my spot near some old lady. Who STUNK of Tuna Fish…. I didn't know Crazy Cat ladies still excised they also struck me as a species of human/elderly that had long ago gone extinct. PROVES WHAT I KNOW!

Chapter 4

I must of dozed of. In no time at all it was time to board the plane.. Maybe the horrific smell beside me was what KO'd me. But what ever the case! It was time to board the plane. I walked the hallway to the plane entrance. It surprised me that there weren't any windows… But any way, once we boarded I was lead to first class. It was very silent in the room only 2 other individuals were there. They were focused on what looked like laptops and were dressed like millionaires. GREAT…. I thought sarcastically. I took a seat on one of the father back chairs. I looked around me. There was a table in front of me and another chair facing opposite of mine.

After waiting for all the coach passengers to climb aboard the plane, The captain's surprisingly sexy female voice came over the intercom.

"Welcome aboard. This is your captain speaking. We will be taking flight in 10 min. and we will be landing around 7:00 am London time. So just sit back relax and enjoy the flight.

The flight was heavenly. I'd never been on a plane before and the all female staff pampered me hand and foot the entire trip. I was sorely tempted to ask one particularly hot blonde one to join the mile high club with me, but I knew the Renesmee would find out one way or another, and to put it simply, I needed my male genitalia. After consuming 4 or 5 too many whiskies, I passed out. When I woke up I saw a beautiful angelic face.

"Renesmee…" I murmured sleepily.

"No," the angel said. "Just Stacey. We will be landing shortly sir." The angel (or should I say Stacey) walked away to wake up the other passengers. I took out my phone and saw that Bella had called 3 times and Renesmee called once. I deleted Bella's messages without listening to them. I knew that she would just be yelling at me more. I clicked to Nessie's.

"Hey Jake." She started. "I know that my parents probably sent you to come and get me." She Chuckled, Edward And Bella were pretty predictable. "So, I'll make things a little easy on ya. I'm at King's Cross train station. You probably have no idea what im talking about right? You'll figure it out. What you do is go straight through platforms 9 and 10.(I was Confused by the go through part.) Don't worry, I'm not crazy. Well not medically crazy… Any way, after that, you need to turn into the "big bad wolf" (I smirked at her childhood nickname for my wolf state) and run north for about 50 miles.(I Sat Up at the 50 miles statement. Where the HELL WAS SHE?) You'll come to a castle and you need to go inside it and start asking around for an Albus Dumbledore (What kind of a name was "Albus Dumbledore") than you can ask him where to find me. Don't bother trying to call my phone; it won't work in the castle's grounds. Gotta go. Love ya. Bye." The message ended.

I officially started to worry. What if she was doing some kind of English drug that made her hallucinate? Or maybe was it alcohol? Could something like that affect her? That would explain the "telling-me-exactly-where-she's-at-thing" What if some guy, gave them to her? What if she was with some guy? Mental Pictures of Nessie's back against a wall. While some guy buried his face in the crook of her neck (she of course was smiling in pleasure) flew into my mental picture. But these unwelcome thoughts were banished by a new horror. What would Bella say if he brought back her daughter hooked on drugs and already de-virgin-a-tized? I shuddered at the thought.

"Oh shit." I said one of the flight attendants looked at me.

"sir I ask that you mind you language on the flight" she said. I could here the wheels stop though and I knew the flight was over.

"Sure…" I started "Ill remember that on the trip back" I said getting out of my seat as the door opened for the few passengers to leave. I turned to see her stare at me confused. When she saw I was looking at her she turned up her nose and walked away. Snobby flight attendants. Maybe it was good I didn't ask Stacey to join me in the mile-high club. She would of followed me like a love-sick puppy. I exited with the small group of passengers. When I got to the terminal I was surprised by all the people leaving London. I pushed my way through the mob and found my way to the airport exit with minor injuries. I walked out into the bright morning sun. which had not appeared yet. I looked around me. It was dark. WTF? I looked to the side there was a lady walking my way.

"WHY THE HELL IS IT DARK?" I Asked her. Se looked up surprised, confusion spread over her face. Then she cracked up

"we got uh funny one here! Just mind your self and don't get into trouble." She told me in a rough British accent. "Oh and another thing, Why do people keep askin me that?" She smiled I shrugged and she shrugged with me. She looked down the street behind me.

"So where ya headin?" I asked her.

"Oh King's Cross train station…" she shuffled her feet. I slapped my forehead.

"NO WAY IM GOING THERE TO!" I said excited.

"REALLY?" She asked. "I don't think I've ever seen you there before…" She added. Must be a social place I thought. (Oh God)

"Oh well yah… well…you see…Its my first time there… Maybe we could walk together or something?" I asked sheepishly she smiled.

"SURE why not." She said grabing my arm. Come on we better hurry or we might miss our train. I was confused now.

"Oh wouldn't want to do that." I said sheepishly. Then chuckeled. Trying to hide my confusion. She looked back at me.

"You scared?" She said giggeling

"Huh?" I asked

"Never mind." She said giggeling.

Chapter 5

Ginny talked most of the way to the station. She was a talkative little red head, Giddy to like Alice but she didn't stink like Alice. I just walked quietly most of the time all I had to do was nod or give a sound in agreement. Obviously she was use to people not really listening. When we got to the station there was a swarm of kids or teens just a lot of people in front of platform 9 and 10. Out of them all one person stuck out to me the most. There was a black haired boy with some dorkish round glasses. He was staring at us intently. I noticed he had some weird makeup on his forehead it looked like a lightning bolt. Strange…. Ginny ran up and kissed the boy. I guessed he was her boyfriend from the dirty looks he was giving me.

"Oh I forgot to ask you!" She started "Are you some foreign exchange student?" she asked intently

"HUH?" I gave her a confused look. "THIS IS A SCHOOL?" Ginny frowned suddenly fearful. Her boy frowned.

"UM… Aren't you trying to get to Hogwarts?" she asked (WTF KIND OF NAME WAS HOGWARTS?!?)

"Um… That's that castle right?" I asked hoping I was right. Ginny giggled.

"OH COURSE IT IS SILLY!" She said excitedly. "Not just any castle a…!"

"Yah… Yah… a special one." I said "So you know what im looking for?"

"Yep…" she started. Her boy coughed, she turned "OH this is my boyfriend Harry."

"Nice to meet you uh… Harry…?" I prompted.

"Potter… Harry Potter. Thee Harry Potter." He said it like it was important or something.

"Um… its nice to meet you… Harry Potter?" I said confused. Ginny looked at me confused to.

"You don't know who he is do you?" She asked Harry frowned.

"Erm… NOT A CLUE!" I told them. They both exchanged looks. Uh oh.

"Wait… the Harry Potter? OH! WOW IS A HONNOR!" I said trying to fake the surprised-ness. WHO THE HELL WAS THIS JERK? "Yah um.. YOUR AWSOME DUDE!" I finished

"Thanks." He said with a little more distain then necessary. Was everyone in this crew like that? Suddenly 6 more red heads and a pretty, brown haired girl came to join us.

"Guys," said Ginny excitedly, "this is Jacob. He's an exchange student from America. Jacob this is my family and my friend Hermione." I figured that Hermione was the brown haired girl who had barley taken her eyes off of one of the red haired boys. "This is my eldest brother, Bill," the tallest one with a scar on his face and long hair pulled back in a pony tail, and an earring with a fang dangling from it. I liked his getup "my other brother Charlie," One with multiple burns all over his body. "My other brother, Percy is at work, this is my brother George," a young man who seemed thoroughly depressed. Ginny whispered in my ear that George used to have a twin but he died in the war.

"The war in Iraq?" I asked awkwardly. Everyone looked at me for a brief moment and than they broke out laughing. I tried to play along with this inside joke. I don't think it worked but soon Ginny went on introducing her family.

"This is my youngest brother Ron." She indicated to the boy that Hermione couldn't stop looking at. He had a long crooked nose and a mop of red hair. What she saw in this twerp, I had a feeling I would never know.

"And these are my parents." Said Ginny finally. I waved politely at the two red heads They smiled back sweetly. They both seemed to be older so hopefully Ginny was the last of their kids. I'd hate to see the next edition to their already over grown family.

We heard a racket behind us.

"Give me back my tickets!" I heard a plump middle aged woman say. A tall shabby man was grabbing something I could only assume where tickets out of her hands.

"Your tickets!" He roared. Immediately they began to fight. Two police went over and broke them apart. Mr. Weasley smiled.

"Ah the Pol Ece to the rescue." The entire Weasley clan broke into a fit of laugher. I just stood there confused. And I thought the Cullens were nuts! These guys were insane. Medically insane. I was suddenly worried about Nessie. What the hell had she gotten us into? They lead me through the crowd to a brick column they were standing around. I stared at it. (WAS THIS LIKE THERE PLACE OF WORSHIP OR SOMETHIN?) I heard one of the parent red heads behind me.

"Ron how bout you go first and show are new friend how this is done?" said. I suddenly was very nervous. (If they made me run into that column I was gonna open a can of Wolf woop ass on them.). Ron smiled weakly at me and faced the column. I felt weary was he seriously gonna run straight at that wall? Where was an ambulance? The paramedics? Ron started in a fast sprint toward the column. It was like a car reck I didn't want to watch this catastrophe but I couldn't LOOK AWAY! I was about to close my eyes expecting a splat or at least a hard crack or something along those lines when the kid went right throught the Damn column! (RIGHT THREW THE DARN THING) I Expected something like him coming out the other side of it. Nothing. Then One by One the kids ran straight for the column and then right into it not appearing on the other side. I was getting a little freaked. Where the Fuck were they going!?!?!? Then I heard the sickly sweet voice behind me.

"Your turn dear!" she said happily. That Women was MESSED UP MAN! I gulped.

"Um… Do I seriously have to do this? Isn't there like a alternate entrance or something? Please?" I stuttered. She laughed. PYSCHO! This must be funny or seomthing to her. What a sick women.

"Oh don't worry you wont feel a thing deary! You wont get hurt I promise hunny!" She said sweetly again. I was seriously planning on just running into that column to knock myself out so I wouldn't have to hear another "DEARY!" this women was getting on my last werewolfy nerve cell! I walked slowly up to the wall oh god. Before I could make up my mind I felt a push. I closed my eyes expecting a hard wall. NOTHING! I opened them and I found myself in a train station. But this one was different... It was like a midevil fair. And there was only one train. It looked like something from those old movies and it was BRIGHT red. Only one thing was printed on the side in big fancy letters "HOGWARTS EXPRESS". OH GOD. WHAT THE HELL HAD I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO.

"Todo we are SOOOO not in Fucking Kansas any more." I said expecting a little black dog to appear and tell me where the FUCK I was! I looked down to make sure I wasn't wearing a dress now. Or Ruby slippers. I felt a hand grab me and pull me on to the train. It was all a blur and I found myself moments later in a compartment. Ginny was facing out the window waving to her parents.

"Aren't you excited!" She said happily!

"You have no fucking idea." I said scarred out of my human mind. (All I could think about was Nessie better be at that FUCKING Castle or Her ASS was GRASS!). Ginny frowned slightly at my language, but we felt the train start with a jolt. We were off and I was SCREWED!

Chapter 6

Ginny was lecturing me on my language when Harry walked by. And of course I had to witness there sickening make-out session. What was it with hot English girls and dorky British guys? WTF Europe? I was a little happy though, she stopped lecturing me. But I think I preferred it over there drooling. After a very long annoying ride. No offence to Ginny but she talked a little TOO much for my taste. But after a lot of crazy SHIT and some strange Ass ugly individuals we got to this MAGICAL CASTLE! There was this blonde pale blue eyed kid on the adventure to the castle who annoyed he SHIT out of me. He was WAY, WAY to full of himself… Almost as bad as Emmett and his Sex life. Or well just Edward about himself. I followed the Weasley clan to some Huge room. And when I say huge I mean so fucking big they could store a safari. There were five long tables. I got a look at the people at all of the tables. Apparently were color assorted to each table. They herded me over to a table in the middle. Everyone there wore red and gold. With some lion pins. (WHY NOT WOLFS SERIOUSLY?) they all kinda strike me as dorks but ohhhh wellll. I mostly slept through dinner eating every so often then a loud voice woke me up.

"ANOTHER YEAR IS ABOUT TO BEGIN STUDENTS! WELCOME BACK!" the voice said ending the feast. He was a tall older man with a WAY to long beard. He had a weird nose that held up his little glasses. His eye's seemed to sparkle in a strange way. This guy even though he wore some weird dress. Struck me as kool. I turned to Harry.

"Who the HECK is he?" I asked him (with a quick glance at Ginny for language purposes) he scoffed at me.

"Albus Dumbledore." He sounded VERY cocky and I suddenly had the urge to punch him in his smug face.

"Oh my god!!!" I slammed my hands down on the wooden table and stood up. (but unlike all the tables I'd done this to before, it didn't break. Just like MAGIC. "I need to talk to him!" I said urgently. Harry scoffed again. But Ginny spoke up.

"Harry, you should take him to Dumbledore's office. You know A LOT about it." She said almost suggestively. Harry grunted and stood up. He motioned for me to follow him.

During our walk through the corridors strange thoughts popped into my head like, if Harry somehow managed to kill me now, would Ginny break up with him? What would happen to Nessie? Suddenly that all too familiar picture of her and some guy making out, and maybe more sprang into my head. I shuddered and realized that Harry had stopped in front of a large stone gargoyle.

"Licorice wands," said Harry. WTF?!!! I thought. What kind of office was this? The gargoyle stepped (yes, STEPPED) aside to reveal a winding stair case. Harry looked at me.

"Come on." He said impatiently.

"What the FUCK just happened!" I shouted. Harry shook his head and pushed me up the stairs. On second thought maybe I didn't want to see this guy anymore. Bella I could deal with, this guy, no. But before I could protest, Harry pushed me through and old oak door at the top of the stairs. The place was FUCKING WEIRD!!!!!!!! There was a desk and it had weird pieces of paper and feathers on it. (parchment and quills…I found out later.) There were all these weird contraptions EVERYWHERE!!!! Either this guy had a major dominatrix fetish or was a serial killer.

After 5 minutes of contemplating running from the room or taking some of the contraptions home to try on Leah, Dumbledore came through the office.

He smiled

"Mr. Black, I've been expecting you." Before I could stop myself…

"WHAT THE FUCK?!!!! HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME???!!!!" I felt like the term "creeper" belonged there too, but maybe it was too much. The guy just kept smiling.

"You're "friend" Renesmee or Nessie was it?" I felt like punching him when he said Nessie's nickname. "She is here and she is safe, we were expecting her as well."

"I repeat…WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!" was all I could manage to say. Still, he was smiling…not that that's creepy or anything….well…not in this world anyway…

"She will be staying in the Syltherin dorms for the night." He said casually

"What the fuck is "Syltherin"?" I asked Freaked out beyond my mind. I was surprised I wasn't on the floor in a fetal position.

"Its one of the schools houses." Dumbledore he said like I should understand. I looked at Harry for help. He sighed.

"The ones in green and silver." Harry said with OF COURSE a smile! I thought for a moment suddenly I remembered that one of the tables had been Green and Silver color coordinated, then I remember all the ugly disgusting people at that table

"HOLY SHIT! SHE'S WITH A GROUP OF CREEPERS!" I screeched at Dumbledore who of course was still smiling. In fact he laughed!

"Oh Mr. Black . I understand the Syltherin house may look a bit dark for your standards." He started. Obviously he had no idea of some of the shit I had been through, thank god for that. "But I assure you none of the individuals on said house are as you say "Creepers"."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THERE NOT CREEPERS!" I Screamed at him

"In his defense" Harry piped in "They do reside in the dungeons…" he finished this of course started a new wave of…

"WHAT THE FUCK! YOU PUT HER IN A DUGEON WITH CREEPERS!!!!!" I screeched

"AND Chains!" Harry pushed happily. I felt my stomach turn

"Dumbledore… Apparently you know… SHIT!" I stood up of course the crazy old bat was staring at me still… wait for it… smiling...GROSS! apparently he was thinking about my poor Nessie in that disgusting dungeon wit those creepers AND there CHAINS!!!

"Well you'll be staying with the Gryffindors for the remainder of your stay. You will be able to see your "Nessie" tomorrow at breakfast, but for now we all need to get some sleep. Good night." If I hadn't been sooooo pissed I probably would have realized that I'd been blown off by an ancient man with a dominatrix fetish and probably had more Botox in his body than all he celebrities in the Hills combined….that's A LOT….. Harry led me out and before I knew it I was laying on a couch in the Gryffindor common room that was now my makeshift bed. It was sooooo nice. Better than my real bed at home, in fact. My last thought for the most Fucked up day of my life was "I hope Nessie is warm and comfortable." Than, I drifted into a restful sleep.