Damn. This was goofy to write. ... Hope you enjoy it.
WARNING: Contains heterosexual and homosexual pairings, multiple-character bashing, and sorta pairing bashing. It's all tongue and cheek, kids. Meaning just for shits and giggles. I make fun of my own favorite pairing, so if you feel the need to flame me for bashing your favorite character or pairing, I'm going to give you my reply right now: Suck it. If you don't have a sense of humor then why are you reading a parody fic? Go bother somebody with the patience to deal with your retardedness. Thanks.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own "House, M.D.", it's characters, or anything pertaining to it. I just own this story and it's plot.
In Which There Are Multiple Pairings
HouseCameron
Ever since their date, which Cameron had pretty much forced him into, he couldn't stop thinking about her. That long brown... or was it blonde? Either way, her long hair flowed so beautifully behind her as she walked into his office.
She stopped right in front of his desk, "House, I'm here to inform you that I will be inadvertently stalking you until you decide to accept my love. After you accept my love, regardless of whether or not you return it, we will date for about twenty episodes and have sex countless times before getting married and moving into a huge generic family home. Then I will be artificially inseminated by my dead husband's sperm and you will raise the child as your own, meanwhile secretly hating it because I would rather my child have the genes of some random man whose picture was only shown about one time in the show. Oh, and if you ever try to get rid of the problem with your leg, which makes you inexplicably attractive to me, I will divorce you and take everything you own."
They stared at each other in silence.
House's face broke into a big, goofy grin, "My darling Allison!"
"Oh Greg!" she cried, leaping across the desk and settling in his lap.
Wilson watched all of this though the glass door of his office, "It's so obvious they were meant for each other!"
HouseChase
"House, have you ever considered firing Dr. Chase?" Cuddy asked him as she walked into his office.
"Nope."
"Why not? He's screwed up multiple times!"
"Well, I suppose it's because I kinda promised his father I would look after him. Either that or the fact that he lets me sex him up."
"Wh-What?! House, it's inappropriate to have relationships with your employees!"
Before he could reply, a soft whimper emanated from somewhere under his desk, causing House to moan.
"I'd really love to chat right now, but I currently have an Aussie "down under" if you know what I mean." House waggled his eyebrows.
Without a word, Cuddy turned and scurried out of the office.
Chase sat back momentarily, "Is it really a good idea to be doing this in the office?"
House pressed a finger against his lips, "Sssh, you know thinking isn't your strong suit."
"Right." Chase smiled dumbly before continuing his minstrations.
In his office, Wilson scowled from his seat behind the glass door, "Dammit! My camera ran out of batteries! How am I supposed to film them now?!"
HouseWilson
Wilson stared back at House from across his desk, blinking in surprise at the confession he'd just heard, "H-How long... have you felt this way about me?"
"Well, that night we met and I got you out of prison and we got a hotel room and had wild sex definitely might be when I first started to be attracted to you."
"Y-You told me that that was just a freaky dream I had and made me think I was a closeted gay man all this time?!"
"Yep. Should've tipped you off when I knew about a dream that you didn't discuss with me."
"Ah. True."
"... Want to have more wild sex?"
Wilson shrugged, "Why not?"
HouseCuddy
He showed up on her doorstep late one night and began arguing with her. He wanted her to let him do whatever the hell he wanted with his patient.
Before he knew what was happening, she shoved him against the door and wrapped her arms around him while placing a passionate kiss on his lips.
"Oh, Greg... Take me!"
"... If I do, can I do that really dangerous test that will most likely kill the patient and result in a lawsuit against the hospital?"
"Yes, fine, whatever! Do me, now."
"I knew you couldn't resist the ole' House charm."
"Actually, my date just rejected me. You're my rebound man tonight."
"Eh, whatever. I get free sex tonight!"
HouseForeman
"House, you're an insensitive bastard."
"And you're a car thief."
"Asshole."
"Creepy-eyed freak."
"Fuck you."
"Let's have sex."
"I don't want to."
"Fine, I don't either."
"Now I want to because you don't, since I always have to do the opposite of what you do or say."
"... I'm getting confused."
"Me too. Let's just do this."
"I wanna top."
"So do I."
"If you don't let me top I'll fire you."
"Big deal. Cuddy will just re-hire me."
"Damn. Foiled again. I still refuse to be your bitch."
"I won't bottom either."
"... That was a pretty hot discussion. Still want to have sex?"
"Nah. That was good enough." Foreman reached into his pocket, "Cigarette?"
"Yes. I wish to bask in the afterglow."
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Sorry. That probably only made sense to me/only amused me.
The reason Wilson showed up randomly at the end of the first two was because I thought it was funny. ._. If you're looking for an explanation I offer you this: he's getting divorced again and most likely hasn't had sex in a good long while. And, apparently, making your own pornography film is better than going out and buying one.
These were all of the ones for House. I'm hoping to do more crack pairings. So... if you wanna suggest a pairing be my guest and I'll see what I can do. However, if you request anything for the new team members, I will warn you that I will probably bash them harshly, since I kinda loathe them. Sorry ... I don't mind Amber, though.
