Disclaimer: I don't own SpongeBob and I certainly never shall.

A/N: Warning: There is absolutely no canon in this story. My other alter ego was trying to write a spoof, which is why everyone is out-of-character. I tried to salvage the story, and this is the byproduct.


The faint beeping of machinery was the first indication to SpongeBob that he was once again in Bikini Bottom Hospital. His eyelids felt like clam shells as he struggled to pry them open. He had been aware for quite some time before he attempted to open his eyes that someone was holding his hand, no doubt Patrick or Sandy would be the one to stay by his side through this mysterious incident. But when the blurriness subsided, he was shocked to find that Squidward was the creature squeezing sympathetically to his frail, yellow hand.

"Squi-Squidward?" SpongeBob groaned, squinting at the blue figure beside him.

Squidward pressed a gentle tentacle to his lips. "Shh. You're safe with me, and I won't let anything hurt you again."

"Where am I? How did I get here?" He attempted to sit up, but Squidward gently pushed him back down.

"Lay. You are in a hospital. You were in a freak airplane accident. It appears that a cargo plane carrying overseas mail crashed while you were out hunting jellyfish and some of the debris violently squashed you. But since you have no cartilage and can regenerate, you will be just fine. However, Mr. Krabs was not so lucky."

"Mr. Krabs! What happened?"

"Mr. Krabs suffered from an outer haul breach and perished violently in the torrents from the engine. It was a tragic loss for everyone."

SpongeBob whimpered. "That's terrible. How is Pearl taking it?"

Squidward shrugged. "She's decided to become a lesbian and moved in with Sandy Cheeks. They're talking about moving to Texas, but Plankton claims that he has entered into negotiations with them about it. I don't know if he could stand to lose her too."

"What does Plankton care about Pearl?"

"Allow me to explain. When Mr. Krabs died, he left a will. He declared Plankton the sole benefactor of all his property and his daughter, in essence giving him legal rights as her guardian. Plankton accepted the responsibility of Pearl, but he didn't want the rest of the property. He gave Pearl the deed to the house, and he gave us the Krusty Krab."

"What?!" SpongeBob exclaimed, "But that doesn't make any sense. Plankton has wanted the Krusty Krab since before we were born. Why would he give it to us?"

"There is more. He had a condition we must meet if we are to accept the restaurant, but it's nothing that we weren't already going to do, so I assured him that we would accept his terms of agreement."

"What's the condition?"

Squidward smiled into SpongeBob's eyes. "We have to get married."

SpongeBob promptly vomited on the other side of his cot, then passed out again. When he came to, all the wires and machines had been removed from the room, and he was alone. A nurse soon came into the room and informed him, "The doctors are releasing you. Your clothes are in that chair. Come to the front desk when you are ready to check out."

SpongeBob slinked out of bed and put on his clothes in a daze. He decided at last that he had been dreaming and quickly left the hospital to find Patrick. Patrick would settle all this nonsense for him. He walked home casually, reassuring himself the whole way that he had had a bad dream and would be fine as soon as he talked to his friends.

As he came down his street, he heard the tell-tale notes of a poorly played clarinet, and sighed in relief that Squidward was in his house practicing his music and not gazing at him in a way that made his skin crawl. "Oh, Patrick!" SpongeBob sang as he knocked on the Star's rock. The rock popped up as usual, but instead of Patrick, there was another starfish glued to the bottom. The female fluttered her eyelids at SpongeBob and purred back, "My husband isn't in at the moment, but you are welcome to wait with me under the safety of my rock for him to get back." She winked suggestively at him.

SpongeBob gulped in distaste. "I'm sorry, but I don't remember Patrick having a wife."

The female laughed seductively at him, peeling herself off the rock and swaying up beside him. "Oh, SpongeBob, you are the cutest thing." Then her smile faded and she looked concerned, "You really don't remember me? You must have suffered brain damage from that awful accident you were in. You don't remember me visiting you while you were in the hospital?"

SpongeBob shook his head. "Sorry, I don't. I don't even remember your name."

"It's Evilene. Evilene Star. Patrick wanted to come by and see you during the month you were in the hospital, but he could never find the time. I, however, visited you at least thrice a week. I wish I had known you were being released. I would have come to escort you home. You poor thing! You must have woken up scared and alone. Perhaps you should come inside so I can explain everything to you."

"I just need to know two things. Can you help me with that?"

Evilene nodded.

"First: Why was I in the hospital?"

"You were in an airplane crash while catching jellyfish with Mr. Krabs."

"Did he die?"

Evilene nodded, her face turning sad. "While you were asleep, Plankton was given custody of Pearl, but she moved in with Sandy and they are now dating. The Krusty Krabs was left to you and Squidward." She sneered at the last name.

SpongeBob broke into a cold sweat as he prepared to ask the next question. "What is Squidward to me?"

Evilene averted her eyes and huffed, "He's your boyfriend. Fiancé, really, because he proposed to you three months ago and you said yes. But you really love me, and we secretly date behind Patrick and Squidward's backs. Our love is more true than what we allow the world to see. Is any of this ringing a bell to you?"

SpongeBob shook his head. "Sorry, no it's not. Are you sure I'm not dreaming?"

Evilene ran her finger down SpongeBob's chest. "Our love is too great to be contained in a dream. You must have amnesia."

SpongeBob clutched his forehead. "I think I need to lie down."

Evilene put a steady arm around his waist. "That's a good idea. I'll prepare you a spot inside. Patrick will understand your instability when he comes home. After all, I am the best doctor this side of the ocean. It is my duty to attend to the sick."

SpongeBob hesitated, not sure if he should trust this woman while he was in such a vulnerable state. But suddenly, Squidward appeared on the sidewalk before them. He rushed to SpongeBob's side and slung a territorial tentacle around his waist. "SpongeBob, darling, what's the matter? I was so worried when I returned to your room and you weren't there. The doctors didn't tell me they were releasing you, even though I asked them to." He shot an accusatory glare at Evilene, who remained tied around his waist. "Let's get you into our house."

"I'll give you some extra support, since I know you aren't strong enough to carry him by yourself, Squidward," Evilene insisted, her tone hostile toward the squid.

"Thank you, Evilene," Squidward spat back in a voice equally as threatening as the woman's. The two carried him through the yards and into the pineapple.

SpongeBob suddenly realized that the clarinet music continued to play from the stone house. "Squidward, who is playing the clarinet in your house?"

Squidward smiled sympathetically at his lover. "Sweetheart, that isn't my house anymore. I sold it when I moved into your house, remember? We agreed that the pineapple was much better for our auras due to the bright color scheme. Are you having memory problems, love?"

"I guess I am. I don't remember anything that anyone has told me." They laid him down on the couch and gave him a wet cloth for his forehead.

Squidward nodded, concern tainting his loving smile. "You should take a nap. You've had a rough day. We'll talk about this when you wake up, and I'll try to help you get adjusted. Evilene, allow me to walk you home." He offered her his arm, and she took it with forced politeness. When the door shut behind them, SpongeBob was painfully aware of their conversation on the other side.

"He's just as much my friend as he is yours," Evilene snapped.

"He's my fiancé, Evilene, and we were friends for many years before that, before you even looked at Bikini Bottom as a possible home. I don't want you talking to him while he's in this impressionable state. You'll fill him with lies about how he really loves you and I'm just a waste of existence."

"Those aren't lies, Squidward. He does love me, but you have your hooks stuck so deep into him that he's afraid to leave you. It sickens me what you do to him. He deserves better than you could offer him."

"Watch your tongue, Evilene. I'm not afraid to tell Patrick about your feelings for SpongeBob, or your lack thereof for your own husband. Don't think that he won't kick you out."

"Tell him! I don't care. If he wants a divorce, I will gladly give it to him. Then SpongeBob will feel less guilty about loving me. And you forget that there are plenty of people I can stay with if Patrick kicks me out. I have better connections in this town than you do. And remember this, Squidward, if nothing else: you can do nothing to keep me away from SpongeBob."

A minute of silence went by before the door creaked open and Squidward reappeared, flustered and agitated. He knelt beside SpongeBob and tried to regain his smile, but his façade broke and he started crying softly. SpongeBob hesitantly wrapped his arms around Squidward's neck and patted his back soothingly. He wrapped his tentacles around SpongeBob in turn and sobbed into his yellow chest.

After a while, when Squidward had calmed down, he whispered, "You heard everything, didn't you?"

"Yes," SpongeBob replied.

Squidward nodded, his eyes swollen and red. "I know this must be tough on you, not remembering anything. But I want you to know that I will stay by your side no matter what. You will get your memory back, I'm sure of it. But I need to know what you do remember before I can help you."

"It might offend you. I don't remember anything good about you. Maybe I'm more messed up than I thought, because it doesn't seem like you could have ever hated me with the way you're treating me now."

Squidward sighed, stroked SpongeBob's face. "No, there was a time when I truly thought I hated you. But it was ages ago, several years in fact. We've been dating for over a year. But we'll talk about it tomorrow, after a good night's sleep." Squidward picked SpongeBob up easily and carried him up the stairs and into the bedroom. He laid him down gently and pulled the sheets over his body. "I'll take the couch since I assume you'd feel uncomfortable with me sleeping next to you." He turned to walk away, but SpongeBob grabbed his hand and stopped him.

"Please stay with me. I don't want to be alone. I don't mind, really. I mean, I trust you, Squidward. You wouldn't lie to me, not about this."

Squidward smiled brightly, "You really mean it?"

SpongeBob smiled, nodded back, "Of course."


A/N: If you want me to update, leave a comment and tell me so. Elsewise, this story is cancelled. But I will update if someone wants me to. It's all up to you, readers. The choice is yours.