A/N: First, thanks to my awesome beta Benkins1! This is a one-shot songfic inspired by the song "Talking in Your Sleep" done by Crystal Gale, but the version that specifically goes with this one-shot is by the Civil Wars. I highly recommend listening to it while reading this. Not a particularly happy one-shot, is obviously AU, and pairings include Hermione/Remus, Hermione/Sirius and mentions of Tonks/Remus. Enjoy!
Also, this is rated M but more for language and some mentions of intimacy to comply with FF rules…but no lemons here kids, sorry!
Talking In Your Sleep
~o0o~
October, 2005
When you close your eyes and you fall asleep
And it's down to the sound of your heartbeat
Remus pulled back the duvet on the large bed and crawled in next to his wife, who was already fast asleep. He had stayed up late reading in the sitting room after he had dropped Teddy off to spend the night at his grandmothers'. Andromeda spoiled the boy to no end, and Remus was thankful that Teddy, still young at only seven years old, still loved spending time with her. Whenever Teddy spent time with her, Remus knew Andromeda told him story after story about his mother, trying to paint a picture of her for him. He had only been a month old when his mother had died in the war, and sometimes, when he was in a particularly dark place, Remus wished it had been him instead.
As Remus wrapped his long arms around Hermione Granger, the woman he had married a year ago, he sighed in relief. She always felt so good next to him, and she didn't stir when he pressed his chest to her back. Her breathing was steady and soft, and her curls mostly obscured her face.
It had taken Remus almost five years to be able to live with Tonks' death. They only had a year together before she was ripped away from him, and there wasn't a day that passed that she didn't cross his mind in some form or another. But with the gentle prodding and help from his friends, especially Sirius, he forgave himself, realizing there was nothing else he could have done to save her the night of the final battle. He learned how to sustain his sadness and finally start living again – and he finally enjoyed being a dad.
When he had come out of the haze, he was finally able to see things more clearly; more specifically, he saw Hermione's interest in him. Her relationship with Ron Weasley had only lasted a few months after the end of the second war, and had petered gently, leaving them back where they started, as friends. From then on, she was always helping take care of Teddy, or hanging around Grimmauld Place, where Sirius was letting him and Teddy live. Always there, eyes shining, ready to help, everyone saw it before he did.
But when he did see it, it took his breath away. It was like she had morphed into a woman overnight, although he knew he just hadn't really been paying enough attention to see the transformation. To him, she had always been a bright, sweet, lovely girl – his favorite student, but now she had a successful career, a quiet confidence, and was simply stunning in every way.
At first, he felt the same way he did when he first found out about Tonks' affection for him. He felt too old, now almost forty-five to Hermione's near twenty-five, and he felt wrong starting to think about a friend and former student in that way. He also felt as if he was betraying Tonks and Teddy by wanting to be with her. It took him another six-months to get the courage up to ask her out on a date. And from there, he let himself fall so in love with her and proposed six months after that. To his surprise, none of his friends blamed him, and Andromeda was thrilled. Everyone told him he deserved another chance at love again, so he took it.
Now, as he looked down at the beautiful girl in his arms, he hardly saw the age difference, or any other factor that caused him to doubt. Hermione had made him so happy in the last year, had taken care of Teddy so flawlessly, and had made things so easy for him, even putting up with him when he suffered bouts of depression. He buried his nose in her curls and sniffed in her sweet scent, instinctively holding onto her tighter, as a nagging feeling grew in his stomach.
The pair were coming up on their first marriage anniversary, and things had been as close to blissful as their busy schedules and complicated lives allowed, until about two weeks ago. Hermione had said the project she was working on with Kingsley at the Ministry was stressful and Remus had chalked up her tiredness, slight distance, and extreme quietness to that. But it continued, and Teddy started to notice. Although he still did not call Hermione 'Mum', the boy cared for her deeply and was dejected when she seemed too preoccupied to read with him. Remus had broached the subject with her more than once, but was deflected sweetly every time.
I can hear the things that you're dreaming about
When you open up your heart and the truth comes out
Remus noticed that the last few nights, Hermione had started to talk in her sleep. It was mostly incoherent, and not always all at once, but he heard his name once and it had woken him up. She was usually a very sound sleeper, especially if they had made love before bed, but the talking concerned him. The recent lack of lovemaking concerned him as well, as their sex life had never been anything but extremely active. But ever since she cited the Ministry stress as the cause for her attitude change, she was never "in the mood," as she put it.
Both of those reasons had caused Remus to not join her when she went to bed. He didn't want to get rejected again when he kissed her, and he was hoping that he might be able to catch her talking again. He knew it was ridiculous, but he thought maybe hearing his name again, or hearing her talk about him in her sleep would reassure him that she loved him.
You tell me that you want me
You tell me that you need me
You tell me that you love me
They told each other that they loved one another everyday. There hadn't been a day in their marriage that they hadn't, even during these past two weeks when she had been acting strangely. Remus did not want to feel so possessive of her, but it was his nature. Once he had succumbed to his feelings for Tonks and let her into his life, he was fiercely protective. He was the same with Hermione, and he chuckled softly into her curls when he realized how tightly he was holding her at that very moment, as if she was going to run away. He had simply never been secure with himself, a fact that he wished he could overcome, and that his little family was certainly helping with, but this distance from Hermione was manifesting terrible worst-case scenarios in his mind. What if she's not in love with me anymore? What if she's cheating? Attracted to a younger, wealthier man? He asked himself these questions as he lay, wide awake, in the dark bedroom, with her heartbeat thrumming out a steady rhythm against his forearm that was pressed against her chest, keeping her close.
Remus did not want to think these things, but his reasonable, intellectual side told him he would be a fool if he didn't consider them. Hermione was still young, and although she was mature for her age, and always had been, she didn't have all the experiences that he had. They had both spent their youths in two separate wars, but Remus had dated enough women to know what he wanted, even if that number was much less than others, mostly because he was seen as an outcast to society at large. But Hermione – his lovely Hermione – she had been fascinated by him so long before he realized it that he wondered if she had had other men besides Ron and a few on-offs. She hadn't been a virgin when they started dating, but she wasn't far from one, that much he could tell, even if she was a quick learner and managed to make him hard with just one certain look. But did she want more? Remus wondered.
And I know that I'm right
'Cause I hear it in the night
Hermione stirred lightly, and pressed her arse against him, which caused a little thrill of pleasure to run up Remus' body. He knew she didn't do it on purpose, but he couldn't help but start to get turned on, mostly because they hadn't touched like this in weeks. When they went to bed at the same time, Hermione usually moved to the far left side of the bed and curled up there, which was extremely different from their usual lingering good-night kiss, with their legs intertwined and her falling asleep against his chest. The more Remus thought about it, the more he realized he might have reason to be concerned, and his heart raced at the thought. She groaned a little in her sleep and pressed back against him a bit more, but Remus moved, not wanting to be distracted by her body. He just wanted to listen, wondering if she was about to talk again. He took his arms away from her body and moved so that she was no longer touching him. He propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at his wife and her serene, sleeping face.
"No…"
Remus' ears perked up. She had definitely mumbled "no" and now the sleepiness he was previously feeling was all but gone. He gently brushed some of the curls that were falling into her face behind her ear.
"…..Mmmff, we can't do that…" Hermione's voice was small, and slurred together and now Remus' heart began to race. What was she talking about? Was she having a bad dream? Was she thinking about telling Teddy to not have an extra helping of pudding?
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're talking in your sleep
"I love…" Hermione's speech broke when her breathing was caught by a small snore. She seemed to choke on it for a moment, and normally Remus would have thought this cute, and possibly teased her about it in the morning, he was just frustrated.
"Who do you love, darling?" Remus whispered to her, wondering if her subconscious could hear it. He just wanted to hear his name and go to bed. He had always believed dreams were the windows into the soul, and that what happened in them projected ones deepest desires. He knew if she was dreaming about him, he could put all of his crazy theories to rest and work on helping her get through this rough time at work, without worrying something was wrong with him or if she was seeing another man.
"…Him…" Hermione finally murmured out, and Remus' scruffy face fell. "Him" wasn't "Remus." "Him" could be anyone.
Get a grip on yourself, Remus scolded the voice in his head putting doubts there, She is your wife and would never cheat on you. She's Hermione Granger for Merlin's sake. You are acting like a jealous teenager.
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're talking in your sleep
Hermione rolled over on her back and Remus gave her plenty of room to do so. He watched her chest rise and fall with her breath, covered in a thin cotton pyjama shirt. Her nipples were visible through it from the draftiness of the room in their small flat, so he pulled the duvet up on her body further, careful not to wake her. He was so intrigued and nervous as what she might say next that he wasn't even thinking about her body anymore, just about them, and how much he loved her.
"Sirius…"
Remus waited for an addition, for another word to clue him in, but nothing came, and she had started softly snoring. He had no idea why his best friends' name was coming out of her mouth in the middle of the night while she was asleep, especially since she only had taken up sleep-talking recently. He knew he should feel relieved though. It wasn't Ron's name, at least, and it wasn't a name he didn't recognize. Sirius and Hermione interacted on almost a daily basis, not only at the Ministry of Magic, but also because the main meeting spot for their extended family, including the Potters and Weasleys, was at Grimmauld Place, where Sirius still resided. Teddy always wanted to go there to see his Uncle, and of course, Sirius and Hermione were friends.
He wondered if maybe she was working on this secret project that had her frazzled and tired with Sirius, and maybe that's why he was top of mind. Regardless, Remus trusted his best mate, who was currently shagging some leggy brunette PlayWitch anyway, and tried to fall asleep. Maybe he had nothing to worry about after all.
~o0o~
"Drinks later?"
Hermione could never not recognize that voice, but she kept her curly head down and focused on the paper in front of her that she had to sign and send off to the Department of Mysteries.
"Love, I'm not leaving until I get an answer…"
Hermione finally looked up into the startling blue-grey eyes of Sirius Black. Lately, she found that his gaze was almost arresting, and she hated that.
"I really can't. I'm exhausted from the rune-breaking and all of this inane paperwork that goes with it. I've barely had a decent conversation with Remus in days and I've hardly been there for Teddy," Hermione rattled off her list of excuses, getting more and more flustered by the second when Sirius just stood before her, listening, with a cocky smirk on his face.
"Those all sound like great reasons for a drink, don't you think?" He put a hand on her desk, leaning closer to her. Her heart started to race. What were they doing? What was this?
"I've told you 'no' a million times," she lowered her voice, referencing the dozens of other conversations they had had, either at work, or in his kitchen when no one else was around, or any other time he caught her alone the last few weeks.
"Then I guess today makes it a million and one. But look, Granger, one drink with a friend isn't going to kill you," he kept on and she tried her best to focus on her task in front of her, her hand shaking slightly as she signed the document.
"Have a drink with Remus then, have a boys night!"
"I'm not interested in a boys night, and you know it," his voice took on a deeper, flirtatious edge and she just waved a hand at him, urging him to leave her alone, trying not to watch him saunter casually out of her office and back to the Auror Department across the hall in his almost too tight to be acceptable leather pants.
Hermione spent the rest of the day lost in her own thoughts and not really getting any work done. She also found herself looking down at her left hand and the engagement ring and wedding band nestled together on her ring finger. It made her nearly want to sob with guilt, but yet, she knew she wasn't actively doing anything to stop Sirius. She just hadn't caved yet. It was the "yet" that scared her the most.
The crush that she had developed on Remus after her break-up with Ron was so much more than lingering schoolgirl feelings from her third year. She was completely in awe of the way he loved Tonks and the depths of which he mourned for her. He was a kind, sweet man, and a good father to Teddy. She saw all of these assets on a daily basis when she visited Grimmauld Place where he lived with Sirius for a long while after Tonks' death. She helped Molly and Ginny Weasley feed and change baby Teddy when Remus was too upset to get out of bed, and she was always around to play with him or read to him, until Teddy started to read to her. The stronger her attraction to Remus became, the more time she tried to spend around him, bringing him books to read or cooking for him. She thought he was the most handsome man in the world and when he finally saw her in front of him, really saw her, she took her chance. She admitted her feelings to him and their young marriage was everything she hoped marriage would end up being.
Except she did not know what had come over her the past few weeks. Well, actually she did have an inkling. His name started with an "S" and he was turning her world upside down.
Sirius Black had been a part of her life for as long as Remus had been. When he had fallen into the Veil in the Department of Mysteries her fifth year, she had felt the loss significantly. That summer, she came across some runes on the dais where the Veil sat and managed to decode them after several months. With the help of some Aurors, including Kingsley, they pulled Sirius out of the Veil. He was kept hidden after that until his name was cleared, but she was glad to have had a part in getting him back for Harry. Her work that summer was what landed her this job after she finished out her seventh year at Hogwarts after the war.
Despite this connection, Sirius had never treated her as anything but a friend, and although she was not blind to his physical appeal, she was so ridiculously attracted to Remus that it had never mattered. Sirius was one of the first people she confided in about her crush on Remus, and he helped it along with his somewhat obnoxious and often innuendo-laced prodding. In fact, he was so successful in getting Remus to notice her that she practically owed her relationship to him.
He was Remus' best man at their wedding, not to mention his best mate in the entire world. That was why Hermione couldn't have been more surprised when he started flirting with her a few weeks back. She knew he was dating someone, or at least repeatedly shagging some girl named Cynthia, she was almost sure that was her name, but yet when her, Remus, and Teddy were over visiting and she was making hot cocoa in the Grimmauld kitchen, he started this dangerous game.
There had never been explicit words spoken between the two that this was more than friendship. Sirius always just toed that line, and they had never ever touched inappropriately. Sometimes she felt she was manifesting all of this to be bigger than it was in her mind, that Sirius just wanted to talk and hang out as friends, but his winks across the room or his whispered, "You're beautiful"s made her question everything.
She felt like an awful wife to Remus to like the attention Sirius was giving her. She got everything she needed and more from Remus and now she felt as if she was walking along a precipice every day. She knew she was distancing herself from Remus mentally and physically, which only made things worse; the worry in his eyes was apparent and she noticed he wasn't smiling that much.
What am I doing? What is he doing? Hermione always saw Sirius as a hero. He was a good man; he had his demons, but everyone did. But now, was he the type of man to try and have an affair with his best friends' wife? And what type of woman was she to begin fantasizing about Sirius? To want him and push her own husband away? What type of rabbit hole were they falling into? She contemplated these questions the rest of her day, which only served to give her a raging headache.
To her dismay, when she stepped into the lifts in the early evening, Sirius was already inside the one she had chosen. She sidled next to him, away from the little old couple standing in the corner, but kept quiet.
"Have you thought about my offer more?"
"I need to get home to my family," Hermione said resolutely, trying not to look at him, knowing it might change her mind.
"I understand," Sirius replied gruffly as the lift came to a halt and opened out to the atrium of the Ministry. He walked with her out onto the black tiled expanse where wizards and witches were rushing around them to get to their own homes, "But Hermione…maybe just a cuppa at my place? There really is something I want to talk to you about."
"Fine, if it's quick," Hermione replied as they both headed over to the nearest floo. She knew she had made a horrible decision almost instantly, but threw the powder and said his address anyway.
When I hold you in my arms at night
Don't you know that you're sleeping in the spotlight
He was two steps ahead of her when she showed up in his hearth, already heading to the kitchen to fix them tea. Instead of following, she decided to wait on the mauve couch in the library, where they usually all sat during parties or after Sunday dinners. Sirius returned with two steaming cups a few moments later, but she ignored hers when he set it down in front of her and then flopped back onto the couch next to her. He stretched out his legs and she tried not to look as he stretched the rest of his body as well, particularly not at his crotch in those leather pants.
"What do you want?" her voice sounded as if she was scolding him and it caused her to blush. He turned to her, his gaze seeming to look right through her.
"Merely wanted to have tea with a friend," the smile on his face was proof that he knew he was getting her worked up.
"We aren't friends, Sirius," she scoffed.
"Really?" He faked a pout, "That's new to me, love."
"You know what I mean…What is this? Why am I here?" She wanted answers. She wanted to blame her stupidity on something.
"You came of your own will, 'Mione. You know exactly what this is," he set down his cup after taking a drink and his voice became a deep growl.
She felt as if she wanted to scream at him, she just wanted him to say it, "No, I don't! You won't tell me! Why won't you just come out and say it?"
"Saying it won't make it any less real. I think I've already proven that I am a shit friend. And you've already proven you have doubts in your marriage." His voice was low and almost hesitant, as if it pained him to say those things. It pained Hermione to hear them.
"I do not have doubts in my marriage. I love Remus!" She stood up from the couch, looking down at him, with his legs splayed and his five o'clock shadow.
"I know you do, but don't you realize that you share every moment of every day that you are with him with my dead cousin. He's not fully yours, and he never will be. I thought it would change when he married you, but she's never going to be gone. Doesn't that bother you?" Sirius asked her. Hermione was shocked at his bluntness, and enraged that he had tapped into something so deep inside her, an emotion she had pushed down for so far she almost forgot. She never wanted to hate or be jealous of a dead woman, especially a dead woman that meant so much to her husband and the little boy she thought of as a son. It wasn't right to feel that way.
And all your dreams that you keep inside
You're telling me the secrets that you just can't hide
"Sirius, you shouldn't say that…"
"I'll say whatever I bloody well want to say because it's about time someone did. Look, Hermione, I would have never started flirting with you if I didn't feel you were interested. You've realized exactly what I just said these last few weeks. I see it in your eyes when you and Remus come over. It may be wrong but I haven't heard you telling me to stop!" Sirius sat up from his relaxed position on the couch, looking intently at her, daring her to deny it.
"I've told you 'no.' I've told you I don't want to get drinks with you or go out with you…" Hermione sighed, exasperated.
"That is not the same as saying 'What the fuck are you getting at Sirius? I am a married woman!'" He finally stood up, now the one to look down at her, and he put his hands on her shoulders but she pushed them off.
"What about you and that model or whatever she is…?" Hermione ignored his previous statement, trying to make herself angry with him instead of at herself, to give her more of a reason to leave.
"What about her, love?"
"Charming, so bloody charming…." Hermione crossed her arms and put some distance between herself and Sirius. "It's a game to you. Was it a game back then…when you both were at Hogwarts, to see how many women you could steal from him?"
"No!" His voice trembled when he shouted it and it echoed around the library, "Shite, no, Hermione. I wouldn't be putting a thirty year friendship on the line if this was just a game."
"Then please, just tell me what this is, please." Hermione willed herself not to cry; she hated that she wanted to know the meaning behind this so badly. She hated that she wasn't a better person.
"I like you! Hell, I think I may even be in love with you!" He blurted it out and then ran a hand over his face, instantly regretting it, "'Mione, I've felt like this for longer than I should have…"
"Then why are you telling me now? Why?" She bit her lip hard. "I don't understand…I told you I was falling for Remus. You helped me. If you liked me, why would you do that? Why would you keep quiet and do this now?"
"Because I always knew you loved him and that he was the man you deserved. It wouldn't be right to interfere with that. But now, I don't know, 'Mione, I can't keep it to myself anymore. Remus and I…we had a conversation recently and it changed how I feel," Sirius hung his head. Hermione's heart was beating so fast she could hardly feel it anymore. They were now standing on opposites sides of the room from each other, poised as if ready to fight, expecting the worst.
"Tell me," her mouth formed the words but they were barely audible.
"I know you've been trying for a baby. I know you want one of your own."
"So?"
Sirius shook his head, almost laughing at the situation, "Don't you see? He doesn't want a child with you! He told me he's been putting contraceptive potion in your tea."
"You are a liar! How could you say such things? All to sleep with me?" She rubbed her eyes, now leaking tears. He stepped toward her and she stepped away, glaring at him.
"You deserve the truth. He can't let go. He's loves you but he just can't let go. I know you will never feel that way about me, but I've been around you enough lately and I know I make you wet…"
Hermione was flipping between so many emotions that she didn't know where she would end up; it was dizzying. She was horrified and saddened by what Sirius was saying, and embarrassed that he was aware of how her body craved him.
"Please don't say anything else about him." Her words came after a long moment of contemplation and he nodded, a silent promise that he wouldn't. She took her time walking back to the couch and sitting down. Sirius did the same, moving close to her and taking her in his arms easily with one hand on her waist. He placed her so that she was straddling his thighs and when she eased her body down onto his, she instantly felt how hard he was. He was unapologetic when he kissed her, running his fingers through her hair.
"I don't expect anything else from you Hermione, and no one has to know," he said between kisses.
"No one has to know," she echoed before her lips met his and her back arched against his touch.
You tell me that you want me
You tell me that you need me
You tell me that you love me
And I know that I'm right
'Cause I hear it in the night
A few hours later, Hermione unlocked the door to her and Remus' flat and set her bag on the table in the hallway. The lights were shut off but she found a note on the kitchen counter.
Hope work wasn't too terrible. There are leftovers in the fridge. Teddy is sleeping over at Harry and Ginny's because he's going to watch the Harpies practice in the morning.
Love you
Hermione swallowed back her emotion and smoothed down her hair as she walked down the short hallway to their bedroom. She had made sure she took a shower at Sirius' because she did not want to risk Remus smelling him on her this close to the full moon. When she peeked her head inside of the room, she saw his tall body with his back turned towards her, asleep. With a sad smile she changed into a nightgown without ceremony and crawled into bed next to him. She gently cupped his stubbled cheek and gave him a kiss on the forehead. She didn't deserve him and tonight had proven that.
When you close your eyes and you fall asleep
Everything about you is a mystery
She fluffed up her pillow and laid her head on it, closing her eyes when she heard a breathy whisper.
"Darling, I miss you…"
Her chocolate eyes snapped open, feeling even guiltier and she was about to reply to Remus when she realized he was still asleep.
"Remus?" She touched his shoulder gently, but he didn't move. His breathing continued evenly, and she wondered if he really spoke at all.
"Dora…"
Hermione was sure she had heard that, she had seen his lips move just slightly, but he was only sleep talking. But he was obviously dreaming about Tonks. Hermione cuddled close to him, rubbing his chest gently, wondering if he would say more. Maybe something about her, even though she knew she didn't deserve it as a wife right now.
"I do love you Remus," she whispered to him, almost in tears.
"….Come back to me…please, Dora…"
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're talking in your sleep
A/N: Hope you enjoyed! I know it's a bit different from what I usually write, but it begged to be written. Reviews would be lovely!
