Ch. 1: The Suicudal Club
"This is stupid," I cross my arms in the backseat while staring out the window.
"Dawn, you have to go." Buffy glances back at me from the front seat.
"I don't understand why I have to go back there. I've already been there for two weeks. Plus, they let you take me home for the weekend!"
"Dawnie-"
I quickly cut Buffy off, "No, don't give me any of that "Dawnie" crap. Did you see me try to jump into any oncoming traffic while I was home? Didn't think so."
"That isn't funny," Buffy glared at me, "And no I didn't because I was watching you 24/7 Dawn. They said I could take you home under extremely close supervision."
"Yeah, but that's what they say to everyone."
Xander pulled into the clinic. "Hey girls, we're here."
Buffy shot me a look and we got out of Xander's car. "Alright Xander, I'm gonna check Dawn in. Sorry you have to wait out here."
"Nah, I don't mind. Only immediate family allowed in, even if I have known Dawn since she was-"
"Xander." Now Buffy was shooting Xander a look.
"Right, I getcha. Sorry."
"Love you," I lean in and give Xander a hug. Each step I take towards entering the clinic makes me want to turn around and head for the hills; literally.
"Still don't see the point," I say hastily as Buffy opens the door.
"I know," Buffy says sympathetically, "but look, even if you were to come home there would be a lot of stuff to work out. You still wouldn't be allowed to sleep in your own bed or even make your own food. Dawn, is that really what you want?"
No, it wasn't what I wanted at all. I didn't feel like I was returning the same old house this weekend; it more felt like a crime scene. Buffy had to get a new carpet to hide the blood stains on the floor. My room had clearly been looked through as well. My handy pair of scissors were no where to be found. That's fine though, I don't have the urge to cut anymore. Kinda. Maybe. Okay so sometimes I do when I'm in group therapy. Can you blame me though? I thought there would be a few relatable kids but nope. There was this one guy, though. His name is Ryan Kelner. He was pretty nice to me and we talked for about two hours one night. That same night he also thought it would be a neat idea to try (emphasis on 'try') and grope me. Either way I didn't see him that way. I see myself with a girl. A nice, relatable, makes-me-laugh-and-forget-about-the-world kind of girl. Is that too hard to ask for?
My counselor had a private discussion with Buffy. Appearantly I'm showing "tremendous progress" and will be able to go home within a month. The thought of having to be stuck in the loony bin for another month didn't exactly excite me. Like Buffy said, even if I get to home I will have to be watched like a hawk for at least a few weeks. Fun, fun, fun. Now I have to attend group discussion. Fun, fun, and more fun.
"Okay guys, how about we all go around the circle and discuss how our day went," asks my counselor, Michael Brown.
Ryan Gropyface goes first, "My day was okay I guess. I mean I really miss my girlfriend, ya know?"
I seriously beg to differ. What a piece of work. Sometimes teenage boys can be a real-
"Dawn, what about you?" My thoughts are abruptly derailed.
"My day was fine. I went home this weekend so that was nice." It took me a few seconds to think of something to say.
"Dawn, that's great. Group, isn't that just fantastic?"
"Yes," the group murmurs in dull unison.
Forty-five minutes of character building and encouragement later, I was finally able to head back to my room. I don't have to share my room which is a positive side. The rest of my day was a blur. I'm ready to get better, but it's hard to do that when you're in a confining environment. Being in a depression clinic makes me more depressed in a way. But then I remember that freedom is just around the corner. I'll get to see Kit soon and the world will return to back to normalcy; I hope. She visited me at the hospital. It was pretty heartbreaking to see her cry. No one else from school knows why I'm gone for the month; they just think I went on vacation. I wonder if Tessa thinks about me. I mean like I wonder if she even notices that I'm not at school. Not like if she thinks about me in a romantic way. Not that I think about her in that way. No, no, no. Don't be ridiculous, that's just silly. Anyways, moving on as quickly as possible. I just want everyone to know that I'm not some physco teenager constantly on edge. I just had an incident; a kind of big incident. People will either bounce back from major incidents with minor damage or socially crash and burn. I figure I have no much to lose since people already think I'm somewhat crazy.
The next few weeks went as followed: Bored, lunch, meeting, bored outside meeting, bored, dinner. I haven't been able to see Buffy in the last three weeks either. Appearantly a person's last days in the clinic are "crucial to the final process of healing." It sounds pretty made up to me, but Buffy believed it well enough. But today is the day; the day I finally return to society! I pack up my shit faster than you wouldn't believe. I spend an hour waiting in the lobby, somewhat fearing that Buffy may have wanted me to stay here longer. I see Buffy walk through the door and to me she looks like Jesus; finally saving me from this goddamn place.
Buffy sees me and instantly smiles, "Buffy!" I yell. I run over to her and am swept up in a tight embrace.
"You wouldn't believe how good it feels to finally see you," Buffy won't let go of me just yet, "and you're finally coming home!" Buffy looks at me and playfully pinches my cheeks. I slap her on the arm and she starts pretending to have a chokehold on my neck.
"Excuse me ladies.",the secretary has a bitchy visage.
Buffy looks at me before retiring her chokehold, "I need to check Dawn out. Right, sorry." She then walks over there and begins filling out paperwork.
Suprise, suprise; I came home to a suprise party. The whole scooby gang was there, even Kit. I hugged everyone and we talked about how good it was that I was home. Everyone also steered clear of the reason why I wasn't home... can't blame em'. It's not like I was in the mood to explain to them "the healing process". Willow pulled me aside during the party and we had a little heart-to-heart. She hugged me and wouldn't stop crying, then I started crying and it was a big cry-fest for a while. Afterwards everyone left but Buffy let Kit stay over for a little while. She assured me that everyone thought I went on vacation; thank the lord Jesus. Then we caught up on the latest gossip and I had to pretend that I wasn't interested in knowing more about Tessa. Appearantly Tessa was trying to find me at school but stumbled into Kit. I guess now they are pretty good friends and if Buffy let's me out I can go to the movies with them this weekend! I had to play it cool but holy crap I'm excited. Well, becuase you know, Tessa seems pretty chill so I'm gonna be chill and hopefully make a new... friend. Yes, a new friend is what I will make.
"So," Kit nudges my arm, "Tess seems pretty into you."
"Really?" I roll my eyes and laugh playfully trying to cover up the fact that I'm about to piss my pants.
"Well, I mean I'm not 100% sure or anything, but like, she always wants to know about you."
"She's just curious that's all. Jeez Kit, it doesn't mean she wants in my pants." But I hope it means she wants in my pants...as a friend I mean.
"So what if she did though?"
"What do you mean?" I knew exactly what Kit meant, though.
"Ya know... what if she like-liked you?" Kit starts laughing but I find this conversation in no way funny. I want to crawl in a hole and die. For all Kit knows; I'm straight.
I awkwardly start to laugh and roll my eyes again.
"It would be like so awkward if she tried to ask you out. I mean you'd have to let her down pretty easy."
"Don't worry, I'm sure that's not gonna happen." I want to get up and walk out of my own house right now.
"If it did happen I'd laugh so hard. Like she isn't even your type." Kit is still laughing. She thinks this is one big joke.
"Why wouldn't she be my type?" I start to get more serious.
"Well, ya know. I didn't mean it to be offensive Dawn. It's just that I mean c'mon.. look at her! I'm not saying she isn't attractive but you could do better I think."
Woahhhh that pissed me the fuck off. "Okay Kit. First off, I don't care what you think; it matters what I think. Second, I don't obsess over looks like you do. I think Tessa is pretty. When you get to know someone's personality the rest falls in place, Kit. But you wouldn't know that because all you care about is screwing guys!" I didn't mean for that to sound so mean. Kit looks at me like she had just been hit by a car.
"Chill the fuck out Dawn. What do you like her or something?"
"No, I'm just sticking up for her! You claimed you were good friends but yet you're talking shit on her."
"Yeah, because I'm a teenage girl. Dawn, you barely even know her. I think Tessa is awesome! She is cool and funny alright? But seriously just chill. Maybe I should go. I think you need to sleep or something."
"Kit, no. I'm sorry. I've just been stressed out. The whole 'me-coming-home' situation isn't exactly easy. I'm sure you weren't trying to disrespect Tessa. Sorry I went all spaz-o on you, really."
Kit gives me a smile in return, "OK, all is forgiven. I should've been more sympathetic. I apologize to both you and Tessa, may both of you have a long and happy marriage!" Kit puts her hands up as if she were surrendering and starts to laugh again.
I playfully hit her on the arm, "Oh, shut up!" We both are laughing when Buffy enters the living room.
"Hey girls, hate to ruin the fun but Dawn should be getting to bed."
"It's okay, I was just getting ready to leave. Later, Dawn." Kit waves to me before exiting my house, "see ya later."
Buffy closes the door behind Kit and faces me, "So, ya ready for bed?"
"I'm ready for sleep, but I'm not ready to share a bed with you again."
"Dawn, you know the rules. I know you aren't going to do anything it's just to be safe. After the social workers see how well you are doing they'll let you have more freedom."
I'm not satisfied with that answer and roll my eyes.
"C'mon," Buffy pulls me up from the couch, "cuddling with me isn't all that bad, is it?"
"Depends if you don't hog all the covers this time." I give Buffy a smile and we head upstairs.
