Hey guys!

Hope you enjoy this little fic of mine. Thought the idea was too hilarious to pass up XD

Warning: MxM. Yaoi, etc.

For Customer Service Please Press 0

Sasuke sighed for the 73rd time that night. Yes, he had counted.

He lazily ripped the sheet of paper from the word search book and watched the completed puzzle float down to the pile of papers that littered the floor below his cubical. Onyx eyes drifted to the standard office phone that remained silent, as it had done every night since he started working at this poor excuse for a job.

His brother had worked as a phone sex operator for a part time job for the past year. He always heard from people who knew his older brother that Itachi's voice could make anyone cum in their pants.

Sasuke never thought his brother would take what they said to heart and actually get a job making people get off with his voice.

He also never thought his brother would find a way to get him a job at the same place after Itachi found out their parents wanted him to get a job for the summer. Sasuke would have protested until he was blue in the face but knew that it would have been utterly futile to go against Itachi. The man had ways of making anyone's life miserable. So he figured it would be better to skip the middle steps and admit defeat. Less bloody and painful that way.

He would have changed his mind on the fighting back portion of his plan if he learned the truth regarding the company earlier. It was pretty shitty of Itachi to wait until his first day to tell him it was for a gay phone sex line.

Sasuke had known his brother was bisexual and it hadn't bothered him until that day. Because, Itachi knew that he was straight. Itachi knew it and didn't find it important to tell him that he would be working at a phone company whose goal is to make their male employees sound like wanton whores so old dudes could whack off.

Sasuke was thankful when he managed to convince his new boss, Jiraiya, to let him work something other than an operator. It probably helped that he went into great detail the horrific gag reflex problems that would result if he was forced to describe anal sex.

The old man accepted his change in duties without too much of a fight, surprisingly. The youngest Uchiha felt a bit apprehensive of the strange twinkle in his new boss's wizened eyes when Jiraiya nodded and escorted Sasuke into the room that he was now familiar with.

The space was dubbed the 'customer service department,' but realistically speaking it could be more closely associated to a closet. The small room only had two cubicles that took up the most of the space, only leaving a tiny gap for someone to slide through to get to the other cubicle.

Sasuke took the one that faced the far wall away from the door, deciding it was the better alternative than the one facing the only entrance into the room. The door looked a little too close to the other cubicle's chair and Sasuke didn't particularly feel like getting smacked in the head if someone decided to come in to randomly check on him.

When he saw what he was supposed to do, Sasuke thought that this job would be a blessing in disguise.

He looked to be by himself for most of his time here. Jiraiya seemed the type of boss who was more free-spirited. Even though the man had to be in his upper fifties, he still wore loose fitting casual clothing and flip-flops. Hell, he even had his white hair grown far past his shoulders and tied it up in a ponytail. Sasuke thought the man was the type of boss that didn't care how his employees did their jobs, just that they did what they needed to do to get them done.

And going by the layer of dust on the other desk, he didn't think he had another person to man the phone with him. Which meant he didn't have to attempt to be civil or suffer through something like small talk to get rid of uncomfortable silences.

The best part is he was able to have this job that Itachi wanted to torture him with, without actually getting tortured. He worked at a gay phone sex line without having to do anything disgusting like talk to gay dudes.

Sasuke found out far too quickly that all of the assumptions he had on his first day were majorly wrong. This job was anything but a blessing. In fact, he felt it was very safe to say it was the absolutely worst job imaginable. Worse than a telemarketer.

Seriously, who the fuck is going to call a phone sex hotline for customer service?

Sasuke had been at this job for about a week now and he was about to lose his fucking mind. He hadn't received one phone call.

Not one.

One would think that means the job would be easy. He could bring stuff to do or possibly even play on his laptop if he got bored all the while getting paid to do it.

Nope. Apparently Jiraiya's laid back attitude and outward appearance was nothing but a facade. Sasuke found out early on that his boss acted like a true 'business man,' which meant that he couldn't bring anything to work with him that would affect the company's 'business ethic.' He discovered that he couldn't bring something to entertain him if it would make even the faintest noise that sounded like something technological.

The second a device like a computer or a cell phone made a 'beep,' Jiraiya would come out of nowhere, promptly ranting to him about proper business conduct and the need for disciplined customer service.

Sasuke refrained from mentioning that there wasn't any customer service since said customers didn't need to complain about anything. He didn't want to give Jiraiya a reason to fire him, or worse, make him take those kind of phone calls.

He was lucky to sneak in a word finder book, or else he would have shot up the entire place by now.

And going by the rapidly thinning puzzle book, he was quickly running out of options to prevent his sanity from cracking.

Sasuke performed his 74th sigh of the day and was about to start yet another puzzle when a loud noise broke the silence in the room.

He blinked in confusion as he stared down at the device on his desk that was making all of that obnoxious noise.

Due to the near constant monotony, his once quick mind had dulled so much that it took Sasuke almost ten seconds to realize that the phone was ringing. The phone he was supposed to answer.

He took a deep breath and picked up the receiver, only to wince when his mind finally got back online and reminded him what he was supposed to say once the phone actually rang.

And goddamn it all he had to say it or get fired.

He counted to three and then put the phone to his ear.

"Welcome to All Bottled Up. Where our boys would be happy to uncork your bottle all night long." He knew he sounded monotone and unamused, but it was either that or growling in embarrassment, and he didn't think the customers would take too kindly to that welcome.

Sasuke blinked at the wall of the cubicle, frowning when he heard nothing but silence.

He absolutely refused to say that terrible welcome phrase again so he responded to the emptiness with a "Hello?"

"... Roberto?"

Sasuke muffled a snort into his shoulder, wondering how in the hell Jiraiya came up with the pennames for his employees. He then recalled what name his dear boss had given him on his first day, stating that it was necessary to continue the ambiance with sex appeal, even when dealing with customers complaints. He personally thought the man was complete and utter moron to even think that his voice sounded even remotely Hispanic.

He gritted his teeth again and all but hissed out, "No, this is... Raúl. How may I help you?"

Sasuke had not expected the loud snort in response to his question.

"I'm sorry, you just sound exactly like Roberto when he answers the phone: absolutely condescending with a large helping of bored and annoyed."

Sasuke tried to take another deep breath, swallowing the comeback that tried to spill from his lips. Instead, he focused on what he was supposed to say next.

"How may I assist you today?"

The man on the other end paused before exclaiming, "Oh yeah! I have a complaint."

Without thinking Sasuke muttered, "Of course you have a complaint idiot. Why in the hell would you be calling the customer service line in the first place?"

Sasuke refrained from smacking his forehead on the desk when he realized he said that out loud. Expecting the man to ask for his manager, he waited.

Again the man surprised him by busting out laughing and rasping out between the fits. "Wow, dude. You and Roberto could be brothers. But anyways Raúl, yes I do have a complaint. About Roberto actually."

Sasuke paused to count to three when something in his memory clicked. On his first day working here, he walked by a white board, which had the schedule for all the workers for the week. It had their first name with another name at the end in parentheses. The one in parentheses was more often than not the most ridiculous name imaginable. He had asked Jiraiya about it only to find out about the alias system as well as how he would have a crappy name like all the others.

Sasuke's mind searched for the owner of the name 'Roberto' and then proceeded to sputter in his mind.

That was the name that Itachi had. He was currently talking with the man who had just had an imaginary sex fest with his older brother.

If Sasuke had the term "EW" in his vocabulary, that still wouldn't properly describe his current level of disgust.

Before Sasuke could say something to derail the other man from saying anything further that would potentially scar the youngest Uchiha for life, the guy continued. "Yeah Roberto. He was a total dick to me, and not in a 'ooh, I love teasing you baby' kind of way. When I asked him to play the catcher, you know what he said? He called me a moron! Can you believe that? The nerve of him!"

Sasuke pursed his lips in confusion, having no clue what this guy was talking about, "Excuse me sir—?"

"I'll have you know that I'm an excellent pitcher! I treat my catchers with tender loving care!"

Sasuke tried again, "Excus—"

"I take my time with them, making sure they are well prepared for my grand slams and curve balls and—"

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Sasuke panted from the sudden yell, annoyed that he had to raise his voice at all to get something across to the other.

"Huh?" Was the intelligent response to his outburst.

He sighed loudly into the phone as a means of trying to get rid of the still growing annoyance. "I said... what in the hell are you talking about?"

Somewhere deep down in the recesses of Sasuke's mind he knew that he shouldn't be talking to a customer like this, but for some reason this idiot rubbed him the wrong way. And as an Uchiha he had an innate sense of annoyance about not knowing something while someone else did.

"What do mean what am I talking about? Clearly, Roberto doesn't wanna be a catcher and I wanted him to. What don't you get?"

A black eye brow twitched repeatedly while Sasuke gritted his teeth. "I simply do not understand why you're talking about baseball references when you're calling a phone sex customer services phone line."

Silence filled the room again and then...

Sasuke was getting really tired of this man cackling so fucking loudly into his ear. At his expense. Just when he was about to hang up on him, the other man calmed down.

He took in a few gulping breaths into the phone before speaking, his voice lower and more playful than before. "You aren't gay are you Raúl." It was not a question but a statement.

He plucked at the corners of his forgotten puzzle book as he scowled at the gray wall of his cubicle again. "Not that it matters, but no, I am not gay."

The man snorted. "I figured."

When he didn't say more, Sasuke started to glare. "That didn't answer my question, idiot."

There was a groan before the other spoke again. "Naruto."

Sasuke blinked. "Excuse me?"

"My name is Naruto not idiot, and my dear straight Raúl, you do not want to know what I was talking about."

Sasuke clenched his teeth. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know."

He wasn't entirely sure why he wanted to know. He knew he wouldn't like what this man... Naruto was referring to. But he truly didn't like not knowing something. It didn't help that the other was giving him a hard time in the process either.

"What's your name?"

Sasuke paused at the random question. "I told you alread—"

"No you haven't. That is the name they gave you to tell us. Going by your voice, I'd say you're just as Spanish as I am. Now, what's your name?"

Sasuke's frown increased while he considered the question. "I don't think that is any of your busines—"

"You give me your name, and I'll tell you what you want to know."

He gritted his teeth until they creaked, hating that this complete stranger knew how to piss him off so easily. After two minutes of silence, save for a few small sounds of Naruto's steady breaths, he caved in. "It's Sasuke."

When Naruto didn't say anything back, Sasuke looked at the screen on the base of the phone to see if the line was still connected. When he saw the green means go light, he heard the other sigh.

"... Sasuke, hmm?"

A weird clenching in his gut resulted in the way this man had said his name. He looked at the gray paneling of the cubicle again while plucking at the cord of the phone. "Yeah, that's my name. Now tell me."

"Sasuke," he repeated as if really trying out on his tongue. The rumble of Naruto's voice while saying his name made Sasuke shift slightly in his office chair, suddenly uncomfortable with the strange situation he found himself in.

"I like that name. It suits your voice." Naruto made a humming noise in confirmation before continuing. "Why are you working at such a place if you aren't gay?"

Black eyes glanced down at the cord trapping his finger after he had twirled it around the digit without thinking. He pulled his finger free before looking back up and said blandly, "Summer job."

Naruto chuckled. "A summer job? At a gay phone sex line?"

Sasuke shrugged even though Naruto couldn't see him. "Didn't know it was a gay line until my first day, and my brother likes to make my life a living hell. He works here and got the job for me."

Naruto gave a light scoff, "Wow, seriously? Dude, you have a fucked up brother then. He gay?"

Sasuke scowled. "Bisexual, actually. He's the guy you mentioned in the beginning."

"Somehow I knew you were going to say that. What's his name?"

A weird discomfort bubbled in Sasuke's gut, quickly pointing the blame to his annoying brother and how he never liked talking about Itachi.

"If he didn't tell you after you two... I'm not going to tell you." He shifted again in his seat. "Which brings me to the real point: You haven't explained to me what you were referring to."

Naruto didn't say anything for a moment and then responded, "... interesting. It seems you brothers are more alike than I would have expected."

"What does that mean?" Sasuke asked defensively.

"Nothing, nothing," Naruto said in a sing-song voice. "You really wanna know what it means to be a catcher and pitcher, mister straight man?"

Unease pricked in his chest as he shifted yet again in his chair. He picked up the pen he used for the puzzle and clicked the button a few times. "I mean, I think I have a pretty good idea, but I want to hear it from the expert," he said, more harshly than he intended.

Naruto didn't sound offended when he spoke again. "Alright, but don't come crying to me when I leave you traumatized."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Just spit it out, Naruto."

Sasuke frowned when he heard a quiet "fuck" on the other end, wondering if he had somehow offended him or something. "Naruto? Stub your toe or something?"

The other man took a breath before speaking. "I just like the way you say my name is all. Sorry about that."

He took another breath before he continued, Sasuke stilled in his subtle fidgeting to listen "How to say it so you'll understand... Okay, a catcher is the person in a gay relationship that acts as the female role during sex. A pitcher is the dude who is the male role during sex."

Sasuke frowned harder and tilted his head. "Female role? Such a thing exists in a gay relationship?"

There was a pause before Naruto spoke, his tone disbelieving. "Yes, Sasuke. There is a guy who gets to fuck and a guy who gets fucked."

He wrinkled his nose. "What? Do you mean like a blow job or something?"

Another pause.

"... Sasuke are you being serious? You have a bi brother and you don't know what he does with other guys?"

Sasuke straightened his back and fought back the urge to take offense. "Well, excuse me for not wanting to know all about what my brother does in graphic detail."

"You really are being serious?" Naruto said as if discovering a certain treasure. "Okay, I'm going to ask you this next question, and I want you to know that I'm not messing with you. I just want to know. Sasuke... have you ever been with a girl? Have you ever had sex?"

His first response was to say that he had, like he had with all the other guys at school. But for some reason this guy made the usual words freeze in his throat.

It was true that Sasuke had messed around with a few girls from his high school and college, but for some reason he never wanted to go all the way with them. He never really had that much of a libido, only following along with the girls up to a certain point. His body had reacted to them, but the urge to complete the act never overcame him.

He thought that maybe he was gay but soon realized that couldn't be the case. The thought of getting intimate with another male made his stomach queasy and his gag reflex come to life.

Though that probably had something to do with an incident that happened when he was in middle school. He had stayed home one day due to a slight fever. His father was at work and his mother had left the house to pick up some cold medicine for him.

It wasn't ten minutes after his mother left that Sasuke heard the door to his brother's room thud closed.

At first Sasuke thought something was wrong with Itachi, as he was normally in class during this time. He scurried over to his brother's room and just as Sasuke raised his hand to knock, he froze when he heard two sets of moans and another thud. Sasuke quickly pulled the door open thinking Itachi was hurt, only to find him lying on his bed with his close friend, Kisame straddling his hips and sucking on his throat.

Sasuke had panicked when he saw that, thinking Kisame was hurting Itachi. His brother then told Sasuke that what the two of them were doing was consensual and hadn't realized that anyone was home. Apparently Itachi didn't think it was inappropriate to explain such a thing to his younger brother.

Ever since that moment, the thought of being with another guy made Sasuke repulsed by the idea, bringing with it flashes of his brother and Kisame sucking face. He had come to the conclusion that he was perhaps simply asexual, not wanting to be sexual with anyone.

It had stemmed from the fact that being an Uchiha gave him the power to appear higher in stance than everyone else. Every person outside of the family normally acted subservient to any Uchiha they come across, whether they noticed it or not. They always agreed with what the Uchiha said, figuring that they were the right ones. Sasuke once stated the most absurd thing just to see if the person he was interacting with went along with it. Though the person gave him a strange look, he eventually agreed with Sasuke.

But with Naruto... the man didn't give him any sort of acquiesce, and that realization derailed the way Sasuke normally thought. He did not know how to react to this man, and in the usual Uchiha fashion, he remained stubborn and stuck with what he originally did. For this instance, it would be finding out exactly what the fuck the damn moron was talking about.

During Sasuke's musings, he had forgotten that Naruto asked him a question, which turned out to be a dire mistake. The man took Sasuke's silence to be answer enough and even before he could do any sort of damage control, he heard a breathy curse on the other end of the line.

"Fuck Sasuke... really? Never?"

Sasuke feathers immediately ruffled. Although it was mostly the truth, Naruto did not need to know.

"I've had sex!"

Another god damned pause.

"Really?" The man sounded like he didn't believe him for a second. "So, you have actually done it?"

Committing to the lie, he said, "Yes. I've really done it."

"Describe it then."

Now it was Sasuke's turn to pause. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Describe it," his voice laced with humor.

Sasuke could feel his cheeks grow warm when he realized that Naruto knew that he was lying. He tried a different route. "Well I may not have done that but I've gone far with girls."

"How far?" The humor was gone from his voice and now had genuine curiosity.

Sasuke shrugged and ran his fingers through his hair. "Blow jobs and hand jobs and stuff."

He pulled a strand of hair behind his ear before picking at the book of paper until Naruto spoke again. "Hand jobs and blow jobs... that's it?"

Sasuke glared at the cubicle wall. "I do believe that that is more experience than a virgin. I don't see how those acts warrant a 'that's it' from you."

Naruto spoke, his tone trying to sound appeasing, "No, Sasuke. That's not what I mean. I meant... you didn't touch them?"

He paused in pulling at the paper again, a frown on his face. "What do you mean?"

The other continued, "Well, you say you received hand jobs and blow jobs from these girls you were with. Did you ever touch them? Like reciprocating?"

Sasuke thought about it, a scowl growing on his face when he couldn't come up with an instance. "I... guess I haven't."

"Why not?"

He shrugged and glanced to the side of the desk. "I didn't want to."

Sasuke's stomach suddenly rolled when Naruto grew quiet on the other end of the line. He did not like the time Naruto was taking to respond to him and was afraid that perhaps he had said too much about his own personal life.

"Sasuke..." He straightened in his office chair, setting his shoulders when he heard the hesitancy in Naruto's voice. "If... if you haven't ever touched a girl that way and haven't wanted to... how do you know you're straight?"

Not wanting to explain to a complete stranger the incident with his brother, he chose to settle with a half-truth.

"Because, none of the guys I have met have been attractive to me."

Sasuke could hear some rustling on the other end of the line, "Okay, look. I am going to say something, and I want to you to just hear me out. Because I know that if you are anything like your brother you are going to bitch and moan because I am taking you out of your little happy bubble. Just deal with it for a second okay?"

The frown on Sasuke's face came back as he plucked at the phone cord again. "I can't make any promises, but I will try."

He could hear Naruto mumble something about 'uptight bastards' before he continued. "Then just shut up until I am finished with this."

He sighed but didn't say anything. Taking that as an acceptance Naruto blurted: "I think you are gay. Not bisexual, but straight up gay."

The other made a 'shh'ing noise even before Sasuke could open his mouth to deny the accusation.

"You don't like touching girls. You do only the bare minimum in touching them because you think that's what you're supposed to do. That's been engrained into our skulls at a very young age. Roberto is an older brother right?"

The drastic change in subject made Sasuke hesitate. "... yes."

Naruto hmmed for a moment before resuming, "You don't like your brother because he's the older sibling that always did everything right the first time. It made you dislike him because he always outshined you. So when he declared that he likes other guys you subconsciously decided that wasn't something you'd ever like as well because you felt that you'd only be following in his footsteps.

"And being that the two of you are pompous assholes I think it's safe to say that you're from a wealthy hoity toity family so having your brother be so much better than you really chaps your ass."

Sasuke made a sound before a grunt and a squawk, something that made him instantly go quiet in embarrassment and allowed Naruto to continue.

"I think it's also safe to assume that when your bro said he's bisexual, and yeah Roberto seems to be the type of guy to hide nothing, he must have pissed off your parents to death. So not only are you keeping your sexuality a secret to not be like your brother, you're also trying to look better to your parents when you portray yourself as a straight boy."

Sasuke didn't know what to say once Naruto finally stopped talking, absolutely stunned from the multitude of questions that instantly popped into his head at the implications of the man's intuitive summations.

"Sasuke?"

He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. The only thing he could think to say was, "You're a psychology major aren't you?"

Naruto snorted. "Senior this year in college... you?"

Sasuke gave an uneasy breath. "Biochemistry major. Senior year."

Naruto laughed. "Biochemistry, huh? Why am I not surprised. Let me guess... Medical School, next?"

Sasuke grunted before finally ripping out a slip of paper in his book and crumpling it into a ball. "You're the man with all the answers, right?"

He gave a breathy laugh into Sasuke's ear before pausing. Sasuke frowned at the quiet until Naruto spoke again, his voice softer than before. "Hey Sasuke? You okay?"

He thought about it before nodding once. "Yeah... just trying to decide if the stuff you just said was completely ludicrous or only partially."

Naruto snorted. "No, I think I did pretty well with reading the two of you," he paused, "Hey... Can I call you again?"

Sasuke stilled at the question before scoffing. "Sure, idiot. It's not like I get too many calls here anyways."

Naruto chuckled. "Yeah, I see what you mean. Not many calls for gay phone sex customer service, huh?"

"Nope, you're my first." He winced when he realized how that sounded.

Naruto must have thought the same thing because he said, "Oooh, I got one of your first, did I? Maybe I can be another first for you some other time..."

Sasuke coughed into the phone. "I never said I agreed with your statement, Naruto."

"Oh, you don't have to." He could tell the man was grinning. "I already know I'm right."

Sasuke quickly changed the subject. "You never did tell me what you meant about that whole catcher and pitcher thing."

Naruto gave a deep chuckle into the phone and Sasuke refused to acknowledge the small shiver that went down his spine from the sound. "I'll tell you tomorrow, Mr. Customer Service Representative. Same time and place?"

Sasuke nodded slowly. "Yeah. I'll be here... by myself."

There was a small silence on the other end before Naruto said, "Okay. And Sasuke?"

He grunted in question.

"Tomorrow I want to talk dirty with you to see how 'straight' you are. Think you can handle that?"

Sasuke inhaled sharply at the voice that sounded so completely different than the one he had been talking to. Naruto's voice was husky and... dominating. He licked his dry lips. "I don't know. We'll just have to see." His voice wasn't as steady as he had hoped.

Naruto's laugh this time was edged with a low growl. "Oh, yes. We shall see. Good night Sasuke."

He cleared his throat. "Good night."

As Sasuke put the phone back on the cradle he couldn't help but stare at the gray paneling of his cubicle, confusion and an odd sense of excitement washing over him at the thought of what tomorrow may bring.

TBC

Review please!

Thanks so much for reading,

~Shini :)