A VERY POTTER SITCOM

SEASON 2, EPISODE 1!

"LEGALLY BLONDE"

(TV-14)

A parody on Legally Blonde with music from Legally Blonde the Musical. New characters, old characters, the whole nine yards. Great to be back, everyone!

P.S- I STRONGLY APOLOGIZE FOR THE 20 DAY DELAY! If it happens again, I will punish myself like Dobby does. BAD JACOB! BAD JACOB! UPLOAD ON TIME!

(The beginning sound of "Get back to Hogwarts" plays as the beginning credits show on screen)

YOUTUBE PICTURES AND FANFICTION PROUDLY PRESENTS

IN ASSOCIATION WITH STARKID ENTERTAINMENT

A JACOBKRAGOFF PRODUCTION

A VERY POTTER SITCOM!

SEASON TWO!

(The audience cheers as we see the stage and the music volume increases)

(We see the set for the Great Hall)

(We here Darren Criss singing overhead)

Darren, singing: I'm sick of summer, and this waiting around. Man, it's September and I'm skippin' this town. Hey, it's no mystery. There's nothing here for me (long note) NOW! I gotta get back to Hogwarts! I gotta get back to School. I gotta get myself to Hogwarts! Where everybody knows that I'm COOL! Back to Wizards and Witches and magical beast. Back to Goblins and Ghosts and to a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts. I think I'm goin' back.

(The door at the end opens and Chuck Criss, older brother of Darren and his replacement, enters, now dressed like Harry)

Harry: What's up? I'M BACK!

(Audience cheers wildly)

(He walks around the tables and begins singing)

Chuck/Harry singing: I'll see my friends, we're gonna laugh till we cry. Take my firebolt, gonna take to the sky. No way, this year ANYONE's gonna die! And it's gonna be totally awesome! I'll cast a spell with a flick of my wand. Defeat the new Voldy, yeah! BRING IT ON! And do it all with my best friends, just like Hermon and Ron, and it's gonna be (long note) TOTALLYYYYYY…..

(Everyone else on the show runs in and the crowd goes wild with cheering loudly)

WHOLE CAST: AWESOOOMMMMEEEEE! Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts! Back to Goblins and Ghosts and a magical feast! It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Hell yeah, WE'RE BACK!

(Song ends)

(Audience cheers)

(All students sit at the tables while the teachers, Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape, all stand in front of them, not facing the head table)

Dumbledore: WELCOME BACK KIDDIES! Now, it's going to be a VERY special year this year what with a weird resurrected version of Valdemort running around. But no pressure! There's nothing to worry about with our old security officer, Professor Umbridge!

(Gestures towards doors and everybody screams)

Dumbledore, laughing: I'm just kidding! But, of course you all remember my very good friend and secret crush, our very own Potions Professor, Professor Snape!

Snape, wide eyed as usual: Yay….. (Claps as audience claps more enthusiastically)

Snape: Well, now that my quiet summer is over and a new season of Doctor Who is starting, which I'll miss without TiVo, I have returned. I would like to apologize that only one of the episodes of Potion Master's Corner, yay, was aired here at Hogwarts instead of all of them.

Malfoy: No, it's okay. After last year, I didn't even watch your season premiere.

Snape, ignoring Malfoy: But rest assured we will have all episodes of season three up with no problems next summer.

(Students groan)

McGonagall: Also, we would like to show you all the new ceiling we installed.

Dumbledore: Yeah, it shows the sky.

(Everyone simultaneously and slowly looks up at the ceiling)

Everyone: OOOH. AHHH.

(McGonagall looks closer)

McGonagall: Albus, there's something wrong with the ceiling.

Dumbledore: Well, what makes you say that, Minerva?

(All of a sudden, heavy water splashes on all of them and it begins raining in the Great Hall)

(As it thunders loudly students yell in shock)

McGonagall: Just a hunch, Albus.

(A large, limping and scary looking figure walks in through the usual door, raising his wand up)

Strange man: FINITE!

(The rain stops and everyone sits there, soaking wet)

(The tall man removes his hood to reveal a fat, ugly and scared face)

(The man is Mad Eye Moody)

(Audience cheers)

(Mad Eye is played by actor of Sirius and Filtch heavy makeup)

(He has a wide eyed expression with a loud, wheezing way of breathing)

Dumbledore: Everyone, I'd like you to meet our brand new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Alastor "Mad Eye" Moody.

Jacob: Is his last name Moody because of some sort of mood swing problems he has?

Moody: NO! THAT'S BULLCRAP! I HAVE NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS WITH MY ATTITUDE! I AM SIMPLY FULL OF CONSTANT VIGILANCE! I HAVE NO SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS AT A-

(Sees Harry)

Moody, calm and normal: Oh, you're Harry Potter. (Shakes his hand and they greet each other)

(Moody stands and toughens up)

Moody, grunting: *Clears throat loudly* Well, if you're going to survive this year with that apparition of Voldemort running about, you'll need a lot of *suddenly yells* CONSTANT VIGILIANCE! Understand?

(Audience laughs)

Harry: Um, yes, sir.

Dumbledore: Harry, you look different. *Pause* Did you do something new to your hair?

Moody: Albus! *Leans in and whispers* Do you think I could be allowed to give Potter, Weasley, and Granger private lessons this year?

Dumbledore: Absolutely. Knock yourself out. *Addresses students* Now, kids we have another new teacher this year as well. He will not be able to join us this evening, however. You see, he is part of a brand new class that we have introduced to Hogwarts this year.

Neville, eyes closed and fingers crossed: Drama class, drama class, drama class.

Ron, doing the same thing: Cooking class, cooking class, cooking class.

Harry: Guitar lessons, guitar lessons, guitar lessons.

Malfoy: Something to do with Pigfarts, something to do with Pigfarts, something to do with Pigfarts.

Dumbledore: It is a Wizard Law Lawyer program.

(All students except Hermione groan)

Everyone: *Groan*

Ron, throwing a paper ball: Boring.

(Hermione stands up)

Hermione: It is not boring! Guys, being a lawyer in the Wizarding World can get you paid hundreds of galleons a case.

(Everyone stops groaning and suddenly smiles)

Jacob: When can we start the class?

Crabbe: Who can take it?

(All students begin yelling at each other)

(Dumbledore yells over them)

Dumbledore: We can't start fighting! You can all take the class, signups are later tonight. And we- Alaster, what's wrong?

(Moody is doubled up in pain)

Moody, to himself: Ah, I'm changing back. And I don't have any more Polyjuice Potion with me. Damn it. *To everyone* I must leave you now. I look forward to seeing you in classes tomorrow. See ya, kids. And remember, CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

(Very quickly limps off)

(Everyone is left staring)

Snape: Oh, when the hell are we going to get a normal Defense against the Dark Arts teacher?

(Dumbledore shrugs)

Dumbledore: God only knows. Well, off to bed kids! Nighty night!

(They walk off and the screen goes black)

(Commercial break)

ENJOYING AVP SITCOM? BUT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A DARKER STORY? CHECK OUT "TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE. THE STORY" ON MY CHANNEL OR EVEN BETTER, "HOGWARTIAN HELL" ON MY SECOND CHANNEL UNDER USER NAME, JACOB KRAGOFF. 2ND CHANNEL WITH NO SPACES. I'VE WORKED HARD ON THOSE AND WOULD LOVE SOME MORE FEEDBACK ON THEM. ALSO, LOOK FORWARD TO MY LARGE FREDDY CRUGER FANFIC COMING SOON THAT CROSSES OVER HARRY POTTER, PERCY JACKSON, GOD OF WAR, AND MORE AS THEY ALL DEAL WITH THE TERROR OF FREDDY CRUGER FROM NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.

DON'T FORGET TO DONATE MONEY TO STARKID PRODUCTIONS. ALSO, CHECK OUT STARKID'S NEW NOVEL "THE BULLY BOOK" DETAILS ON YOUTUBE. MAKE SURE TO LOOK OUT FOR THE MOVIE PRODUCTION OF "THE BULLY BOOK" CREATED BY MYSELF AND OTHERS COMING SOON TO A YOUTUBE NEAR YOU! MOVIE APPROVED BY STARKID BY NOT SPONSERED BY STARKID. COMING MOST LIKELY SOME TIME IN LATE 2012 OR EARLY 2013, UPDATES AND TRAILERS COMING TO YOUTUBE SOON!

(End of Commercial break)

(We return to see Harry, Ron, Hermione, Seamus, Dean, Neville, Cho, Jacob, Lavender, the extra girl with no name who always stands in a group with Cho and Lavender, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle all sitting in a large classroom with a large, brown door)

(Everyone is sitting, talking excitedly)

Hermione: If this class goes well, like all of my classes, I plan on becoming a Lawyer when I leave Hogwarts. It's a well-paid and very respectable career.

Ron and Harry, flatly: That's great, Hermione.

Hermione: I really want to learn how to place arguments in front of a load of jurors. I'm sure I'd be good at it.

(Ron and Harry look at each other and then look away)

Ron and Harry, flatly: That's great, Hermione.

Hermione, quickly: And I really hope that I can pass this class at the top, I mean that WILL look much better on an application, of course I've never exactly wanted to be a lawyer until now. Before I decided to take this class, I really wanted to be a Wizard Cop, but now that just doesn't really seem the right profession for me. I'm sure that I know how to do it, of course, but that's really quite actually beside the point at hand here-

Ron and Harry: Shut up, Hermione.

(Audience laughs and Hermione is quiet, looking slightly hurt)

Cho: I wonder who this strange man will be that will be teaching us. I mean, there's just nothing better than a new teacher, wouldn't you say?

Malfoy: I actually heard it's somebody we might recognize. I hope that's a good thing, because there are a lot of people we might recognize that we wouldn't want to see again….like Umbridge.

(The entire class shivers and looks terrified at the thought)

Hermione: I heard that this teacher was considered to teach Defense against the Dark Arts, because he has experience teaching it, but that he was assigned to this job after becoming a lawyer for the Ministry.

Jacob: Didn't he represent Quirrel on an appeal to get out of Azkaban?

Harry: Yeah, I heard about that. I also heard they lost so, I guess that shows this guy's good at what he does, right?

(The class laughs)

(There is a knocking on the door and the class quiets down)

(The door opens and Remus Lupin walks out to loud applause from the audience, smiling at the students)

Lupin: You have the right to remain silent. Anything that you say can and WILL be held against you. *Pause* What's up, gang?

(The students cheer)

(Harry runs up to great his old teacher)

Harry: Oh, Lupin, I thought you were dead.

Lupin: Yeah, well. I thought so too until I got the phone call from Dumbledore saying I was back on as a teacher.
Harry, happy: Al right!

Lupin: Yeah!

(Harry sits)

(Quick piano music plays)

Lupin: Now when you choose a law career, the moment you embark, there's always that joke you're bound to hear, "A lawyer is a shark".

(Class laughs)

Lupin: Well, ignore that! It's simplistic and it's dumb. Only some of you will turn out sharks, just some…but the rest of you…are chum…

(Music becomes slow and dance like)

Lupin, singing: Our topic is blood in the water. Kids, it's time you faced…law class is a waste. Oh yes, unless, you require a taste for Blood in the water, dark and red and raw! You're nothing until the thrill of the kill becomes your only law. (Beat)

Lupin, speaking: Seamus, hypothetical question. Would you be willing to defend the following banker accused of fraud? *singing* A kind old grandma took her savings and she sent it off to your client, all she saved since she was born. Well, he promised to invest it, but he spent it, on prostitutes and heroine and PORN!

(Beat)

Seamus: No, I would not want to take that case.

Lupin, speaking: Wrong! This is a win unless you're lazy! Grandma's broke; she'll have some hack from legal aid! Put her on the stand and call her old and crazy. Your guy goes free and he can get you high and laid!

(Beat)

Lupin, singing: Look for Blood in the water. Read your Thomas Hobbs, a Muggle who says that only spineless snobs will quarrel with the morally dubious jobs. Yes, blood in the water. Your scruples are a flaw.

(He turns to the extra girl we've always seen)

Lupin: Pavarti! Hypothetical question. Would you be the right lawyer for the following client? (Sings) Say, they offer you a bundle for defending a famous hit man for the Wizarding mafia elite. Seems he missed his chosen prey, killed a nun, and drove away, running over three cute little puppies in the street.

Patil: What, you think I wouldn't defend him just because he's a typical man? *Laughs hysterically*

Lupin, smiling: Ah, yes, Pavarti. Ah, yes….(serious expression) You lesbians think you're so tough, don't you?

(Students gasp and smile, Malfoy laughing, as the audience laughs and begins clapping)

Pavarti, stammering: But…I…y-you…

Lupin, shouting and singing: OH! I fear my comment has offended! Hard to argue, though, when you're too mad to speak. Your employment will be very quickly ended when they see how your emotions make you weak! (Beat) So I wanna see….Blood in the water! Dark and red and raw! You are nothing until the thrill of the KILL becomes your only LAW! (Beat) So, what's my point? Guys, I now have a billion galleon law firm! And I hire a group of new interns every year. From this class, I will select some young sharks whom I respect and those kids will have a guaranteed career!

(Beat and pause as Hermione looks at him, surprised and excited at the news)

Lupin: So, I wanna see….what?

Students, uncertainly: Blood in the water.

Lupin: Yes! DARK AND RED AND RAW!

(He turns to Cho)

Lupin: Would…uh….would you like to answer a question now, Cho?

Cho, enthusiastically: Yes! Definitely!

Lupin: Someone's had their morning coffee. (Students laugh) Would you please summarize the case of the Werewolf support group vs. the Vampire Underworld Counsel of 1712?

(Audience laughs)

Cho: Um….actually….I wanted to answer the puppy question.

Lupin: Aw, but, Cho, I'm asking you about the assigned reading last night.

Cho: Okay, who assigns reading on the first day of class? (Laughs)

Lupin: Cho, I've changed now. I'm much more of a hard ass and it seems you still have guts. Hermione! (Angrily as music beats darkly) HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION!

(Pause)
Lupin: Let's say you teach a law class at Hogwarts Wizard School. A position you are justly proud about. But the student, on whom you call, hasn't even read the case at all! Should you let it go or-

Hermione, proudly: No. I'd throw her out!

(Beat as everyone looks at Hermione and Lupin with shock)

Lupin, to Cho: Alright, then. You heard your classmate.

(Students stand)

Students: Ooohhoo.

Lupin: You've just been killed.

(Cho stands and grabs her bag, looking scared of Lupin)

Students: Ooohhoo.

Lupin: She cut your, throat. So, grab your coat! *She grabs her coat*

All, except Cho: Yes, you've got guts, but now they're spilled. Your…..blood's in the water.

Lupin: So, would you please withdraw? (They step out of the classroom and the door turns so that we see Cho standing in the hallway with Lupin and the class in the doorway)

Lupin: And if you return, be ready to learn. Or is that unfair? Oh, wait. I DON'T CARE! That's just how I rule in life and in school with fear and gear and gall! You're nothing until-

Students: Blood in the water.

Lupin: The thrill of the kill.

Students: Blood in the water.

Lupin: Becomes your only LAW!

Students: BLOOD IN THE WATER!

Lupin: YOUR ONLY LAW!

Students: BLOOD IN THE WATER!

Lupin: YOUR ONLY LAW!

Students: BLOOD IN THE WATER!

Lupin: YOUR ONLY LAW…..AWWWAAA!

Students: BLOOD IN THE WAAATTEEERRRR!

(Song ends as Lupin pulls doors abruptly shut)

(Audience cheers)

(Commercial break)

(We return to see Harry and Ron in the Gryffindor common room)

(Ron has his back to the camera and his fixing something)

Harry: Are you almost done, man?

Ron: Yeah. (Turns to the screen and steps away to reveal a microwave oven) I think that outta do it.

(Audience laughs)

Harry: Alright, now we can make hot pockets and stuff while we're supposed to be doing homework.

Ron: Sounds like a plan to me.

(They high five)
Ron: Okay, buddy. What should we microwave first?

Harry: Oh, Chinese food. Duh!

Ron: Yeah, they hardly ever serve stuff like that down in the Great Hall. That and pizza.

Harry: Yeah, I mean we like LIVE on chicken here.

Ron: I know.

(He pulls out a black, circular container with Chinese food in it from a large box)

Ron: Okay, so two minutes outta do it.

Harry: 'K.

(We quickly cut to Cho sitting in the Library looking hurt, Hermione walking by her)

Cho: Hermione, do you still hate me?

(Hermione pauses and then turns to Cho)

Hermione, angrily: Cho. I'm sorry, but you're still full of yourself. You know, I can't even remember a time when you weren't talking about how every guy in Hogwarts wants to date you. I mean, I'm dating Ron and he even seems to like you better.

Cho: Well, I don't mean to come off like that.

(Seamus and Dean walk by)

Seamus and Dean: Hi, Cho.

(Cho sits back, showing leg and flipping her hair in a very sexy motion)

Cho: Hi, boys.

(They stare for a moment)

Seamus and Dean, faintly (almost whispering) while smiling largely: Bye….

(They turn to walk away but Hermione walks in front of them)

Hermione: Hi, boys.

(Flips her hair back and does a weird face that is attempting to look sexy but instead comes off as she smelled something odd)

(They freeze and say nothing)

Seamus and Dean, quickly: Bye!

(They rush off)

Hermione, frustrated: See? The only time I ever looked good was at that dance in second year. You know, the night your boyfriend got killed and Voldemort returned to the world.

Cho: Yeah, that was a weird night.

Hermione: Well, Professor Lupin is only letting a limited number of students go to work as interns for that court case. I am NOT going to favor anybody.

Cho: Then how come you were just doing Harry and Ron's Law class homework?

(Pause)

Hermione: Um….they're busy with an important project right now.

(We cut to Harry and Ron sitting on the couch while the microwave is on)

Harry: Hey, Ron.

Ron: Hm?

Harry: How much longer until our two minutes is up?

Ron: Oh, just a few more minutes.

Harry, smiling: Oh.

(Audience laughs)

(Cut back to Hermione and Cho)

Hermione: Anyway, I don't think I should waste my time standing here talking to you. I am a beautiful person (begins to walk toward the door) and I am not gonna stay here and let you make me feel like some, dumb ugly person.

(Opens door and we see Jacob)

Jacob, wide eyed and shocked: OH, GROSS! NIGHTROLL!

(Runs away)

(Audience laughs hard)

(Hermione looks very upset and then runs through the door)

Cho: Hermione, wait! Oh, shoot! Well, maybe Ron and Harry Potter'll help her. After all, they are two intelligent, young, strapping boys.

(Cut to Harry and Ron standing around the microwave)

Harry: Are you sure it still needs to stay in there?

Ron: Just a couple more minutes.

Harry: You said that a couple of minutes ago!

Ron: WELL, I CHANGED MY MIND AND I'M SAYING IT AGAIN!

(Dumbledore and Snape walk in)

Snape: What the DEVIL is going on HEEERRREEE?

(They see the microwave)

Dumbledore: Um, Harry, Ron, what the hell is that thing doing here?

Harry: Oh, we're making Chinese food.

Dumbledore: Chinese food?

Harry and Ron: Yeah.

Snape: Well, (walks over to the large box) Are the smaller containers microwavable?

Ron: Yeah, totally.

(The microwave explodes and there is smoke everywhere)

(The group of four coughs and waves their wands to clear the smoke)

(Snape picks up the box and reads it)

Dumbledore: What the hell, Weasley? I thought you said it was microwavable.

Harry: We thought it was.

Dumbledore: Well, YOU THOUGHT WRONG, DIDN'T YA?

Harry: How were we supposed to know that it would…

Dumbledore: Explode?

Ron: There was no warning label on the container!

Snape: There's a warning label on the box.

(Audience laughs)

Harry: Detention?

Snape: For two weeks, Potter. And ten points from Gryffindor!

Ron: Okay.

(We cut to Law class the next day)

Lupin: Okay, gang. Now, I was a jerk yesterday. I miss being everybody's favorite teacher and I promise to be nicer from now on, okay?

Class: Okay.

Lupin: Good. Cho, I apologize to you in particular.

Cho: Oh, it's alright!

Lupin, smiling: Good. I'm glad to be back. And I want you all to know that I missed you.

(He walks to his desk)

Neville: Professor, may I ask who we will be defending soon?

Lupin: Oh…..um…..you're not gonna like it. I mean, I don't.

Ron: Is it Taylor Lautner?

Lupin: Um…It's Umbridge.

(Audience gasps and laughs as students all look terrified)

Jacob: Dun DUN DUUNNNNN!