I offer this up as a nice bit of queer poly representation in the face of literally dozens of nasty anons I got daily about this topic.
Also note that since Phil gets a lot of hate, I'm gonna do a lot of it from his perspective.
This is an au to my own fic, it exists in the world of seasons 3 & 4, but is not part of their storyline. I have big plans for Rae and Finn and Phil, and as lovely as this particular story is, this isn't how it's all gonna go down for these three…
Anonymous asked: Is fanningon not continuing her series 4 fic? Is she just writing the poly and elsa ones now?
facephase:
She will continue her series 4 fic after she's done with the poly fic. If i'm not wrong, she's not continuing to series 5 but will delve into elsa's backstory instead.
Correct me if i'm wrong, Ems. fanningon
yeah i will finish up season four, and then maybe do a shortened season 5? there's still some things i wanna finish in that story,.
but to be honest, the hate mail has gotten me reluctant to come back to writing fanfic, and the rage that fueled me to start writing the poly fic has been extinguished now.
soooooo, i WILL finish season 4 (some season 5 stuff) and i WILL finish poly fc (i already have both all planned out) but it might just take me a while to get to them. i wrote over a million words in 7 months on mmfd fanfic - i just need a break for a bit. i WILL Be back! promise.
but check out the elsa fic ( post/104126414692/fiction-masterpost) to keep you occupied if you want.
cheers
xo
'Do I Wanna Know?' by Arctic Monkeys
I'm sorry to interrupt it's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you…
Phil looked up when he heard her cheering voice. His eyes flicked back to the game and then back up at her. It was a cold blustery day and Bethany was sitting next to her, huddled together for warmth, both screaming their lungs out in support. Phillip lowered his eyes and looked back at the field. He had to stop looking at her with that hunger he could feel in the pit of his stomach.
Since she had said no to him in Lincoln, several months ago now, he had been working overtime at getting his urges under control. Knowing that she loved him, wanted him, but chose Finn anyway was one of the hardest things Phil had ever had to go through. He didn't understand why love had to be destroyed like this for the ideal of the purity of the one true love. But he had to accept what she wanted. He had to be a good man. And he had to stop looking at her the way he was. They were just friends, and her friendship was deeply important to him. But even months and months of just being friends didn't stop the desire that existed between them. Every time they were alone something came to life and it was still almost impossible for him to keep himself under control around her.
He wondered if it would have been easier to not know how she felt. For her to have just said a flat out no and told him she had no feelings for him.
His whole body balked at that idea. The thought of having never kissed her, never having held her, touched her, lain with her…
He shook his head and focussed his mind back on the football match. It was getting harder to focus when she was around, but he still had enough will power and strength to force himself to do what he must.
He looked around the field and saw Finn.
Finn Nelson had been a constant figure in his life since he had first had feelings for Rae. Their relationship was fiery, to say the least. Phil reflected how much he used to despise Finn. But now they had become friends. Probably Finn had felt pity for him at first, but now he seemed to genuinely enjoy Phil's friendship. And Phil definitely enjoyed his. It made this whole thing easier knowing what kind of man she had chosen.
It was strange to be playing on the same team as Finn. Last year they had been opponents at all of these PE class matches. This year Macca had him and Finn playing the wings to coordinate their attacks to shut down the first year class.
And they worked brilliantly together.
There was an unspoken understanding across the field of what they needed from each other, and just a glance was needed to strategize; both completely, intuitively understanding the other. With Macca in the centre position, they felt like a pack of wolves hunting their opponents, bringing them down, drawing blood.
He couldn't wait for the AFL match that was coming up in a few months; this year it would be in August after the exams.
Phil used to hate football and most other team sports, but last year after the AFL match, with its raw physicality, he had come to love the brutal masculinity of these sorts of sports. He'd become hooked, and Finn had more than once told him he was part of the tribe now; a caveman like him.
The feeling of his lungs pumping air into his blood, his heart thudding, his eyes hunting, his mind on the prize; shut them down, steal the ball, get a goal… he loved it.
"Good game lads!" Macca smacked Finn's arse and gave Phil a nod before he headed into the showers. Finn plonked down on the seat next to Phil and started to undo his shoes.
"We make a great team." Finn noted; they had decimated the first years: 6-0.
"Too right, we do." Phil agreed and pulled his shirt off, throwing it haphazardly into his bag. Finn noticed the movement of Phil's back muscles.
"The boxing's paying off mate." Finn noted and Phil looked over his shoulder at him.
"Oh yeah?"
"I mean you always had pretty impressive muscle definition, but you've definitely gained some size and stronger definition in your upper body." Finn had learned a lot from Rhys, and while he had been doing his personal trainer training, he had begun to unconsciously take on some of his habits. Rhys had the habit of touching people when he was considering their physicality in regards to their training, and Finn found his fingers running along the subtle muscle of Phil's lower back. "We need to work on your core strength a little more." Finn stood up and put his hands on Phil's waist, turning him around as he inspected his body. Phil was used to this now and allowed himself to be poked, prodded, and turned around. It had been strange the first time, but he couldn't argue with Finn's results, so he didn't argue with his methods.
"Alright." Phil grunted in response.
"Let's check your legs then." Finn ordered.
"Is this really the place for it?" Phil noted that they were still at school, not at the still to be re-named boxing joint.
"Aye I s'pose not!" Finn laughed, "I just get caught up in your body, you know?"
"Taken out of context Finn…" Phil laughed and they both shrugged. "I think you're doing an amazing job on my training."
"Aye I know I am." Finn nodded at his body, "You'll always be skinny through the waist; it's how you're built. But you're starting to look more like a boxer. How you feeling but?"
"Stronger." Phil answered, "Much, much stronger." He sat back down, and like Finn continued to unlace his shoes. "And more physical, like I got more of a physical presence. More confident."
"Good." Finn kicked his shoes off and took his shirt off in the same action. Standing, he dropped his pants and grabbed his towel, his eyes returning to Phil, he was folding his dirty shirt now. Finn grinned; it was so like Phil to be so neat. He watched Phil pull out a towel and stand, dropping his pants and leaving them beside his bag, before his eyes went up to Finn's eyes.
"Coming Phillip?" Finn popped the last 'p' in Phil's name and Phil rolled his eyes before throwing his towel over his shoulder.
"D'you know, the first time you popped the 'p' in my name, I couldn't fathom how you could show so much contempt for a human being in one small sound." Phil shook his head as they headed to the showers together.
"Aye it's a fucking gift!" Finn laughed.
"One of many." Phil shot back.
"You saying I'm gifted with a bunch of nasty, mean-spirited talents?"
"Shut up Gwyn." Phil put his towel over the door to his shower stall and turned the water on. The shower stalls covered from knee to chest on an average sized man, and everyone was laughing and joking about how bad the first years had lost. Finn took up residence in the shower beside Phil and turned on the water.
"I'm sorry if it upset you that I popped your 'p' again." Finn said with a small cheeky grin. His tone showed that he clearly meant it; he'd been keen to look after Phil because he could so thoroughly empathise with how he was feeling about Rae. But lately he found himself seeking out Phil's company more and more. Finn didn't think about it much; he just liked the guy. How could he hate a lad that loved Rae so much, and put her needs so completely ahead of his own? Plus Phil was whip-smart and pretty much good at everything he tried; which made for an excellent rival to keep Finn on his toes.
"Nah, you don't have the same contempt anymore, so I really don't mind." Phil shrugged and started to lather his soap. He looked over at Finn to see him doing the same and felt an odd pulling in his stomach when he saw Finn's eyes on him. He'd noticed this odd pulling a lot lately. The last few months had seen an increase of the time they spent together and the fondness he had for the Neanderthal.
"We doing painting tomorrow?" Finn asked, his eyes lingering for a moment before he slowly looked away. Lads didn't look at each other directly like this in the showers, at least not for too long… Phil cleared his throat and looked away. Phil had gotten used to Finn's eyes on him; he was his trainer after all. Finn had a pretty intimate knowledge of Phil's body now. Phil didn't mind.
"Yeah of course."
"I'm really enjoying painting." Finn replied, "I can't wait to show Rae what we're creating."
"What you're creating." Phil reminded him. Finn looked up to see Phil's eyes on him and felt an odd tingle in the pit of his stomach.
"I couldn't do it without you." Finn looked Phil in the eye and they paused for moment, staring at each other. There was an intimacy, a closeness in that look. Phil supposed it was a closeness born of their shared love for Rae. He felt an unexpected blush rise on his cheeks and turned to the water, plunging his face under the too hot water. It wasn't the first time he'd felt himself blushing around Finn lately. He didn't think about it. He tried to not think about Rae or Finn. It was easier that way. But sometimes he had to think about them. And sometimes he couldn't stop himself.
When Finn got out of the showers only a few minutes later to hurry off to physics, Phil lingered on in the shower. He leaned on the wall, the hot water streaming down his back, listening to the shower room slowly emptying. He had a free period and was planning to head to the library in a few minutes. He decided to take a moment to examine that blush… the feelings in his gut he'd been getting with greater frequency over the past few months.
The friendship he and Finn had forged was one of the things sustaining him through all of this, and he supposed he was growing closer to Finn because of his own emotional issues. He took a deep breath and the feeling of Finn's fingers on his lower back came back to him. Phil rolled his shoulders back slowly and stood upright, washing his face in the water again.
His mind ran around in circles, not sure what to make of his strange reactions to Finn… but lately they'd been increasing. An odd pulling in his stomach, tingles down his spine, a blush rising on his cheeks. And was he imagining Finn's eyes lingering on him?
Phil bit his bottom lip and tried to get his thoughts and feelings in order.
Finn was a mate. He was a good mate.
Phil slammed the water off and grabbed his towel; this was going nowhere so there was no point thinking about it. It only made everything harder. Best to just go and do his homework in the library, like he had originally intended.
Phil shook his head at himself when he realised that he'd taken the long way round to the library so he could walk past the classroom he knew Rae would be in.
"Just stop it Phil." He whispered to himself as he snuck a look in the room, walking past without stopping. It was empty. His brows furrowed and he guessed the teacher must be away and there was no substitute.
He froze, the thought of finding her tumbling around in his head, sending shivers down his spine.
"Go. To. The fucking library." He told himself sternly and made his feet move again.
He claimed a table by the back window overlooking the seats at the back of the school. He looked out at their table; she wasn't there. He had no doubt she'd be there eventually; she almost always ended up there in her free periods.
"Stop looking." He whispered and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he made himself turn away from the window and sit down at the table, taking out his homework and reading it over, listing the kinds of books he needed to look up for reference. He looked down the list and memorising what he needed got up to head to the stacks.
He walked up and down the aisles, his fingers along the spines of the books, scanning the names, not paying attention to his surroundings, his lips pursed in concentration. He stopped and pulled a book from the shelf, opening it, his long, agile, fingers caressing the page slightly. He loved books. The smell of them, the feel of them in his hands, the knowledge he gained from them.
"English homework?" Phil snapped out of his deep concentration and turned his eyes to her. Of course it was her. He nodded. "Me too." She smiled grimly, "Mrs Vines is really heaping it on us!" She chuckled, shaking her head.
"Ah yes, second year of college. An absolute fucking turd of a year." He grinned and she returned it. It had been two weeks since they had had a moment alone; Phil had been studiously avoiding time alone with her. He gripped the book as she came closer, her eyes on him. She noticed his breath catch and took a step back; the heat between them was still too great to be so close when they couldn't…
"What are you doing your essay on?" Even Rae could hear how breathless her voice had become. It was an unavoidable side effect of being this close to him. As was her complete inability to take her eyes off his unless it was to look at his lips. He seemed to be afflicted in a similar manner.
"Uh…" He ummed uncharacteristically. Phil almost always had complete control of himself. "Uh, the effect Queen Elizabeth had on Shakespeare's writing. Maybe?" He gathered his thoughts together with supreme effort.
Rae tried to gather her own thoughts. Since she had said no to him at Lincoln, she had expected everything to get better, for her feelings for him to flow away slowly, peacefully, for him to be free of her and able to find love. For Finn to finally know for sure that he was her one. But here she was months later, still unable to take her eyes off him. If anything it was getting worse and worse. She tried to look away and saw his fingers, holding the book open and had a flashback to those strong fingers slowly, gently making their way into her knickers as they had in Lincoln.
God he knew how to use those fingers.
Phil followed her gaze to his fingers and felt them twitch slightly. He tried not to think of his fingers on her skin, tracing down her body. He tried not to let his mind return to how it had felt to slip these fingers inside of her, how she had tasted on his fingers. His eyes shot back up to her face.
"You?" He tried to keep the conversation going.
"What?" She asked her eyes snapping back up to his face.
"What are you gonna do?" He tried to make his voice sound less hungry. Tried to force his eyes to not drop to her lips.
"Um… I dunno…" Her eyes dropped back to his lips, "I really wanted to explore some of the more controversial interpretations of his work, but I'm not sure I can make it fit…" Her eyes lingered on his lips for a moment and she forgot to keep speaking for a moment. She blinked, trying to get herself under control, "um… with the topic." She added. "Not sure I can make it fit with the topic." She cleared her throat again.
"I'm sure you'll find a way."
Neither of them had noticed the small shuffling steps they had taken, slowly bringing them closer together, Phil noticed he could feel her breath on his forearm and before he knew it his hand was on her face again. There was an achingly short moment of staring longingly at each other.
"Damnit." He took his hand off her face. "I'm sorry Rae, I need get myself under control." It was the main reason he'd been avoiding time alone with her.
"I don't mind." She whispered. Every part of her wanted him to rip her clothes off and fuck her up against the library stacks. She could almost feel his penis sliding into her, so real was the image in her mind, so deep the desire. She shook her head slightly to free her mind from that image and looked away slightly. "I'm sorry." Her voice was small and sad. "I'm sorry I do this to you." Her eyes went up to his and she saw the ache in them. The hunger. She was sure he'd been thinking the same thing.
"It's my fault." His voice was thick with desire, "I should learn to keep my hands to myself." Rae's eyes lowered sadly. She wished he didn't have to learn to keep those hands to himself. "It's just hard when…" He made himself stop, clenched his jaw shut. He couldn't tell her how beautiful she was, how he couldn't get her out of his head, how he could feel the heat emanating from her right now.
"I know." She answered. "I know." Her voice was higher than usual. "How are you holding up?" She worried for him. She knew how torturous this was for her, she couldn't imagine how bad it was for him.
"Rae…" He didn't want to answer, didn't want to tell her he was falling apart, that he needed her, ached for her, loved her completely and unconditionally. He could never tell her that despite his complete belief that no one could ever be owned by another person, he belonged to her. He couldn't say that the months passing hadn't changed anything for him except make him love her more.
"I just need to know…" She put her hand on his arm, "You know how I feel, and I just wanna know that you're alright." He hated seeing the pleading expression on her face.
"I'm fine." He said gently.
"Don't you lie to me Phillip Seymour." Her eyes flashed with stubborn determination.
"I'm coping Rae." They had edged closer still, "I miss-" The words had left his mouth before he had chance to stop himself.
"I miss us two hanging out too." She understood. "Like…" Her eyes rose to the ceiling, "I know we got all this other stuff," she looked back at him, "but we used to have this real solid friendship too. And I miss it so much." Phil nodded.
"I'm trying Rae. In time I'll be better and-"
"It's not your fault Phil." She shook her head, "you can't help some things." She sighed, "I just miss us." She reached up and touched his face. "And it's not just the friendship I miss." He could tell from her voice that she couldn't believe how much she missed him in every single way. "I'm so selfish." Her fingers traced down his cheek, "I should let you go. And I try…" Her fingers continued down his neck and Phil's hand went to her waist, his other hand snapping shut the book and placing it haphazardly back on the shelf, "I try so hard to get you out of me head." Her voice was barely a whisper now as her fingers came to his chest and he gently pulled her closer, "I love Finn… I do…" Her eyes fell to his lips, "But, I love you… Phil, I don't know how I'm ever gonna let you go…" her other hand went to his face.
"You don't have to." He told her, "I don't want you to." She raised her chin slightly, accommodating Phil's slight height advantage over Finn, her lips parted. His hands came to her face, holding her tenderly. He stroked her skin gently, and watched her eyes close with expectation, her breath stopping in her lungs. Phil paused for an agonizing moment, studying her face as she awaited his kiss.
But he couldn't kiss her. She had made a decision; he was her friend, nothing more. She was with Finn, and if he did this it would be a regret for her. And they had both agreed in Lincoln that they didn't want the things that happened between them to be regrets. He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs and gently dropped her chin, kissing her on the forehead.
"You once asked if I loved you enough to not kiss you. It was a rhetorical question cos you already knew I did." He said softly, "Now you know I still do." She looked into his eyes for a moment, but he let go of her gently. She watched him swallow hard, as if he was swallowing back his desire for her. He stroked her face one more time then turned back to pick up the book, breathing deeply to calm himself.
Rae took a few deep breaths and watched him.
"I wish I was as good as you, and could love you enough to let you go." She said sadly. Phil looked up at her sharply.
"Not letting me go is an act of love Rae." He told her, putting the book down again. "You know it hurts me to be so close, and unable to touch you, so you think it's selfish. But if you let me go you'd be cutting me adrift at sea." He turned back to her, "Don't let me go. I couldn't handle that… I can take how much it hurts to be around you and not… I can take it." He almost pleaded.
"I don't know if I can though Phil."
They both took a moment to take in the pain in those words.
"If you have to…" He swallowed back his pain, "If have to let me go for you. Well that's a different thing and you go right ahead and do that." She hesitated looking at his eyes, filled with so many emotions, fear, pain, longing. And endless love for her.
"Can't." Her hands went up to his face, "I don't think I'll ever be able to let you go." She looked into his eyes for a long time, until slowly their foreheads came together, "what am I gonna do?"
"I don't know Rae." His hands went back to her face, "But we can't do this." He once again pulled away, but this time, after a lingering glance he once again picked up his book and returned to his table. Rae followed with a few books of her own and sat down at the table, opposite him.
Almost immediately their feet found each other under the table, as they kept their eyes on their books. Phil knew that Rae would tell Finn everything that had happened, and he wondered how many encounters like that would it take for Finn to lose his good mood. He'd miss Finn's friendship when the hammer finally fell, and of course he'd miss Rae, everything about Rae. But when this run of sympathy and tolerance from Finn ran out he'd have to move to London. Finn's insistence that he was fine and wanted them all to be happy and just needed communication was eerily unexpected when you took into account his previous jealousy. He looked up to see Rae looking at him, her foot slowly crept up his ankle, his shin. His breath came sharply in as her toes reached between his knees. Her eyes never left his as she rubbed the inside of his knee with her bare foot, having slipped her shoe off under the table. But she went no further. There was always a place at which they stopped. He reached his hand down and gently rubbed her foot, she made a small noise of appreciative longing, and they both looked back down at their books, Phil's hand staying on her foot as it rested on the edge of the chair between his thighs.
They stayed like that, reading silently, the frustrated tension between them still palpable, until it was time to head out for lunch.
