One day, Mordecai was taking a shit in his pants and drinking beer on the couch while watching Modern Family in his shitty apartment because he's a drunk fuck. He was still hot, even though he smelled like Satan's asshole after eating a mixture of Mexican and Asian food with laxatives. He was wearing a white tank top which was a little gray-ish and had nasty pit stains and food spots.
The couch was covered in shit. It looked like a shit-splosion. That's why Lilith, Brick, Claptrap, and Zombie Roland stopped hanging out with him. Bloodwing was the only one who still chilled out with him like a bro.
Speaking of Bloodwing, he was upstairs being a teenage bird pet in his room. He was sitting on his bed thinking about things that are decently important unlike most teens. He was thinking about whether to tell his best friend about the thing that he had been thinking about at this moment and every day before the day he was thinking about it in the present.
Is Bloodwing even a fucking bird? I mean really? He looks like a goddamned ET testicle that was flattened with a tire and had chicken wings glued to it. Fuck. Mordecai could've gotten a damn owl. Beautiful, majestic creatures. Probably smell better, too. Fucking fuck. Damn.
Bloodwing finally grew a pair for the last time in his life and stood up. He told himself that today was finally the day. He was tired of keeping it inside for so long. He was going to tell Mordecai. He was going to tell him his secret, and he hoped that he would still accept him as his best friend pet bird thing.
Bloodwing flew downstairs to find his master eating a burger with extra bacon and cow lard, pissing his pants in laughter. It wasn't his fault, though, because his bladder disintegrated when he was eight years old, and Modern Family is pretty funny. After Mordecai finished barfing beer and digested vienna sausages, Bloodwing finally spoke up.
"Mordo, I need to talk to you real quick," Bloodwing said as he picked up the remote and muted it.
"C'mon, Blood! Shit was just gettin' good!" Mordecai yelled out. He then began to swear in Spanish and create guano soup.
"This is important!" Bloodwing was already getting nervous, but he couldn't back out now. He would never pussy out. If he could kill bandits alongside his friends on the battlefield then he could do this shit. "Please I need you to listen!"
Mordecai shut the fuck up because he realized that he was being a big fat dick. "Okay, amigo, go ahead and tell me. I will listen to whatever you have to say."
Bloodwing had so much courage that it was flowing out of his ass. Either that or he was shitting uncontrollably on the carpet. He had a Goliath for dinner, and that shit goes right through him. Anyways, he gulped and said, "Mordecai, I came down here to tell you a dark secret that I have been hiding from you and everyone else for years. I have been thinking about it for months now, and I have finally decided to do it. I just wanted to say that I hate being a male. I feel like I have always been a female bird who killed people and ate their flesh instead of a boy birdie. I have used my old penis to carve out a vagina, and I have turned my scrotum into a uterus. I hope that you will still love me even though I am now a female. I just want you to know that I am still the same bird that I was before but with a nopenis. I can still help you kill people. I can still shit on your carpet. I can still be your best friend." She finished talking and waited for her friend's answer.
Mordecai was shocked at first because he wasn't expecting it, but he understood after what little brain cells he had left processed the information he had just received with his ears. He wasn't mad or sad or disappointed and shit, because literally everyone in the game is LGBT and they're more accepting of that stuff. "I understand if that is how you feel. Of course I will still love you now that you're a female. I'm not transphobic or a homophobe or a sexist or anything like that because I'm not a prick or a redneck so I won't kick you out or kill you or disown you. You still kick ass and you are my best friend forever, Bloodwing. You have saved my life so many times and you help me so much and I couldn't live without you. Even getting a new bird wouldn't fill the hole in my heart that you would leave behind. As of today, you are now a bird woman, and I shall accept you as one."
Bloodwing was extremely happy, and she got tears in her eyes, but they weren't the sad tears of salt. "Thank you, Mordy! Now we shall become closer and we will be the best of friends for the rest of our lives! Long and happy lives for you and I!"
Mordecai and Bloodwing hugged and talked for more hours before they went to sleep for the next day. When morning came, they told all of their friends about it. They understood and accepted Bloodwing as a female, and they even had a coming out party for her. There was cake and presents and balloons and shit. It was like a birthday but it wasn't. An hour before the party ended, Zombie Roland's dick fell off. He became a woman, too, so they had to make a coming out party for her, too.
Every Wednesday night since then, Bloodwing, Lilith, Maya, Zombie Roland, Moxxi, and Ellie had Girls' Night Out, where they talked about their periods and bent bowling. Then they sneak some fajitas into the movie theater and watch the newest action movie that came out. Life was good for everyone, and everything had improved for Bloodwing ever since she came out.
Until her fucking head got blown off by Jack and died.
TEH EDN
