If I Loved You Too Much
The palace was nearly silent, something that Zuko still wasn't used to experiencing. Over the past month, it had been nothing short of bustling, even in the dead of night. Since the war's end and his coronation, there was no end to the things that needed to be done, even though he'd spent many of those early weeks before his coronation either unconscious or on strict bed rest under Katara's orders. The moment he could move around reasonably well on his own, though, he'd insisted on the coronation ceremony. His friends had stayed by his side to make sure that he was safe and healed, and now, all of that was coming to an end.
"It all feels like a dream," he whispered, standing in the middle of the royal gardens.
The night sky was alive with stars and a crescent moon, their glow reflecting on the waters of the turtleduck pond. He took a deep breath, trying to ignore the pain in his sides. Zuko really didn't want his friends to go. Truthfully, he was afraid of what would come next. Sure, Iroh was staying and he wouldn't truly be alone, but for the first time in his life, he'd found acceptance.
"Zuko?"
Especially with her. With another deep breath, Zuko turned toward Katara. She was holding her robe tightly around her, her eyes slightly red. She'd been crying again, and that tugged at his heart. He nodded toward a bench and she came over, lowering herself beside him. They sat in a tense silence, so different from their normal, comfortable one. She would be leaving in the morning, and there was one last issue that needed to be settled between them. It was the absolutely last thing Zuko wanted to talk about. They'd already suffered enough pain and tragedy, and he didn't want to throw the brief happiness they'd found with each other on the sacrificial fire. Even if he knew what he had to do.
Katara sighed. "Couldn't sleep?"
"Not really."
"Are you in a lot of pain?"
She turned to him with a sad smile, and Zuko's heart twisted into a knot. How could he look at her and say the things he needed to say? He took a shaky breath as the tears formed in her eyes.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"It's ok." She rubbed at her eyes with the heel of her hand. "When I came out here, I figured we'd end up talking about…you know. And I already know what you're going to say."
Zuko laughed bitterly. "How can you? I hardly know."
She sighed, leaning back on her hands and looking up at the moon. How could he possibly form into words all that he'd lose when she returned to the South with her brother? She'd been the first to trust him, and after he'd taken her to confront her mother's killer, they'd shared a bond deeper than either one of them could have imagined. As Katara tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, Zuko briefly allowed himself to remember all the times he'd seen her do that, then turn a pleasant smile toward him as she shared another secret. What he wouldn't allow himself to remember were the nights where he'd been the one to tuck her hair behind her ear, the way he would follow it up with a kiss, the way she'd blush prettily…
"I think we're beyond blushing at each other," Katara said, unable to stop her own cheeks from coloring. "After everything between us, you know."
"I know."
They sat in silence again, and Zuko inched his hand toward hers. He sighed heavily and tried to find his courage when she placed her fingers over his. He'd faced down his sister in Agni Kai, had confronted his father, his greatest tormentor, and had bested him without bending, and yet he was afraid of this one thing. He knew she would cry and that he wouldn't be able to comfort her. His heart was racing.
"Do you want me to say it?" She whispered.
"No. No, it's my nation. It should be me, right?"
"I've seen it, too. They're polite because they know I can kill them, but I see their resentment. I see the anger and know this is just the beginning."
Zuko nodded. There was so much more than the injured pride of a nation, though. In the years to come, he would make more and more unpopular decisions. He would have a hard enough time protecting himself.
"They could come to love you as much as I do," he whispered.
"They could. In another time, maybe." Her fingers tightened around his. "Maybe in another place."
Zuko swallowed thickly. They couldn't both cry. But when he spoke, he couldn't stop his voice from shaking.
"We are the heroes that ended the war, and now people are going to look to us to fix it. As Fire Lord and ruler of the Fire Nation, it is not my choice, but my duty to see that my nation survives and prospers during the post-war era. It is my duty—"
His voice and his conviction wavered too much, and Zuko couldn't push out anymore words. He tried to drop his head into his hands, but his middle screamed out in overwhelming pain, and he did his best to stifle the scream, but Katara knew. She always knew when he was hurting, no matter how hard he tried to hide it from everyone around him. She had always known, even when they were enemies, and everything hit him like a good punch to his already injured stomach, and he couldn't hold it in any longer. The tears came to his eyes and the emotion tightened his throat. There would never be another Katara. He'd never find anyone he'd love as deeply as he loved her.
"I love you, Katara," he said through his pain. "I love you and I want you to be happy. I can't give you that. I can't give you happiness."
He could see their future in his mind. A nation so angered by the end of a war they weren't losing would be furious with him. Everything he did would be analyzed and scrutinized. And if he tried to make Katara his wife? They wouldn't accept her. Hell, he wasn't even ready for marriage, but there was a good chance his council would push him toward it. Then they'd say that other nations were trying to control them. To control him. They would demand that she give him a firebending son, and they would yell at her and belittle her. They would undermine her authority. They wouldn't obey an outsider. They'd hate and resent her. They would banish her. They would try to kill her.
"You make me happy, Zuko," she said, taking his face in her hands. "You. You make me better, stronger. Don't you think we can do this?"
"I want to believe that we can. I want to, but…"
He didn't want to tell her that it wouldn't be right. They'd fought and bled and suffered for this peace. Would it be right to risk instability and war for the sake of her hand in his? Would it be right to risk everything for her sweet kisses and passionate kisses? For her hugs and comfort, for the feel of her cuddled up next to him?
"The world needs us."
"But what about what we need, Zuko? What about us?"
He closed his eyes and turned his face to the moon. "We don't get to be selfish. So many people are tired of fighting. We owe it to them."
When he looked at her, he could see the pain and the understanding in her eyes.
"Why us? Why us?"
"Because, by chance, you were the one to find Aang. And now, here we are."
They sat in silence as the moon shifted its place in the sky. After a few, slow, agonizing minutes, Zuko sighed and finally tried to push himself off the bench. When Katara saw him struggling, she was immediately at his side, and Zuko leaned heavily on her, feeling exhausted and drained. Slowly, they made their way back to the palace. He could feel her shaking as they walked.
"I'll make you something to numb the pain," she said, her voice hollow.
She led him to his room, the guards curtly nodding at them both as they passed. Zuko tried to bear more weight on his own, but it was like his body was fighting against him. Or it wanted him to have this last little touch, because this would have to last him a lifetime.
Inside his room, she helped him into bed, leaving the door open, then set about mixing the herbs she kept there. While the water boiled, she sat on his bed, out of arm's reach. They looked outside at the moon, which would soon descend and signal the end of an era. Whoever they became, they would never again be the people they were on this night.
"Do you think," Katara said quietly, "that we could both do our best, and then talk about this again in two years?"
Zuko nodded before finding the courage to speak.
"That's reasonable."
He hated that his voice sounded so cold. He wanted to pull her close, to hold her and kiss her one last time, but that was no longer an option. He drank his numbing tea, and went to bed.
In the morning, he saw them all off, standing before them in full Fire Lord regalia, his guard and retinue behind him. They made promises to regularly write all of his friends, that no matter where they were in the world, they would do their best to remain close. As their ship left the docks, Zuko couldn't bring himself to watch the people he cared for most sail out of his life.
A/N: Ok, so this is a random tangent from the things that I usually write. I spent a bit of time thinking about what life would be like for Zuko and Katara in a world where they acknowledged the deep connection they had that could be love, but ultimately decided that they needed to put what the world needed before what they wanted. Hang on to your hats, there's practically no fluff in this one.
