A/N: Whoot. Here's the first installment of... ONE HUGE FUCKIN' WALL OF HETALIA OHMYMOTHERRUSSIA WHATTHEFUCK XXXX'DDDDD
Yes, somehow, this will have plot. Because I am a fuckin' Abyssehness.
A warning: Horrible misuse of German mannerisms! Sorry peeps, I don't speak German. (Or any other languages used in this fic besides English...) All I know is a few curses/insults, how to count to 10, & stuff I learn from songs. & I know the whole w=v thing. & then, like, 'ja' & that 'uck' & 'arg' or something = 'AUGHCK' (lol, stereotypes. gotta love 'em.) Heck, I used google translate to figure out what 'chapter' was in German. And uhm, also... Speaks of the Devil! So... DON'THAETMEHPLZ&NOONEBEOFFENDED.
And, uh, if u guys need a translation at any point... Just say so in a review. XD Or, if you have knowledge of the language, & I did something wrong... Telllllll meeeeeeee C:
Germany... was not annoyed.
He was not mad.
He was not angry, nor ticked, nor peeved.
He was, however, fucking pissed.
Mein Gott, he thought to himself as he hung up the phone, that dummkopf Italy. Can't he go funf seconds without getting in some sort of trouble? !
"Germany! Help meee!" the very familiar voice of Italy in trouble floated (Yeah. Floated. Like magic. Or pizzadust. [No, I did not mean pixiedust. This is not a typo. Do not start hating on poor little AutoCorrect, just because it thinks peanut equals lesbian. Pizzadust, bitchez.] Or someshit.) toward Germany from the other room. Then the voice became more muffled, as if Italy had turned to his attacker. ...Or as if there were hands in his face. "No! Please don't kill me! Or rape me! Or take me as your prisoner! Or tie me up and leave me to die! Or feed me English food! Or sell me into slavery! I surrender! White flag, white flag!"
However, in the heat of his frustration/pissed-ness, Germany didn't realize that Italy had called him from... that one country.
It snows.
There's bears.
...And salmon?...
And they have this weird flag... It's a leaf.
So, yeah. He's There. (A.K.A. Not Germany's House.)
Something about an avalanche and a rabid bear and a bunch of Saint Bernards sitting on his face. And no pasta.
What he also failed to notice was that the voice was coming from behind him, and that it was distinctly female (though with Italy's voice being what it is, the pitch isn't THAT different... In fact, in the voice's normal speaking voice, her tone would be lower than Italy's...) and had an eastern-American accent.
A.K.A. Not Italy's Voice.
Not even close.
But it was really really whiny, so it was close enough.
"GERMANY!"
"VHAT? !" Germany roared as he turned towards the voice.
To his surprise, it wasn't Italy but instead a girl that looked to be about fourteen. She had scary-but-awesome-ass white eyes and clearly died hair (THAT'SWHATYOUTHINK) that was jet black but turned blood red towards the tips. Her hair covered one eye (THANK GOD. THOSE THINGS DON'T HAVE PUPILS. UNLESS THOSE ARE WHITE TOO. BUT THE WHITES OF HER EYES ARE BLACK. AHWHATTHEFUCK.) and was a little longer on one side, where it went to about two inches past her shoulders. At it's shortest, on the other side, it went just below her jaw. It was awesome and straight-ish (not stick straight, but straight enough) and shiny and epic. She was tall. She had an awesomeface and her skin was perfect (but pale! ಠ_ಠ) and she had no pimples or anything because that's how anime (and this fanfiction) works. She had on black skinny jeans, black combat boots (with epic zippers!), a well-fitted black tube-top with the anarchy sign across the chest in red, an unzipped three-fourths sleeve black and red striped (wide ones! ew not penstripes...) jacket that also had many much zippers, a white beanie hat with black eyes and a black stitched-shut mouth on the front, red fingerless elbow-length gloves with black lace on them, a simple silver chain around her neck, and OMMR that was a long-ass description.
So, if you were smart and didn't read that thing, she was obviously some sort of wannabe steampunk otaku's OC.
But of course Germany had no way of ever knowing what that was. Or at least... Not in this particular fanfiction. ...Or this chapter. ...Sweet Mother Russia, what if in this fanfiction he found this fanfiction? And so on? ...AH A PARADOX NO GLaDOS HIDE YOUR EYES! Dx *The author proceeds to cry herself to sleep*
...
...
...
...You need me to narrate, don't you?
...
...
...
Well, that was better than someone dying of leprosy.
"...Vho the fAUGHCK are you? !"
"...What?" Haha, see?... No, not see... Hear?... ... Okay, fuck senses. Let's use our imaginations here. Her voice is naturally lower than Italy's when he's screaming. What a surprise.
"VHO. THE FAUGHCK. ARE YOU? !"
"...What are you saying? !"
"VHOTHEFAUGHCKAREYOU? !"
"WHAT?"
"'VAHT' VAHT?"
"WHAT ARE YOU, SPEAKING PARSELTOUNGUE? MAYBE FALCON? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?"
The two hotheaded countries were now reduced to screaming in eachother's faces.
"DUMMKOPF! I'M ASKI-"
"I. AM NOT. A DUMBASS!" the girl screamed back, randomly knowing what Germany had said... in German. Probably for the same reason all the countries managed to speak either Japanese or English most of the time and had a tendency to write in Japanese and put spells on their writing so that magical words would pop up onto the screen telling you WTF that weirdshit said.
"THEN VHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND ME, ARSCHLOCH?"
"I AM NOT AN ASSHOLE, EITHER, YOU STUPID DAHBAH-HAHBA-HEBA-JEHD!"
"...Vut?"
"And you said I was the dumbass..." the girl sighed under her breath.
The blond country, fully able to hear her remark, almost snapped at her, but instead sighed and took deep breathes, attempting to calm himself. "Okay. My name is Germany, or Ludvig."
The girl burst out laughing. "Ludvig? ! The fuck kinda name is that?"
"NO, LUDVIG!"
"...That's what I said."
Germany almost punched her in the face, but he began taking deep breathes to calm down.
Just like his shrink always told him to.
Damn Saumensch! "Vhatever. And you are?"
"I am awesomer than Prussia. I am eviler than Russia. I am scarier than Belarus. I am epicer than America. I'm more magical than all of England's fairy friends combined. I can be even more annoying than Italy. I'm harder to read than Japan. I'm prettier than France. I'm wiser than China. I'm a better fighter than Germany. I'm-"
"GET ON VITH IT."
The girl sighed in annoyance. "Fine. I'm Abysseh, or FEKCRP." (Note, she says it FEHK-CURP. Easily mistaken as FUCK-CRAP. XD)
"...The faughck kind of name is that?"
"It's better than yours. Yours reminds me of that one bug, it's like... I dunno. 'Ludwig' or 'Earwig' or something."
He was seriously about to punch her in the fucking face.
"Okay. Explain FAUGHCKcrap, then."
"It's FEKCRP, asshole."
Hypocrite.
"It stands for the Flying Exploding Killdren of Ceilingica Refrigeratoria Potatica."
". . ." If Germany could say an emoticon, he'd be saying 't.t'. Unfortunately, only America, FEKCRP, and me have that ability, so... "And, um, vhere exactly is this place?"
"...You mean where is it?"
"...Yes. That is exAUGHCKtly vhat I mean."
"Well, it's in Hell."
"...And I suppose your next door nEIGHCKbor is Russia and you're at var vith some place called Black Rainbov Island, ja?"
"Wow, you're good. I mean, he's my NEIGHBOR, and it's WAR, and WITH Black RAINBOW Island, but yeah, that's BRI."
". . ."
"It is so santadamn cold in here."
"It's the middle of summer."
"Been burnin' in Hell, remember?"
Germany sighed. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take.
"Okay. Zwei things. Einz; Vhy are you here? Zwei; Vhat do you vant?"
"...What?"
"OH MEIN GOTT. THAT IS IT. GET OUT."
"...No."
"...Vhat?" Germany obviously wasn't used to people not being scared of him.
"I am on a mission to destroy the BRI and take over the last remainder of Hell that my sister and I do not control. Satan, Lucifer, the Devil, whatever, is our father, and I ate him. Our mother was one threehundred-thirty-third angel, so when my sister set the house on fire with pickle juice she became a volcano. However, that makes my sister and I one six-six-sixth angel, so it cancels out. Satan's brother, our uncle, is Santa, and I ate him too. We have several cousins by him. He was a pedo, though, so all of their moms died of being six when giving birth. Well, Russia 'became one' with Rawwreh's mother, but... I honestly don't know what that includes."
Germany just sat there in silence. Obviously taking care of this lunatic would take skill.
"...What are you thinking about?"
The blond looked at her funny. "Um..."
"Because I already know~"
Well fuck. She's a mindreader too.
"...I just said that."
"Stay out of my mind!"
"No."
"Vhy? !"
"Because I can't understand you when you speak."
There was obviously a reason she had lived in Hell before, besides the whole 'Satan is mah daddeh!' thing. If Germany even believed in that bullshit.
"You really should, you know!"
Gott, that's freaky.
"You bet."
...
"It's no use thinking dots. I can even see and-or hear those."
...
"Your loss."
...
"You know, if you would just speak normally, I'd be able to understand you and I wouldn't have to do this."
"...Vhat?"
"Okay, you stupid normal, all you gotta do for me is fix two things. Kay?"
"Alvright."
FEKCRP sighed. "Okay, the first one is WUH. Say that. Say 'WUH'."
Germany couldn't believe he was doing this. It was humiliating.
"A LOT MORE THAN YOUR PRIDE AND REPUTATION ARE GONNA BE HURT IF YOU DON'T SAY IT."
The blue-eyed country sighed resignedly and made an attempt that lacked all enthusiasm; "Vuh."
"No, WUH."
"Vwuh."
"Better. WUH."
"Wuh."
"Good! Aren't you a good learner! Why, you're almost as good as my cute little Kitty!" From out of seemingly nowhere a 8x11 picture frame appeared and floated in front of Germany's face. It was a gruesome picture of a undead three-headed cerberus, still half-covered in rotting fur. And if the seemingly miniature tree in the background was anything to judge by, the kreatur in the picture was huge.
"That... That's CUTE? And LITTLE? And a KITTY?"
"Well of course!"
"...Can ve continue?"
"Yes. But it's 'we'."
"Ve."
"I have a cheese grater."
"We!" Germany exclaimed, exasperated.
"Good. Now. Say 'what'."
"Vhat."
"'What'."
"Vhat."
"'What'!"
"Vhat!"
FEKCRP sighed. "Okay. Let's try... Say 'whatever'."
"Whatever."
"GOOD! Now say 'what'."
"Vhat."
The ravenhaired -the red doesn't count. 'Cause even if the black is natural, the red is dye. ...Right?- country was about ready to explode.
Which wasn't pretty, considering she WAS a flying exploding killd. ...Kyled? Killed? Killehd? Who knows.
...
Well, except for me.
...
ANYWAY.
"SAY 'WHAT'."
"I'M TRYING!"
"SAY IT!"
"VHAT! VHAT VHAT VHAT VHAT VHAT!"
The girl's eyes, once white, turned... Well, no, they stayed white. That's creepier than red anyways.
"I am going to murder you as slowly and painfully as is in my power. Which, trust me, is very slow and painful, considering I'm a direct descendant of Satan." Her hair was starting to, like, float or something. Kinda weird. BUT OMMR I LOVE HER EARRINGS! They're silver keys!
...
Ahem.
"Vell, um..." Germany racked his brain for ideas.
...Not that he was scared.
...Just, you know, in case this whole 'SATAN, I AM YOUR DAUGHTER' thing was true.
"What was that second thing?"
"Oh, yes," the girl immediately calmed down, and her hair lost it's anti-gravitational powers. "Work with me here. Say 'Fuck'."
"...Vhy?"
"WHY."
"I MEAN FAUGHCK! That's what I said."
"That is what you said. But I need you to say 'fuck'."
"...FuAUGHCK."
"Bad Germany!" the girl yelled as she slammed her fist down on the poor blond's head.
Really hard.
"Mein Gott, vhat vas that for? !"
"'Fuck'. 'What'. 'Was'."
Germany sighed. "FuuuhAUGHCK."
"Better."
"...FAUGHCK!"
"...No."
"..."
"Let's try this; say 'duck'."
"Duck."
"Good! Now~"
"FAUGHCK."
FEKCRP rubbed her temples. There was no one like this in Hell.
...
Except for Dareh.
...
But Dareh was a strange one...
MEANWHILE...
Italy could not breathe. Italy was trapped under ten feet of snow. Italy was being sat on by a rabid polar bear. Italy was being farted on by the rabid polar bear. Italy was cold. Italy was wet. Italy was hungry. Italy had no pasta.
Italy was sad.
