Untitled - Part One
Author: LAMFan
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Alan-Michael's POV on how a phone call from Lucy changes everything.
Note: Lyrics from Our Lady Peace's "4 AM"


I walked around my good intentions and found that there were none. I blame my father for the wasted years we hardly talked. I never thought I would forget this hate. Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong...

I'd always tried to tell myself that I did the things I did out of some sort of nobility. I didn't bother to tell her, but I kept reassuring myself that the reason I pushed her away was for her own good. When I finally tried to come to terms with what she had to tell me and decided neither one of us could afford my protecting her any longer, I realized that was never my problem.

Of course I didn't want to hurt her, but that wasn't why I walked away. I walked away because I was a coward. I didn't want to own up to my own faults and fears so I pretended that I was doing something wonderful for her when all the while I was trying to keep myself from getting hurt.

I built walls around myself when I was just a child, so I wouldn't have to deal with, among many other things, the fact that my father would rather compete against me than encourage me. Lucy always had a problem with her father's overprotectiveness. That's what got in their way. The problem I had with my father fell to the other extreme. He simply didn't care at all. What I wouldn't have given growing up to be "smothered" the way Lucy was...

So I put those walls up, and when I saw that she had inadvertantly torn them down, I ran away screaming. I knew I'd never be able to acknowledge the fact that she'd somehow worked her way into my heart. I thought that was true, at least, and I guess it was at the time. Who knew a phone call in the dead of night could change the mind of someone so stubborn?

The phone had only needed to ring once to wake me out of my sleep. I hadn't done more than cat nap in recent weeks. It was four in the morning when I glanced at the clock, and I almost didn't recognize her voice at first. She was quieter than usual...less lively somehow. When I said her name questioningly and she explained that she was lonely, I knew then that something was wrong. Never before had being alone ever bothered Lucy, and if it did she certainly would never admit it, especially not to me at that time and especially not if she had to go out of her way to do it.

"It's four o'clock," I yawned.

"Can you come over?"

"I'll be right there."

So I drove all the way to the boarding house on the other end of town, just to have Lucy sit across from me for almost an hour, sipping her tea, before she said anything. And when she finally did, all she talked about was the weather, and how they had started to charge more at the movie theater. The light above the kitchen sink behind her flickered, trying to sustain itself. "Luce, what--" was all I could get out before she cut me off. "I have cancer," she said. It was both matter-of-fact and nonchalant. Then she looked down at the table and drank some more tea.

How do you react when the life has just been crushed out of you? When you cut yourself the way I had trying to keep from being rejected or protect yourself from some profound loss only to lose anyway and realize you missed out the most by shelling up inside of yourself, it kind of throws you for a loop. Then, too, what she was actually telling me was also slowly chipping away at my sleep-deprived brain.

I stayed there until the sun came up, but I didn't say a word.