Is it fate, Sensei?

To have picked from the tree of wisdom and engulf my mind in experienced knowledge, finally leaving behind my youthful innocence for matured turmoil?

I don't understand it, Sensei.

These…feelings.

They climb onto my shoulders without a sound and bury themselves into my flesh, remaining as burdens that I think of as tumors. It is not fair, sensei. Why do I have no choice over whom I love? Why have I tarnished our harmless youthfulness with dreams of sex and pleasure?

I don't want this. I just…don't.

I feel dirty. So very dirty as if there is a layer of filth that cannot be cleansed away, as if this disgusting coat of grime has glued itself into my skin and sunk into the core of my bones.

I know that I am not the brightest of students, Sensei. But even I understand that there is wrong in these feelings of affection towards you. A son is not meant to pray for kisses of romance from his father, to want to cover himself in sweat and spit and simply give into every impure thought that coursed through his over imaginative mind.

After all, Gai-sensei, you are my father.

You had raised me from the soil until I rose high up past the clouds, you devoted your life into training a young child who people deemed as "useless", you were the only person who even dared to approach me without feelings of complete animosity!

So why, Sensei?

Why has this happened? How could my heart have possibly turned towards this direction, towards the direction where I want you not as a father, but as a lover? It is exhausting, Sensei, so very exhausting!

To wake up in the middle of the night with damp sheets that indicate what kind of dream I just had, to forcefully remove my gaze from your perfect smile without Neji or Tenten realizing that there is a hidden meaning behind my countless stares, and in those moments of pure torture where I am forced to bite my tongue until it swells with blood to stop myself from pouring out every word and line that is starving to be heard from you.

When all have retired home to complete their daily activities and we remain in nobody's presence except our own, you will never be able to comprehend how much self control is needed when I am with you!

But you don't know this, Sensei, and you never will.

Call me a coward, for that word is practically tattooed onto my forehead for preventing myself from speaking the truth. I would much rather suffer in silence and keep this dirty secret of mine hidden behind my teeth instead of telling you what I have dreamed about these last few years.

I do not know how you will react, Sensei, and personally I would much rather not find out. I do not want to ruin what we have, even if it leaves me unfulfilled and forces greed to consume my weak being.

Besides, Gai-sensei, you are all I have, I do not know what I would do without you.