Welcome to the list of Things I am not allowed to do at Cackle's Academy, courtesy of those of us over at the First Worst Witch Forum.
Contributors to this ongoing effort include myself, NextChristineDaae, Pixel and Stephanie Forever, chocomoon, HB's Favourite, Aleksandra Hardbroom, decat and Princess Sammi. All of whom are amazing people that I'm glad to have met.
Rated T for innuendo and references to illegal drugs.
1. Harry Potter is a fictional book series. I am not to continually ask Miss Cackle if she has met Albus Dumbledore.
2. Severus Snape is not Miss Hardbroom's ideal man. I am to stop insinuating as such or else I am likely to end up as a potion ingredient.
3. Suggesting Quiddich to Miss Drill and having it instituted as a school sport was not a very nice thing to do.
4. I may not make insinuations as to why witches are better on brooms than wizards
5. Even though we have rehearsed it diligently and Miss Bat thinks it's a wonderful idea 'A Wizards Staff Has a Knob on the End' is not an appropriate welcoming song. At all. Ever. (Even if the expressions on Miss Cackle and Miss Hardbroom's faces were hilarious when they first heard it).
6. I may not encourage Miss Bat in anything. Ever.
7. Agatha Cackle is not a Deatheater.
8. Not allowed to throw things at the first years during their broomstick practice. Not even to 'improve their balance'.
9. I am not to run up to Miss Hardbroom and glomp her in the middle of a lesson. Not even if I am paid to do so.
10. Not allowed to glomp anything.
11. My textbooks are to remain textbooks. I am not to hide magazines inside them.
12. Once that trick has been rumbled I am not to replace my normal magazine with some 'adult literature' and wait for Miss Hardbroom to notice.
13. Writing 'Five hundred times - I must complete my homework on time' is not what Miss Hardbroom asked for and I know it.
14. I may not create a magical duplicate of myself so I can skive off class.
15. While the roof is an exemplary hiding place I should probably remember that I am afraid of heights before hiding there. Miss Cackle, Miss Bat, Miss Drill and Miss Hardbroom have far better things to be doing than spending time coaxing me down off the roof.
16. There is no such thing as 'broomstick jousting'. I should neither claim there is nor try to invent it.
17. I am not allergic to Miss Hardbroom. I may not pretend I am.
18. If I scream every time a black cat crosses my path I will soon either lose my voice or have it removed.
19. Nothing from Monty Python is ever appropriate within the castle boundaries. Miss Hardbroom did not appreciate being pelted with cushions.
20. My broomstick is for riding in an elegant and ladylike way in the air. I am not to run around astride it yelling 'giddy up horsy' like a small child.
21. I may not make a potion backwards just to see what happens.
22. If I insist on asking Miss Hardbroom (or indeed any of the staff) 'where do babies come from' then I must be prepared for the consequences.
23. Miss Hardbroom can indeed still see and hear me, even if I can't see and hear her. So covering my eyes and shouting 'LALALALA' is not a good method for getting out of trouble.
24. I may not ask everyone where their towel is. Not everybody has read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
25. Aforementioned book is not real. I may not convince Miss Bat (or any of the more gullible first years) that it is and that the earth is in imminent danger of being demolished.
26. The same goes for any of the Discworld books, the Necronomicon, the Chronicles of Narnia or any other book that I think of.
27. If I get to a classroom first the appropriate response is to take my seat sensibly. It is not to barricade the door and ask for the secret password.
28. I may not make a fort by stealing everybody's mattresses. Even if I invite them in.
29. Miss Hardbroom does not care that I brought enough sweets for everybody I am still not allowed to eat in lessons.
30. Bribing Miss Cackle with cake to get myself out of trouble is not an honourable thing to do.
31. It is unacceptable at any given time to ask Miss Hardbroom if she is hormonal.
32. It is unacceptable at any given time to ask Miss Drill if her basketballs have been over-inflated/deflated.
33. It is unacceptable at any given time to ask Miss Cackle if she's ever tried 'Weight Watchers' cheesecake.
34. It is unacceptable at any given time to ask Miss Bat if she's heard of 'cupboard love'.
35. It is unacceptable at any given time to ask Frank Blossom if his prized marrow has grown lately.
36. I am not to test out Miss Bat's assurances that the staffroom cupboard is, indeed, a comfortable place. As a senior member of the staff she is the only one allowed to lock herself in there.
37. Replacing Miss Cackle's cheesecake with Weightwatchers cheesecake was a horrible thing to do.
38. My tie is to be worn tied around my neck in the proper fashion. It is not a head band, a bracelet, a hair ribbon, an anklet, a garter, a shoelace, a choker, my shirt or anything else.
39. Miss Hardbroom will not melt when water is dumped on her. I am not to convince the first years of this.
40. Harry Potter spells are not real. I am not to tell first years they are.
41. I am not allowed to fake my own death with Avada Kedavra.
42. Even to get out of exams.
43. Even if I can, for the sake of the whole school's eardrums I should not offer to provide a guitar riff for Miss Crotchet's rock and roll chant. Especially if my inspirations are rock bands like AC/DC
44. If I take more than 10 seconds to come up with a reasonable explanation for something then I should resign myself to the fact that I will not be believed.
45. Despite the powers and the spiffy cloak I am not a superhero.
46. It is never appropriate to ask the Chief Wizard if has ever thought of using a razor.
47. Dancing on the tables is only to be done when Miss Bat is late for class and with no other members of staff, except Miss Drill when she's had too much G+T. (Gym and tonic.)
48. It must be noted that asking Miss Hardbroom for a bedtime story when she's on dorm duty is highly precarious, both for the pupil and storybook characters, depending on her state of temper: in one tale Snow White was fired by the dwarfs for driving them mad with her OCD, and in another Cinderella had athlete's foot and the shoe was destroyed by the CDC.
49. Mrs Tapioca is not to be insulted by asking if 'Pizza Day' can be changed to 'Pizza Hut Day'.
50. Jill Murphy is never to know of this site lest she gets huffy and takes it out on the Cackle's gang; we do enough of that already!
51. It is not permitted to put the cats' weekend catnip into the teachers' teapot - at least not unless a weekend.
52. I should not point out that there are only four members of the teaching staff - even though the staffing levels do not work out with regards to pupils.
53. When she comes out the Cupboard, I must not sing "Bat out of Hell" in Miss Bat's presence
54. Miss Drill is not a lesbian.
55. Neither is Miss Hardbroom.
56. After being told by Mildred that Miss Cackle keeps a dangerous object in a school, I shall not ask Miss Cackle if she has done "a Dumbledore"
57. Mrs Tapioca is not a member of the Raxacoricofallapatorius
58. Miss Hardbroom is not perverted just because she appears in girls bedrooms at night at random times
59. The Grand wizard must not be called The Demon Headmaster
60. Ethel Hallow is not a stuck up toffee nosed girl - and I must never say that in the hearing of a teacher
61. I am not to try and invent broom boarding. It will only lead to serious accidents.
62. Just because I am short does not make me a Hobbit. I am therefore not allowed six meals a day even if I provide the meals.
63. I am not to shrink Miss Hardbroom because 'it's rather hard to argue with somebody who is eight inches taller than you'.
64. Cackle's Academy does not need a 'Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan'.
65. I am not to use my magical powers to try and bring dinosaurs back to life, no matter how cool it would be.
66. My lewd drawings of any of the members of staff should be burnt, not left lying around the school where said members of staff could find them.
67. I am under no circumstances to blackmail, bribe, coerce or otherwise allow Mildred Hubble to reproduce aforementioned lewd drawings in such a way that they will come off the page. The confused looks are not worth the punishment.
68. The level of trouble caused by Fenella Feverfew and Griselda Blackwood should be a warning to me. Not a standard to be surpassed.
69. A Velociraptor attack is not imminent. I may not insinuate it is.
70. There are no magic rituals performed skyclad. I will not tell first years there are.
71. I am not to ask Miss Hardbroom if Santa is real.
72. Even though I can do a really good ominous voice and roll my eyes back into my head (and froth at the mouth with a bit of sherbet) I do not have the gift of prophecy.
73. Running into the Great Hall during assembly and shouting 'Troll! Troll in the dungeons' will cause mass hysteria rather than the hysterical laughter I was aiming for.
74. Miss Hardbroom's hair is not tied up in such a way because 'it is full of secrets'. I am not to tell people this.
75. The Chief Wizard is neither Dumbledore nor Santa Clause (although he is capable of giving me a pony).
76. The Chief Wizard's beard is real; I do not need to tug on it to be sure.
77. Just because I am a witch does not mean I must have an evil laugh. In the event I have developed one I may not demonstrate it at every possible opportunity.
78. Even though they deserved it there is no such thing as the 'Castration Charm' and I should not tell any of the visiting wizards that there is.
79. Charming everyone else's potion tests to read 'Miss Hardbroom is sexy' was not a stroke of genius (although it nearly gave Miss Hardbroom a stroke)
80. When given a thousand word essay I am not to draw a picture with the caption 'A picture is worth a thousand words'.
81. When given a five thousand word essay on 'Why I should not cheek my teachers' the appropriate answer is not 'Because Miss Hardbroom said I shouldn't x 1000'.
82. The teachers - especially HB - do not appreciate hearing 'I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?' on stormy nights.
82a - Rule waved for Miss Cackle / Miss Hardbroom
83. I must not bewitch Griselda to sing "Fever" whenever Fenella walks into the room
84. I must not ask to ride Miss Drill's "Space hoppers"
85. I must not attempt to get my form mistress some "action"
86. Must not ask Mildred Hubble if she would like to "ride my broom"
87. Do not sit in the courtyard and read "Broom riding for dummies" during First year Flying lessons
88. Miss Hardbroom is not Rapunzel and will not let me climb up her hair
89. I will not attempt to buy better looking clothing using the school's discount (based on the fact that Cackle's appears to have personalised fleeces in the hiking trip episode
90. Must remember that Ruby's "care to pluck my cherry" is not an excuse for me and her to...
91. 'Nice pyjamas Miss' is not the appropriate response to Miss Hardbroom appearing in my room to tell me to go to sleep.
92. Screaming is also not an appropriate response.
93. Neither is Mace.
94. I am not to steal any wizard's staff.
95. Should I happen to perform the above rule I am not to make jokes about emasculation.
96. In fact all jokes about wizard's 'staffs' are totally and utterly verboten
97. Miss Hardbroom does not have the force. I should not tell her that she does (however her somewhat confused expression was amusing). Especially not in a Yoda voice.
98. I am not Yoda.
99. I am not to ask any of the staff about the ghosts in the castle
100. If, for some reason, a member of staff has chosen to tell me about the ghosts I should not suggest we call the Ghostbusters.
101. I am not to ask any of the staff (especially Miss Hardbroom) about the contents of their underwear drawer.
101a. I may also not make jokes about curtains and carpets. Because on the off chance the staff understand my references I am likely to end up turned into some inanimate object for the foreseeable future.
102. Despite the fact that I am technically beyond the reach of British law I am not allowed to magically print money for my own ends.
103. I am not allowed to hum 'Darth Vader's Theme' every time Miss Hardbroom enters the room.
104. Miss Hardbroom is not my evil overlord.
105. I will not speak in a Gollum voice.
106. I am not to mix the teacher's lunchtime drinks with large quantities of alcohol. I will not then stand outside the staff room with a camera in case anything should happen.
107. Attempting to blackmail any of my teachers with the knowledge and/or photos gained from breaking Rule 106 is not a very good idea.
108. I am not to spell Miss Hardbroom's hair into dreadlocks, ringlets and/or change its colour. What Miss Hardbroom does with her hair is her own business.
109. Likewise I am not to attempt to spell any of Miss Hardbroom's clothes into brighter colours. When asked if I did it I may not start a lecture about fashion in a lispy voice with camp hand gestures.
110. I will not wink at my teachers in a suggestive manner and promptly deny having done so.
111. Walking up to somebody, enquiring 'how do you keep a witch in suspense?' and walking off was only funny the first time.
112. I will not run up behind a teacher, smack them upside the head (with magical aid in the case of Miss Hardbroom) and yell 'you're it' before running off.
113. I am not allowed to 'boop' Miss Hardbroom's bun even if I can reach it.
114. I'm not allowed to glue my cat (or myself) to my broom in order to pass the Broomstick Aptitude Test.
115. I'm not allowed to follow around Miss Hardbroom with X-ray glasses to find out what she hides under her concealing dress.
116. Nor to spread rumours around the school that she has a cat tattoo with the word "naughty kitten" on her butt...
117. I'm not allowed to ask HB during night patrols to look under my bed to see if there are any monsters hiding, nor to pinpoint that "NOW there's one" when she accomplish.
118. I'm not to put whoopee cushion on the teachers' seat.
119. A two hour long lesson with Miss Hardbroom does not give me survivor syndrome.
120. I'm not to spellbind the Chief Wizard to ask Miss Bat (or worse Miss Hardbroom) to be his "Valentine" on February 14th.
121. I'm not to distribute photos of HB in a fairy costume when we go to visit Camelot College.
122. Filming HB during potion lesson with the excuse of producing the remake of the "Blair Witch Project" will not spare me from punishment.
123. I'm not to enrol Miss Bat in "Britain's Got Talent". In particular if there isn't a cupboard where she can hide after meeting Simon Cowell.
124. I must not tell Miss Cackle that her doctor called to say that she is allergic to dairy products.
125. Miss Hardbroom doesn't appreciate to be covered in green paint so that I can prove she's related to the Grinch.
126. I will not throw a secret birthday party for HB.
127. Pretend to be a Klingon when Miss Hardbroom is present will only lead to write lines.
128. As it will asking her if she's a Vulcan.
129. Suggesting to Miss Hardbroom that she's the love child of Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape is NOT such a great idea.
130. When Miss Hardbroom asks me a question she expects me to answer in clear and proper English. I am not to answer in pig Latin, Elvish, Klingon, Na'vi or any other language.
131. The first years are scared of me already. I may not waggle my hands at them and shout nonsense words.
132. Potion class is for making potions. I am not to make cake instead.
133. Even outside lessons the potions lab is not to be used for baking, even if it does make the room smell nicer.
134. Miss Hardbroom does not 'just need a hug and a cookie'.
135. Neither does she need to get laid.
136. Just because I can deepthroat a banana does not mean I need to demonstrate it.
137. I am not to speculate on the ages of any of the members of staff. Especially not in front of them.
138. Miss Hardbroom does not want me plaiting her hair. Especially since I don't know how to plait.
139. I am not to appear in Miss Hardbroom's room in an attempt to give her a taste of her own medicine.
140. Miss Hardbroom is capable of smiling. It will not break her face. I should not tell first years this.
141. I am to steer my broom while my cat sits on the back. I am not to do the opposite.
142. I must not pry into the details of Miss Drill's romantic life with Serge. Just because she is marginally nicer than Miss Hardbroom does not make her my friend.
143. Despite having received a tidy sum in sponsorship/double-dare-you payments, I must not snog Miss Hardbroom on the last day of term.
144. I must persuade my older sister (now Cackle's alumni) to delete the footage she shot on her mobile of Miss Cackle and Miss Bat belting out Bonnie Tyler's "I Need a Hero" at the local pub's karaoke night last winter, before it ends up on YouTube.
145. When suffering from a WKD induced hangover, I must refrain from vomiting into the cauldrons during the morning's potions class. It's pretty much a sure-fire way of being rumbled.
146. The above particularly applies when a potion is already in-situ in the cauldron. Alcohol and magic do NOT mix.
147. I mustn't "cough" the name of "Broomhead" during exams just to relish in the momentary wince of panic than seems to seize Miss Hardbroom's being.
148. Despite the above, the rumour that Miss Hardbroom is covered in scars is false. She's just a frigid old boot.
149. I am not to superimpose the head of ANY member of staff onto the photo of a naked lady and send it into The Sun.
150. I am not allowed to "plank" anywhere on school premises, not even with the support of my broomstick.
151. I must not twist the end of my locks around my fingers whilst gazing in dewy-eyed wonderment at HB during a reprimand, however damned beautiful she is when she's angry.
152. I am not to slip adverts for Weight Watchers and Slimming World under Miss Cackle's office door, and then listen outside as she sobs her little heart out from inside.
153. Severus Snape is not the male version of Miss Hardbroom. Henrik Hanssen from Holby is.
154. Informing Miss Hardbroom of the above fact is futile and will only result in an expression of sheer puzzlement.
155. I must not ask Miss Drill if she has mastered *insert spell here* before saying, "Oh sorry Miss, you can't do magic, can you?" and skipping off down the corridor laughing.
156. Telling Miss Hardbroom that she needs to "CHILL OUT" or "loosen up" while getting detention from her again for messing up a new potion in class is not advised.
157. Also not advised to tell her that she needs to "get a life" while in said detention is not the smartest way to win her over. Along with a few lines "I must not tell my form mistress that she needs a life" over 1,500 time in perfect cursive.
158. Zoning out in Miss Cackle's spell class and then saying a Harry Potter spell is not bright. That will end in night detention with Miss Bat singing some new weird song while wishing that H.B. would make you clean the caldrons all night.
159. If all else fails win HB over with all the charm you have / can muster while she is staring you down like a naughty child.
160. I am not to spread rumours that Miss Hardbroom makes out with Severus Snape, Mr Hallow, The Grand Wizard, or Miss Drill in the potion lab, even if they are true.
161. I am not to eavesdrop on the staff's private conversations and tell the whole school what was said.
162. I am not to turn my cat into a monkey, Owl, Ferret, Dog, or any other animal.
163. I am not to experiment with Miss Bat's gramophone at 5am because if I do it again I will be put under special surveillance by Miss Hardbroom.
164. I am not to use Miss Hardbroom's wide-awake potion for personal (or any other) use.
165. I am not to lock Miss Bat's cupboard so she can't get in.
166. I am not to make Facebook pages for members of Staff, especially not ones with shrewd personal details on them.
167. I am not to keep Library Books in my room and make everyone else pay to use them, especially since those books were banned from student use.
168. I am not to give the Grand Wizard, Mr Hallow or anyone else love potions, even if it was entertaining watching them pursue Miss Hardbroom.
169. I am not allowed to materialize behind first years and Scare them with Miss Hardbroom's Voice. Only Miss Hardbroom is allowed to do that.
170. I am not to invite boys from Camelot College to 'sleepovers' in my room.
171. I am not to take advice from Fenella Feverfew and Griselda Blackwood; they are not a reliable source of information and are not to be listed as a reference on my assignments.
172. I am not to test spells, potions or anything else on the first years.
173. I am not to speculate about what is under Miss Hardbroom's dress.
174. Cakes and sweets are not a substitute for school dinners unless you're Miss Cackle.
175. I am not to sneak into Miss Cackle's office and take her phone calls or answer her mail.
176. I am not to sneak into Miss Hardbroom's office and take the answers for tomorrow's potion test.
177. Nor am I to sneak in after the test and change everyone's answers.
178. Or replace the answers with rude drawings.
179. I am not to suggest songs or anything else to Miss Bat. Following 'The Wizard's Staff has a Knob on the end' with "The Hedgehog Can't be Buggered at all' was not a good idea, even if it was very funny.
180. I am not to cast spells on Miss Hardbroom's hair. She does want it out, in pigtails, in an afro or any other style besides a bun.
181. I am not a teacher, I am not to pretend I am, and I am not to take classes or teach anyone anything, because drugging potions and lockpick spells are not part of the curriculum.
182. Cackle's Academy does not have 'non-school uniform days'. I should not attempt to instigate one.
183. In the unlikely event I manage too I should not expect the teachers to dress up in our school uniform.
184. Starting a betting book on whether any of the teachers have gotten laid is not nice. Especially if I do it anonymously so they don't know who to punish.
185. Should I decide to start such a book I should keep it quiet and under heavy guard. It should not accidentally find its way into a pile of fourth year's homework.
186. Even though we can get away with it, Chanting lessons are for chanting. They are not for playing poker, blackjack, any other card game or pool.
187. It is enough that we can get away with it in Chanting. Therefore I should not attempt to run a poker game in the back of my Potions lesson. Especially if it is strip poker.
188. When Miss Hardbroom discovers aforementioned illicit poker game I am to be contrite, apologise profusely and take my punishment. I am not to offer to deal Miss Hardbroom in. She does not want to play strip poker with me.
189. We value honesty at Cackle's Academy. Therefore I am not to hustle anybody at any form of game.
190. I am not to tell first years being punished to 'take it like a man'. Not only is that a massively gender-biased statement but it will confuse their fluffy little heads.
191. Just because I think it would be funny to see Miss Hardbroom on a rollercoaster ride does not give me the right to magically transport her (and somehow block her ability to transport herself away) onto one in the middle of a potions test.
192. I am not to take the whole class with me in the event of the above rule.
193. Should I be monumentally stupid enough to go through with breaking rule 191 my defence to Miss Cackle should not be 'but it was funny'. Producing photographic evidence of why it was funny is also frowned upon.
194. Transforming the first year's ties into live snakes was a cruel thing to do. Even if the snakes were non-poisonous, I turned them back after the fracas had started and I did it all to distract Miss Hardbroom so I could borrow some ingredients.
195. I am not to ask Miss Hardbroom about love potions, lust potions or how to make differently flavoured lube.
196. Despite the fact I may see it as my duty I am not to give the first years a talk on sexual education. I should not reference rule 136.
197. I should also not use the teachers as examples.
198. The appropriate response to Miss Hardbroom when she comes into my room to tell me 'lights out' it to put my lights out. I should not ask for a glass of water and a nightlight.
199. It is cruel for me to tease Ethel Hallow about being turned into a pig. It is especially cruel for me to do so by talking longingly and at length about the different sorts of meats they make from pigs.
200. I am not to tell Miss Bat that the Macarena is a chant.
201. I am not to give the teachers brownies made with a special extra ingredient. Mind-altering drugs and magic do not mix well.
202. Considering the amount of accidents that happen at Cackle's I should not speculate that witches can bounce when I know full well that that is untrue
203. I should not plan to test my hypothesis on one of the first years.
204. A paintball gun is not an essential piece of school equipment.
205. I may not replace my summer uniform with a bikini top and shorts.
206. Having a free hugs sign means that people may hug me. I may not hug people.
207. After having done 'Free Hugs' a couple of times I am not allowed to start charging.
208. I must never ask Miss Hardbroom if she was a teenager. It is clear that she never was, and therefore enquiring as to when she hit puberty is plain rude, as is asking her why she never left puberty and suffers from it endlessly, therefore making us suffer endlessly.
209. Miss Bat is the oldest member of staff. We must therefore act accordingly and show her all due respect. That means we never ask her why she and Cliff Richard split up in the Sixties (or Sexties as they are also known) and she ended up at Cackle's with obvious 'in the closet' issues.
210. We must remember at all times we came to Cackle's to learn how to be witches. We did not come to teach the witches (and Miss Drill, Mrs Tapioca and Mr Blossom) how to be 'extreme' and 'cool' and 'gifted' and 'sophisticated', not to mention 'sexy'.
211. Telling the Chief Wizard that Miss Hardbroom most desires a man to 'sweep her off her feet' is a sure-fire way to get him magically castrated should he attempt such an action and pick her up while she's still conscious.
212. However, if we knock her out, using Ethel as the fallgirl, the above can be applied before HB wakes up and Ethel escapes the under stairs cupboard.
213. The Cackle's inhabitants must always remember that NCD gets whacked out (make of that what you will) very quickly and therefore must wait for the rest from her, allowing others to step back into the breach.
214. Asking Miss Hardbroom that instead of Broomstick practice can she teach us how to play Quiddich is and never will be acceptable.
215. Neither is nicknaming Ethel Hallow the 'golden snitch'. No matter how true it may be
216. Switching Miss Bat's fruit salad for plastic fruits and then hiding to watch her reaction is not funny
217. Neither is jumping out of my hiding place and exclaiming ewww after she realises that they are in fact plastic, but continues to eat them anyway
218. Should I decide to try eating flowers and discover I like it I am not to snack on them in class.
219. I am not to eat the herbs picked specifically for potions.
220. I should not replace the potion ingredients with I.O.U notes.
221. I am not a robot. I should not do the robot constantly until Miss Hardbroom asks what's wrong with me.
222. I am not in slow motion.
223. Miss Hardbroom does not wish to be patronised.
224. Despite the fact that many of the staff would like to see me be silent for a day I am not a mime. I should not dress appropriately
225. I am not to stand perfectly still until a crowd forms around me (including teachers trying unfreezing spells) and then jump and go 'rah'.
226. First years are not required to genuflect to me.
227. I should not complain when Miss Cackle re-routes all complaint letters from the parents of the first years to me. Even if I am the cause of their children becoming massively cynical and untrusting of authority.
228. My seat in potions is one of the benches, not Miss Hardbroom's chair. Especially not on one of the days she chose to simply appear and ended up sitting in my lap.
229. I am not to persuade the rest of my years to do the Ministry of Funny Walks for a day. The rest of the school will join and I will get in serious trouble.
230. No matter how perfect my Cockney/Liverpudlian/Geordie/Irish/American/Australian/etc accent is I am not to speak in it during lessons. Or around Miss Hardbroom
231. Not allowed to make my teachers on The Sims and then kill them.
232. Not allowed to pretend to be a superspy.
233. Not allowed to call my teachers by their first names.
234. Not allowed to call my teachers by made up first names that I have arbitrarily given them.
235. Not allowed to rename first years either.
236. I should not, when a question is asked, jump up and down in my seat until asked to answer the question and then go 'I don't know'. If I do this repeatedly I should expect that my teachers will shortly stop picking me to answer questions (except Miss Bat, who doesn't seem to mind). I should not complain about this.
237. I do speak English. Miss Hardbroom knows full well I speak English. I can therefore not claim (in broken French/Italian/Spanish/German) that I do not (well I can but I cannot expect her to believe me).
238. I should not raise first year's expectations of what they will get to learn.
239. Despite evidence to the contrary Miss Hardbroom cannot read people's minds. I should not spread the rumour that she can.
240. Telling Miss Bat that drinking frogspawn will help her learn how to swim is neither nice nor true. It may be hilarious, but it is not worth Miss Hardbroom's punishment of being made to ingest moving 'tapioca' pudding.
241. My life is not a musical. I am not to randomly start singing.
242. I am not to enchant the rest of the castle to play along with my musical fantasy
243. I am not to introduce Miss Bat to fortune cookies. She does not realise they are not real.
244. Miss Bat does not understand the concept of innuendo. This does not mean everything I say to her has to be a double entendre.
245. Miss Hardbroom, on the other hand, understands innuendo perfectly well and will give me lines and detention should I try the above.
246. 'That's what she said' is not an appropriate addition to the end of every sentence.
247. I am not allowed to claim that it is simply a factual statement. Miss Cackle was not born yesterday.
248. Thriller is not an appropriate suggestion for a Halloween song.
249. Distilling any form of alcohol or illegal drug is not an appropriate third year project.
250. I am not to start a betting book as to who can get Miss Bat into the cupboard the most times in a term. Miss Hardbroom will win.
And that's just the ones we've come up with so far.
See you when we have some more and do come over to the forum.
PenAlt
