Disclaimer: I do not own MtG or related titles and characters. Any resemblance to another fic (or television how) is mostly purely coincidental. Additionally, all characters are presumed to be man-sized unless otherwise noted. This fic was not written in front of a live audience, that way I wouldn't have to type audience applauds every 3 lines.

Whose Turn is it Anyway?

"Hi, I'm Eladamri and welcome to the first ever episode of 'Whose Turn is it Anyway?' I'm your host, and now to introduce tonight's contestants! If I only had a brain, Soulless One! Don't rage, rebel! It's Liin Sivvi! Can't touch this, Dralnu! And last, and most certainly least, the Blunder from Down Under, Chimney Imp!"

"Ey! Screw you, hippy!" Chimney Imp yells.

"If you've never read this fic before, the rules are simple: these four characters are going to improvise several games for your enjoyment, with musical assistance by our very own Elvish Lyrist. After each game, I award them points. The points don't mean anything, it's just something to tie the show together. That's right, the points are like an 8/8 non-trampler versus an army of insects …they just don't matter. Our first game of the night is called 'Weird Newscasters.' This game is for all four of you. Liin Sivvi, you are the anchor of a news program. Soulless One, you are her co-anchor and you are slowly losing your limbs. Dralnu, you're in charge of sports, and you're trying to avoid several Lightning Bolts coming your way. And Chimney Imp is the weatherman, and you are trying to sell your pictures of Serra Angel nude. Whenever you're ready, you may begin." Elvish Lyrist plays some music.

"Welcome to the twelve 'o' clock news, I'm your anchor Thelma Enlouise," Liin begins. "Tonight's top story: local Viridian Zealot succeeded in destroying not one, but two artifacts before paying a visit to the graveyard. His controller was very proud, saying he had been working on that combo for years. Now I'll hand it off to my co-anchor, Nod Alldere, Nod?"

"Unnnh…" Soulless One moans. His left arm falls off. "Unnhh!" His right arm falls off. "Arrghhhnn…" Both of his legs fall off, leaving his body nothing more than a torso.

"Surely you'll pull yourself together…" Liin hopes. "On to sports, with Revived Atbirth, Revived?"

"Thank you Thelma," Dralnu begins. "In sports today, an interesting Goblin Game was rudely interrupted when a Talruum Minotaur stampeded onto the field, killing both goblins. And YOW!" Dralnu jumps up, clutching his butt. "Watch it up there, would ya!" He dodges another Bolt. "Can't you target someone else?" He starts running offstage. "Why aren't you playing bluuuuuue?" He disappears offstage.

"I lose more sports casters that way," Liin complains. "So how's the weather going, Sucks Manynuts?"

"Weather's good, real good. But you know what else is really good?" Chimney Imp inquires. "One hundred percent authentic genuine Serra Angel nudes! That's right, she's hot, she's holy, she's naughty and completely nude!" Out of nowhere, liturgical music begins to play, and a Bolt hits Chimney Imp. His entire body is charred black, and he blinks a few times. "Ow…"

"Who didn't see that coming?" Liin laughs. "That's all we have time for tonight, join us next time on the 12:05 news." Elvish Lyrist plays some ending music while Soulless One pulls himself together.

"Twenty points - of damage - to each of you! Hehe, it's good to be the king," Eladamri says. "Alright, our next game is called 'World's Worst Dating Service,' for all four of you. Dralnu and Imp, here are your hats, Liin and Soulless One, here are yours. Now the idea is to come up with as many different examples of the world's worst dating video. And…go!"

Dralnu wearing a mask of Slobad: "I'm looking to sacrifice myself for a hot elf."

Liin Sivvi wearing a ski mask: "It's your money or your life points."

Chimney Imp, still with charred flesh: I want someone with a shocking personality."

Soulless One with a monocle: "Unngh someone for jolly good time uhnn."

Dralnu wearing Mickey Mouse ears: "Hope you don't care about copyright infringement!"

Liin Sivvi with a gladiator's helmet: "Well, when in Rome…"

Chimney Imp with an ice pack on his head: "I've got nothing, the ice just feels really good."

Soulless One with neck bolts a la Frankenstein: "Unnnghhh!"

Dralnu wearing a Kavu mask: "Looking for someone to share crunchy Phyrexians with."

Liin Sivvi with a turban: "Praise Gaeaaaaa! (mocks blowing self up)"

Chimney Imp wearing a Chimney Imp mask: "I'd like to fly up your chimney."

Soulless One, rubbing his head: "Need Rogaine…"

"1000 points to Liin Sivvi for the Arab joke!" Eladamri says. "And now for the last game of the night. With the help of Elvish Lyrist, the contestants are going to sing a ho down for your listening pleasure! And tonight's topic is…(opens an envelope) the Rathi Overlay! So, here goes the Rathi Overlay ho down!" Elvish Lyrist plays the ho down music.

Liin Sivvi starts, "I was there when they first came, they came through a great big door. First came a few, and then there were more and more and more. Our armies were in a rut, but thanks to me, we ended up kicking their butt!"

Soulless One continues, "Uu-u-un…u-u-urrrm…a-aa-a-aargh…uhhhhnnn!"

Chimney Imp adds, "I never liked the Phyrexians, or even all those Rathi. Whenever I got too close to one, I thought he could really use a…bathey. I started hiding, and eventually, the war was all but won thanks to me!"

Dralnu concludes, "Yawgmoth used the power of the undead. When he enlisted soldiers, he'd just dig up some graves. He never would have used my men, I am sure you see, because they only answer to meee!"

"Only answer to meeeeee!" everyone finishes.

"That's our show tonight, hope you enjoyed it. We'll see you next time!" Eladamri concludes the show.